Sunday, December 16, 2012

Things You Need To Know #310

The Vacktors love Christmas.  With a little bit of paint and cloth they can look exactly like little dolls.  They then infiltrate under Christmas trees and spend some time in the warm embrace of a child.  Just a day of that gives them enough life for the rest of their year.  The child comes to no harm except of course the loss of one of their toys.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Tofullu

Source:  The Veggienomicon
Location:  The lower crisper
Threat Assessment:  7.  The Demon of Veganism Tofullu would seem harmless except he wants to turn all humanity into plants and harvest them for that last veggie burger.
Limitation:  Tetchy

Today's Secret Code:

There is no law that can stop the breaking of a law.  Again:  There is no law that can stop the breaking of a law.  Today's Colour is Pepsi Brown.  Today's Author is letting that season in.  That is all Charlie Brown, maho maho.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Things You Need to Know #309

For those who think they can escape vengeance via suicide I present to you one Dr. Allan Malle Mumba who hails from what was formally known as the Dark Continent.  Dr. Mumba was a child soldier and took his first life at nine.  Not happy with his lot he found a way out and spent the rest of his childhood with men who knew strange and deadly wisdom. Now Dr. Mumba, for a proper fee of course, can bring back the spirit of man who has done his client wrong.  Then Dr. Mumba can get very, very painfully creative.  The good things about spirits is they cannot truly be destroyed, merely brought to the very edge of it.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Suspended

Some days there are no monsters worse than the one down the street.

Today's Secret Code:

There is no secret in sorrow, there is only the truth in loss. Today's Colours fly at half mast. Today's Author prays. That is all, that is all...

The Watch

The Watch isn't a bad film, but it isn't what it secretly yearns to be.   What it really wants to be is "Ghostbusters," but it is in tone a bit too mean spirited for that.  Tone is always a bugger when writing a film.  It is just one of those things that is a magical combination of actor, director and script that really can't be predicted.  Sure there's a lot of snark in "Ghostbusters," but when Bill Murray did snark (at least at that point in his career) there was a twinkle in his eye that made us forgive him totally.  There is no such twinkle in Ben Stiller's eye (no doubt killed by Focker movies) nor Vince Vaughn who I believe was born without a soul.

The story is simple.  A naive little town is being invaded by the most generic aliens not imagined.  Ben Stiller is a go getter and club maker so after the first mysterious death it's only natural he starts a neighborhood watch program.  The only takers are a bunch of losers who use it as sort of a man's club slash macho tester.  Everything else is basically clockwork. 

Now this isn't a bad film, it's just two shades above bland film.  You can watch.  You can smile here and there, and then forget it.  Definitely forget it.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Things You Need To Know #308

The Black Cup is always empty.  Fill it and it will be empty the moment it is brought to the lips.  You can feel it gently sucking at your lips as it is empty of air as well.  It is a philosophical model but it has certain useful real world applications.  The owner is willing to sell it for  five camels, five drachmas that were once owned by a Roman Soldier and your middle name.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: shoggoths

Source:  At the Mountains of Madness
Location:  Antartica
Threat Assessment:  8.  Able to cause madness just at being glanced at.  Able to take any shape.  Really, Really big and annoyed.
Limitation:  Perfectly happy to be left alone.

Today's Secret Code

Dreams are seeds.  Be the fertile field.  Again:  Dreams are seeds.  Be the fertile field.  Today's Colour is china white.  Today's Author is like the cup, his worth is in his emptiness.  That is all Bruce, maho maho.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Things You Need To Know #307

There is a man in Manchester that talks to rocks.  As anyone who has been reading these can guess they talk back to him.  Things reached the point where he married (unofficially) a very pretty piece of granite with a somewhat suggest femine shape.  If you want his help take our advice and sweet talk the wife.  Gifts, however, are wasted and jewelry is frowned upon.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Trolls

Source:  Disc World Novels
Location:  Disc World
Threat Assessment:  A magical silicone life form of immense size and strength.  They are basically humaniod rocks with diamonds for teeth.  Do the math and run.
Limitation:  We can do the math, they are a little limited.  They tend to be mentally slow at room temp.

Today's secret code:

When you think about it "machine gun" is a stupid term.  It would be like calling your pet "animal dog."  Again:  When you think about it "machine gun" is a stupid term.  It would be like calling your pet "animal dog."  Today's Colour is a lantiny green used for a litany of luminary writings.  Today's Author is indecently decent.  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Things You Need To Know #306

Mr. Scrabble is one of those who feeds on psychic energy.  In this case it is the energy of mobs which tend to be very bitter energy.  He has created more riots than he can remember and constantly has some tums on him.  Life sometimes can be hard.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Bumble

Source:  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Location:  Somewhere near the north pole
Threat Assessment:  A good seven it took a pack of dogs and guy with a pick to slow it down.
Limitation:  Poor dental hygene

Today's Secret Code:

Rain falls on the guilty and innocent alike and the wise man has his bumbershoot.  Again:  Rain falls on the guilty and innocent alike and the wise man has his bumbershoot.  Today's Colour is a raving orange creme.  Today's Author is building an arc.  That is all Telsa, maho maho.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Things You Need To Know #305

The doggones are a race of fairy pets.  They are very loyal and will stay with the Masters even after the death of one or the other.  Mind you that means they can be rather smelly, but what dog isn't?

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The REAL Grinch

Source:  The Grinch That Stole Christmas
Location:  Up above Whoville.
Threat Assessment:  Well if he put himself to it he'd be as good as Lector, but since he's really just annoyed neighbor who wants everyone else to be as miserable as him he rates only a 3.
Limitation:  Can't get a read on good people until he has his heart enlargement.

Today's Secret Code:

If the house says get out then get out.  Again:  If the house says get out then get out.  Today's Colour is fluffy bunny golden brown.  Today's Author is sweating it out.  That is all and I will name you George and hold you and pet you, maho maho.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Never Trust a Monkey With Guns

Dust Up and The Dead Inside

I mentioned before IRS films.  Just another relic of the eighties.  A maverick bunch who took independent films to quirky, kooky limits.  They were aided and abetted by their ties to IRS records and the whole indie art scene.  I bring it up because both "Dust Up" and "The Dead Inside" remind me, at least in spirit, of the films IRS used to present.

Dust Up is set in the high desert of the mojave.  A place very familiar to indie film makers.  Here we have a hero with a dark past, an eye patch, and doing a lot of meditating outside his trailer.  His trusted friend is a true indian companion.  Together they do handy man work and get in trouble.  In this case they try to save a loser with a wife and child from a band of pretty much insane meth heads.  Led by Jim Jonesish ex vet they are mostly a fairly ineffectual lot (with the exception of Mr. Lizard), but there sure are a lot of them.  So in the end our heroes must band together and fight off methed off crazies.  It's a pretty exciting and bloody film that is balanced by dead pan dialogue like "Did you wash that?  I mean I dig the whole ear drum for an ear drum thing, but I can't live with an inner ear infection."

The Dead Inside is a bit more complicated.  It's a musical and it's sort of a horror piece.  Our heroes here are a couple.  One a writer the other a photographer.  They hate having to do their mundane jobs and sing about the joys of a zombie apocalypse.  Unfortunately the writer becomes possessed by a spirit and her soul mate now must try to save her... or fall in love with the new person inside her body.  As they sing their troubles they also flash back to her novel about zombies as a zombie couple tries to figure out how to get passed a locked door.

Neither film is perfect, and certainly low budget shows its seams here and there.  But on the other hand we should award those folks who try something just a little different.  So if you can dig something outside the box give both of these films a look.

Things You Need To Know #304

The Semblance haunts wherever mirrors have been broken in great numbers.  It can take on any form but still perfers the likeness of early queens of the silver screen.  If you glance into a reflection and see a beautiful woman in black and white behind you that is just the Semblance and the worst that will happen will be a wicked wink.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Mr. Lizard

Source:  Dust Up
Location:  High Desert
Threat Assessment:  6.  Actually more a villain than a monster, Mr. Lizard still has impressive teeth and a more than theoretical knowledge of combat.
Limitation:  Strictly a mook.

