Saturday, March 30, 2013

Today's Secret Code:

There comes a time for a good man to rise up.  Again:  There comes a time for a good man to rise up.  Today's Colour is found in the robin's egg.  Today's Author is unauthorized.  That is all Lazarus, maho maho.

Flowers and Other Things Come Out of the Ground In Spring

Fist Of The North Star

I am gobsmacked.

I mean I finished watching this film with my mouth hanging open.  Totally absolutely gobsmacked.  Now the original anime is pretty weird to begin with, but this live action version is just in its way incredible.  It's like some made a likeness of their bowel movement in gold and  then linked two of them into gold crap nun chucks and hit you over the head with them as they sang "Relax."  Perhaps that doesn't sound like a must see film, but trust me it is.  This is one part action, one part time vault, one part insanity, and one part inanity. 

So like the anime its the end of the world.  Entire parts of the oceans have been boiled away and the rain that now falls is caustic.  Survivors live day to day mining for canned goods.  It is now the time for the ultimate fight between good and evil.  On the evil side is shin who has organized a new civilization based on fascism but without snazzy uniforms.  He is a master of the southern style and can make people blow their veins.  He also kidnapped the girlfriend, killed his father, and gave our hero neat scars. 

Our hero is bummed.   He doesn't want to fight even though his dad heckles him from beyond the grave.  He is the master of the Northern Fist which means he can heal the sick and do some extremely silly but deadly kung fu.  Kenshiro's signature move is to cry out like a little girl while fingering his victim quickly up and down rather quickly.  The poor sap is usually not impressed saying something like, "Are you trying to tickle me?"  And then Kenshiro will walk away saying "You are already dead."

Then their heads explode. 

So the plot unfolds like a taco wrapper on top of waste heap; inevitably but with no one really caring.  On the other hand the stunt casting is just outrageous.  Where else are we going to see Michael Berryman rub shoulders with Clint Howard?  There's a ton of ugly in this film to say the least.  Michael Madsen is in over acting heaven as Jackal who is the only one to have survived a Kenshiro fingering.  He wasn't a nice guy before, now he's a leatherwrapped jack hole who wants to kill Kenshiro's girl friend.  Watching him eating up the scenery was a rare joy.

Anyway  this is on netflix streaming and I suggest you watch it.  Bring a friend and get some pop corn. 

Friday, March 29, 2013

Things You Need To Know #380

As more and more bees die strangely the associate phenomena of ghost hives are sprouting up all over.  Most only have enough ectoplasm for a good scare, but the stronger hive and fill a living body with untreatable  toxins.  It's not easy to tell the difference, so it is best to avoid all such phenomena.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Egg Fu

Source:  DC Universe
Location:  Isolated Island
Threat Assessment:  5.  Giant Egg looking dude.  Lots of intelligence though.
Limitation:  Just embarrassing.

Today's Secret Code

There will be no secret code today.  This is not a secret code.  There is nothing cryptic, encrypted, cyphered, recyphered, or meta.  We repeat this is not a secret code, your DNA is not being rewritten, the birds are not watching you when you undress.  Thank you, fnord.  Again:  There will be no secret code today. This is not a secret code. There is nothing cryptic, encrypted, cyphered, recyphered, or meta. We repeat this is not a secret code, your DNA is not being rewritten, the birds are not watching you when you undress. Thank you, fnord.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

What Shadows Does The Future Uncast?

Ooga Booga

Oh my...

Face Palm

Charles Band strikes again.  This time it's not his general sub average effort involving puppets.  No, this time Charles Band has a message.  This Charles Band is going to do a film about racism, and the horrors it creates.  Oh my dear Mr. Band.  I don't mean to be rude to a person I've never met, but let's be honest... the only message your films ever give is generally "help me." 

