Thursday, January 31, 2013

There's no fury like a Muppet fury...

Seven Psychopaths

So there's this writer, and he's writing a screenplay called "Seven Psychopaths," except he's not so much as writing as drinking.  His buddy tries  to get his mind off his drinking and back on track by getting him involved with his friends and real psychopaths he has coming via a want ad.  This buddy is not too stable himself being in the career of professional dog napper.  He naps the pooch then has the far more suave Christopher Walken return the pooch that he had "found" for a reward.  It's a good gig till they kid (sorry dog) nap the pooch of a crazed mob boss.  There will be blood and there will be psychopaths.  Oh and introspective dialogue. 

Well this isn't your usual over the top action flick.  It has a brain and it is definitely trying for deeper meaning between craziness.  The trouble is that storywise it sometimes leave the film lurching like a car going from fourth gear to reverse in one go.  Luckily, the actors smooth things over and each plays their own game with the film to delicious effect.  Special stand out again goes to Christopher Walken who makes every line reading an adventure.

Certainly worth a watch!  Specially for the story about the Quaker psychopath.

Things You Need To Know #338

There is a lost ranch in Nevada.  It was killed by the mafia.  The ranch was owned by Zian Max who decided to try to beat the mob at their own game.  They were not amused.  They killed Zian (well at least no one has seen him since), and in a fit of criminal insanity they took down every bit of the ranch and (if you believe the story) trucked it some unused mining pit and chucked it all in.  All this would just be a little bit of Nevada history except some hikers have claimed to have spent the night in Zian's ranch.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Trained Zombie

Source:  Fido
Location:  Suburbia
Threat Assessment:  Theory 0.  He wears a collar to keep him sedate and submissive.  In practice 5.  It needs some work.
Limitation:  Zombie brain no good.

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent swam with a swarm of squamian swamis.  Again:  The Agent swam with a swaarm of  squamian swamis.  Today's Colour is a passionate purple.  Today's Author is still a people person.  That is all Karma Carl, maho maho.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Few Things Are As Dangerous As A Murgan Accountant

Hotel Transylvania

Well, the jokes here are a little older than Dracula.  It's the same type of jokes that were the staples of the Aadams Family or the Munsters.  The difference is that the monsters at this point actively fear humanity to the point where Dracula makes a mighty fortress to keep everything human away from his daughter.  Since it worked for decades you can't really call it a bad plan, the trouble is that little girls (even of the vampiric persuasion) grow up and want out from under Daddy.  Add to that a human drifter who has accidently stumbled into the Hotel and you have a recipe for comic disaster.

It's not a bad kid's film by any means.  Sandler is actually fun, the other voice work is good and the animation smooth and spooky.  The music is a bit pop for me (why do even monsters do auto tune) but I sort of dug "You're my zing."

Things You Need To Know #337

The last ticket sold to the Big Bigger Biggest Coaster before it closed is now a mighty artifact.  Who ever holds the ticket can find their way to Big Show, the Cosmic Circus, the Psychodromeda, the Laughinig Tents, and all the other names for that bit of bedlam in the universe where the laws of physics are just reminders.  The ticket can only take you there once, but once is enough for most people or what used to be people. 

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Prawns

Source:  District 9
Location:  South Africa (boy did they make a wrong turn!)
Threat Assessment:  7.  Big, and naturally armored with some access to high tech.
Limitation:  Not the best nor the brightest of their species, nor do they have a lot in the way of resources, and finally humans find them to be ugly.

Today's Secret Code:

Never cast pearls before swine, it never makes the bacon taste better.  Again:  Never cast pearls before swine, it never makes the bacon taste better.  Today's Colour is squeally pink.  Today's Author is sometimes called to think, but never collect.  That is all Wilbur, maho maho.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Don't Let Him Touch You!!!

Things You Need To Know #336

The Neo-Shakers are a new religious movement.  They are celibate, and strive for a sin free life filled with music and graffitti.  It is lead by Mother Madonna, aka louisa Sanchez, who is said to be able to heal the sick, read the soul, and oddly enough her printer never runs out of ink.  Miracles never end in this age of wonders.  She claims to be one hundred and fifty years old and still has all her teeth.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Randal Flagg

Source:  The Stand
Location:  Las Vegas
Threat Assessment:  He's the antichrist, that's at least a nine doncha think?
Limitation:  God always has the inside straight.

Today's Secret Code:

What does the cat do when the mice are away?  Again:  What does the cat do when the mice are away?  Today's Colour is winter mink.  Today's Author is at play you say.  That is all Jerry, maho maho.