Today's Secret Code

What does a puzzle dream of other than to be whole.  Again:   What does a puzzle dream of other than to be whole?  Today's Colour is not listed in Carmines Contents of Cordial Colours.  Today's Author is not listed as any peerage or knighthood.  That is all Robin, maho maho.

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Luno Fingroj

The Luno Fingroj
are a race of fighters
bred to seek
the weak points
The Masters
are no more

The Mid-Season Finale of The Walking Dead

First off can we stop this BS of mid-season finales?  I know they need the ratings and such but I would like to watch the whole darn season in one go not in fits and starts.  I don't want to wait three months to continue the story.  The only good thing is that it means that The Talking Dead is removed as well.  Never has there been more shameless, feckless fan wankage than that show.  It's commerials near the end of The Walking Dead nearly kill all the fun.

Now with that out of the way, let's talk about the good.  After a horrid second season the writers seem to have their pulse on what makes a show about creatures without pulses tick.  They've ramped up the despair, the pain, but also the action.  The show has become like a never ending war where any rest is as likely to produce a breakdown as a respite.  The show has also made characters we hated into compelling ones.  Carl was just a cypher in the second season and an annoying one at that.  Now he's grown up to be a little man of responsiblity, character, and definitely the ability to kick ass.  Is he sane?  He shot his own mom in the head, so let's just say therapy might be needed.  On the other hand shooting your mom in the head so she doesn't become a zombie is the new "normal."  Carl might just be ahead of the curve.

The show also gave us a good human villain in the form of the Govenor.  We've known he's crazier than bugs on a skillet, but he's also been shown to at seem to have feelings.  So we are if not conflicted at least presented with someone who isn't twirling his wax mustache.  Even Merle who was a one note racist in the first season has grown into a very fascinating person.  You don't dare trust him and you don't really like him, but you really want to know what he'll do next.

Ok, back to some bad things.  The writers still can't seem to write for female characters.  I had hoped that problem might have been solved with the death of Lori who was the most hated character up to that point.  Unfortunately, no.  Andrea has been written as if she's been given a lust lobotomy.  Seriously, I've seen women make dumb choices in the men in their lives but she takes the cake.  Also, I thought it was a joke among people in the chat rooms but last night episode seems to prove that there can only be one black man in Rick's group.  First T-dawg bought it when Oscar joined up and now oscar buys the farm the second a new black man enters Rick's prison.  Seriously folks, having two black men in your group will not be the end of the world.  Well, the world has already ended, but you know what I mean.

Overall, a good season so far and I want to see more. 

The Hole

Poor Joe Dante.  It hasn't been his decade.  He started his film career screaming hot.  Everyone loved Gremlins.  But something happened over the years.  A bit of bad luck here, a sense of doing the same old thing there, and suddenly he's no longer the talent stud Hollywood thought he was.  The Hole has been on the shelf for three years and is now finally released.  Usually that's the sign of a full fledged bomb with a lit fuse.  Is that the case here or is it another bout of Dante's unfortunate luck?

Honestly, I'll go with the second option.  The film isn't the greatest thing since a hot pastrami sandwich, but it's not bad either.  It's really a rather good spooky film for kids and that is certainly rare enough.  In fact, I sense that maybe that was one of the problem as it straddled that awkward place in horror movies between scooby doo and one's first slasher movie.

The film is about a small family moving into a small town and finding a "gateway to hell" (as the girl next door describes it) under their house.  The first part of the film builds nicely as the explore the hole as best they can.  Then there's a nice spooky bit in the middle punctuated by a nice over the top performance by Bruce Dern as Creepy Carl.  Then we get basically three different endings as each kid has to face their fears.

The film moves quickly (perhaps a little too quick) but it always has some time for Dante's shout out to other films.  Like there's a scene where the youngest kid puts a blanket over a demonic doll that's a direct reference to Poltergeist.  One other thing the film has time for is to work on the relation between the brothers.  It perfectly captures the deep love and casual cruelty that can exist between brothers.  On the one hand they are ragging on each other and throwing balls at each other's head but when the chips are down they will do anything for each other.  The kids are good actors and really sell the fear they are having as real and not Hollywood.

Really there's nothing wrong with the film at all, it just lacked that one extra dose of fairy dust to make it stand out. I do hope Dante's luck will improve.  He's made many films that have made me smile and I hope he makes more.

Things You Need To Know #303

A 507 is what you really need.  It's so fine, truly refined.  A 507 will bring you comfort and joy.  A 507 will bring you lovers and money.  A 507 is easy to use and only requires the sacrifice of hamsters.  If you want a 507 you will have to contact a free lancer and be sure to bring money, gold, myrrh, and now twinkies.  Remember, a 507 is what you want, what you need, what you must have.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Darkness

Source:  The Hole
Location:  A hole, in this case under your house
Threat Assessment:  7.  Able to see what you fear most and manifest it.  Wheeeeeee...
Limitations:  Seems a little sluggish you really have to bait fate to find it and be bothered by it.

Today's Secret Code:

Remember when stocking up for the apocalypse of your choosing that civilization's most lasting creations are soft toilet paper, beer, and twinkies and we've just lost one of them.  Again:  Remember when stocking up for the apocalypse of your choosing that civilization's most lasting creations are soft toilet paper, beer, and twinkies and we've just lost one of them.  Today's Colour is tomorrow's red.  Today's Author is yesterday's afterthought.  That is all Amy and don't fret, maho maho.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Giant Fire King Kupubookoo

Libriomancer and the Things I'd Take Out of Books

Libriomancer is a fun little book that strokes geek greed to insane degrees.  Our hero is one of the few people in the world who know how to do the arcane art of libriomancy which was first created by Gutenberg who's still around by the way.  The act is simple the libriomancer really gets into reading a book.  Later he can use that book as a portal and reach in and pull out anything that can come out of a portal the size of the book.  Later on the libriomancer is encouraged to put the booty back cause it tends to cause cracks in the universe.  The libriomancers consider themselves a force of good using their magic to protect us from things like vampires and to keep magic a secret.

Our hero might disagree with them but that's cause he's been put on short leash and made to promise not to do any more magic.  Instead he's stuck in a library cataloging books with either good booty or potential problems.  Suddenly a gang of glittery vampires (vampires come from books too and each series has its own species) gets up in his grill and he's about to be fang bait except for the help of a kung fu dyrad (don't ask long story).  After that he learns someone has kidnapped Gutenberg and his most powerful magic devices and is starting a war between vampires and libriomancers.  So our hero with a bunch of SF paperbacks and his helpful fire spider goes back into the field to save the day. 

I quite liked the book and I really love the idea of libriomancy.  Which got me thinking of what would I take out of the book.  Now remember the first rule is it has  to fit through the book so that rules out time travelling deloreans.   The second rule is generally anything sentient that comes through is driven barking mad so you better hold off before getting Aladdin's lamp.  Finally, not a rule but a condition of the art is not everything you can get you can use.  For example, Thor's hammer in the comic books (which of course are bound into graphic novel format) can only be lifted by Thor.  So it's not going to do you any good.  With all that in mind here is my list.

1)  Babel fish.  The hero in the book used them and it's a good idea.  Apparently either the fish doesn't have enough brain power to activate the second rule or a mad fish in your ear isn't going to do you any harm.  The great thing about babel fish is that they are instant translators so I'll always know what's going on.

2)  Psychic paper.  Almost as much fun as a TARDIS.  Psychic paper will let me pretend to be part of nearly any organization or have that last minute invite to the party.  Saves a lot of fights.

3)  The Love Magnet.  From the Wizard of Oz series.  It makes people look upon you with a most favorable light.  Again, why fight?

4)  Star Trek Phaser.  Well if you got to this is a great go to weapon to end a fight.  Has a great battery life.  Variable settings such a stun or kill.  It also doesn't have annoying technology that makes it a one person gun like the guns in Logan's Run.

