Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Zelliona and Humans Do Not Kiss

Captain's Log (Pine)

Why do people always blow off the guy that tells them... "Leave the (fill in the blank) is CURSED I TELLS YA!" I mean in real life how many times has a complete stranger come up to you to tell you about a curse. I'm betting none, because its not something you just say off the cuff.

Monster of the Day: Orcs

Source:  Lord of the Rings
Location:  Middle Earth
Threat Assessment:  5.  They are like pirates with all of the skin condition and lack of discipline but lacking in ships.  They are strong, and attack in great numbers.
Limitation:  Not too bright.  Low impulse control.

Today's Secret Code

"Even if played by David Bowie you should probably not make deals with the Goblin King."  Again:  "Even if played by David Bowie you should probably not make deals with the Goblin King."  Today's Colour is found in the 13th hour.  Today's Author might be sour, season to taste.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Give Us a Kiss Love

The Silnillinis

Multi dimensional
Pi jointed
fractionally frictional
the Silnillinis
are natural gymnist
acrobats
and lawyers

The Emerald Djinn

The Emerald Djinn
was the last album
by the Esoterrorist band
Brillman's Brain
who were sued over their name
by
Brian S. Brillman
His victory was shortlived
due to a pinking sheer accident

..his brain was never found

Last Night on Breaking Bad

It's tough to be the bad ass. Specially if you want to be a cinematic badass. Reality tends to be uncooperative. Let's look at a classic bad ass scene....



Classic scene. Walking away from explosions as if they weren't happening. The only way it would be more of a cliche would be if it was filmed in slow motion. Well, in last night's Breaking Bad Walter tries to do it himself but it doesn't quite work. Firstly, it's not really bad ass to do something cause you are having a snit fit. Last episode he bought a Charger for his son as a bribe. Skyler, his wife, had a tizzy, two hissy fits, and several cows over it cause it bucked against their cover story. So this episode she has already arranged to have Walter return the car. Her gloaming over the detail just added another perceived level of humiliation to the whole affair so in the end Walter just says screw it. He does some wild driving in a parking lot then stuffs the title in the gas tank and sets it on fire as he walks slowly away.

No explosion though.

In the end, Walter has to call a taxi. THEN the car finally catches on fire, and to be fair Walter looked pretty bad ass. It only cost him something like over 50 grand that his lawyer used to pay off cops before it even got all in the system. So in the end, it was a funny scene but where did it leave Walter? He was poorer. If Skyler ever found out it's going to be hell. Ultimately, it was a useless gesture and that's been Walter's problem lately. No matter what he does, it seems useless. He's in Gus' power and he knows he will be killed sooner or later.

Unless...

He works on the new, improved Jesse to join in a plan to get Gus. Jesse agrees but his heart isn't in it. He missed at least one chance to poison Gus. Jesse is still working through his murder of Gale. Also, the whole new respect given to him by Mike and Gus are messing with him. He's told that his virtue is Loyalty... he just has to figure to whom.

Gus ultimately was the one in the wringer this episode. He can't be totally unsuspicious of Walt or Jesse. At the same time his meeting with the cartel didn't go as plan as they basically sent the ultimatium "Yes or no." The greatest danger though is from Hank who's back in full force. It was amazing to hear his detective work and certainly earned my respect as a character. Gus is a tricky character, but can he dodge three bullets at once? Or is it four? Is Mike as loyal as he seems?

I can't wait to watch the rest of this season!

Monster of the Day: Clown Under the Bed

Source:  Poltergeist
Location:  Under the bed.
Threat Assessment:  2.  It's a toy under your bed.  You should after the terror goes away literally beat the stuffings out of it.
Pee Your Pants Assessment:  10.  It's a clown.  Under your bed.  Wet 'em.
Limitations:  How about a little fire scare crow...



Today's Secret Code:

"Disce aut discede."  Again:  "Disce aut discede."  Today's Colour is romantic.  Today's Author is Superiorstitious not superstitious.  That is all, maho maho.





Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Grispin

Appearing as Ancient Babies
the Grispin are minor faye
They know the three knots of Bran
and the Song of Seven Sleepers

Tiki Candy

Tiki Candy is the unlikely protector of Oakland
where the ancient powerful Tiki mask was discovered
will always be a mystery

Rule 34

"Rule 34" by Charles Stross is to steal from Max Headroom about fifteen minutes into the future. It's set in a post economic collapse future where we've picked ourselves up and our a little wiser.

A little.

Nations have tried to invest ethics into corporate entities, but how can you hope to do that when real individuals are hell bent to break the law. Things have changed a little for both sides. Police have intergrated social media into law enforcement. They now use "Copspace" as a virtual overlay over reality giving them information on everyone they meet. Criminals have on the other hand decentralized. They now use the internet to spread "recipes" around that when mixed with 3D printers can allow a person to make a brick sized drug lab or an untraceable gun.

Our heroine, a scottish female police officer who's career has tarnished a bit, has fallen into a truly bizarre crime. It looks some kinky accident, but soon it becomes clear that someone tampered a bit to kill someone who was just a spammer. Soon spammers are fallen dead all over the world. What does this has to do with an obscure asian republic and a new version of the mafia that recruits psychopaths for middle management? Those answers create a maze of a truly bizarre crime that could make some people billions.

This is a thoughtful, exciting book. It's very densely written with an great eye for detail. I admit at times the scottish slang had me rereading a sentence or two, but I find that fun. The science really could happen in the foreseeable future, and the human characters are very realistic. Definitely worth a read!

Monster of the Day: Ryo Oki

Source:  Tenchi Muyo
Location:  Earth
Threat Assessment:  4.  Generally attacks through cuteness, but is capable of turning into a working battle ship with energy weapons and shields.
Limitation:  Too cute for it's own good.