Monday, January 28, 2013

The Screel Hunt Through Smell and Echo Location

The answer you should always give is "yes!"

Things You Need To Know #335

There are five games of monopoly printed in 1941 that are ....odd.  They are known by the red star on lower right hand corner of the box.  Any money won in the game will eventually be mirrored into life.  That's the good news.  Don't ask about jail, you will not go past jail.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: kobolds

Source:  Dungeons & Dragons
Location:  Underground
Threat Assessment:  4.  Scaled little dog like humanoids they can attack in great numbers and are tricky.
Limitation:  Smallllllllllllllll

Today's Secret Code

The shallow waters hold the most life.  Again:  The shallow waters hold the most life.  Today's Colour is an abyssal azurey blue.  Today's Author snorkles snarkally.  That is all pirate pete, maho maho.

Sunday, January 27, 2013


Things You Need To Know #334

He got his red right hand from his daddy.  His daddy wasn't the devil, but he weren't no angel.  He has a blue eye and a green eye, and they both have a shine to them in moonlight that feeds the fears of all sane men.  Women cannot resist his stare though and when he stalks the dance floor no one's virtue or conscience is safe.  He says his name is Simple John. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Triffids

Source:  Day of the Triffids
Location:  Everywhere
Threat Assessment:  Generally 5.  They are plants that are capable of walking and have a poisonous sting.  In a world with everyone is blind the threat goes up to 9.
Limitation:  A plant.

Today's Secret Code:

I stared too hard and saw a woman in half.  Again:  I stared too hard and saw a woman in half.  Today's Colour is an 8 bit red.  Today's Author reminds the reader that we are all books of blood, everytime we are opened we are red.  Thanks Clive that is all, maho maho.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Lord Graza Guards the 34th Door of the Imagium Poten

Things You Need To Know #333

As some people have cancer, Aidan Murphey contracted hate.  It has wrapped around his bones and heart and grew dark and malignant.  Aidan's vast, unfocused hate has become contagious.  He cannot go anywhere without having other people sudden feel burning ire.  Aidan is only half conscious of his condition but he's already planning to go to the superbowl one year.  When he does commercials will not be the main point of conversation the day after.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Auton

Source:  Dr. Who
Location:  Anywhere where there is plastic
Threat Assessment:  7.  Sneaky.  They are living plastic remotely automated by aliens.
Limitation:  Not too bright.

Today's Secret Code

A wise man named Al once said, "Dare to be stupid."  Again:  A wise man named Al once said, "Dare to be stupid."  Today's Colour is banana red.  Today's Author like a red headed viking is a norse of a different colour.  That is all Erik, maho maho.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Things You Need To Know #332

The Clatchture was created by a student of taxomancy.  It looks like a little old man and knows the nature of all things and people that it meets.  It has learned over the decades that knowing and knowing what to do with what you know are two very different things.  The one thing it achingly knows is that there is only one Clatchture and it's nature is lonely.

Monster of the Day: Welsh Rarebit

Source: Dream of the Rarebit Fiend
Location:  on the table
Threat Assessment:  1.  A nice cheese and toast dish that seems  to bring out the worst dreams
Limitation:  Diets

Today's Secret Code:

The brave and the virtuous are always tested when the angels set up a betting pool.  Again:  The brave and t he virtuous are always tested when the angels set up a betting pool.  Today's Colour is rose madder.  Today's Author arose saner.  That is all Mr. King, maho maho.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Psycha Riveta Rita Is Ready For Work

Things You Need To Know #331

The Culjinker is a professional guilt flenser.  If you are tired of feeling guilt that you sent your Mom to the Old Folk's Home you just pay (A lot!!) to the Culjinker and he excises that guilt with almost no pain and only small scars.  Being a thrifty sort the Culjinker sells the guilt he flenses to priests of all faiths.  They always have use for excess guilt.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Grace Jones as Vampire

Source:  Vamp
Location:  Strip Club
Threat Assessment:  7.  It.  Is.  Grace.  Jones.  As.  A.  Vampire.  All other arguments are invalid.
Limitation:  Typical vampire

Today's Secret Code:

I'm not kidding, I don't even own a goat.  Again:  I'm not kidding.  I don't even own a goat.  Today's Colour is either red or blue.  Today's Author isn't cold because of the flu.  That is all Captain Trips, maho mayo.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

It's hard to be a stylish cyclops

Things You Need To Know #330

The moon cat is beautiful fat and fluffy during the full moon.  As the moon turns to the dark so does the moon cat.  At it's darkest phase the cat is rail thin and black as midnight, and oh so hungry.  It is said it could eat a whole man in one night despite weighing no more than a kitten.  Don't put folklore to the test is wise advice.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Alien Teachers

Source:  The Faculty
Location:  Middle America School
Threat Assessment:  8.  Able to infect others and they don't feel pain and can heal themselves
Limitation:  Dehydration.