5)  Cold Stick from Logan's Run.  On the other hand they had this cute little club that also freezes what it hits.  We have a lot of things to cause fire but few things I can carry around to cool my favorite soft drink.

6)  The Mandarian's rings.  Sort of a cheat here since there are ten rings, but I'm considering them a set.  Each ring has a different function such as matter disintergration.  Not only blinging but useful.

7)  Star Trek's cartoon life support belt.   Small enough to be worn under your clothes when you want not be conspicuous, but when you need what amounts to an instant space suit it's there for you at the touch of a button.  By the way there are novelizations from these toons so it won't be hard to find as long you can reach a second hand bookstore.

8)  Staff of Long Enough.  There are many versions of this from Dragonball to more traditional fantasy novels.  It's a staff that can shrink or grow to nearly any size.  Put it in your pocket for that rainy day.

9)  From D&D a Bag of Holding.  Nothing can be finer than having something to put the stuff you find in.  Perhaps not the most stylish but it gets the job done and barely weighs a thing even when full.

10)  Also from D&D a magic coin purse.  An odd choice but hear me out.  Everyday you open it and it has some copper, silver, and one or two gold coins.  Enough so you don't starve in the D&D world but not enough to get silly with.  Now here the currency itself is useless but melt down those gold and silver coins and you'd never have to work again given gold prices.

So what would you take out of a book?

Things You Need To Know #302

Dr. Wilcom has created, or rather distilled, the element of sorrow.  He keeps it small vials of purple quartz and the substance itself looks quite vile.  It's sort of a greenish brown with nearly electric glitter.  One vial could send an entire town into a deep depression.  The whereabouts of Dr. Wilcom are now unknown.  If you see him please contact either the CIA, the Vatican, or Doc Happy of Sunnydale.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Dennis Hopper Dinosaur Man

Source:  Mario Brothers
Location:  Alternate Earth
Threat Assessment:  6.  Controls a city the size of New York and has some high technology.
Limitation:  His goons have the intelligence of ....well ... goons.

Today's Secret Code

The shadow is just a trick of the light.  Again:  The shadow is just a trick of the light.  Today's Colour is pure purple.  Today's Author is burning up.  That's all, maho maho.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Things You Need To Know #301

The Kabinet of Kuriosity is a well known story among traders in the bizarre.  Supposedly anything put in the Kabinet will disappear when the doors are closed only to be replaced by an object of equal value to the person opening it at that time.  Of course understanding what that worth could be is something else entirely.  Never let children play near the the Kabinet....

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Elevator Girl

Source:  TV
Location:  Elevator
Threat Assessment:  3 if you count for the ability to cause a heart attack.
Limitation:  The shark she has jumped

Today's Secret Code

Every book is a door, every mind is a key and a lock.  Again:  Every book is a door, every mind is a key and a lock.  Today's Colour is a suffusion of pink.  Today's Author is a distillation of something that can be mistaken for being bright.  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Things You Need To Know #300

The Mirror of Athos will always show any pages ripped out of a book.  It has been long sought by frustrated readers of mysteries and that small band of mischief makers that enjoy taunting them by ripping out the last five pages.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Ogopogo

Source:  Folklore
Location:  Canada
Threat Assessment:  Variable.  Some native american legends paint quite the horror.  Present day it just moons eyewitnesses.
Limitation:  Probably doesn't exist.

Today's Secret Code:

I dream of a box with no inside, I live in a world that has no end.  Again:  I dream of a box with no inside, I live in a world that has no end.  Today's Colour is blue fuel.  Today's Author is inside outside.  That is all, maho maho.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Robot Gorillas are all the rage at Christmas

Things You Need To Know #299

The meteor showers around Spring Glenn are quite rejuvenating.  They happen every fourth of every third month at two in the morning.  If you go out into the public green naked you will take in deep energies that make the body feel much younger.  Oh, it is against the law to be naked on t he public green.  Be warned and be fast.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Green Martians

Source:  John Carter
Location:  Mars
Threat Assessment:  6.  ten feet tall, tusked, four armed and green which isn't easy.
Limitation:  Living on a low gravity world.

Today's Secret Code:

Do you give rubber dogs real bones?  Again:  Do you give rubber dogs real bones?  Today's Colour is a bright crimson.   Today's Author is real by appointment.  That is all Fido, maho maho.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The Gogmamgogatron

An artificial myth intelligence
the Gogmamgogatron
represents faux duality

Wrong Turn 5

Wow there's already been five films in this series?  Horror films have a low threshold to cross to sequelhood but five is still a special number.  Generally it means the series has already jumped the proverbial shark and now is a weird self mutating meme of itself.  Here, for example, the best film was 2 which had tongue firmly in cheek unless it was gouged out with an ax.  Since then it's been sort of trying to find a villain that could really hold the series together.

They get close here with a rather nice looking older man who is in fact the head of the clan of inbred hillbillies.  He can play a scene either soft or hard and definitely keeps the audience on their toes.  In this version a small southern town has a halloween/rock concert celebration of a slaughter that occurred pre civil wars.  Now the lady sheriff has captured the descendant of these hillbilly mutants and is holding him in jail til the real cops come.  But his "boys" are working hard to break him out.  In the middle of this mess is a bunch of clicheo teens, and media types.  Truly the field for savage mutilation is wide and fertile here.  Like other films in this series the violence is extremely graphic. 

Overall the film has a good pace and some interesting characters.  The cheap roots though are showing in bad effectss and just an overall feeling of cheapness.  At best this film has a sort of blind hopefulness that they now have a hook to hang another two or three films.  At worst, it's basically more of the same and doubly insulting as it is trading in the fear of southerners. 

Things You Need To Know #298

Never let the vorpal pen touch a map.  It's line can divide in ways no one can divine before hand.  Sometimes the earth literally splits and other times it is the minds of men of divide.  The vorpal pen still has a feather at the end from the last cockatrice.  Since any part of the cockatrice is death to touch it takes a certain amount of skill to use the vorpal pen. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Killer Crabs

Source:  Killer Crabs by Guy N. Smith
Location:  By the seaside
Threat Assessment:  7.  Nearly unkillable with razor sharp claws..
Limitation:  Still a crab.

Today's Secret Code:

Blind as a bat is like weak as Superman, discuss.  Again:  Blind as a bat is like weak as Superman, discuss.  Today's Colour is a coral pink.  Today's Author is a choral chord.  That is all Miz Thang, maho maho.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Things You Need to Know #297

Just as a sighted person has an advantage over the blind the Ozi have an advantage over standard humanity.  They can sense the eddies of fate and what some people refer to karma.  If you see an Ozi move quickly it would be best to follow.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Martians

Source:  Mars Attacks
Location:  Um...see above
Threat Assessment:  8.  Capable of invading the world and causing great destruction.
Limitation:  Bad music.

Today's Secret Code:

In the kingdom of the blind a one eyed man might be king but I know I'd be the bloke trying to sell them sun glasses.  Again:  Om yjr lomhfp, pg yjr n;omf s pmr rurf ,sm ,ohjy nr lomh niy zo lmpe zof nr yjr n;plr ytuomh yp dr;; yjr, dim h;sdrd/   Today's Colour is a healthy indigo.  Today's Author is as blind as a shade.  That is all Bella, maho maho.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Today's Secret Code:

 Madya, mamsa, matsya, mudra, maithun.  Again:  Madya, mamsa, matsya, mudra, maithun.  Today's Colour is an old yeller.  Today's Author is undecided.  That is all happy campers, maho maho.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Havok Shade

Havok Shades are a side effect
of man's cruelty
If unleashed in the material world
a Havok Shade can turn
a house to ash in
blackened twinkle

Things You Need To Know #296

The Ginklegreebles live in the bushes.  They are the best thorn smiths in all of the Fay World.  A thorn blade that was tamed by a Ginklegreeble can easily slay a manticore or census worker.  Truly a wonder among wonders.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Eddie Munster

Source:  Mockingbird Lane
Location:  See above.
Threat Assessment:  5.  While only a child werewolf he definitely has some chops.
Limitation:  Child.

