Things You Need To Know #301

The Kabinet of Kuriosity is a well known story among traders in the bizarre.  Supposedly anything put in the Kabinet will disappear when the doors are closed only to be replaced by an object of equal value to the person opening it at that time.  Of course understanding what that worth could be is something else entirely.  Never let children play near the the Kabinet....

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Elevator Girl

Source:  TV
Location:  Elevator
Threat Assessment:  3 if you count for the ability to cause a heart attack.
Limitation:  The shark she has jumped

Today's Secret Code

Every book is a door, every mind is a key and a lock.  Again:  Every book is a door, every mind is a key and a lock.  Today's Colour is a suffusion of pink.  Today's Author is a distillation of something that can be mistaken for being bright.  That is all, maho maho.

Things You Need To Know #300

The Mirror of Athos will always show any pages ripped out of a book.  It has been long sought by frustrated readers of mysteries and that small band of mischief makers that enjoy taunting them by ripping out the last five pages.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Ogopogo

Source:  Folklore
Location:  Canada
Threat Assessment:  Variable.  Some native american legends paint quite the horror.  Present day it just moons eyewitnesses.
Limitation:  Probably doesn't exist.

Today's Secret Code:

I dream of a box with no inside, I live in a world that has no end.  Again:  I dream of a box with no inside, I live in a world that has no end.  Today's Colour is blue fuel.  Today's Author is inside outside.  That is all, maho maho.

Robot Gorillas are all the rage at Christmas

Things You Need To Know #299

The meteor showers around Spring Glenn are quite rejuvenating.  They happen every fourth of every third month at two in the morning.  If you go out into the public green naked you will take in deep energies that make the body feel much younger.  Oh, it is against the law to be naked on t he public green.  Be warned and be fast.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Green Martians

Source:  John Carter
Location:  Mars
Threat Assessment:  6.  ten feet tall, tusked, four armed and green which isn't easy.
Limitation:  Living on a low gravity world.

Today's Secret Code:

Do you give rubber dogs real bones?  Again:  Do you give rubber dogs real bones?  Today's Colour is a bright crimson.   Today's Author is real by appointment.  That is all Fido, maho maho.

The Gogmamgogatron

An artificial myth intelligence
the Gogmamgogatron
represents faux duality

Wrong Turn 5

Wow there's already been five films in this series?  Horror films have a low threshold to cross to sequelhood but five is still a special number.  Generally it means the series has already jumped the proverbial shark and now is a weird self mutating meme of itself.  Here, for example, the best film was 2 which had tongue firmly in cheek unless it was gouged out with an ax.  Since then it's been sort of trying to find a villain that could really hold the series together.

They get close here with a rather nice looking older man who is in fact the head of the clan of inbred hillbillies.  He can play a scene either soft or hard and definitely keeps the audience on their toes.  In this version a small southern town has a halloween/rock concert celebration of a slaughter that occurred pre civil wars.  Now the lady sheriff has captured the descendant of these hillbilly mutants and is holding him in jail til the real cops come.  But his "boys" are working hard to break him out.  In the middle of this mess is a bunch of clicheo teens, and media types.  Truly the field for savage mutilation is wide and fertile here.  Like other films in this series the violence is extremely graphic. 

Overall the film has a good pace and some interesting characters.  The cheap roots though are showing in bad effectss and just an overall feeling of cheapness.  At best this film has a sort of blind hopefulness that they now have a hook to hang another two or three films.  At worst, it's basically more of the same and doubly insulting as it is trading in the fear of southerners. 

Things You Need To Know #298

Never let the vorpal pen touch a map.  It's line can divide in ways no one can divine before hand.  Sometimes the earth literally splits and other times it is the minds of men of divide.  The vorpal pen still has a feather at the end from the last cockatrice.  Since any part of the cockatrice is death to touch it takes a certain amount of skill to use the vorpal pen. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Killer Crabs

Source:  Killer Crabs by Guy N. Smith
Location:  By the seaside
Threat Assessment:  7.  Nearly unkillable with razor sharp claws..
Limitation:  Still a crab.

Today's Secret Code:

Blind as a bat is like weak as Superman, discuss.  Again:  Blind as a bat is like weak as Superman, discuss.  Today's Colour is a coral pink.  Today's Author is a choral chord.  That is all Miz Thang, maho maho.