Today's Secret Code:

"The problem with the future is that it doesn't hasn't been around long enough to have the past's experience."  Again:  "The problem with the future is that is doesn't hasn't been around long enough to have past's experience."  Today's Colour is the silver lining.  Today's Author is hot and bothered.  That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Today's Secret Code:

"In times of trouble remember that we are AmeriCANS not AmeriCAN'TS."  Again:  "In times of trouble remember that we are AmeriCANS not AmeriCAN'TS."  Today's Colour wants to be bold.  Today's Author will not be sold.  That is all, stick a feather in my cap and call it maho maho.

Friday, August 26, 2011

The Dark Rising

Most people don't realize
that high school gyms
are often the gate ways to evil realms
it's a common architectural flaw
Here we have a level four extrusion
No doubt a soul eater
and by the look of it
very upset

The Mandalian

The Mandalian
is an ethical construct
of fractile quantum bubbles
of space time
His name is Robert

Super

I don't know Rainn Wilson, but judging by his performance in "the Office" and this film I have to say he's the master of low wattage creepism. He doesn't do a full out Peter Lorre but you just get a vibe off him that says, "he's not a well man." That's pretty much the truth of it in "Super" a film by James Gunn. Here Rainn is keeping a fingernail grip on reality. This grip slips when his wife leaves him for drug lord Kevin Bacon. After a few humiliating encounters he has a vision and decides to become a real life super hero called The Crimson Bolt.

Trouble is, real life is a lot more messy than comics. Folks refuse to just roll over with the POW and BIFF. Rainn finds his weapon of choice in a simple pipe wrench and his warrior cry of "SHUT UP CRIME." You can tell this is hardly Captain America material. This film goes surprisingly dark, specially since James last superhero film was the fun "The Specials." It's a very fascinating shade of dark though and the viewer gets really caught up in it all. There's real tension in viewing this film. On the one hand we want the fairy tale. We want Rainn to beat up Kevin Bacon (hey, who doesn't?) and save his wife. We though are aware though that Rainn's character is really certifiable and he's more likely to get a lot of people killed. I will say the ending does a very good job in sorting it all out in a believable way. Definitely worth a view if you can handle weirdness and violence.

Monster of the Day: Werewolf with nards

Source:  Monster Squad
Location:  Small town america
Threat Assessment:  5.  Claws.  Teeth.  Nearly unkillable.
Limitation:  Has nards.

Today's Secret Code

"If I say 'I taste like a machine,' does that refer to my ability to taste or my application as a food source?" Again: "If I say 'I taste like a machine,' does that refer to my ability to taste or my application as a food source?" Today's colour is digital. Today's Author is analog. That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Strange Angel Da'Lan

One only meets Da'Lan
when awaking from dreams
of Atlantis
her touch is like waves
and her comfort cools
and soon one forgets
what still waits
below

None Shall Pass

None Shall Pass
That is my monkey words
my monkey vow
so go on
scratch yourself
find some fruit
go elsewhere
for
NONE SHALL PASS

Little Pig Little Pig Let me In

Medium Raw

Ok, I could tell you the plot of this film. But really it's unimportant. Here is what IS important. The director has obviously spent WAY too much time play "Arkham Asylum." Basically, what we have here is all the batman villains with no batman. So, down in the depths of this maximum security horror show of a mental health facility we have, for example, a copy of bane. You can even see cables running out the back of his neck like the real Bane.

So you have a bunch of super villain style loonies in a place that would look like a Cenobite's rec room and then everyone gets locked inside including some cops. So as I said you don't really need to know the plot, this is a pretty instinctual thing. Run, run, hide. Oops, get killed. Next.

It has a nice gothic feel. It tries hard to make the characters individuals. Some of the designs are frightening. The Big Bad Wolf suit is very well realized. It just feels more video game than film. More "neat idea," less well realized story. A little too much style, and a little too little substance. Still, it's better than most of the slasher style films so there's that. I shudder to think though what will happen after the director places Arkham City.

The Specials

Super hero films are fraught with perils.  The suspension of disbelief is put through the ringer in this genre and any misstep can just destroy the entire piece.  That it attracts folks in Hollywood who think with their special effects budgets doesn't help.  Which is why the Specials is so fun, it's a super hero film with some heart and nearly no special effects.

It's the story of the 3rd (or 4th) best superhero team.  If this was the Marvel Universe they'd be the Defenders.  I can't think of an example for DC except maybe the Outsiders but they have Batman which always ups the cool factor.  At any rate, our special heroes are finally feeling they are going up in the world as they are being honored with action figures which is the super hero version of the Oscar.  Unfortunately, internal strife and incredibly insulting toys lead to a watershed moment where the team might just split up.

The characters are well drawn being both familiar archtypes but with their own personalities.  I like how there are little sub cliques within the team.  The two bad boys,  Weevel and Amok, tend to pal around for example trading snark on their team mates.  The leader is a pompous ass who is not too bright, but on the other hand who else could lead a team of ex villains, people with unspecified bird powers, idiots with super strengths, and idiots who claim the be the world's smartest man.  In the end, even though they are extremely dysfunctional they are also something of a family.

Definitely worth a watch, specially if you are going to watch James Gunn's OTHER superhero film "Super."

Captain's Log (teak):

Am sad because my dearest is sad.  I wish I could give her a hug right now, but she's not here.  Instead I'm a doorman to dogs.  How did this happen?  Scotchie, tape me up...

Monster of the Day: Super Hybrid Monster Car

Source:  Super Hybrid
Location:  on the road and in your garage
Threat Assessment:  5.  A mullusk-y insect-y type beastie that can change its shape to look like any car.  It can run you over.  It can squirt acid.  It has tentacles.  It's hard to kill, and hungry. 
Limitation:  Though cunning it's still an animal.