Today's Secret Code:

The serene swan on the pond is kicking furiously where you can't see.  Again:  The Serene swan on the pond is kicking furiously where you can't see.  Today's Colour is a hot toddy brown.  Today's Author is not just dotty but polka dotty.  That is all Yakko, maho maho.

Sunday, November 18, 2012


A Telsanoid
is an Electrokinesist
able to form shapes with electric/magnetic current

Things You Needed To Know #295

There are quantum gods.  They are not worshipped because they do and don't exist.  There is one and there is many.  They cannot think as humans do.  Cause and effect are mysteries to them.  With such a gulf between men and the quantum gods, perhaps it is best that we ignore each other.  No man could handle their heaven of hot ice cream and colorless colors.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Pizza the Hutt

Source:  Space Balls
Location:  um.... space?
Threat Assessment:  5.  Criminal ganglord.
Limitation:  Living Pizza.  Slow and has good taste.

Today's Secret Code:

A knight without armor in a savage land; Paladin, Paladin where do you roam?  Again:  A knight without armor in a savage land; Paladin, Paladin where do you roam?  Today's Colour is a stylish black.  Today's Author needs to be wired.  That is all Mr. Boone, maho maho.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Island of Bad Toys

The Island of Bad Toys
is due East
of the Island of Misfit Toys
Good navigation
can often save

Things You Need To Know #294

Wailing Joe is a warning haunt.  He comes at night wailing and crying whenever any child in Verbena Arizona is lost.  If you follow the cries of Wailing Joe there's a good chance you can find the lost child.  Poor Joe never found his own son even in the after life. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Wendigo

Source:  Marvel comics, Grimm, folklore
Location:  Canadian wilds
Threat Assessment:  7.  The Stories vary but they all agree the Wendigo is ferocious and a cannibal.
Limitation:  Again stories vary, consult your local gun store or shaman.

Today's Secret Code

Would a person who has never experienced the sea hear the sea in a sea shell?  Again:  Would a person who never experienced the sea hear the sea in a sea shell?  Today's Colour is a blah blue.  Today's Author would rather be fiskytoodling.  That is all Charles, Maho Maho.

Friday, November 16, 2012

The Jessitrix

The Jessitrix
once ruled
the Magical
Land of Vu
Now she's in the Projects
in Detroit

Things You Need To Know #293

There are many quiet people that are waiting for the end of the world.  They aren't evil really they are just tired and want all the little miseries of their humdrum mundane lives to end.  Some have stopped waiting.  They conspire quietly.  They read the science journals.  They send donations to certain groups.  They don't know how the world will end, or even if they will survive their work, but they will not be unprepared.  Unlike that poor fellow on the Twilight Zone they all have five extra pair of glasses. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Snake Vampires

Source:  Lair of the White Worm
Location:  British Isles
Threat Assessment:  Not afraid of daylight, big fangs, can infect others, spits poisons, seductive.
Limitation:  Religious zealot.

Today's Secret Code

The reasons are sometimes not reasonable, discuss.  Again:  The reasons are sometimes not reasonable, discuss.  Today's Colour is saffron yellow.  Today's Author is a maker of games and a player of life.  That is all take three squares back, maho maho.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Jonny Bugg

Jonny Bugg was an inventor
at the turn of some century
He's always been happy with his extra arms
and bicycle powered time machine


Vamps is a surprisingly funny up beat movie about urban vampire girl friends making it through the night without taking a bite of a human.  The girls in question are Goody who's been around a couple centuries and Stacy who's new to the whole fang scene.  So as not to intimidate her Goody pretends to be young as well and often has to cover for her knowledge of old New York by saying she had watched it on the History Channel.  That's a pretty lame excuse unless the subject is Hitler or UFOs anymore but Stacy buys it and they have a pretty good time bar hopping and going to blood AA meetings.  Of course, things are never so simple and soon love enters their lives again.  Can Stacy make a relationship with a Van Helsing?  Can Goody comes to terms with a man she loved decades ago?  Can both survive jury duty and Homeland Security? 

I loved the film it was fast pace and fun.  All the actors did wonders.  I loved Malcolm McDowell as Vlad Tepish aka Dracula.  He's mellowed over the centuries and is now more interested in his knitting.  Sigourney Weaver was also fun as the happily predator "parent" of our two fang gals.  Definitely worth watching and it's nice to have a feel good vampire film.

Things You Need To Know #292

The Slnotts are an unfortunate type of fairy.  They are nose fairies and make as best a home there as can be.  Unfortunately for humans Slnotts consider mucus a must for home decor. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Giant Claw

Source:  The Giant Claw
Location:  Space and upper atmosphere
Threat Assessment:  9.  It's just a giant monster bird with a forcefield, but it is also a giant monster bird with a forcefield made of antimatter.  That's enough antimatter to blow the Earth to nothing if you aren't careful.
Limitation:  A bird brain.

Today's Secret Code:

I have not been sucked into a black hole, but some highly recommend it.  Again:  I have not been sucked into a black hole, but some highly recommend it.  Today's Colour is shrapnal silver.  Today's Author is an angry bird and a green pig.  That is awwwwww cute puppy, maho maho.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Things You Need To Know #291

Staidis is a small town in Ohio.  It is a retirement home for time travellers.  They have gone from past to future and back again, and now they just want a nice quiet place where time seems to stand still.  There is no TV in Staidis nor newspapers.  They seem quaint as long as you don't look in the barns and garages and find machines that require small stars to power.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Demonically Possessed Turkey

Source:  Yattering and Jack
Location:  Normal home
Threat Assessment:  5.  Can't touch his victim but he's free to drive him insane by stunts like possessing the christmas turkey.
Limitation:  Not too smart.

Today's Secret Code:

Always count your chickens before hatching and let your ducks go where they may.  Again:  Always count your chickens before hatching and let your ducks go where they may.  Today's Colour is ivory but not ebony.  Today's Author can dig it, can you dig it?  That's all warriors don't come out to play maho maho.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Things You Need To Know #290

The berries of Strombo's Dilly remember from their roots when the land was wild.  To eat these darkly sweet berries is to invite dreams of a land before there was ever a human footprint.  One must beware though, there are things that walk the old dreams that no man has seen.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Hounds of Tindalos

Source:  Cthulhu mythology
Location:  In the extremely deep past
Threat Assessment:  7.  Capable of time travel and moving through walls with corners.  Can easily kill a man.
Limitation:  Can't manifest through curves.

Today's Secret Code:

Sometimes the trick to be perceptive is what you don't perceive.  Again:  Sometimes the trick to be perceptive is what you don't perceive.  Today's Colour is a vibrant enigma.  Today's Author is wrapped in an egg roll.  That is all Charles Chan, maho maho.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Requests for the Unwalking Dead

This is for T Dwag who discovered his inner bad ass late....

This is for all the Lori haters out there, hope you are happy now

Monster High: Ghouls Rule

Monster High is a fairly harmless mini media empire designed to sell dolls and such to young tweens and teens.  It's no worse than My Little Pony and it's good to keep that in mind while watching something like "Ghouls Rule."

The idea is simple, in a world with monsters being somewhat common they have to go to school like normal people.  Like normal people all the cliques and stereotypes we are familiar with from high school are evident.  There are the popular girls, the nerdy girls, the catty want to be popular girls, and you get the idea.  The plot of this little special is that it is Halloween which is now a time the monsters fear as it is the time where the "normies" go monster hunting crazy.  There is a rising hostility between the normal high school and monster high.  In this mess is Frankie Fine who is trying to find the true spirit of Halloween, Holt who is half normie and feeling heat from both sides, and Cleo who is being pushed by her daddy to take charge of the situation any way she can.

All in all it's a normal halloween special for kids.  I liked some of the characters, but no one really rang my bell.  Not surprising again the demographics are squarely aimed at teen girls which explained the endless shots of high heeled "monster" shoes. 