Things You Need to Know #297

Just as a sighted person has an advantage over the blind the Ozi have an advantage over standard humanity.  They can sense the eddies of fate and what some people refer to karma.  If you see an Ozi move quickly it would be best to follow.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Martians

Source:  Mars Attacks
Location:  Um...see above
Threat Assessment:  8.  Capable of invading the world and causing great destruction.
Limitation:  Bad music.

Today's Secret Code:

In the kingdom of the blind a one eyed man might be king but I know I'd be the bloke trying to sell them sun glasses.  Again:  Om yjr lomhfp, pg yjr n;omf s pmr rurf ,sm ,ohjy nr lomh niy zo lmpe zof nr yjr n;plr ytuomh yp dr;; yjr, dim h;sdrd/   Today's Colour is a healthy indigo.  Today's Author is as blind as a shade.  That is all Bella, maho maho.

Today's Secret Code:

 Madya, mamsa, matsya, mudra, maithun.  Again:  Madya, mamsa, matsya, mudra, maithun.  Today's Colour is an old yeller.  Today's Author is undecided.  That is all happy campers, maho maho.

Havok Shade

Havok Shades are a side effect
of man's cruelty
If unleashed in the material world
a Havok Shade can turn
a house to ash in
blackened twinkle

Things You Need To Know #296

The Ginklegreebles live in the bushes.  They are the best thorn smiths in all of the Fay World.  A thorn blade that was tamed by a Ginklegreeble can easily slay a manticore or census worker.  Truly a wonder among wonders.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Eddie Munster

Source:  Mockingbird Lane
Location:  See above.
Threat Assessment:  5.  While only a child werewolf he definitely has some chops.
Limitation:  Child.

Today's Secret Code:

The serene swan on the pond is kicking furiously where you can't see.  Again:  The Serene swan on the pond is kicking furiously where you can't see.  Today's Colour is a hot toddy brown.  Today's Author is not just dotty but polka dotty.  That is all Yakko, maho maho.

Telsanoid

A Telsanoid
is an Electrokinesist
able to form shapes with electric/magnetic current

Things You Needed To Know #295

There are quantum gods.  They are not worshipped because they do and don't exist.  There is one and there is many.  They cannot think as humans do.  Cause and effect are mysteries to them.  With such a gulf between men and the quantum gods, perhaps it is best that we ignore each other.  No man could handle their heaven of hot ice cream and colorless colors.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Pizza the Hutt

Source:  Space Balls
Location:  um.... space?
Threat Assessment:  5.  Criminal ganglord.
Limitation:  Living Pizza.  Slow and has good taste.

Today's Secret Code:

A knight without armor in a savage land; Paladin, Paladin where do you roam?  Again:  A knight without armor in a savage land; Paladin, Paladin where do you roam?  Today's Colour is a stylish black.  Today's Author needs to be wired.  That is all Mr. Boone, maho maho.

The Island of Bad Toys

The Island of Bad Toys
is due East
of the Island of Misfit Toys
Good navigation
can often save
trouble

Things You Need To Know #294

Wailing Joe is a warning haunt.  He comes at night wailing and crying whenever any child in Verbena Arizona is lost.  If you follow the cries of Wailing Joe there's a good chance you can find the lost child.  Poor Joe never found his own son even in the after life. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Wendigo

Source:  Marvel comics, Grimm, folklore
Location:  Canadian wilds
Threat Assessment:  7.  The Stories vary but they all agree the Wendigo is ferocious and a cannibal.
Limitation:  Again stories vary, consult your local gun store or shaman.

Today's Secret Code

Would a person who has never experienced the sea hear the sea in a sea shell?  Again:  Would a person who never experienced the sea hear the sea in a sea shell?  Today's Colour is a blah blue.  Today's Author would rather be fiskytoodling.  That is all Charles, Maho Maho.

The Jessitrix

The Jessitrix
once ruled
the Magical
Wonderful
Mythical
Land of Vu
Now she's in the Projects
in Detroit

Things You Need To Know #293

There are many quiet people that are waiting for the end of the world.  They aren't evil really they are just tired and want all the little miseries of their humdrum mundane lives to end.  Some have stopped waiting.  They conspire quietly.  They read the science journals.  They send donations to certain groups.  They don't know how the world will end, or even if they will survive their work, but they will not be unprepared.  Unlike that poor fellow on the Twilight Zone they all have five extra pair of glasses. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Snake Vampires

Source:  Lair of the White Worm
Location:  British Isles
Threat Assessment:  Not afraid of daylight, big fangs, can infect others, spits poisons, seductive.
Limitation:  Religious zealot.