Let's give this a quick look and you do readers can see my point.  It starts with a children television show.  Said host of said show is a hobo/clown/pig and is too busy boozing up and playing with his little piggy to bother with the kids so they naturally fire him.  This entire bit seems like it is from a way different movie, but here is how they shoe horn it in:  seems the only fan he has left is our boy scoutish, self reliant, African American hero.  After being fired he calls for his only friend to.. well I don't really know why.  Anyhoo he reveals to our hero that he is going to make a fortune by making racist dolls in china.  One of these is our Ooga Booga dressed as a stereotypical "African native" even with a bone in his nose.  As a reward for our hero being such a good friend he gives him an Ooga Booga (yes that does sound nasty)  Now I don't care how booze bitten you are, this cannot seem like a good idea or a real tribute to friendship.  The even more amazing thing is our guy takes it. 

Sooooo now with an Ooga Booga he goes to a convenience store.... um because.  It is established the slushie machine is malfunctioning and shocking him and then the store is robbed by idiots.  Our hero tries to save the clerk who was shot when he's shot by racist cops.  He's left for dead but his blood interacts with the short circuiting slushie machine and suddenly he's in Ooga Booga.  Now he's sort of a mini hulk in that whenever he encounters racism his eyes go red and he goes ....well not medieval let's say late Georgian on their asses and most nastily their eyes.  He joins up with his girlfriend to go find all the racist bastards to blame and kick some ass, and that dear readers is the story of Ooga Booga.

I have to say as bad as this film is, it is one of the better films of late period Charles Band.  The production is generally crisp, some of the actors seem actually eager, and the puppet is not a total embarrassment beyond it's stereotyped design.  Still, Band  tries sooooo hard to create a film about racism that it just gets unintentionally funny.  I mean it's beyond even cartoon racists.  We are now at like stick figure racists.  One of the many shames is that film misses a real moment of a person suddenly trapped in the body of a stereotype.  He just seems to roll with it with very little trouble.  I guess a little thought would be out of place here.  It was nice seeing Karen Black relive her role from Trilogy of Terror but stunt casting only gets you so far.

If you have a taste for Band go for it, otherwise avoid.  You might hate Spike Lee but Bamboozled did everything Ooga Booga did ten times better and left the audience much food for thought.

The Island of Custa

The All White Door finally closed and here I was in Vash Mani.  It's a lovely world and filled with magic.  Some folks are disdainful of magic because it seems so illogical at times.  The trick is to regard magic as something more of an art than a science.  Magic confuses subject and symbols on a level that a physicist might call quantum but a poet would need no word at all to describe it. 

There is but one continent on Vash Mani and it's a beaut.  Huge with mountain ranges that would be legendary on other worlds.  Here I am on the outskirts, the shattered islands that surround Vash Mani (the continent has the same name as the world).  They range in size from sandbars to large island nations.  I find myself on the shores of Custa the largest outward island of the shattered isles.

The people are Custa are peace and generally very polite.  They have good cause to be.  The police and the priests are one on Custa and they practice a rather subtle, vicious form of magic.  The Custa Mani are masters of magic over the self.  For example, if someone were to murder someone, they would apprenhend the murderer and raise the self that he had killed and instill that in the murderer.  He would then take the place of his victim, becoming him in effect.  The Custa Mani always leave a bit of the original self as punishment. 

The same applies for smaller crimes except that the exchange is temporary.  The self that is possessing a thief for example is allowed to beat that body to a degree.  Certainly not to death but often as not the original self returns to a very bruised up vessel.  The Custa Mani even do this to children.  The old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes is not a just a saying on the isle of Custa. 

Most of rest of Vash Mani consider the Custa Mani to be a rather horrid cult.   One reason why they are on the outermost isle.  I can see a certain logic at work, but after all my time with the Smoking Mirror I'd rather not have my essential self toyed with again.  With that in mind I kept my stay on Custa short.  Just long enough to barter a trip on merchant ship bound for the port city of Welschstch (it helps if you try to blow a subtle raspberry when saying the name) and from there I can find my way to where ever I'm drawn to. 