Today's Secret Code:

Never be sure of any thing, it's a sign of weakness.  I'm sure of it!  Again:   Never be sure of any thing, it's a sign of weakness.  I'm sure of it!  Today's Colour is the third one on the fourth Doctor's scarf.  Today's Author is just joy riding in my mind.  That is all Leela, maho maho.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Dr. Zing Ling often suffered from visible migraines...

Demon Prince Enma

Well nothing special here in this anime.  A pair of demons come to earth to hunt bad demons.  The difference between "Bad" demons and our "heroes" being a little fuzzy here.  The girl is an ice demon and the male has a magic staff and a talking hat on his head.  They are aided by a Kappa (local frog like spirit) who has gone native and spends most of his time on his cell phone.  Our demons can also appear as gothy children as a clever disguise.

The mysteries don't have any bite even when a "vampire" is involved.  The animation has a nice retro quality but nothing special.  Worse any feeling of  terror is mollified by "comic relief" where our hero is a constant perv.  Nothing new in anime it is just something that grates very wrong here with the material.

Things You Need To Know #329

Hell was built on revolution and while the old guard still favors feudalism (it's easy to get used to being called Lord), the newer demons have tried nearly every form of government in the outlying corners of hell.  In one quiet section there is Ochreville which is something of a test site.  There three corporations vie for control.  They vote via a democracy based on stocks owned.  In theory everyone can vote you just have to buy a share.  Don't ask what a share costs in hell you don't want to know.  Ayn Rand is the official vote counter and she can't stop crying.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Willow Woman

Source:  Requiem of the Darkness
Location:  Japan
Threat Assessment:   6.  A spirit of a large willow tree she kills anyone that tries to marry the inn owner.
Limitation:  Trees don't move around a lot.

Today's Secret Code:

Does a great society need great people, or just a great dream to inspire them?  Again:  Does a great soeciety need great people, or just a great dream to inspire them?  Today's Colour is a  tingly, tangly teal.  Today's Author oncew blew a seal but doesn't talk about his cars or his personal life.  That is all sammy, maho maho.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Lice Liches awaiting activation....

Tasmanian Devils

Oh Syfy, again you decided to not just phone it in, but to then fax and feed the fax to the dog and send the resulting mess to be translated into mandarian chinese, then basque, then back to english.  Yeah, we are talking about a near black hole of senselessness unseen since Ule Boll's last Christmas party. 

One example should suffice here.  Right a bunch of base jumpers are breaking the law by doing base jumping in a national park.  One of their numbers jump off the side of a cliff and JUST SO HAPPENS land right on the part of the floor that will give way to the secret cave that JUST SO HAPPENS has the secret alter on which he gets skewered on that JUST SO HAPPENS lets him bleed out to raise a bunch of really bad CGI monsters.  Sorry folks you have exceeded your silly budget in less than five minutes.  Oh, and let's not forget the pretty park ranger that JUST SO HAPPENS knows the ancient folklore involving tasmanian devil demons and their alter and such.


Oh couldn't find a clip of the movie so here's a better one involving a certain tazmanian devil.

Things You Need To Know #328

The Four From Dover are professional ghost hunters.  Their goal is a bit different from others; they find ghosts who in life committed great crimes and then send them to the hell they belong in.  They are led by Kostchie who is not divine, demonic, elemental, nor fay.  He's Kostchie and he does not die.  Two others have died, Lamire and Gullberry.  Lamire is a mistress of illusion and Gullberry despite looking like Danny DeVito gone to seed and then mulch is a master of the magics of binding spirits.  The only human, George O'Day, keeps the band on the up and up and acts as the public face.  Who is paying their bills is a mystery.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Hill House

Source:  The Haunting of Hill House
Location:  To far away for anyone to hear your screams at night
Threat Assessment:  A subtle 8.  It's an environment that can drive a person mad.  Whether the house intends it or not is a mystery.
Limitation:  Ain't going anywhere.

Today's Secret Code

Today's kitten might be tomorrow's lion.  Today's kitten might be tomorrow's lion.  Today's Colour is cerulean.  Today's Author might be a lying.  That is all Simba, maho maho.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

She could not stop hearing the roariing flowers of Kaladoom

Things You Need To Know #327

The Players of the Game are often found in parks.  They loll on benches or astride statues.  They ask passerby for the time of day, if they have chewing gum, or do they know when the end of the world will be.   Sometimes there is a changing of position and a Move has been made.  The Players of the Game are an ancient order and their Game is us.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Afanc

Source:  The Scar
Location:  para dimensional seas
Threat Assessment:  By sheer size an 8.  It's big enough to tow an entire CITY. 
Limitation:  About as smart as any fish.