Today's Secret Code

The reasons are sometimes not reasonable, discuss.  Again:  The reasons are sometimes not reasonable, discuss.  Today's Colour is saffron yellow.  Today's Author is a maker of games and a player of life.  That is all take three squares back, maho maho.

Jonny Bugg

Jonny Bugg was an inventor
at the turn of some century
He's always been happy with his extra arms
and bicycle powered time machine

Vamps

Vamps is a surprisingly funny up beat movie about urban vampire girl friends making it through the night without taking a bite of a human.  The girls in question are Goody who's been around a couple centuries and Stacy who's new to the whole fang scene.  So as not to intimidate her Goody pretends to be young as well and often has to cover for her knowledge of old New York by saying she had watched it on the History Channel.  That's a pretty lame excuse unless the subject is Hitler or UFOs anymore but Stacy buys it and they have a pretty good time bar hopping and going to blood AA meetings.  Of course, things are never so simple and soon love enters their lives again.  Can Stacy make a relationship with a Van Helsing?  Can Goody comes to terms with a man she loved decades ago?  Can both survive jury duty and Homeland Security? 

I loved the film it was fast pace and fun.  All the actors did wonders.  I loved Malcolm McDowell as Vlad Tepish aka Dracula.  He's mellowed over the centuries and is now more interested in his knitting.  Sigourney Weaver was also fun as the happily predator "parent" of our two fang gals.  Definitely worth watching and it's nice to have a feel good vampire film.

Things You Need To Know #292

The Slnotts are an unfortunate type of fairy.  They are nose fairies and make as best a home there as can be.  Unfortunately for humans Slnotts consider mucus a must for home decor. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Giant Claw

Source:  The Giant Claw
Location:  Space and upper atmosphere
Threat Assessment:  9.  It's just a giant monster bird with a forcefield, but it is also a giant monster bird with a forcefield made of antimatter.  That's enough antimatter to blow the Earth to nothing if you aren't careful.
Limitation:  A bird brain.

Today's Secret Code:

I have not been sucked into a black hole, but some highly recommend it.  Again:  I have not been sucked into a black hole, but some highly recommend it.  Today's Colour is shrapnal silver.  Today's Author is an angry bird and a green pig.  That is awwwwww cute puppy, maho maho.

Things You Need To Know #291

Staidis is a small town in Ohio.  It is a retirement home for time travellers.  They have gone from past to future and back again, and now they just want a nice quiet place where time seems to stand still.  There is no TV in Staidis nor newspapers.  They seem quaint as long as you don't look in the barns and garages and find machines that require small stars to power.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Demonically Possessed Turkey

Source:  Yattering and Jack
Location:  Normal home
Threat Assessment:  5.  Can't touch his victim but he's free to drive him insane by stunts like possessing the christmas turkey.
Limitation:  Not too smart.

Today's Secret Code:

Always count your chickens before hatching and let your ducks go where they may.  Again:  Always count your chickens before hatching and let your ducks go where they may.  Today's Colour is ivory but not ebony.  Today's Author can dig it, can you dig it?  That's all warriors don't come out to play maho maho.

Things You Need To Know #290

The berries of Strombo's Dilly remember from their roots when the land was wild.  To eat these darkly sweet berries is to invite dreams of a land before there was ever a human footprint.  One must beware though, there are things that walk the old dreams that no man has seen.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Hounds of Tindalos

Source:  Cthulhu mythology
Location:  In the extremely deep past
Threat Assessment:  7.  Capable of time travel and moving through walls with corners.  Can easily kill a man.
Limitation:  Can't manifest through curves.

Today's Secret Code:

Sometimes the trick to be perceptive is what you don't perceive.  Again:  Sometimes the trick to be perceptive is what you don't perceive.  Today's Colour is a vibrant enigma.  Today's Author is wrapped in an egg roll.  That is all Charles Chan, maho maho.

Requests for the Unwalking Dead

This is for T Dwag who discovered his inner bad ass late....


This is for all the Lori haters out there, hope you are happy now

Monster High: Ghouls Rule

Monster High is a fairly harmless mini media empire designed to sell dolls and such to young tweens and teens.  It's no worse than My Little Pony and it's good to keep that in mind while watching something like "Ghouls Rule."