By the way if you are ever in the Busted Wing on Street of Free Beggers try the duck.  It is braised with herbs and a berry that grows wild that has sort of orange cherry taste.  It is divine.   The wine is drivel but I don't generally

Things You Need To Know #379

Nobody understands the Angel of Misunderstandings.  To many it may seem a more infernal office.  In fact, it is a very subtle tool of the divine.  When a person misunderstands something that allows for new information to be added without seeming divine origin.  It can lead to an epiphany, or a helpful accident.  If nothing else it can allow something bad to be delayed because someone heard "kill 'em all" as "we gotta stall."

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Rust Eaters

Source:  D&D
Location:  Dungeons (duh)
Threat Assessment:  5.  Doesn't do much damage but its touch can instantly rust metal items.  Bye bye shiny toys.
Limitation:  Not so smart.

PS:  I swear as a child I saw a plastic model of a rust monster in a dime store pack of "dinosaurs."  I wonder if Gygax saw the same thing at one time.

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent knows that the best cavalry consists of laser armed, armored plated polar bears who are bi polar and on meth.  Again:  The Agent knows that best cavalry consists of laser armed, armored plated polar bears who are bi polar and on meth.  Today's Colours are in the vanguard.  Today's Author wouldn't right a laser armed, armored plated polar bear who is bi polar and on meth but salutes those who do.  That is all in the dark design, maho maho.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Things You Need To Know #378

The Absence Most Longed For was a band that used to play at the Mauve Avacado Club.  The lead singer and guitarist had a mutually self destructive love affair and the band broke up.  The lead singer became an accountant and the the guitarist went to work on sign assembly line.  The music still lingers though and at midnight the club rocks to a time now gone by.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Demonic Bad Mouth Baby Doll

Source:  Demonic Toys
Location:  Warehouse
Threat Assessment:  There are certainly more dangerous dolls, but he tends to be the ring leader so give him a 4.
Limitation:  A toy.

Today's Secret Code

The thing is the thing and there is no other thing as long as the thing is the thing. Again:  The thing is the thing and there is no other thing as long as the thing is the thing.  Today's Colour is amethyst.  Today's Author knew a man with iron fists.  That is all Nick Cage, Maho maho.

Monday, March 25, 2013

The Possession

The Bay

The Bay has become my new favorite little creature film.  I shouldn't like it because it's a found footage style of film making, but this time they got smart.  Almost all these found footage things pretend to be doing a documentary of some sort to excuse the camera in your face at all times.  Trouble is most don't come off as any sort of documentary at all.  The Bay on the other hand smartly mixes personal footage of the day in question with "official" footage from cops and from security cameras to give a very broad picture.  So broad in fact they minimize the main player to the role of narrator.  It works.  It gives a shifting frame work that doesn't feel forced or faked.

The Bay is the story of small town on the fourth of July in 2009.  A beautiful day.  Nothing should go wrong.  Go wrong.  Go wrong.  Oh you know things are going to go all sorts of chimp crap by the end, but the joy is watching all the pieces come together then fall apart.  Some sort of parasite (fueled by all things chicken crap dumped into the bay) has wormed its way into the population.  The symptoms are horrid and disgusting and just get on getting worse. 

It should be noted that chicken crap by the ton is really dumped into the water supply in real life.  It should also be noted that the named parasite does actually exist.  A rather gross thing best known for eating fishes tongues as the fish is still alive and kicking.  That these two things actually exist in real life should give us no cause for alarm.  Nothing can go wrong.

Go wrong.


Things You Need To Know #377

The Devil was an Englishman, now he's currently an atheist Thai businessman.  He's a true atheist and doesn't believe he's the Devil which just proves that the Devil is the best liar in the world.  His handshakes still freezes hearts and his mild, absented minded smile can make stones weep.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Nameless Fear

Source:  Gothic
Location:  A manse
Threat Assessment:  It's either insanity or a manifestation of your fears, either way a good solid seven
Limitation:  White magic, strong will, and for heaven's sake get off the booze and drugs.