Today's Secret Code:

"Politics is just Facebook with power."  Again:  "Politics is just Facebook with power."  Today's Colour has been un-PACed.  Today's Author lobbies in the lobby.  That is all, maho maho vote scarlet.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Alta Bloodface

The alpha predator of Alta
the Bloodface has the most advanced
biological heat seeking sensors in nature
anything warm blooded is a target

The Earthship

Terrans of the 29th Matrix are like vampires
they feel the need to bring their native earth with them
so their rocky ships are always a piece of home

The Desert Midnight

In the land where rivers are dry
the desert midnight is at midday
the sun so bright it blinds
the heat silences all
and so there is
stillness

Paul

I really wanted to like "Paul" more than I did.  For the most part this film, written and starring Nick Frost and Simon Pegg, is very affable.  I specially like the beginning when we meet our two heroes at comic con.  They are on a vacation and decide to go cross country and look at all the UFO related sites along the way.  They have a fun, scruffy chemistry and at this point I'm willing to follow them.  It's on the road they meet Paul who is the standard looking big headed alien type with the very non standard gruff voice of Seth Rogen.  After a few incidents of fainting they decide to help Paul on his escape even though he's being followed by a shadowy man in black and his two dofus assistants.  Along the way they pick up a half blind religious zealot played by Kristen Wiig.

Ok, here is where the film lost me.  I understand it, but for such a likable film it took some surprisingly mean shots at those with faith.  The character Ruth Buggs is a shrill parody of what a "bible thumper" is suppose to be until "cured" by Paul.  Literally, Paul not only gives her all the information he has but he heals her other eye so now she can see clearly.  She becomes a free living free cussing (if not expertly using the profanity) soul.  Again, I can understand it.  For one thing there has always been a "thing" between the very religious versus geeks.  I think every geek has a story like mine where one of my dad's friends wanted to save my soul by burning my Michael Moorcock books.  Still, to equate all faith with such prodnoses is in itself a sin.  Also, I'm uncomfortable with the idea that advance technology means lack of faith.  I have the feeling that when we do meet aliens we'll have to deal with some rather exotic theology.  The uptick though, is that this just a rough section that shouldn't have played that way in a film that wants to be basically a warm puppy with beer and weed.

Overall, it's a fun film.  Paul is a well realized bit of CGI, and a very well realized character.  Simon and Nick are great fun.  Just over all it lacks the "umph" to be a really funny film.  Sort of a hazard when making a film about slackers is that your film itself can end up well slightly slack.  When added with the one sour note (at least to me) and "Paul" winds up as something I'd watch once but wouldn't really seek out again.

Monster of the Day that SHOULD be: Mini-taurs

Source:  My head
Location:  Hedge Mazes
Threat Assessment:  2.  Mini-taurs look like little bull human hybrids not one foot high.  They hide in the hedges of hedge mazes waiting for lonely passerbys.  Then they mug him as a  group.
Limitation:  Very tiny, and not very smart.

Today's Secret Code:

"The red J was as white as a sheet."  Again:  "The red J was as white as a sheet."  Today's Colour has been mysteriously intensified.  Today's Author is inexplicably sanguine.  That is all, maho maho with a beer chaser.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Father Dagon

Father Dagon
just wishes all the fishes well
and starry wisdom
to those who seek it

Even After the Apocalypse there Will Be a Core Demographics

Films that should be remade: Warning From Space

This would a perfect film for an update.  It's an obscure Japanese science fiction tale that did NOT have giant monsters.  What it did have was starfish aliens.  They are pretty bad costume wise, you can clearly see where the costumes were stitched together.  They were so bad, I swear the redesigned the costumes mid film, or at least lit them better.  Anyway the starfish aliens want to contact humans cause they have something important to say.  For some reason though the Japanese are deathly afraid of starfish so they always run away ala people seeing Casper the friendly ghost.  So the aliens change themselves into humans with cool slinky special effects.  Now everything is ok and the aliens can finally give  their warning.  Earth is doomed because another planet is going to run into them, oh and stop meddling with super explosives.  All the nations put their nukes together and shoot it at the offending planet.   Meanwhile things get hotter and natural disasters are everywhere.  The nukes do bupkis and everyone gets ready to die.  Wait!  There's an earthman with a theory for a superbomb.  The aliens use their tech and his  theory and they blow that planet to nothing.  Turtles come out to play and children sing.  Hooray!!  Aliens say good bye and slinky themselves  back to starfishes.  The end.

Well of course the first thing to do is to make the star fish aliens look better.  That shouldn't be too hard.  The second thing I'd do is get rid of the runaway planet.  It's a stretch to say the least.  Besides we already had Bruce Willis blow one up.  Instead, let's turn to global warming.  Say some scientist invented some process that goes completely Apecrapilipitic and the earth goes through super fast warming.  Now, the "\warning" of the film is strengthened.  On the one hand humans nearly kill themselves, but at the end it will be a human that will have the solution.  Anyway, that's the road I'd go.  Nice disaster footage with the added bonus of aliens.  Can't lose for trying is what I say.

Monster of the Day that SHOULD exist: Baby Borgs

source:  Star Trek
location:  Outer Space
threat assessment:  4.  It's bad enough to have to shoot helpless humans who have been borged, but imagine having to fight toddlers with cybernetics.  It's not too outrageous as a matter of technology.  Borg can boost the knowledge and intelligence of the toddlers with simple implants.  Others help with their issues with balance and walking.  From there you have mighty tiny warriors.
limitation:  "I am Locutious of Borg, change me!"