Things You Need To Know #289

The last person in a long line might just be an An té a fan agus ocras.  A very old form of fay the An té a fan agus ocras uses lines to find prey.  If they find someone completely preoccupied and not paying attention they will steal all their Tuesdays from their mind.  Why Tuesdays is a matter of some debate, but there you go.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Nazi Zombies

Source:  The Haunted World of El Superbeasto
Location:  the City
Threat Assessment:  3.  Sure zombie nazis sound bad but really they are just orcs.
Limitation:  Smart as fictional nazis, yeah  that dumb.

Today's Secret Code:

Fight the dead and vote.  Again:  Fight the dead and vote.  Today's Colour should be patriotic. Today's Author that fights the good fight.  That's all my friend, maho maho.

Monday, November 5, 2012

The Space Queen Alala

Alala shes she rules all of space
take that with a grain of salt
and a delithium crystal

Death, Death, and the Walking Dead


Two main characters bit it and the world will never be the same again for the survivors.  I'm sort of torn here because on the one hand it was certainly good TV.  On the other, though, I'm aware that both characters that died were "problem" characters.  Both T Dog and Lori had legions of detractors.  T Dog's character was thumped on for blatant stereotyping and for having maybe a line an episode.  Lori was detracted for being written as a chaos bitch by the writers.  The writers could never get a hold of her character and so she was all over the place which made the audience just a little bit more than annoyed.  The point being, did the writers dump these two not so much for the drama but because they were tired of dealing with fanboys?

We may never know and in the end it really doesn't matter.  What we have here in the end is just some darn good TV.  Bleak yes.  Blackly bleak.  Bleak as dead vulture's beak.  You get the idea, but still it compels viewing.

It starts out on a rare good day for our survivors, but we know that can't last.  Soon they are over run by the dead.  It becomes obvious that it is not an accident.   Our crew is split off into groups and must fend for themselves.  It really is a bad time for Lori  to have baby, but really was there ever going to be a good time?

By the end you bought it all hook, line, and C section.  If you weren't choking back tears at the end I can't see how.  The question is now what next?   How can you top a frontier C section and Ol' Yellar moment? 

I can't see how, but I'll watch.

Things You Need To Know #288

That old serpent Meshabham still slinks in the hollows and vaults of the Old East Church.  If found he will answer two questions and make a prediction.  He will answer truthfully and knows nearly everything.  Unfortunately his prediction is usually "I will bite you and you die."

This was something you needed to know. 

Monster of the Day: zombie baby

Source:  Dawn of the Dead
Location:  Mall
Threat Assessment:  3.  Bad news for mom and that's about it.
Limitation:  Gross zombie baby.  No play dates for you.

Today's Secret Code:

A door is a wall with possiblities.  Again:  A door is a wall with possiblities.  Today's Colour is a sudden stop your car red.  Today's Author is a driven man.  That is all Mr. Ford, maho maho.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Unko Tiki

A powerful artifact
the Unko Tiki
can command
all weather

Logan's Run The Television Series

I already wrote that the movie "Logan's Run" should be remade based on my theory of why remake good films when there are so many films that didn't quite make it the first time.  Logan's Run was certainly not a complete failure and even spawned its own TV show.  Unfortunately, spawned is a good description of the show that is more a curiousity than entertainment.

First off, let it be known that I now clearly nominate "Logan's Run" for having the most irritating music in TV history.  It's half disco, half riffing dog barks on a moog.  It's all annoying and gets into the back of your head and does horrible damage.  It's a musical "Pew, pew, pew" that thinks it is a John Williams score.

The show itself is sort of faithful to the movie but not to the spirit.  Logan and Jessica have left the City of Domes (that's the name, obviously in the future there is no imagination.)  They are sort of seeking Sanctuary, but really it's an excuse for them to meet a new "society" each week aka the problem of the week.  So we don't forget the reason for the show the old men who rule secretly over the young people of the City of Domes sometimes hatch a plot to bring them back so they can brain wash them into model citizens and end all this annoying rebellion.

This is seventies TV at its lowest.  The plots scream out the problem of each society with the subtleness of a hammer in a glass factory.  Even famed author Harlan Ellison couldn't do too much with his episode and wisely made it into a who done it.  The special effects are.... interesting.  The only good thing is Donald Moffat who plays the android Rem.  He really doesn't belong in this show but he also clearly is having too good a time being Data before Data.

If one needed to remake the TV show for today I'd certainly keep the focus more on Sanctuary.  Also, I'd sharpen the focus on Logan and his gun.  The Gun in Logan's universe is nearly as important as the ring in Lord of the Ring.  It's nearly a religious item and it now belongs to a priest now heretic.

Things You Need To Know #287

There are ducks that know quantum physics.  How they know is a mystery, but between hunting for bread and a nice nesting place they can enter a place between space and time.   If we would be like ducks we could get down, off a period of history.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Killer lawn mower

Source:  Maximum Overdrive
Location:  Lawns duh.
Threat Assessement:  5.  With all the machines becoming homocidally alive a lawn mower might be the least of your problems.  Unless you are on a lawn.
Limitation:  Stairs.

Today's Secret Code

Is that a ferret up my leg, or am I just happy to see you?  Again:  Is that a ferret up my leg, or am I just happy to see you?  Today's Colour is a predatory pink.  Today's Author is glad he doesn't know a Mississippi squirrel.  That is all rug doctor, maho maho.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Things You Need To Know #286

Moody's rings have the ring of truth built into them.  Only true lovers can wear a pair.  If a married person wearing a Moody's ring strays the ring will stray as well and can't stay on.  Moody's rings are made with moon silver, phoenix breath, powdered sun beams, and a bit of gold for luster. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Ice Giants

Source:  Thor
Location:  Another world/dimension
Threat Assessment:  mmm a good 8 being a race of mystical creatures tough enough to give Thor a headache.
Limitation:  Not immune to a hammer.

Today's Secret Code:

A particle that has no charge makes all the difference between lead and gold.  Again:  A particle that has no charge makes all the difference between lead and gold.  Today's Colour is not gold as that would be gauche.  Today's Author is not the Golden Boy as that would be a miracle.  That is all Midas, maho maho.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Things You Need To Know #285

The Whims live between the woodwork of old houses in Womberton.  They are very family oriented and can trace their lines up to five hundred years without fail.  They are shy, but friendly and know many jokes about cats.  The Whims can make you invisible if you ask nicely, or unable to eat anything but leaves and water from drainspots if you threaten them.  As always, remember the Golden Rule.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Vampire Bunny

Source:  Bunnicula
Location:  Garden, nice warm house
Threat Assessment:  -10.  It's a vampire bunny
Limitation:  It's a vampire bunny

Today's Secret Code

"If some maniac asks 'Have you paid your dues, Jack?'   I look them in the eye and say, 'Have I paid my dues?  Yes the check is in the mail!'"  Again:  "If some maniac asks 'Have you paid your dues, Jack?' I look them in the eye and say, 'Have I paid my dues? Yes the check is in the mail!'"  Today's Colour is a creamy jade.  Today's Author has a six demon bag.  That's all Lo Pan maho maho.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Zombie Babies

Things You Need To Know #284

Toilet Paper used to "TP" certain houses can absorb etheric energies. Generally this isn't a problem unless the house has a 3rd degree entity within. Then the TP can become almost a life form all its own. Something to keep in mind when taking that post Halloween visit to the loo.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Fido

Source:  Fideo
Location:  Lovely little suburban home
Threat Assessment:  4.  Killer zombie, but a nice guy really.  Sort has a Lassie thing going.
Limitation:  Otnay ootay ightbray.

Today's Secret Code

In time the elder must give way to the younger unless you have a TARDIS.  Again:  In time the elder must give way to the younger unless you have a TARDIS.  Today's Colour has been forgotten by the sea.  Today's Author studies the tides.  That is all Aerosmith, maho maho.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Great Limmpat

are masters with numbers
and are in high demand
the Great Limmpat
is the foreman of the race
and must be  treated
with great respect
and pies

Werewolf: The Beast Among Us

This is a good example of a dumped project.  Universal put some big stakes in bringing back its classic monster line.  Unfortunately they put all their money on "Van Helsing" and "The Wolfman."  Both films basically crashed and burned.  So someone said, "hey let's reboot 'The Wolfman."  Well, there most have either been a sea change in the management of Universal or testing came back fairly odious because this fairly big budget project went straight to video.