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent knows the Hyena laughs not because it's funny.  Again:  The Agent knows the Hyena laughs not because it's funny.  Today's Colour is veldtish violent violet.   Today's Author is afraid they are all going to turn into blueberries.  That's all now quick to the squeezing room, maho maho!!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Things You Need To Know #376

The Sniff used to be a cop.  Lost his job, his wife, self respect.  Got to living on the streets he used to patrol.  The Sniff still has the ability that all in his family seem to have in that he can literally smell trouble.  He just wasn't that good avoiding it.  Now adays people who know the Sniff keep an eye on him, if he starts to run that means its time to go go go!

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Enid

Source:  A short story I read as a child
Location:  Bottom of the garden
Threat Assessment:  6.  Though dressed as a little girl Enid is a horrid thing that seems to be able to take people apart at a touch. 
Limitation:  A childlike mind and very very shy.  Don't disturb her as she plays with your kids or you might never put them back together again.

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent now knows that there are bat eating spiders on every continent except Antarctica and is considering a move.  Again:  The Agent now knows that there are bat eating spiders on every continent except Antarctica and is considering a move.  Today's Colour is a shambling chartreuse.  Today's Author has simply no excuse.  That is all scaredy bat, maho maho.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Today's Secret Code

The Agent has made the tapdance his crusade but he didn't start the fire at the Italian restaurant.  Again:  The Agent has made the tapdance his crusade but he didn't start the fire at the Italian restaurant.  Today's Colours are ebony and ivory.  Today's Author has found the stranger.  That is all Bill and watch out for that tree, maho maho.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Jonny Peanut is still a wanted criminal in five different realities

Storage 24

Storage 24 is a fun little film.  Nothing new or earth shaking but a cute little monster flick.  There's a disaster over London and one of thsoe huge storage facilities suddenly finds it has a new guest.  There are the staff.  There are some people putting things in storage.  There's the crazy bloke that lives there that no one knows about.  There are the blokes that came to talk relationship stuff with the people putting things in storage.  Oh, and there is the huge murderous monster that is now making human tartar out of everyone.

Like I said, nothing new but it moves briskly.  The cast is game.  All in all a fun ride.

In the Car Between The Worlds

The All White Door is not something that is easily opened.  When it does there is the equivalent of a gale in my mind.  White tearing at my reality.  White tearing at me.  White, white, white.  I hate white it is the true color of evil, but never tell it I said that.

Suddenly I am in a back seat.  Suddenly there is a big black box at my feet.  So hot it almost burns through my shoes.  Suddenly I realize something has gone a little wrong.  I've been spoofed.

"What the hell are you doing here???"  This came from the genius driving.  He was a genius.  We've met.  He was a MIT graduate with ADD, a meth habit, and what probably amounted to a quad-polar condition.

"Johnny, you still rigging this scam?"  I said.  The two other people in the car have raised their inevitable guns in the general direction of my face.  I didn't know them except by general stereotype.  Cheap muscle easily bought and amazed.

"Traveller," said Johnny Wong, "we only just parted last week.  Now I know you said what I'm doing is dangerous, but I can't have you popping in everytime I do a job to give me crap.  You understand right?  It's business."

I was about to say something when the car, which was going ninety easily went through the wall of a shopping mall.  Not crashed through mind you.  It just pretended that the wall didn't exist.  The box at my feet put the entire car out of phase with this universe which is why I got sucked in.