Today's Secret Code

"If you think the low man on the totem pole is powerless ask him to bow and see who's left on top."  again:  "If you think the low man on the totem pole is powerless ask him to bow and see who's left on top."  Today's Colour is pink.  Today's Author is labouring under delicious delusions of debachery.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Today's Secret Crisis

Today's Secret Code is currently out of order.   Maho maho.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Angel Hall

Strange Angels
have stranger haunts
One can find the Strange Angel of Lost Grace
His Loreship Moriel
in the halls
of discarded
hotels

The Bull And the Shadow Work for the Shadow Triad

Priest

Well the Catholic Church isn't going to like "Priest" too well. Set in an alternate dark future, the story has the world controlled by freaked out catholic church that tries to totally dominate everything to keep the world safe from vampires. In this world, the vampires and the humans have always been fighting to the point of nearly destroying the earth. Only with the creation of Priest class fighters did the humans turn the tide. Now they try to deny the Priests any power. One priest claims that the vampire menance is back, but the Church does not believe him. This leads to him leaving the church and having to fight both vampires and his own brothers.

This is a fairly exciting film. Not earthshattering by any degree but definitely better than that underworld crap. It borrows equally from "Blade" and Italian Westerns. It needs a better script and a bit more details, but it's fairly fun.

A hair cut

When my medical condition was at its worst. Getting a hair cut was an ordeal. People stared at me as I waited. The barbers were less than kind. One fellow actually kicked me out, no matter how many times I explained no it wasn't leprosy and I was not contagious. In that time, I found Nick who was a great barber and was very none judgemental. I grew to have a great loyalty to him, but that has created its own problems.

First, Nick is semi retired. When he comes in to town to open his shop is pretty much random. Oh he has hours posted, but he rarely follows them. So there are weeks where I miss him. I can get quite shaggy by the time I can squeeze an appointment. I myself don't mind, but my loved ones and dog can get to be quite concerned. "What if someone is hunting yetis in the area?"

Before Nick, I thought our town was too small to have a bad section. How wrong I was. It is a small area, about 10 square blocks where the sun has burned the grass to yellow stubble. The houses seem to be built of adobe and termite wood, but are kept immaculately clean. Here is where the baby train's start. Mother's without cars making the daily trek to the store about a mile away. They have these strollers that are like push SUVs. They push the first and the second is pushed by the oldest child, and so on. Then comes the next mother. A full train can have five mothers and a Walton full of kids.

Nick's shop is a little one room affair. It has more security bars than walls. You can always tell when Nick is in cause his vintage sports car is always parked in front. How it stays there is a mystery. When you open the heavy security screen door the first thing you get is a wave of moist air. It's not exactly cool, but it's still comforting. There's a smell of hair and disinfectant, and something like saw dust. It's not a bad smell at all.

Inside there is already a line. As I said, you have to be ready when Nick's finally there. There are kids and old people. One old fellow looks like Cesare Romero. The kids all want shaved heads and fades. One older brother is complaining about how hard it is to find a job after jail. Cesare says aren't you afraid parole will bust you back? The kid says the state's to broke to rearrest him just for that.

I sit in the world's most comfortable couch and read a boxing magazine. I let the voices wash over me in English and Spanish and maybe... was that Russian? I notice there's a keyboard in the corner by Nick's kid. I ask if he plays. He says he's in a band and he can play anything.

Nick is a small man. Five one at best. But he's jaunty and cocky, and I mean that in all ways. For a man over fifty he's still got muscles and a jump to his step that says he still runs in the morning. His kid is different. Quiet and thin. He spends the time holding a broom he never seems to use and reading the paper.

Nick is quick an a master of the razor. He has ten of them, all tied to an octopus of cords coming out of one drawer. He uses them to take a simple head shaving to something like art. It's beautiful to see. I'm shamed to say I only ask for a trim. I wonder how people at home would react if I came home with a nearly bald head except for the words "Peace & love" carved in the back of my head.

Maybe someday. Until then, thank you Nick.

Monster of the Day: Frog Gun

Source:  eXistenz
Location:  A dream/game world
Threat Assessment:  4.  Made from the bodies of mutant amphibians, a frog gun is a biological gun that can get past most screenings.  It fires human teeth.
Limitations:  Needs someone to pull the trigger.



Today's Secret Code

"We are all dreamers, but few of us are awakeners."  Again:  "We are all dreamers, but few of us are awakeners."  Today's Colour is in the dawn.  Today's Author naps on the lawn.  You know, someone used to leave a penny under the pillow for every nightmare she woke up after.  They say she lived to be 202.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Wee Witch

The Wee Witch
Quietly Quests
for Quality

It Thirsts at the Door




Last Night's Futurama

Last night's episode enjoyment level will depend on how well you handle Dr. Zoidberg, "M"D. A lot of folks just can't handle his neo ethnic/vaudeville stereotypes.  I myself like his sad sack persona.  He's the show's bench mark of loserhood.  Even Fry can hold his head high when compared to Zoidberg.  So, I enjoyed a little extra back story on his relationship with the Professor.

It starts off in the past where we learn that Professor Farnsworth and Zoidberg went on a mission together under that grasping, greedy old maid Mom.  They were to gather samples from an alien Yeti, but the mission was compromised by the team catching hyper malaria.  For once Ziodberg was not useless and not only helped the Professor but promised to ease him out if he ever shows signs of hyper malaria.

We are then brought to the present day, and a typical day of medicine for Zoidberg.  He manages to have Fry go through every skin tone in animation, bisects Leela, and shave a few inches off of Hermes.  The crew has had enough, but the Professor is beginning to show signs of hyper malaria so he has need for Zoidberg to do as he promised.  Can Zoidberg be a better assassin than a doctor?  Of course not, which leads to the team making the most ludicris murder machine seen outside of a "Final Destination" movie.