Today's Secret Code:

The ladle with the label has the elixir that will fix her.  The spoon shaped like a prune has the lotion that will stop all motion.  Again:  The ladle with the label has the elixir that will fix her. The spoon shaped like a prune has the lotion that will stop all motion.  Today's Colour is a shady green.  Today's Author is rarely seen.  Gotta split the scene hepcat, maho maho.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Things You Need To Know #326

The Strange Angel Loriheim of the Waste lives in a garbage dump in  East Philly.  This is not some divine punishment, Loriheim likes it there.  Every day he goes through piles and piles and finds all the broken little pieces that were once part of people's lives.  If he finds enough pieces he leaves the dump and searches for that person.  Often time they never knew they lost anything of value and all are thankful for the coming and going of Loriheim of the Waste.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Sea Monkeys

Source:  Frankenweenie
Location:  Wet places mostly
Threat Assessment:  3.  More interested in mischief than anything.
Limitation:  Short and blow up if properly salted.

Today's Secret Code:

The pup tent of my mind hides the wolf of my imagination.  Again:  The pup tent of my mind hides the wolf of my imagination.  Today's Colour is a sleek sanguine.  Today's Author is not a number but a fee man.  That is all numbah six, maho maho.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Dream Flenser Often Divides the Dreamer Against Herself


Branded is one of the most seriously weird films I've ever seen.  One half a Michael Moore-ish diatribe against advertising and one half a bit of religious mania all of which set in Moscow.  Our hero is a self made millionaire in advertising, except that he isn't.  He's heavily bankrolled by powers above him.  He can't help but be jaundiced and cynical and see advertising for what it is, mind control.

Things change when some of those power above decide to use him to change the perception of all of Russia.  They don't care a damn that it's going to destroy his career and life.  Years later in practical exile our hero has a vision.  After following the vision he can now actually see advertising ON people like squirmy, wormy, balloony tumors.  He thinks it is slowly killing us all so he begins a plan to fight back.

The film is truly never boring.  The ideas are certainly interesting.  Sometimes though it has a tough time holding all its different parts together cohesively.  Still, I'll take a film like this over some film with a "4" in the title any day.

Things You Need To Know #325

He Hief seals the leer " ".  He is more annoying han anyhing bu here is a bouny on his head for fify housand dollars and a bus oken.  He Hief akes i all in sride, he already has a huge reasure rove of " 's" hat he will spend in his old age.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Red Bull

Source:  The Last Unicorn (NOT the energy drink aisle)
Location:  Under the old castle by the sea
Threat Assessment:  8.  Deep and terrible magic bound into the body of red bull.  Was able to bind all the world's unicorns.
Limitation:  Must follow the will of his Master.

Today's Secret Code:

I sang the body electric eclectically in DC.  Again:  I sang the body electric eclectically in AC/DC.  Today's Colour is electra glide in blue.  Today's Author has big balls and keeps them in the pool.  That is all headbanger bopping babies, maho maho.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Nostra Signora Di lacrime di sangue


Tim Burton's star has tarnished a little of late.   Too many projects, too many attempts of being "Tim Burton" rather than just being um well Tim Burton, and doing a little too much mining in the nostalgia fields.  Still, there are times that the real Tim shines through and Frankenweenie is one of them.  Based on his own short done decades ago and sniffed at by Disney for being too weird he has now come back with a full length version proudly under Disney's banner.

Oh how the times do change. 

For those that don't know it's about a chld named Victor who's only friend is his dog Sparky.  Sparky has an accident and following the script from "Frankenstein" Victor brings him back as a loveable patched up little monster doggy.  Ah, but things never run so smoothly.  His classmates want his secret of bringing pets back and trying to keep Sparky a secret from the adults is a constant hassle.  It all ends in fun mayhem at the fairgrounds and to say any more would be a disservice.

This is a great little bit of animation.   The evocative black and white just is a perfect choice.  The designs are beautiful and creepy and the actors seem to be having great fun.  If you have kids you might have to explain all the references to classic black and white horror films.  Better yet, show them to the kiddies now.  No time like the present to examine the past!