Is that a bad thing, though?

The film creates a universe more in line with "Van Helsing," in that werewolves are so common that there are whole packs of werewolf hunters.  They are a gritty bunch who are uncouth but very well armed.  In this instance they are drawn to a remote village that is suffering from a rather odd werewolf.  There is a lot of tension between the villagers and the hunters.  One of the villagers, the young doctor's assistant, wants to help them to save the village and impress his girlfriend but they are leery of letting an amateur into their game.

The production values are first rate and the actors definitely are into scenary eating to a ghoulish degree.  The plot is a basic "who is it?" with fractions adding frictions.  There are some nice bits like a doctor's office with a bullet hole ridden wall to take care of all the victims of the werewolf.  Overall, this is a nice bit of cheese and deserved better than direct to DVD.

Things You Need To Know #283

On every other Halloween the house on Birkenshire lane is open for tricks.  You knock on the door and you recieve a brightly wrapped trick.  Give it to your friends if you dare, something very exciting will happen.  Maybe leathal but definitely exciting.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: This is Halloween

Source:  Tne Nightmare Before Christmas

Today's Secret Code:

The secret to the labyrinth is often in the heart.  Again:  The secret to the labyrinth is often in the heart.  Today's Colour is chocolate.  Today's Author is fasting.  That is all Gunga Din, maho maho.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Things You Need To Know #282

Quicksilver glass should not be confused with mercury glass.  Neither contains mercury (thankfully) but quicksilver glass is aware.  It moves around when no one is looking and it likes to hide.  It's best to keep a set in a locked cabinet.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Dead Psychic Martians

Source:  Quatermass and the Pit
Location:  Mars and London
Threat Assessment:  8.  They are dead but they can psychically fire up genetic memories and behaviours in humans creating a huge mass mind.
Limitation:  Still dead.  The psychic energy can be grounded.

Today's Secret Code

"With the sun as my door I walk through the divine fyre, but I will not burn as long as I fear not the pyre."  Again:  "With the Son as my way I travel with divine fyre, but I will not be burnt as long as I keep faith."  Today's Colour is the all color of white light.  Today's Author is looking for a place for punctuation, a period piece if you will.   That is all Detective Friday, maho maho.

Monday, October 29, 2012

The Esoterrist Tarotist: The Lovers

The Sixth Trump
Passion and Sensuality

Hooray for the Walking Dead

Merle is back and isn't he a breath of fresh air.  This episode was a meeting of this seasons bad guys and it was great fun.  Merle is his usual self, but written a bit better than first season.  He obviously has a bone to pick with Rick's crew, or rather he wants to give him his new metal hand point first.  He was the best surprise of this episode and will create a lot of tension between Rick's prison and the Govenor's Woodbury.

Now the Govenor is a piece of work.  Outwardly he's smooth.  So smooth.  Sure he's a  tyrant but he papers it over with enough sentiment that the 78 scared people buy the bullshit eagerly.  In the dark you gravitate to the light even if it's a fuse.  Inwardly the Govenor is obviously a bag of crazy.  His sanctum is a room full of aquariums filled with walker heads.  He kills without remorse and really he kills the soldiers not just for their loot but because he knew he could not control them.  That's his watch spring.  Control.

So, now we are having fun.  Rick's crew is cleaning up the prison which is much easier to defend than Woodbury.  So eventually we'll have a classic seige situation where the fort with less forces has to defend against a larger well armed force.  The key will be the Govenor's ability to control his new captive (though she doesn't know it yet) Andrea.  Will the new cold blooded Rick let her die?  Will Michonne get her sword back and do some dicing and slicing? 

As the great Willy Wonka said, "The suspense is terrible, I hope it lasts."

Things You Need To know #281

The Casper is a typical ghost con. The ghost plays shy, always scampering off when it is sure it is being seen. It's meant to look harmless, to have the poor putz follow the ghost. Don't ever fall for the Casper cause no good will ever come of it. The dead have needs you don't even want to understand.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Rat Monkey

Source:  Dead Alive
Location:  Isolated Island and zoos
Threat Assessment:  8.  Little bigger gives a nasty bite, but worse carries zombie disease.
Limitation:  little bugger is squishable.

Today's Secret Code

You cannot always be graceful and balanced. You cannot always slow yourself down. But when you put your hands out for support with either, rest assured that you can always be stung.  Look before you touch.  Today's Colour is a transparent blue.  Today's Author is an obtuse blues man.  That is all Big Daddy, maho maho.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Wild Ghoulroo

Ghoulroos are the high priestess
of the Ghoul culture
They are always ethical
and hungry

Things You Need To Know #280

The shadows of Barrowfield are very possessive.  They don't like the living, the substantial.  They will take actions, sometimes drastic ones.  Barrowfield is a ghost town now, or rather a shadow burg. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Little Shrinky Dinks

Source:  Phantasm
Location:  Your local funeral home
Threat Assessment:  5.  Despite their small size they are very strong and attack in numbers and by surprise.
Limitation:  Probably insane.

Today's Secret Code:

What is the bounty on wisdom?  Can you collect on a dead idea?  Again:  What is the bounty on wisdom?  Can you collect on a dead idea?  Today's Colour is a posh pynk.  Today's Author has skipped a beat, dropped a beat, and ate some beets.  That is all Captain Beefheart, maho maho.

Saturday, October 27, 2012



Berserk is some old school anime that I enjoy. It's one of those shows that at the end of the episode will freeze frame and go from standard anime cel animation to a "dramatic" protrait of a character in mid snarl. Love it.

The story is one of those back and forth deals where we see the grizzled hero in the future then go into the past to see what made him such a bad ass. Said bad ass is named oddly enough "Guts." In the future he's armed with a fake hand/cannon, repeating crossbow, and a sword the size of a house. In the past he still has a sword at least the size of a bungalo but he's still young. He gets involved with a band of mercenaries called "The band of the hawk," who is commanded by Griffith who is one of those girlish bad asses you only see in anime. There's something of a triangle between Griffith, Guts, and the butch but sexy Casca. Obviously events will eventually lead to betrayal and other nasty stuff so the fun of the show is just watching things slowly unraveled.

The animation is not exceptional but professional enough and for some reason the English/Japanese songs tickle me. It is exceptionally violent but often in silly ways. It's the type of show where a sword fight can end with Guts grabbing the other guy's sword between his teeth. For fans of old school definitely fun to watch.

Things You Need To Know #279

The notorious "meat glue" used by some in the meat industry was originally invented by occultists who wanted to create chimeras. They had very few successes, and even fewer still exist, but if you want to see one go to Bald Doctor's Hill In Oregon. It can sometimes be seen flying in the moonlight. All seventeen wings a flapping.

Monster of the Day: Prophecy Bear

Source:  Prophecy
Location:  Maine woods
Threat Assessment:  7.  Giant, mutant bear.  Claws and teeth.
Limitation:  Animal intelligence, bow and arrows.

Today's Secret Code:

The first rule of ZZ is that there is no ZZ.  Go back to AA and try again.  Again:  The first rule of ZZ is that there is no ZZ.  Go back to AA and try again.  Today's Colour is a plastic, plasmatic plum.  Today's Author has it in hand.  That is all David Lo Pan, maho maho.

Dream Operator #32

We are sorry we cannot find your dream involving
the perfect love of your life
while waiting please enjoy
a dream of humiliating
public nudity
thank you

Because you need it....

Mockingbird Lane

Well this was a pilot that was a reboot of the old Munster's show.  Apparently NBC declined to pick it up and after watching it last night I could see why.  It was simply too good of a show to be regular fare. The production design, the cast, and the special effects were simply beyond NBC's desires to handle on a weekly basis.  Shame really, if I was NBC what I would do is go back the the NBC Mystery Movie layout and have shows like this staggered by other equally great shows.  Say do four Mockingbird Lanes a year, a follow up to Heroes maybe, or better yet the Cape.  Anyway give it some thought NBC.