The jokes were, outside the murder machine and Zoidberg's foiled attempts at medicine and assassination, ok but not great.  The Episode is better at having some heart.  It does bring old Zoidberg and oddly enough Mom into a better focus.  It's no "Jurassic Bark," but it's nice change of mood.

Monster of the Day: the Hidden

Source:  The Hidden
Location:  currently on earth
Threat Assessment:  5.  Pretty hard to kill and prone to grab and possess bodies.  Not afraid of extreme damage to his host bodies.
Limitations:  He has no real goals except sating his tastes for fast cars and guns.

Today's Secret Code:

"Today's Secret Code is brought to you by rampent subliminal symbols."  EAT!  SMOKE!  BUY!  Again:  "Today's Secret Code is brought to you by rampent subliminal symbols."  EAT!  SMOKE!  BUY!  Today's colour  is candy bright.  EAT!  SMOKE!  BUY!  Today's Author has a nagging feeling.  EAT!  SMOKE!  BUY!  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Gargoyle

Rain or Snow
Night or day
He waits outside
nothing to say
Who knows why he waits
but waits he does

The Eyes

THE EYES OF NATURE SEE CLEARLY

Idiots and Angels

Bill Plympton is one of those singular artists so unique they should be a national treasure.  His hand drawn animation style is so uniquely warped as to be instantly identifiable.  He has won a shelf load of awards and still he's mostly unknown, such is the unfairness of mass culture.

Like most of his works "Idiots and Angels," is nearly without dialogue.  It is the story of a jerk who mostly spends his time in a no account bar drinking.  He's a violent man and constantly irritated at the world.  Then one day he starts to grow wings.  Not only do they eventually give him the power of flight but they have the conscience he lacks.  If he steals money, the wings fly him back and make him give the money back.  He tries to fight his wings (one of his earliest use of flight was to moon airline passengers), but eventually a conscience becomes contagious. 

Definitely if you've not seen a Bill Plympton animation you should see this, and if you have seen one no doubt this is already on your netflix list.

Monster of the Day: Man Thing

Source:  Marvel Comics
Location:  swamp
Threat Assessment:  5,  Super strong, and near invulnerable.  The Man Thing also excretes acids around strong emotions.  Strong emotions also irritate/attracts the Man Thing.  As they say, "Those that know fear, burn at the Man Thing's touch."
Limitation:  Nearly mindless.

Today's Secret Code:

"Happy thoughts didn't help Icarius."  Again:  "Happy thoughts didn't help Icarius."  Today's Colour is as bright as the sun.  Today's Author is as dark as noon.  That is all, maho maho.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

P Moomoo head of the Blood Bankers

P Moomoo is a Valariati
He has come to Earth to do collections
for the Blood Bankers
despite great amounts of money
flowing through his hands
like the blood he collects
he is at heart a thug
and a cur
just don't tell him that

Eddy Go Go

Eddy Go Go
runs the clone rackets
If you need a copy
go the Banatello's
Eddy Go Go
will be there
he likes the veal

Martian Yap Dogs Seek to Rule the World

Skidoo

Given enough time, a piece of crap can fossilize and then be polished and put upon the mantel with grace.  "Skidoo" is a piece of crap that through the passage of time has become a fascinating cultural artifact.  It's not QUITE ready to be put on the mantel but at least I can watch it without need of a suicide hotline.

The story, well the conceit, is that an ex gangster is brought back into the game by his boss to knock off his old friend who's in jail.  So they smuggle him in and start to plan the hit.  Meanwhile, his wife and daughter try to find out what has happened to him and deal with an army of hippies.  Back at the jail the gangster accidentally takes acid and learns about peace and love.  Not wanting to hit his friend he instead plans an escape.  Everyone meets at the head mobster's yacht and everything ends happily.

Now that's a rather odd story but in true "Mad Libs" style, its when you pencil in the players that it becomes the incredible freak show that it is.  Our hero gangster is none other than Jackie Gleason.  His wife is Carol Channing.  His boss is Groucho Marx, GROUCHO MARX.  The person he's suppose to hit is Mickey Freekin' Rhooney.  Is your mind blown yet?  It's directed by Otto Preminger, the guy who also played Mr. Freeze in the Adam West Batman show.

Yeah.  Now add hippies and musical numbers and LSD trips.  Add Channing in "Mod" clothing and you'll either be puking or having nightmare for weeks.  It's just an incredibly bad film, and I do believe the people behind it all were doing a little too much LSD themselves.  There are just many points in the film where there is a set up and then.... NOTHING.  It's like they forgot about it.  Trust me, this is worth a watch, but for your own mental health do not see it under the influence of anything greater than popcorn!



Monster of the Day: Lavatarian Rug Monkeys

Source:  "Travels in the dreams of my enemy."
Location:  The Lavataria Castle
Threat Assessment:  3.  More of an annoyance.  They haunt the deep shag of the carpets of the royal castle.  Each thimble sized monkey is fast as lightning and if you aren't careful they can run up your leg.  Contact with a Lavatarian Rug Monkey causes a tactile illusion that the rugs are now suddenly hot as lava. 
Limitations:  A simple band to keep one's leggings closed to monkey invasion.

Today's Secret Code:

"Pray to God, but check your sixes."  Again:  "Pray to God, but check your sixes."  Today's Colour is cocked and loaded.  Today's Author is known for being just loaded.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

An Accountant of Divinancy

They look at your soul
really look
they are looking for a spark
You are then marked
and released
without
comment

Every Child in the Sun Casts a Shadow

The Dark Side
is always behind

Monster of the Day: Hutts

Source:  Star Wars
Location:  Along the frontier
Threat Assessment:  5.  A hutt doesn't seem like much.  It's a huge slug thing that's slow, slow, slow.  But they are gangsters and use their resources against you.  Enough money will get you dead.
Limitation:  Slow.