Things You Need To Know #324

Eleena Quay literally has ice water in her veins.  The daughter of an elemental and a marine she is an unusual hybrid.  She looks pale but other than that she passes as human as long as she is not touched.  When frightened or enraged the temperature around her can drop to dangerous levels.  Luckily, her personality is as cold as her veins and it takes a lot to make her mad.  She currently works in a preschool and her children are always the best behaved.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Henrietta

Source:  Evil Dead
Location:  The fruit cellar
Threat Assessment:  7.  Undead, possessed, limited shape shifting.
Limitation:  A little too into swallowing souls.

Today's Secret Code

"He's a real nowhere man living in a nowhere land."  Again:  "He's a real nowhere man living in a nowhere land."  Today's Colour is the Sea of Green.  Today's Author has a hole in his pocket.  That's all Jeremy, maho maho.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Some bed and breakfastes should be avoided...

There's a bug out there...

Millenium Bug is definitely what we would call "old school" horror.  It harkens definitely back to the days of  the eighties of blantant gore and practical effects.  This isn't such a bad thing, but the trouble with geek labors of love is there is often as not no over all control.  The film feels bloated as it tries to cram all its cake into its cheek like a bulemic chipmouse.

The plot is simple, back in 1999 a family is escaping into the country to avoid the Y2K doomsday.  Tough luck that they camp in inbred, redneck, hillbilly land (just a question if someone is inbred, can there be someone who is "outbred?"  just asking...)  Anyway,  they try to grab up all the women for marrying and honeymooning cause their own kin just pumps out mutant assholes (my new band name!)  At the same time a crazed zoologist is tracking some big ass bug that only pops up once every thousand years.  Ta da, said bug is nasty and the size of a two story house.  So now it's a normal people, hillbilly, and bug triangle death match.  Hooray!

Like any really good horror flick anyone can die at any time.  It's best to lay your bets in early folks!  The special effects are old but good.  The acting is um... well.. energetic.... yeah that's it.  Anyway, it seldoms bores.  My only problem is it is a little too much fan service. 

Things You Need To Know #323

Little Meggy Pretty Eyes
So sweet and young
gazing in surprise
Little Meggy Pretty Eyes
He found you pretty
specially your insides
Sad Meggy Pretty Eyes
following and following
only a few hear your cries
Angry Meggy, Dark Meggy
she sees and reaches from the dark
ske grinds her victims with childlike hands
Angry Meggy, Dark Meggy
leave me be, back to the dark
I have the charm that binds and bans
Sad Meggy Pretty Eyes
Crying in the park, in the dark
til the Angel Deriel heard her cries
Little Meggy Pretty Eyes
looks into a caring abyss
and feels the changes inside
Little Meggy Pretty Eyes
is still watching, always watching
gazing now sadly still in surprise

... found on the wall of a cracked flat

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: North Korean Giant Monster

Source:  Pulgasari
Location:  North Korea
Threat Assessment:  7.  Well it's big.
Limitation:  It's North Korean

Today's Secret Code:

The reason to go out on a limb is that is where the fruit is sweetest.  Again:  The reason to go out on a limb is that is where the fruit is sweetest.  Today's Colour is Orange and aren't you glad I didn't say banana?  Today's Author is a bumbling around thinking about fixing a hole in my roof.  Thank you Paul, John, George, and Apple; maho maho.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Things You Need To Know #322

Lilly Mamu was born with beautiful butterfly wings.  They were blue with scarlet accents and had a rather mesmerizing pattern that reminded viewers of leaves falling in an autumn forest.  She was beautiful and traveled  the world as an attraction to various circuses.  In the end, though, loneliness was too much for her.  With a broken bottle when her controlling parents weren't watching she cut off her beautiful wings.  She's now happily married to an accountant in Weehonk Kansas.  She has three beautiful children and an egg.  They keep it warm and turn it every couple of hours.  They have no idea if it will hatch or what will come with it, but she promises to let it make its own choices in life.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Shelly

Source:  Frankenweenie
Location:  Suburbia
Threat Assessment:  7.  Giant Turtle the size of a ferris wheel.
Limitation:  Unstable reanimation.

Today's Secret Code:

The quick brown fox is quick because sometimes the lazy dog isn't so lazy.  Again:  The quick brown fox is quick because sometimes the lazy dog isn't so lazy.  Today's Colour is a fantastic fuchsia.  Today's Author would be another Frankenstein but his back isn't up to all the digging.  That is all Eye-gore, maho maho.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Tomorrow's Public Code:

Do not pass jail.  Again:  Do not pass jail.  Today's Colour is mega blue.  Today's Author is da coleslaw.  That is all Judge Anderson, maho maho.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Misty eyed

Things You Need To Know #321

The shadows of the Canker family have a life of their own. The Cankers live what could be best called a "red neck" lifestyle. Their shadows are bored by it and can often be seen in the back of opera halls or listening to an orchestra playing Bach. Sometimes a Canker shadow can be seen in the local library or strolling down the street where the young college students often get together to argue politics, or philosophy or the best weed. Quit simply the Cankers are outclassed by their own shadows which tends to make them bitter and defensive. This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Davros

Source:  Dr. Who
Location:  Somewhere in space and time
Threat Assessment:  Physically maybe a 1 (he's like ten thousand years in a dalek wheelchair) mentally at least an 8.  He's the genius that made that Daleks.
Limitation:  Did I mention Dalek wheelchair?  Oh and he's quite the prideful one.