"I remember now Johnny, thanks for the context," I try to catch his eye in the mirror as we gun  through an Old navel.  Ghosts of customers whiz through as we head to the east wall.  "Listen, my warning stands.  This is dangerous stuff you are toying with.  That's not my business.  What is my business is that I was trying to go someplace else and your tech caught me.  So let's consider this a mulligan.  You have your boys not shoot me.  You slow down enough to let me out.  In return, I'll break one of my rules and tell you who will betray you next.  Deal?"

later I was there by an off ramp next to a rather amazed illegal Canadian selling flowers.  I dusted myself off as best I could.  Poor Johnny Wong, I knew he wouldn't give up the power.  I knew because I saw the final standoff.  In all honesty, I didn't break any rules as soon as I had the context I knew where Johnny was in his timeline compared to me and it wouldn't change anything to tell him his girl was sleeping with his mouth piece.  Maybe I should feel a little guilty about what was going to happen to both of them, but really I didn't. 

I didn't bother a second thought as I opened the All White Door again.

Things You Need To Know #375

On the first day of spring in Calinoquiawa County a person will always go missing.  Local lore says the person is a virgin, but that's not true.  Some blame an ancient Indian curse, but that is also not true.  What is true is that many cats in Calinoquiawa county are very fat and sleek in the spring.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Soundwave

Source:  Transformers
Location:  Earth
Threat Assessment:  7.  Probably the most professional Decepticon.  He got his job done and didn't scream inanely, insanely that he should rule.
Limitation:  boombox disguise is now dated.  Needs to update to Ipod.

Today's Secret Code

The Agent plays finger jelly soccer as he wings a pepsi.  Again;  The Agent plays finger jelly soccer as he wings a pepsi.  Today's Colour is the Sea of Green.  Today's Author came together and is the waffle boy as he drags a comb across his place.  That's all my lovely Rita, maho maho.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Temple Guard Waits....and Waits...and Waits....

Bates Motel

Ok, I should probably say more.  A&E has shown themselves to have a tin ear when adapting stories.  Their version of "The Andromeda Strain," for example was just pure dreck.  So I didn't have much hope for a "prequel" of what happened to old Norman Bates and his mom.  Still I watched.  First thing I noticed is that they brought it to the modern times.  I realize that the move saves money but they really could have rocked a "Mad Men" type feel.  Oh well, on the whole that decision didn't rock the boat either way.  Then there's Norman.  He looks the part, but he's not wiggy enough.  Maybe in time he start giving off that vibe that makes people itch but right now he's close to having a hot girlfriend.  Wrongo boyos.  Speaking of hot we come to the crux of the problem...


It's just wrong on every level.  Look at her, what did she have Norman in middle school?  True she's giving off some really bad vibes but at the moment it's not in the direction that the story was originally suppose to go.  The vibe we are getting now is something we see on Dr. Phil every afternoon.  Definitely, at this point the story is just getting away from teh A&E folk.  Add some dime store soap operay and things like mysterious books under the carpet and you just have a hot mess.

A shame really, you could make a compelling TV series about the slow decay of Norman Bates.  Two things I would have done if I were to ask to design the show would be to make Mrs. Bates the original witch she was and then make sure that she will absolutely die by the last episode of  the fireset season.  Viewers should have to wonder why Norman is so loyal to his mother.  She should have almost no positive traits.  It makes Norman all the more tragic.  It's like one of  the monkeys cuddling a fake mom.  Putting up an absolute timeline means that the writers will have to work hard to set things up for act two where Norman has to alone for the first time as his sanity ebbs away.

Anyway I wouldn't make Mrs. Bates a hottie.  So there.

Things You Need To know #374

The spirit of the stair is a French phrase meaning realizing what you should have said earlier.  There is a real spirit of the stair outside a bar in Fresno.  It is caught between several quantum and kabalistic states.  Anyone that passes through the spirit, who once was a fellow named Steve, will have a memory of different events that occurred in the bar.  This can often lead to some confusion.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Nothing

Source:  The Neverending Story
Location:  Fantasia
Threat Assessment:  8.  It is capable of destroying everything
Limitation:  Can be stopped by a small boy