Today's Secret Code

"Love makes men more bold than all the silver and gold."  Again:  "Love makes men more bold than all the silver and gold."  Today's Colour is in her eyes.  Today's Author is always surprised.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Azza Manzi

The Azza Manzi
are also known as seer bears
The can see the past with ease
and they can see the future to at least know
what their next meal is

We Who Fight the Shadows, Salute You

Last Night's Breaking Bad

Whoooooooo

That was a close one. They didn't shoot Jesse which was a relief. What we got was another step in Gus's new hobby of "Let's drive Walter completely nuckfuts." Walter is running around trying to say Jesse's life and Gus is playing invisible man. The impotent isolation of the whole situation is just the thing that turns uptight Walter into a frothing nerve ball. Well, at least he got to show he wasn't totally impotent as he and his wife Skyler had some good make up sex.

But what about Jesse? Well Mike the cleaner took him for a drive, but not to leave him in a ditch but to be with him as he picked up money from dead drops. Jesse is bored to tears and it turns out that it is Mike's turn to suffer this episode. A bored Jesse is a dangerous, disturbed thing that won't shut up and won't stop smoking. It's like what if a volcano became the Joker. Finally, Mike just has to stop the car and flat out tell him "You ain't the Guy. I had a Guy, but now I don't, and you ain't him."

But the laugh is on him, because Jesse does thwart a robbery near the end with just his driving skills. Wait, though, it was all a set up by Gus. It works though, suddenly Jesse is filled again with life thinking he's the big hero. So, it becomes another dagger to Walter when he comes to work the next day and see the new Jesse Bad Ass. He is smart enough to know that Gus is playing Jesse like a fiddle. Feeling helpless and small he has dinner with Hank and Marie. Probably not a good idea, Walt has enough wine to float his abused ego high so when Hank starts praising the deceased Gale he gives Hank a bit of the truth. Pretending to use his eye as a teacher he tells Hank that the notebook is like that of a clever student. Not the wiley Hisenberg whom Hank had thought dead. Now Hank is on the trial again.

That can't be good.

Monster of the Day: Golgothan

Source: Dogma
Location: Hell
Threat Assessment: 5. Made of crap from the victims on the mount where Jesus was crucified, this demon is near invulnerable due to its...um.. liquidly nature.
Limitation: Not too bright. Can be put out by really good deodorizer.

Today's Secret Code:

"Are liars who wear dresses immune to 'Liar, liar, pants on fire?'"  Again:  "Are liars who wear dresses immune to 'Liar, liar, pants on fire?'"  Today's Colour might be true.  Today's Author could be false.  This might be all, or could there be more maho maho?

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Fractal Spectres

haunting between the tau
and mu functions
the fractal spectres
frighten the quarks
badly

The Calatrix Pixy

The Calatrix Pixy
is shy
and deadly

The Eyes Open From the Void

Your Highness

I sincerely believe that "Your Highness" was a flop because of bad timing. If it was released a few months later it would have ridden the wave of "The Game of Thrones" hype. It would have been seen as a good antidote to the ultra serious doings in most fantasy stories. But as it was, it was a sharp poke in an eye to a genre that hasn't really done a film since "Return of the King."

The story is about a lout of a prince. With his older brother being the protector of the realm and an all around paladin, he's allowed himself the luxury of being a womanizing drunkard. We are introduced to him as he's being hanged by the dwarves for sleeping with the king's wife. Luckily no one thought to resize the gallows so the hanging was less than successful.

Things might have gone on that way, but his brother's bride gets kidnapped by a nasty warlock and now together they must quest. It's not an easy partnership. The younger brother is jealous and cowardly. On the other hand he's blessed with a very pragmatic view and has some cunning. Together they defeat monsters and attempt to have their way with wenches along the way.

I enjoyed this film a lot. It had an easy breezy style and humor that was naughty but without being too vulgar. I admit that it sort of falls down in the third act as it has to become serious do the standard things a fantasy film does at that point. Also, I want to kick the fellow that wrote the little description on DVD package as this yahoo claimed it spoofed films like Krull. Sir, I know Krull well, and there was not ONE BIT of Krull spoofry. I wish there was. Other than that loved the film greatly.

Monster of the Day: Hydra

Source:  Greek  Myth
Location:  Greece
Threat Assessment:  6.  A terrible deadly beast, it has the advantage of when its head is cut off two heads grow from the stump.
Limitation:  If fire is applied to the stump it stops that little trick.  Not too bright or else it would have been taken its own heads off till it was nothing but heads.

Today's Secret Code:

"There are some people in this world that if they were on fire I wouldn't pee on to put them out, but I'd always consider stompin' them flames out."  Again:  "There are some people in this world that if they were on fire I wouldn't pee on to put them out, but I'd always consider stompin' them flames out."  Today's Colour is vivid.  Today's Author is dancing.   That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Ghost Bats of Parma

The only mammal that naturally glows in the dark
the Ghost Bats are well loved by farmers
They eat all matter of pests
and at night
they fitfully light the fields
with their golden glow

The Dowager

The Dowager Spirit
Of Claimdamn Hall
Walks With Dignity
Between One and Three

Even Devils Enjoy the Dog Days

Last Night's Thundercats

So far the new Thundercats has been a pretty high quality revamp of the original, but it was last night's episode that made me really fall in love with the show. Now, plot wise it wasn't too different. The Cats are on the run from the Lizard army, but they take time out to help a bunch of little leafy people that sort of look like the Whos in the animated "The Grinch that Stole Christmas." They even sung choir.

Now as I said, this isn't a big stretch plotwise on the face of it. It's the standard "Help the person of the week" plot of nearly all action shows. It's the little details though that make it shine. See, these little guys they have little lives. They live a whole life in a day. Lion-o has to live an entire relationship with a friend in a day. From being teacher, to rival, to boon friend, and of course all relationships do end. This episode wasn't afraid to pull on the heart strings. Pull? Hell, it was yanking on them like Tarzan in a vine factory.