Today's Secret Codex:

When playing a game play the players not the board.  Again:  Everything is a game.   Today's Colour is a full on red.  Today's Author plays his own games on the boards of others and dances like he means it.  That is all and long live the new flesh, maho maho.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Things You Need To Know #320

The wumpi (wumpus singular) are the masters of rumpling and wrinkling.  They are minor agents of disorder and well always look disheveled, disordly, and dastardly.  They are, however, mostly harmless.  Their worst trick is wrinkling dollars so they won't be accepted into those slots. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Gorns

Source:  Star Trek
Location:  Somewhere in outer space
Threat Assessment:  7.  Technology about equal to the Federation.  Physically strong and durable. 
Limitation:  Slow, so very slow.

Today's Secret Coda:

The final note should never be a suicide note.  Again:  The final note should never be a suicide note.  Today's Colour is festive and vivid and a cross between purple and pink (pirple?).  Today's Author is a people person (perple?).  That is all soylent green, maho maho.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Dredd and Total Recall

Both these films have finally hit DVD and finally I can discover why both films underperformed.  The answer is sadly easy to find.  They are both boring.  No doubt as a result of both films being remakes of more.. *ahem* flamboyant versions, the creators decided to reign things in.

Bad mistake.

Total Recall at has a couple of scenes to help us remember the earlier film.  Yes Virginia there is a three titty hooker.  It also has the neatest mass transit vehicle ever, a huge vessel that travels through the center of the earth.  It is NOT however set on Mars (Hollywood hates Mars remember) and that makes the plot even more inane than the original.  In this version everything on Earth is a sterile wasteland except for Austrailia and England.  Yeah, that's going to happen.  Anyway, as I said the main problem is that it bores.  The main character is so underplayed that he's more boy band material than Ahnold kick assery.  The film looks great it just doesn't deliver.

Dredd is pretty much the same.  All the earth is a wasteland except one city, but it's a durn BIG city.  It's a wild place and the only law are the Judges who are as you may guess are police, judges, and executioners all rolled up into one.  Dredd is the most hardcore judge of them all and so he's asked to take a wet behind the ear newbie who happens to be a psychic and teach her the ropes.  Meanwhile, an evil gang is pushing a new drup that makes time seem to slow down.  The movie shows us this again, and again, a n d   a g a i n.  Look I'm a fan of bullet time like everyone else, but if you are going to shot an entire film in slow motion it's a bit of a stretch then to call it an "action" film.  But like Total Recall the main problem is that the character of Dredd has all the charisma of cabbage with a helmet.  It takes a lot people to make me pine for the days of Stallone crying out, "AHHHH AM DUH COLSLAW!"

Things You Need To Know #319

The last house on Goosenbury Road is an unhaunting house.  No ghosts can reside in it, nor any spiritual essence at all.  To a ghost it looks like a solid house shape rock that they cannot enter.  To spirits it is even more forboding a great maw just waiting for them to walk in.  No one knows why the house is just so, save that the person who designed is by legend supposed to have died by extreme self induced boredom.  He had no imagination whatsoever and yet he seems to have created a wonder.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Giant

Source:  Jack The Giant Killer
Location:  Cornwall
Threat Assessment:  7.  He's a big one.  It helps he's the servant of a magician who can shrink him down to toy size to infiltrate.
Limitation:  Smart as a bag o' hammers boyo.

Today's Secretion Code:

Don't wake sleeping dogs or dozing dragons.  Again don't wake sleeping dogs or dozing dragons.  Today's Colour is a sensual cherry.  Today's Author is asensual as usual.  That is all Calcutta, maho maho.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Today's Se3cret Code:

Let's all get it together so we can get it undone.  Again:  Let's all get it together so we can get it undone.  Today's Colour is not peach nor violet.  Today's Author is is a Pilgrim making no progress.  That is all and fill your hands, maho maho.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Things You Need To Know #318

The Rubber Romb is a unique night club built inside an old mental institution.  Many of the rooms have slick rubber walls and floors.  Even the chairs and tables have a thick protective covering.  It has become a favorite place for young jerks to stage bar fights because of comparative safety.  It doesn't help that there is a caucus of angry insane spirits who make bets on who will win or lose.  There are no reflective surfaces in the decor for a reason.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Rubber Man

Source:  American Horror Story
Location:  The Evil House
Threat Assessment:  6.  He's psychotic, and capable of killing.  Oh, and he's dead.
Limitation:  Can't leave the house.  Squeaks.