As to the show itself its sort of a bright, fairy tale Gothic in look and feel.  The old Munster house is there but it is a brighter shade of black.  With rooms with tree limbs poking through so the crows can have their indoor play area.  The Munsters themselves are a lot more bright, no longer using cast off Universal horror make up.  If you saw them on the street you might say, "well he's a little strange...," but you'd shrug and move on.  It's only when you get talking to them do you realize that they are really really strange.

Grandpa is a certified vampire and unapologetic killer.  His entrance, where he came in a form of a seething sea of rats was marvelous.  Also, it's fun that like Professor Farnsworth Grandpa is not afraid to show off his ancient bones.  If left to his devices he'd turn the town into his slaves and have a "drink" or two every night.  He is an absolute monster and loves it.

The others in the family act as the conscience, specially herman who's a stitched together frankenstein type that literally has a problem with broken hearts.  He loves too much and sometimes unwisely.  That said, he's a nice guy and for a frankenstein type didn't look too bad at all.  His wife, Lily, was also quite the looker, but I can't get too excited by anyone who dresses by spider.  Gross.  Marilyn is of course the "normal" one, but by the way she hangs around Grandpa I believe she's more a monster in mind than what you first see.  Finally, there's Eddy who's having issues with growing body hair.  Not puberty, lycanthropy.  They are trying to keep it a secret but how many "baby bear" attacks can there be?  Oh, as a super bonus point the beginning had a big hello to that mutant bear film of the seventies "Prophecy."  Delicious.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Things You Need to Know #278

There are seven remarkable critters that reside in the House on Hayhill street.  They are fast friends and travelling adventurers, but they always return home.  There is the cat who sings opera.  The very small bear.  The raccoon twins.  The most cynical dog in the world.  A blue bird of moderate acceptance of reality, and the Spooze.

This was something you needed  to know.

Monster of the Day: Pontypool Words

Source:  Pontypool
Location:  Up north.
Threat Assessment:  8.  It could end humanity.  It's not a virus it is a plague of words that drives people mad.
Limitation:  Can be cured with mental will power and knowledge of language.

Today's Secret Code:

Burn the fire and drown  the water and you'll be truly wise.  Again:  Burn the fire and drown the water and you'll be truly wise.  Today's Colour is a calico plaid.  Today's Author is not wise, but can be a wise guy.  That is all Mr. Mister, maho maho.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Things You Need To Know #277

The Harbor Master's Beautiful Daughter is a ghost that haunts the Big Bay.  She floats over the water looking for people in danger of drowning and then ask them a question.  If the answer pleases her she will save them.  If not then they will drown three days and three nights before dying.  No one will answer what question she asks, a pretty riddle that.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Zelgadis Greywords

Source: Slayers
Location:  Nomadic
Threat Assessment:  8.  Part human, demon, and golem Zelgadis is a master of shamanistic magic.  He's also good with a sword.
Limitation:  not pretty and pretty asocial.

Today's Secret Code:

I am a leaf in the wind.  Again:  I am a leaf in the wind.  Today's Colour is a sassy frassy amber.  Today's Author is a gentleman astronaut.  That is all Major Tom Tom, maho maho.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Things You Need To Know #276

The people of Moorsville dream of a flood.  A flood that will take their town and all the land between Mody Hill and the banks of the wild 'Possum River.  They've been dreaming of that flood for the last fifty years and there is no drier place in Alabama.  But it is coming just the same.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Leech Woman

Source:   Puppet Master
Location:  Might be behind you
Threat Assessment:   2.  Throws up leeches on people.
Limitation:  Teeny and Tiny.

Today's Secret Code:

"I went to charm school but flunked out."  Again:  "I went to charm school but flunked out."  Today's Colour is a purple toad lily shade.  Today's Author went to town a courtin'.  That is all frong monger singer maho maho.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Lil' Devil

Lil' Devil is a top carnivore
despite it's small size

Sick and Dead

Wow, so far this season of "The Walking Dead" is a kicking ass and not even bothering to take names.  The old doc is minus a leg and our gang has to deal with ex cons who for some reason spent over 200 days in a prison cafeteria.  Yet they still think they are the bad asses.

So funny.

The true bad ass awards this episode goes to Carol who's practiciing her medical skill on zombies.  Next in line is the fast growing Carl who's taking out walkers on his own to find medicine and still get bitched out by mom.  Then there's our leader Rick who's finally gotten into the spirit of things and didn't get into a three episode discussion of the ethics of killing Smarty McPonytail and just takes him out with a machete at the first sign of his screwing around.

Definitely an improvement over last year's angst fest.

Things :You Need To Know #275

The bells of Saint Bernadeth are made with fairy copper.  They sound off into the world of fairies and deeper still.  Sometimes something will answer the call and sometimes a priest must fend off the magics of earlier ages.  But on the other hand, the bells do sound so lovely.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Tunneler

Source:  Puppet Master
Location:  Generally someplace small and hidden like under your bed right now.
Threat assessment:  4.  Ok.  Armed with a head drill.  But he's like 2 feet tall.  If he sneaks up on you expect some poking.
Limitation:  Smallll, s-m-all.  Short.  Miniscule.  Tiny. 

Today's Secret Code:

"There's no such thing as fighting dirty.  There's fighting to live or die."  Again:  "There's no such thing as fighting dirty.  There's fighting to live or die."  Today's Colour is a magical manilla vanilla.  Today's Author is innocent.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Things You Need To Know #274

The chimes produced by Wendy Willows are beautiful and make the most lovely music in the wind. So lovely that the winds often become enchanted by the melody. They will spend days making the chimes sing out. This sometimes is not a good thing if they are big and strong ones.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Rabid Dog

Source:  Cujo
Location:  Barnyard
Threat Assessment:  7.  Insane, huge dog.  'nuff said.
Limitation:  Will die soon, just not soon enough.

Today's Secret Code:

"I dream of sleeping but never dream of dreaming."  Again:  "I dream of sleeping but never dream of dreaming."  Today's Colour is a mysterious, mythical, magenta like mauve.  Today's Author would mercy for cup of coffee.  That is all Hopalong, maho maho.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Little Fleeder Wurm is the Most Educated of Worms

Cut apart one hundred times
each time taught the maze
it ate its brothers-sons
and grew smarter still
now it eats
for knowledge

Things You Need To know #273

The Online Knowsy Podium of Lost Names is a list of all lost names of angels. It's blank of course because the names have been lost. Some do say that sometimes the blank pages scroll with names, but rumors are the bread and butter of the internet.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Genio Innocuo

Source:  Grimm
Location:  Anywhere
Threat Assessment:  4.  A non-violent race of turtle like people.
Limitation:  Others can prey on them.

Today's Secret Code

Is a puzzle still a puzzle when the last piece is laid?  Again:  is a puzzle still a puzzle when the last piece is laid.  Today's Colour is a lighter shade of played out plain plaid worn by puzzled paladins.  Today's Author is reserved.  That is all Danny Boy maho maho.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Here's a lady with the halloween spirit

Things You Need To Know #272

The cats of Clurry Lane will suffer no dogs on their turf. They have sacrificed kittens to the dark secret goddess that only cats know the name. In her name they have made Clurry Lane cursed to all dogs and their owners.   The dogs will find themselves buried with their bones.  It's best not to ask what happens to the poor owners.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Damien

Source:  Omen
Location:  Preppy places
Threat Assessment:  9.  Antichrist.
Limitation:  Still a kid.

Today's Secret Code:

Pretheist believe that God hasn't existed yet.  Post-theist believe that God no longer exist.  Again:  Pretheist believe that God hasn't existed yet. Post-theist believe that God no longer exist.  Today's Colour is a Turkish Rose.   Today's Author is falling down again and again.  That is all Brother Toad, maho maho.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Y'an Yin Yip The Sky Dragon

Once the Celestial Censor
Y'an Yin Yip
is now in charge
of acid rainfall


Prometheus is a sort of maybe prequel to the Alien saga.  The creators hedged their bets and sort of made it somewhat of a reboot as well so that no one can really yell at them for not being slavish to the original series.  They could and did yell at them for asking questions and not answering them.  That doesn't bother me so much.  What bothers me is that it pretends to be an intelligent and thoughtful film but it has a crew vastly unable to face up to the dramatic challenge of the piece.