You think getting a grown man teary eyed would be enough for a cartoon, but no. They had a great double ending. After helping their leafy friends the cats realize they can't run forever from the Lizards, so the meet them head on. But it looks like they can't win. Suddenly from out of the dark comes a car that would make Bruce Wayne kick a bat. The day is saved and vehicle opens to reveal... Panthro!

Damn this was a good show!

Monster of the Day: Cosmic Snot Monster

Source:  Goke, Bodysnatcher from Hell
Location:  Space than plane wreck
Threat Assessment:  6.  Cosmic snot that can take over people.  Wants to take over the world, and in the movie pretty much does.
Limitation:  Kill it with fire!

Today's Secret Code:

"No one laughs at an abestos umbrella when dragons are flying."  Again:  "No one laughs at an abestos umbrella when dragons are flying."  Today's Colour is hot hot hot.  Today's Author is tied in nots.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Face of the Forest is a Hidden Face

Last Night's Futurama

Well last night was a Fry episode which is a license to be stupid with heart.  Fry's a good person, with maybe two grey cells (or at least off white) to rub together.  After running from pogo jumping robots and the even worse danger of fast food the gang was prepared to settle down to a meal using only good organic (and highly price jacked) products.  Fry suddenly doesn't want to eat something that could hatch into some beautiful life form.  Instead he'll hatch it and THEN eat it.  That plan doesn't work long because as Fry says, "You love something you've been sitting on for a week."  So when it hatches Fry takes the beast and names him Mr. Peppy and tries to raise him as a pet.  Fry  tries hard, but its a casual destruction machine that oozes corrosive secretions from every possible orifice.

Well if he can't keep Mr. Peppy then Fry will release him in the wild.  The problem is the "Wild" is a planet of Scotsmen who hunted the original Bone Vampires to extinction.  When sheep wind up as boneless sheep rugs it looks like Mr. Peppy is going to be killed.  Can Fry do the right thing?  Can Mr. Peppy express his love for Fry without giving him 3rd degree acid burns?  And how many aquariums of beer can Leela drink and still keep her honor intact?  This is a middle of the road episode but still funny.  I like that they keep Fry simple yet pure.  He might not be the rational center of the crew but he's the heart and soul of it.

Bone Vampire

Source:  Futurama
Location:  On a planet with Scot's men
Threat Asssessment:  5.  The size of a bull, and as strong.  Teeth and claws and acidic secretions.  Likes to suck the bones out of its victims.
Limitations:  Proper gun ownership.

Personal note:  The last known Bone Vampire was briefly Fry's pet "Mr. Peppy."

Today's Secret Code:

"If you are going to juggle flaming knives while dancing on the back of an irate tiger, then you better get paid better than scale."  Again:  "If you are going to juggle flaming knives whild dancing on the back of an irate tiger, then you bet get paid better than scale."  Today's Colour is on the stage.  Today's Author is all the rage.  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Face of the Storm

The Cami Lora Celebrate

The Cami Lora
are a happy people
they have many celebrations
and feasts
and gift givings
at any of  these
the pyrons
are welcomed guests

Monster of the Day: Chemo

Source: DC Universe
Location: Nomadic
Threat Assessment: 7. Capable of growing to great size and wrapped in a near invulnerable plastic casing. Chemo is filled with mutated caustic chemicals. He can spew them at will. He once took out an entire city by exploding.
Limitation: Mindless.

Today's Secret Code:

"Let the Wookie win."  Again:  "Let the Wookie win."  Today's Colour is clashing.  Today's Author's steel is a flashin'.  That is all, maho maho.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

You Will Be Seen Now

Yellow Brick Road

There are times when I ask myself why do I keep watching horror films. Statistically, a horror film is most likely to be of low quality. Even those that are passable are often just bland repeats of old ideas. Why bother?

Because every now and then, something different pops up. Now I'm not claiming original, there are only so many stories in the world. But then there are only a limited number of notes to music, but when a good jazz player starts to improvise magic happens. I would say "Yellow Brick Road," is my magic for the month and it keeps me happily watching these movies hoping for more.

The story is simple, in the 1940's an entire town walked up a back wood trail and disappeared. Well, they didn't all disappear. Some were found frozen. Some were found dead and mutilated. Most though just vanished. A team of researchers decide to find and follow the trail themselves. Bad. Things. Happen.

Here, the film resembles the Blair Witch in a lot of ways, though thankfully it didn't try to pretend to be all documentary footage.  What makes it different and scary are the "grace notes," those little bits of weirdness that while not necessary to the plot make all the difference.  For example, after awhile they start hearing swing music as they travel through the woods.  Now swing music is upbeat and happy, but if you are walking in the middle of nowhere it becomes pretty spooky.  Five days of it, and it becomes maddening.  There's very much of a lovecraftian undertone to the whole film.  There is no visible threat.  It's the woods.  It's the music.  It's walking day after day.  It's  realizing that space is not working the way it should.  There is no monsters, but the road makes its own monsters out of those who walk it.

Definitely an interesting film!

Monster of the Day: gargoyles

Source:  Gargoyles
Location:  the desert
Threat Assessment:  6.  Some can fly.  All are tough to kill and have claws and horns.  If allowed to breed unchecked they could threaten all of humanity.
Limitation:  Kill 'em with fire.

Today's Secret Code:

"In the end we are all just songs sung."  Again:  "In the end we are all just songs sung."  Today's Colour is harmonious.  Today's Author is a Cacophonious Metastar.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A Thralling

Thrallings used to live in Greenland
before it was given that lie of a name
Now they live on an island small and nameless
shaped liked a bear
from their new home they hunt when the ice is thick
and sleep in glitter barrows
when the days do not end

The Shamen Enraged and Filled With Spirit Smoke

A Dream I Had....