Today's Secret Code:

We are made of star stuff and poetry.  Again:  We are made of star stuff and poetry.  Today's Colour is stellar yellow.  Today's Author is a particle, a wave, and has band name will travel.  That is all, Mr. Heisenberg, maho maho.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Things You Need To Know #317

The Nomnomicon is  the ultimate cookbook of deserts.  All tastes are covered from human to demonic and all recipes (if faithfully followed) will promise the most tasty dish ever made for that person.  Currently the Nomnomicon is held by a cat named Tibbles the Third.  He whispers recipes to his owner Maurice Ecim who runs a bakery.  He's currently very successful.  Try the fruit cake, really!

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Butcher John

Source:  Legends of the Hills
Location:  The Bulljon mines and around the towns of Maiden County Kentucky
Threat Assessment:  7.  Butcher John is dead and therefore can't be kilt again no matter how one tries.  This leaves John to his profession as butcher.  He perfers humanity as his canvas because the white meat is so fine.
Limitation:  Butcher doesn't like to be reminded that he's dead.  Nor can he walk on holy ground.

Today's Secret Code:

A kangaroo has pockets but you can rarely keep a kangaroo in your pocket.  Again:  A kangaroo has pockets but you can rarely keep a kangaroo in your pocket.  Today's Color is a stable sable.  Today's author has tied his kangaroo down mate.  That is all blimey, maho maho.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Things You Need To Know #316

The ghi-ghi are known also as the flea people.  As you may guess they are quite small, very small, just plain teeny.  That doesn't bother them because they don't know better.  They think they are the kings of creation and masters of the world.  To them we are just big moving transportation and food all rolled up into one.  Their most famous writer, Gha-gah-ahg, wrote a five hundred page poem on the joys of vacationing on a dog's tail.  They are a happy people for the most part.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Altopated Dingle

Source:  Neobična priča o čudnim stvorenjima u noći (hard bound)
Location:  Sewers
Threat Assessment:  5.  Altopated Dingles graze on the shadows of the living.  To keep a victim still they can bind them in sticky darkness.
Limitation:  Cut off the Bass horn under the neck and you destroy their power.

Today's Secret Code:

If a mirror reverses left for right why doesn't it also reverse up for down?  Again:  If a mirror reverses left for right why doesn't it also reverse up for down?  Today's Colour is a wash out.  Today's Author has taken the wash out.  That is all Mrs. McGee, maho maho.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Things You Need To Know #315

The Radishers of Ryan, New Jersey were once just a bunch of duct taped, steam tunnel warriors.  Then they found their first real demon.  It ate one of them with barely a burp before they accidently dispatched it with virginal purity.  They now hunt in the dark  those that no one sane believes in.  On Saturdays they still play either Runequest, D&D old style, or Call of Cthulhu but it's just not the same.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Yollo

Source:  An Exchange of Energy and Other Forms of Sexual Pollutants
Location:  In the Dreamverse
Threat Assessment:  3.  The Yollo lives in dreams, specifically sexually charged ones.  It leads its victim along then shocks them with something that will revolt them.  Their sudden waking gives the Yollo a charge of dream energy.
Limitation:  They have no effect upon the real world.

Today's Secret Code:

Why bother with the needle when you have a perfectly good haystack.  Sell it and you can buy a boodle of needles.  Again:  Why bother with the needle when you have a perfectly good haystack.  Sell it and can buy a boodle of needles.  Today's Colour is a non shocking faint pink.  Today's Author lives for livers.  That is all with a nice chianti, maho maho.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Things You Need To Know #314

The Arkonic Harmonium is a unique instrument that can be played only once before replacing.  It requires 3 virgins, ninety seven glasses from one ince to seven feet tall.  One waterfall (Waterfalls are the only way to get the water mix right).  One replica of a china shop with one angry bull.  When played by a master it is truly an unforgetable performance.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Spotted Nord

Source:  The Lexicon of the Legendary
Location:  The Cave of Censori
Threat Assessment:  7.  Though only three feet high the Spotted Nord (there's only one) can command the earth to do what ever he wishes.  Remember he is in a cave! 
Limitation:  Has a fondness for wine.