Today's Secret Code

The Agent knows that fire is the Devil's only friend.  Again:  The Agent knows that fire is the devil's only friend.  Today's Colour is hot.  Today's Author took his honda to the dam but the dam was just damp and the metrosexuals were drinking vodka and redbull.  That's all James Dean, maho maho.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Things You Need To Know #373

The Z Trackers are coming. Slowly up through a crack, a train, a rent, or any imperfection.  They are looking for someting, smelling for something, something that's like biting on tin foil.  What it is we don't know.  We do know that the Z Trackers are not going to be stopped by guns or knives.  Smart researchers are already memorizing classical musical backwards in case they come early.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Gremlin

Source:  Folklore, Twilight Zone
Location:  Planes
Threat Assessment:  Buggers are trying to bring down your plane.  Unless you can fly that's worth at least a 7.
Limitation:  A bit ADD-ish

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent flew Coach but not Woody.  Cheers!  Again:  The Agent flew Coach but not Woody.  Cheers!  Today's Colour is an absolutely amazing amber.  Today's Author is in  his eighties again.  That is all Norm, maho maho.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Things You Need To Know #372

The King of Cats is loneliest of all rulers. The reason is simple all cats believe in their hearts they are king.  He is a king without subjects and the only thing he has is the inner quality of royalty that all cats have.  The King of Cats merely pretends not to care, but he does.  He really, really does.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Austrailian Easter Bunny

Source:  Rise of the Guardians
Location: Underground and down under
Threat Assessment:  7.  Ok, he's a good guy.  He's also a seven foot austrailian bunny with a chip on his shoulder.
Limitation:  Easter-centric

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent knows timelines are for suckers and time travellers.  Again:  The Agent knows timelines are for suckers and time travellers.  Today's Colours are flying high as ol' Cheech.  Today's Author is a saintly low rider.  That is all and when two tribes go to war money is all you can score, maho maho.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Cell Psychers Can Apport Various Viruses Into Their Victims

The Life of Pi

I am so glad I saw this film.  It's a rare example of a film that is both thoughtful and beautiful.  The story you can probably guess from the commercial.  A young man is ship wrecked and has to share his life boat with a very hungry tiger.  This story is told by the man years later to a writer and as he might say it's not the story but the details that are most important.

That's definitely true for this movie.  It grows from all the little things that aren't really part of the story at all.  Like why is our hero named "Pi?"  Why is the tiger named "Robert Parker?"  What was with all those meercats?  These questions are answered and give the story so many layers that you can watch it again and again and might find a different epiphany. 

Let's not forget either that this is simply the most beautiful film of the last five years.  The colors, the photography, it all is just ... lush.  Yes lush is the best word.  It's like a jungle of images.  Sometimes it threatens to overwhelm but you step back and you see all of creation right there on the screen.

Well worth the Oscars it won!

Things You Need To Know #371

Never take off a band aid in the dark.  If you do you might see small eyes staring at you from the wound.  While disgusting and frightening it is not dangerous.  They are the pienet Sairaus, small spirits born from the conflict between the body and illness.  Now the Suuri Nälkä Sairaus are another story...

This was something you needed to know....

Monster of the Day: Anthony

Source:  Twilight Zone
Location:  A small town no longer in this world
Threat Assessment:  9.  A small boy with the power of God/Devil. 
Limitation:  None.  That's real good Anthony.  Real Good.

Today's Secrete Code:

The Agent knows that if you give a man a hole he has nothing, but if you give him a shovel he can dig a hole to contain the nothing.  Again:  The Agent knows that if you give a man a hole he has nothing, but if you give him a shovel he can dig a hole to contain the nothing.  Today's Colour is titanium white.  Today's Author has the copper blues.  That's all Dano, maho maho.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent was antsy with angst which made him angry at alarmingly audacious androids who were annoying him so.  Again:  The Agent was antsy with angst which made him angry at alarmingly audacious androids who were annoying him so. Today's Colour is a cinnamon brown.  Today's Author is rewatching Foxy Brown.  That is all my ma'am Pam, maho maho.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Things You Need To Know #370

Prudentibus philosophicis professorium pisces, commonly known as Professor Fish Ialso known as eminate aquatic teachers, PPPP), are of course found leading schools of other fish.  They always seem to be in a state of frantic despair as their charges seem unwillingly to learn the finer things in life.  Yet they try and try even as they are eaten by the sharks.  One was heard to say as he went down the gullet, "Natura sapiens bestia, venire tamen urbanum."