The idea is simple, in a world with monsters being somewhat common they have to go to school like normal people.  Like normal people all the cliques and stereotypes we are familiar with from high school are evident.  There are the popular girls, the nerdy girls, the catty want to be popular girls, and you get the idea.  The plot of this little special is that it is Halloween which is now a time the monsters fear as it is the time where the "normies" go monster hunting crazy.  There is a rising hostility between the normal high school and monster high.  In this mess is Frankie Fine who is trying to find the true spirit of Halloween, Holt who is half normie and feeling heat from both sides, and Cleo who is being pushed by her daddy to take charge of the situation any way she can.

All in all it's a normal halloween special for kids.  I liked some of the characters, but no one really rang my bell.  Not surprising again the demographics are squarely aimed at teen girls which explained the endless shots of high heeled "monster" shoes. 

Things You Need To Know #289

The last person in a long line might just be an An té a fan agus ocras.  A very old form of fay the An té a fan agus ocras uses lines to find prey.  If they find someone completely preoccupied and not paying attention they will steal all their Tuesdays from their mind.  Why Tuesdays is a matter of some debate, but there you go.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Nazi Zombies

Source:  The Haunted World of El Superbeasto
Location:  the City
Threat Assessment:  3.  Sure zombie nazis sound bad but really they are just orcs.
Limitation:  Smart as fictional nazis, yeah  that dumb.

Today's Secret Code:

Fight the dead and vote.  Again:  Fight the dead and vote.  Today's Colour should be patriotic. Today's Author that fights the good fight.  That's all my friend, maho maho.

The Space Queen Alala

Alala shes she rules all of space
take that with a grain of salt
and a delithium crystal

Death, Death, and the Walking Dead

Wow.

Two main characters bit it and the world will never be the same again for the survivors.  I'm sort of torn here because on the one hand it was certainly good TV.  On the other, though, I'm aware that both characters that died were "problem" characters.  Both T Dog and Lori had legions of detractors.  T Dog's character was thumped on for blatant stereotyping and for having maybe a line an episode.  Lori was detracted for being written as a chaos bitch by the writers.  The writers could never get a hold of her character and so she was all over the place which made the audience just a little bit more than annoyed.  The point being, did the writers dump these two not so much for the drama but because they were tired of dealing with fanboys?

We may never know and in the end it really doesn't matter.  What we have here in the end is just some darn good TV.  Bleak yes.  Blackly bleak.  Bleak as dead vulture's beak.  You get the idea, but still it compels viewing.

It starts out on a rare good day for our survivors, but we know that can't last.  Soon they are over run by the dead.  It becomes obvious that it is not an accident.   Our crew is split off into groups and must fend for themselves.  It really is a bad time for Lori  to have baby, but really was there ever going to be a good time?

By the end you bought it all hook, line, and C section.  If you weren't choking back tears at the end I can't see how.  The question is now what next?   How can you top a frontier C section and Ol' Yellar moment? 

I can't see how, but I'll watch.

Things You Need To Know #288

That old serpent Meshabham still slinks in the hollows and vaults of the Old East Church.  If found he will answer two questions and make a prediction.  He will answer truthfully and knows nearly everything.  Unfortunately his prediction is usually "I will bite you and you die."

This was something you needed to know. 

Monster of the Day: zombie baby

Source:  Dawn of the Dead
Location:  Mall
Threat Assessment:  3.  Bad news for mom and that's about it.
Limitation:  Gross zombie baby.  No play dates for you.

Today's Secret Code:

A door is a wall with possiblities.  Again:  A door is a wall with possiblities.  Today's Colour is a sudden stop your car red.  Today's Author is a driven man.  That is all Mr. Ford, maho maho.

The Unko Tiki

A powerful artifact
the Unko Tiki
can command
all weather
and
dreams

Logan's Run The Television Series

I already wrote that the movie "Logan's Run" should be remade based on my theory of why remake good films when there are so many films that didn't quite make it the first time.  Logan's Run was certainly not a complete failure and even spawned its own TV show.  Unfortunately, spawned is a good description of the show that is more a curiousity than entertainment.

First off, let it be known that I now clearly nominate "Logan's Run" for having the most irritating music in TV history.  It's half disco, half riffing dog barks on a moog.  It's all annoying and gets into the back of your head and does horrible damage.  It's a musical "Pew, pew, pew" that thinks it is a John Williams score.