Today's Secret Code:

Reach out and shake a stranger's hand today.  Again:  Reach out and shake a stranger's hand today.  Today's Colour is a most harmonizing hue of blue.  Today's Author is just one of the pack...of 52.  That is all Jack, maho maho.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Things You Need To Know #313

They Mayans weren't wrong.  The world was destroyed.  The mystery is who brought it back.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Lyrocanth

Source:  What I did on my quest and other speculations on murder and plunder
Location:  The Very Very Narrow Sea north of Godspititscoldstein
Threat Assessment:    30 feet long, 3 inches wide, it's too thin to keep its teeth in its maw so they are arranged around its mouth like a thorny rose.  It's lightning quick and always hungry.
Limitation:  Hates the purple polar bears with a passion.

Today's Secret Code:

A cynic might say that love is just a chymical reaction, remind them that so is the explosion from TNT.  Again:  A cynic might say that love is just a chymical reaction, remind them that so is the explosion from TNT.  Today's Colour is a nebulous nasty nectorine.  Today's Author is boisterous and loud saying it proud.  That is all Mr. Magoo, maho maho.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Things You Need To Know #312

The true name of every person who has ever lived on Earth can be found in the caverns under Moistnel Kentucky.  They have been inscribed there by monks who also use the caves to grow rather odd mushrooms.  Sometimes a mushroom grows so big that the monks give it a robe and put it to work inscribing names into the soft stones.  It is very silent down there, and dark.  They like that.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: the Glurch

Source:  The Anti-mundanity Screed
Location:  The forests of Miszel in the heart of the Glanz Mountains.  Well above the fog line.
Threat Assessment:  5.  They are bipedal and know how to throw rocks.  They wear moss and are hard to see.  Look for  their glowing yellow eyes.
Limitation:  They fear their own dead and will not cross over one.

Today's Secret Code:

If you can't see a solution maybe you are facing the wrong way.  Again:  If you can't see a solution maybe you are facing the wrong way.  Today's Colour is industrial indigo.  Today's Author has written a fugue for fortune cookies.  That is all Mr. Wong, maho maho.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


David Croenberg is  the coldest director I know.  He is practically a one man ice age of mood.  What makes it such an oddity is that he tends to pair this detachment with the kinkiest sex you'll generally see in a main stream film.  I understand he's happily married and I sometimes wonder about the at home conversations in the Croenberg home.  "Oh not much happened today, we finished filming the scar sex scene and I got that ice cream you like dear."

"Cosmopolis" is a perfect example of Croenberg at his finest.  It's about a man, an absurdly rich man, travelling around New York in his stretch limo.  In a sense he's travelling through the city on a dark and gritty day, but he's seeing it through the filter of bullet proof windows and air conditioning.  What happens out there shouldn't be able to touch him at all.  This is true at the beginning at least as he goes on a mission for a hair cut.  As the day goes on though the chaos begins to bleed through, and perhaps not against this man's will.

As he travels his fortunes fall, his postion becomes unstable.  His very life is at risk.  However, he seems to want this.  He's tired and worn and yet so very young.  He wants to feel something, anything even failure.  It is this self destructive desire that fuels the film.

It's certainly not for everyone.  The dialog is often at best cryptic.  The images are often disturbing.  Watching him being given a prostate exam as he grills a female worker is .... awkward at best?  Dialog over making rats a unit of currency are funny, but off putting.  This is like one of those modern compositins where the music is all in minor notes and almost off key.  One is never at ease while watching this.

As I said, classic Croenberg.

Things You Need To Know #311

The Claminikinicalisocan is an odd instrument that maybe ten people in the world can play.  It helps if you can wiggle your ears.  The Claminikinicalisocan can calm the waters and stir the tea with its melodies.  It once was used in a dance between earth and fire and fay and humans.  Lessons can be arranged with Miss Carrligh by the sea.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Phoenix Flies

Source:  The Maladiction Chronicles
Location:  The Green Sulphur Swamp on Liar's Island.  A trianglar area of about 160 square miles of wasteland made up of water, muck and run off from the arsenic mines and sulphur springs.
Threat Assessment:  1.  Small flies with a very annoying attitude.  Unfortunately swatting them causes them to burst into painful green flames.  There is a fifty percent chance that the fly will later reform to annoy again.
Limitation:  It's a fly and about as smart as a rock.

Today's Secret Code

Today's either the first day in the rest of your life, or the last.  Do you feel lucky punk?  Again:  Today's either the first day in the rest of your life, or the last.  Do you feel lucky punk?  Today's Colour is grinchy green.  Today's Author just wants to be seen.  That is is all, cellophane Sue, maho maho.