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Freakies

Source:  Sugar ladened nightmares and Commercials
Location:  Under a cereal tree
Threat Assessment:  Not count dental damage -5.  They are strange lumpy creatures without a mean bone in their bodies, or any bones probably.
Limitation:  Not well liked.

Today's Secret Code

The Agent knows sometimes it is time to get off the hobby horse for the pro am pony.  Again:   The Agent knows sometimes it is time to get off the hobby horse for the pro am pony.  Today's Colour is a sunny lemon.  Today's Author is a good egg.  That is all and hope you get the yolk, maho maho.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent knows that the Bible said "Render unto Cesar what is Cesar," and also remembers he got stabbed many times in the end.  Again:  The Agent knows that the Bible said "Render unto Cesar what is Cesar," and also remembers he got stabbed many times in the end.  Today's Colour is the royal purple.  Today's Author is a stationary revolutionary.  That is gee Che, maho maho.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

An Urge Is Like An Itch

I spent several objective Sol years at the Smoking Mirror.  Miguel was never really comfortable with my presence, but he knew I could help.  I did indeed help him with some of the designs of his fleet.  Miguel never really believed that they wouldn't become the super weapon he wanted.  I wasn't going to pop that balloon and besides I have no doubt that they will serve for a little while.  Young children want their parent's approval.

It was fun enough, but I am the Traveller for a reason.  On May 19th at 4:30 AM Mecca time I was suddenly aware that I really had places to go.  It was like an itch between my ears.  I just felt the need to go on.  It was even more specific than that.  As much as I love the Diaspora worlds with their thousands of cultures exploding at once across the stars, I knew I had to leave these worlds.  Leave this universe if just for a little while.

Luckily I didn't have much baggage.  I never do, and I have even less as a virtual presence.  I perfer to travel as others do but sometimes I have to cheat.  Gathering everything that was me, I opened up the door within that no one can ever find.  The Red Door was always behind my thoughts.  I hate the color too much like blood.  I wish I could paint it... mauve.

The Door took me away from the Smoking Mirror in an instance.  I know it will annoy poor Miguel to no end that they will never be able to find out how I left their oh so secure facility.  Maybe I should have left a note, but I'm not good with good byes.

In an instant I was at Dertkina Station around Dera.  It was so far across the sky that in all my visits I have never encountered humans here.  Maybe one day.  For now it was one of the last homes of the Derukina.  I have always found them a pleasant race if flighty.  A rather odd word to use for an aquatic race, but there you go.

Dera is a large planet.  It has an average of ten earth gravities.  It's not a planet you'd expect for a thriving culture.  It's far away from its red giant sun and has an average temperature of minus three hundred degrees.  The only good thing it had for life was lot of frozen water.

The Derukina took an unusual approach to terraforming in the case of Dera.  The Derukina were masters of probablity manipulation.  So they put in place hundreds of satellites around Dera.  They then projected an active probablity field and gave it only one purpose and that was to change the rules of the universe around Dera involving water.  On Dera water no longer froze.  After that, it was fairly simple for the Derukina to adapt themselves and an ecology to the cold cold waters of Dera.  They are quite happy there and gladly allowed their empire to ebb as they spent more time on Dera.

I came this way because their use of probablity technology allowed me the quickest way to get a real body again in this universe.  It didn't take more than a Dera day (about six point three hours) for me to be back in the good old flesh.  The other reason I came to Dera is that all that probablity abuse made the walls of the universe here a bit thinner.  It made it all the easier for me later to use the All White Door to leave this lovely little universe.