I dreamed of a dark green river
was the final barrier
between the world
and the endless west
on the east bank
the Gatling Towns keep watch

Men and Women
with hopeful faces
and tired eyes
pay for passage
cross the Green River
There's no more room
in the civilized world
and now there is the Endless West

The Endless West is ruled by guns
Each gun is named and some have gained fame
The men behind the gun
is often a shadow

In the Endless West
they say time slows down
that the days grow long and hot
and people forget to ask your name
just the place for me
a shadow on a pale horse
a shadow with a gun named Fool
a shadow riding west
hopefully forever

Last Night's Adventure Time

Last Night's Adventure Time was something of a disappointment.  They made a big deal of making Princess Bubblegum younger to be a better companion to Finn, and then they age her back up in just an episode.  Granted, there was good reason.  Now that she was a minor, a real creep had come over to take control of everything.   He was very into discipline and soon had everyone in the dungeon.  Young Princess Bubblegum and Finn try to prank him away but that just gets them into the dungeon too.  Princess admits she has greatly enjoyed being young with Finn but she has to think of her subjects.

As I said a bit of a disappointment, but I did find it funny that Jake the dog literally phoned his role in this episode.  He kept calling Finn asking how he was doing with the Princess. He'd have helped but he was too busy playing videogames.  Ah, dogs.

Monster of the Day: The Corinthian

Source:  Sandman
Location:  The Dreaming
Threat Assessment:  6.  Though a servant of Dream, he's a nasty customer.  He's a stone cold killer that likes his work.  He's an excellent combantant, capable of possessing living bodies, and can sometimes gain the memories of his victims.  He does this by popping their eyeballs into his eye socket/mouth.
Limitation:  His Leash might be long, but the Sandman the Lord of All Dreams holds it.

Today's secret code:

"Never confuse a jack rabbit with a jack hammer, or you might get nailed."  Again:  "Never confuse a jack rabbit with a jack hammer, or you might get nailed."  Today's Colour is solid brother.  Today's Author is geometically eccentric.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Gateway

Enchantment
is an invitation
the gateway
stands open
always

Last Night's Breaking Bad

Oh Jesse, Jesse, Jesse....

I know your soul has been crushed.  I know you didn't Walt to have you replay you shooting Gale, you probably have that little home movie every time you shut your eyes.  You have decided to punish yourself better than nearly any character I've ever seen.  You've become your devil and you've created your own hell.  Like the song you've made your empire of dirt.  I appreciate it, I do.  But I miss the old Jesse and I'm afraid that cleaner Mike isn't going to miss you at all. 

Last night, Mike got annoyed.  It started with some morons shooting the tip off his ear.  Then he found himself dealing with Jesse situation and finding that Jesse was beyond all attempts at putting the fear of God, or at least Gus, into him.  So, in the end he finds himself driving down a desert road with Jesse who doesn't care where the road ends.

Walt meanwhile is scrambling, scrabbling, and is trying hard to protect himself and others.  It's hard though, Hank has Gale's notebooks.  Walt's wife has turned punishing Walt into a 3 act play to be performed in front of Hank and Marie.  Gus is keeping his distance except with his security cameras following Walt's every move.  Now, he finds Jesse gone, and he knows things will never be the same.

A great episode, and now we can see the tempo pick up.  The dominos are beginning to fall, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do.

Monster of the Day: Simbar the were lion

Source: The Occult Files of Doctor Spektor
Location: Nomadic
Threat Assessment: 4. A character not without some sympathy, he still has real control issues. Becoming a huge lion human hybrid Simbar can be deadly with his strength, teeth and claws.
Limitation: Bestial intellect as Simbar

Today's Secret Code

"A cat has nine lives, but a lion needs only one."  Again:  "A cat has nine lives, but a lion needs only one."  Today's Colour is a tawny shade.  Today's Author stalks the parade.  That is all, maho maho.





Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Great Orphidious Ra

Orphidious Ra
was once considered a God
And was fed virgins
though he found them greasy
Now he's in Oskaloo Illinois
and has a thriving mail order business

The Trich

Humans are uncomfortable around the Trich
Partly because the Trich have three sexes
Underform, Open, and Hunters
The Trich don't care how we feel
and are very openly Trich

Movies I'd remake: "The Illustrated Man."

Ray Bradbury always shown his brightest with his short stories. Which is cool for a remake because you can keep the structure but change the stories. Here we have a mysterious woman tattooing a man with images that are also the gateway to the stories. My main change here would be to NOT use the stories from the book "The Illustrated Man." THey are fine stories, specially the one about the rains on Venus. Still, though they are second tier to the stories from "The October Country." If you have not read the October Country clear off some bookcase space and warm up the Amazon cause you need to read these. Wonderfully dark little nuggets that range from horror to less nameable emotions. My favorite story is about a boring man that suddenly becomes popular with the hipsters BECAUSE he's so boring. He soon discovers he likes the attention, and the hipsters learn there is a shelf life to boredom. The story follows what price he pays to keep his audience.

Monster of the Day: Milton the Monster

Source:  Milton the Monster
Location:  House on Horror Hill
Threat Assessment:  2.  While extremely strong, Milton is a very sweet creature and only wants to do good.
Limitation:  Easily tricked

Today's Secret Code:

"If we can invade a country, then why not a financial institution?  Avast ye, S&P!"  Again:  "If we can invade a country, then why not a financial institution?  Avast ye, S&P!"  Today's Colour is green.  Today's Author is living in the rich man's world.  That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The Guard Re-Activates

It takes 18.3 secods for the guard
to come online
Time enough to run