The show itself is sort of faithful to the movie but not to the spirit.  Logan and Jessica have left the City of Domes (that's the name, obviously in the future there is no imagination.)  They are sort of seeking Sanctuary, but really it's an excuse for them to meet a new "society" each week aka the problem of the week.  So we don't forget the reason for the show the old men who rule secretly over the young people of the City of Domes sometimes hatch a plot to bring them back so they can brain wash them into model citizens and end all this annoying rebellion.

This is seventies TV at its lowest.  The plots scream out the problem of each society with the subtleness of a hammer in a glass factory.  Even famed author Harlan Ellison couldn't do too much with his episode and wisely made it into a who done it.  The special effects are.... interesting.  The only good thing is Donald Moffat who plays the android Rem.  He really doesn't belong in this show but he also clearly is having too good a time being Data before Data.

If one needed to remake the TV show for today I'd certainly keep the focus more on Sanctuary.  Also, I'd sharpen the focus on Logan and his gun.  The Gun in Logan's universe is nearly as important as the ring in Lord of the Ring.  It's nearly a religious item and it now belongs to a priest now heretic.

Things You Need To Know #287

There are ducks that know quantum physics.  How they know is a mystery, but between hunting for bread and a nice nesting place they can enter a place between space and time.   If we would be like ducks we could get down, off a period of history.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Killer lawn mower

Source:  Maximum Overdrive
Location:  Lawns duh.
Threat Assessement:  5.  With all the machines becoming homocidally alive a lawn mower might be the least of your problems.  Unless you are on a lawn.
Limitation:  Stairs.

Today's Secret Code

Is that a ferret up my leg, or am I just happy to see you?  Again:  Is that a ferret up my leg, or am I just happy to see you?  Today's Colour is a predatory pink.  Today's Author is glad he doesn't know a Mississippi squirrel.  That is all rug doctor, maho maho.

Things You Need To Know #286

Moody's rings have the ring of truth built into them.  Only true lovers can wear a pair.  If a married person wearing a Moody's ring strays the ring will stray as well and can't stay on.  Moody's rings are made with moon silver, phoenix breath, powdered sun beams, and a bit of gold for luster. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Ice Giants

Source:  Thor
Location:  Another world/dimension
Threat Assessment:  mmm a good 8 being a race of mystical creatures tough enough to give Thor a headache.
Limitation:  Not immune to a hammer.

Today's Secret Code:

A particle that has no charge makes all the difference between lead and gold.  Again:  A particle that has no charge makes all the difference between lead and gold.  Today's Colour is not gold as that would be gauche.  Today's Author is not the Golden Boy as that would be a miracle.  That is all Midas, maho maho.

Things You Need To Know #285

The Whims live between the woodwork of old houses in Womberton.  They are very family oriented and can trace their lines up to five hundred years without fail.  They are shy, but friendly and know many jokes about cats.  The Whims can make you invisible if you ask nicely, or unable to eat anything but leaves and water from drainspots if you threaten them.  As always, remember the Golden Rule.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Vampire Bunny

Source:  Bunnicula
Location:  Garden, nice warm house
Threat Assessment:  -10.  It's a vampire bunny
Limitation:  It's a vampire bunny

Today's Secret Code

"If some maniac asks 'Have you paid your dues, Jack?'   I look them in the eye and say, 'Have I paid my dues?  Yes the check is in the mail!'"  Again:  "If some maniac asks 'Have you paid your dues, Jack?' I look them in the eye and say, 'Have I paid my dues? Yes the check is in the mail!'"  Today's Colour is a creamy jade.  Today's Author has a six demon bag.  That's all Lo Pan maho maho.

Zombie Babies

Things You Need To Know #284

Toilet Paper used to "TP" certain houses can absorb etheric energies. Generally this isn't a problem unless the house has a 3rd degree entity within. Then the TP can become almost a life form all its own. Something to keep in mind when taking that post Halloween visit to the loo.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Fido

Source:  Fideo
Location:  Lovely little suburban home
Threat Assessment:  4.  Killer zombie, but a nice guy really.  Sort has a Lassie thing going.
Limitation:  Otnay ootay ightbray.

Today's Secret Code

In time the elder must give way to the younger unless you have a TARDIS.  Again:  In time the elder must give way to the younger unless you have a TARDIS.  Today's Colour has been forgotten by the sea.  Today's Author studies the tides.  That is all Aerosmith, maho maho.