First the good news.  This is a beautiful film.  Even when it is on an ass ugly piece of rock, it is just shot so perfect that it carries an unearthly beauty.  The futuristic designs are beautiful and it's a good  thing this is something of a reboot because it would be hard to believe that the computers in "Alien" were suppose to be made after this, though to be fair maybe that's like saying a truck doesn't have the classic lines of a '56 Ford.  Something to think about.

So, a bunch of ancient civilizations have a picture of some dots.   Two ardent scientists figure that dots equal starmap equal invitation by aliens that obviously created us and not just came by for tea.  That is a LOT of assumptions to be the basis of a trillion dollar expedition.  I want to see these two write a grant!  Also, they assume that all languages come from one base and that base is what the aliens (called Engineers) speak and  that THEIR language hasn't changed at all in 35,000 years and that their handsome android can figure from our languages what this root tongue is, learn it and speak it like a pro.

Me?  I'd put stock in some rail guns and roses.  Only way to be sure.

So they find the rock get down and find that there is some weird installation there is black slime in a can.  Black slime is bad, really really bad.  It infects some people, makes little snakes that slide into people, give other people surprises, and just seems to do whatever the screen writers want to make you jump at that moment.  Now here is where the crew falls down.  First there are like three different agendas.  There is the ardent scientist camp that is there for pure science.  Then there is the merc crew of scientists and support personal who don't seem to give two damns and a fig.  Then there is the android wonderfully played by Michael Fassbender and the Suit in a dress played coldly by Charlize Theron who represent the company, the money and the madness behind the expedition.  Now those two I don't have a problem with since they dramatic purpose, but really for a trillion dollars, A TRILLION DOLLARS, expedition can't you find a better crew than apathetic pot smoking in their space suit idiots?  This isn't the equivalent of a space truck being waylaid by some beacon.  This was supposedly a PLANNED affair.  Maybe I wouldn't have minded so much if they were 10% more interesting as people but on the whole they are just blanks with props being manipulated by the screen writers. 

As to the Engineers.  Our example, isn't a stellar example of alien intelligence.  Actually in looks and actions he reminds me of the original carrot monster in "The Thing."  Maybe we should give a bit of lee way, I'm sure being  frozen for thousands of years can't be good for you or your attitude.  Still it says a lot that we root for the vagina squid over our supposed creators. 

Difinitely worth a watch and I'd love to see them do a sequel to address the question of the Engineer's relationship to the Predators.  That could be very interesting indeed.

Things You Need To Know #271

The Driest Rot only effects houses that had multiple murders.  It sneaks behind the walls eating and eating and eating.  What it truly wants though is tears.  If it can sneak upon a crying person it will drain them dry to very dust.  Houses affected by the Driest Rot are lonely quiet places.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Monster at the End of This Book

Source:  The Monster at the End of This Book
Location:  At the end of the book
Threat Assessment:  At first unknown.  Grover just knows  there is a monster and wants you to stop turning the pages.
Limitation:  The monster wasn't what Grover expected.

Today's Secret Code:

"Being in love is a lot like being drunk, Bukowski was both most of the time."  Again:   "Being in love is a lot like being drunk, Bukowski was both most of the time."  Today's Colour is a fast furious red because a red car is always faster than a blue car.  Today's Author asks, "What time is love?"  That is all bwana beast, maho maho.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Jack Makes Unwanted Advances

that's the trouble with pumpkin heads
the young ones are awfully fresh

Killjoy Goes to Hell

Well this was different.  I don't often say that but if there is one thing about Full Moon is sometimes they get a little crazy.  Not good mind you, but crazy can be almost good.  This is a million times better than the last Killjoy films.  Never heard of Killjoy?  Hah!  I am not surprised my amigos.  Let me edumacate yous blokes on the subject.

Empire pictures was created to go head to head against Roger Corman in the Drive In market.  The trouble was that video done did kill the drive in.  Bad timing perhaps, but Empire's emperor Charles Band dived head first into the direct to video market.  Changing the name from Empire to Full Moon he boldly promised to release at least one new film a month.

Unfortunately, he kept his word.

It wasn't all bad at first to be sure.  In fact, there were some definitely crazy weird things popping up like the first Puppet Master movie.  Unfortunately, he couldn't keep the creativity up for a one film a month schedule.  Also, as the years passed the returns on the films shrank like a shrinky dink in a furance.

The writing was on the wall, but Band was a dreamer and tried some end runs on fate.  One plan was to sublet into the "urban" (read black) market.  Thus was born Killjoy.  A third rate Freddy Krueger in a clown suit.  The films were cheap slasher films with a black cast set in generic places that might as well have been line drawings. 

Well now how things have changed.  In this version Killjoy is a true demon and is currently not possessing anyone.  The reason is because he's currently in demonic jail.  The reason is that Hell doesn't believe that Killjoy has it anymore.  He's become more joke than jokester.  They seem to have a strong case as his lawyer is incompentent (perhaps by design) and his witnesses are either mimes or can't be understood for all their colorful circus lingo.  Only his clown succubus girl friend seems to have the ability to help but she's still a little mad that he blew her up for a mortal girl.

One thing you can say about this film is that it does try to be different.  It also keeps moving avoiding the Full Moon Ennui that sometimes infects their films.  It almost makes up even for the other Killjoy films and by George that's saying something.

New Town #1: Peter Hammond, Detective

Hello, I am the Doll.  I am an interactive aid between the Newton and the rest of the world.  The Newton has asked me to relate some of the more interesting cases in our fine New Town.  The Newton hopes you find it both entertaining and educational about the conditions of many of the New Humans.

Peter Hammond was a fairly successful Private Detective and a very failed human when it came to marital affairs.  Before the Detonation he had left a wake of three divorces, four affairs, five children and one of those born out of wedlock.  It wasn't that Peter didn't love, but that he loved both unwisely and with all the concentration of a child with ADD given candy and red bull.

When the Detonation occurred Peter was one of those people who effectively no longer existed.  The universe had to quickly decide if his wives were married to anyone, if they had children and many other things that the universe seems to find highly annoying.  Peter himself was in a pocket universe and at that moment, which lasted five years, he was a rabbit.  He rather enjoyed that but had an aching suspicion he was something more, or perhaps less he couldn't decide.

The Newton brought Peter back, but even the Newton had limits.  Did Peter exist?  Did he not?  Was he human or rabbit?  Despite best efforts the universe decided in effect to split the difference.  When Peter Hammond came back it was in the form of a big blue humanoid rabbit.

New Town is not as stable as the Newton would like.  One section tends to attract those with are a little sad and bitter with how things have turned out.  Colors there are faded.  The music is sad, and the women are mysteries.  The people who live there call it the Breakers and it has more bars than any other part of town.  That is where Peter Hammond now lives.  In the Breakers, not in the bars . . . well not all the time.

He's still a detective.  He's still had three wives and five children.  But most humans won't hire a rabbit, and it's a little hard to be subtle when you are seven feet tall (counting ears) and blue.  His wives now have even less  to do with him, and won't let him see the children.  The courts will take years to decide if humanoid rabbits have any custody rights so maybe Peter has a right to be a little bitter.

It's not all bad though.  He can hear a snitch snitching at ten miles away with those big baby blue ears of his.  He's also fast on his feet and can leap up to ten feet straight up.  Also, if you value your internal organs don't let him kick you.  Also a big blue rabbit in a bar is absurd, but in a rather charming way.  People trust him, talk to him.  He knows a lot of New Town's little secrets and has lots of contacts.  He's even working on a Mrs. Hammond mark 4.

Maybe this time it will all work out.  The universe can be funny that way.