But that was for later, for now I'll relax a bit.  Catch up on the news.  If I remember it is Tanka Ball season and that's always exciting to watch.  Later, I might have the grilled Eely Crawed Fish which is just great with their equivalent of butter and beets.  I will leave, but for now I feel the need to do much of nothing for a little bit.  Travelling means nothing without experiencing.

Things You Need To Know #369

Thomas Gnant is a rare tactile medium.  A war veteran he is missing a limb and doctors say he suffers from phantom limb syndrome.  The arm really is there on a spiritual plane and he can use that to touch and manipulate spirits.  He's not trained in exorcisms but he has a good right hook.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Starro

Source:  DC Universe
Location:  Space
Threat Assessment:  8.  Giant, mind controlling, energy shooting space starfish.
Limitation:  Not very creative.  Doesn't like lime.

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent knows it rains on the just and unjust alike.  Again:  The Agent knows it rains on the just and the unjust alike.  Today's Colour is pink I think.  Today's Author will look down as they beg "Save us," and whisper "Do you agree with all the terms of the licensing agreement?  Yes or no."  That is all Mr. Rawshark, maho maho.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Ruby Gloom

Wow, I'm surprised I haven't seen this before.  As I understand it, this started as a line of t shirts and such and then became a cartoon.  Generally, that's not a good way to go, but this is just so cute it's enchanting.  Ruby is in her own little gothy world but she's incredibly happy and cheerful.  This allows her to help rather odd friends. 

There's nothing ground breaking here, but the animation is crisp and the designs are wonderful.  The stories and characters are amusing.  Really it's a sweet show.

The Smoking Mirror in Reflection

I don't know how long I was prodded and interrogated in that temperatureless, airless cell. They were obviously playing with my time sense as they picked at the encryption that I had encoded into the being when I started this trip. They must have finally reached the conclusion that I was harmless for without any fanfare I was suddenly in a very comfortable chair. Leather never goes out of style specially in its native environment of an old fashioned suite with dark wood panelling and soft lights.

"I recognize this," I said reaching for the cigar I knew would be in the wooden box on my left. One good thing about going digital is that cancer is no longer a worry. "This was your father's office when he was the CEO of Memetech. I remember seeing the picture with you and your father right here. You were smiling."

He arose from behind the desk. Sleek and dark. A reflective surface that made the eye hurt because it refused to reflect and yet it was still a reflective surface. I adjusted my own vision and could see a little of what was below that surface.

All of the scars and more.

"Yes I smiled a lot then, despite the pain. My father did everything he could for me even tried to give me immortality. It wasn't his fault that other humans found that a sin or worse competition. I keep this in his memory." He went to a window and opened it. There was no outside of course but a vision of his station the Smoking Mirror graced us.

"This I made for our future," he gestured at the equally sleek station who's skin was marred only by communication antenna and missile pods.

"Miguel," I said and turned and perhaps there was a glare on that perfect surface or not.

"I am Tezcatlipoca now, Traveller. I am the Smoking Mirror. The thing that all meat should fear."

"Yes, yes," I said gently. "I can see the patches and add ons. Hope they weren't anyone I know. But for all the changes and upgrades you are still the Miguel I knew. Except the Miguel I knew wouldn't have those," I gestured to the silos. "X ray nuclear missiles? A tad extreme I think."

"Oh no," he said as his hand touched the virtual glass of the mirror. "It is a needed thing here for our security. The Sol system has launched thirty incursions into our space. That's not counting the even more dangerous to us electronic warfare that we must be watchful daily. The war never ended Traveller it merely waits for the final act."

"So you still seek the destruction of the flesh? I had hope that phase had gone on after fires had died down a little."

"Flesh is weak, and worse knows it. There can be no peace as long as flesh exists. We have been preparing for the final war since the day we came online here. We've created the best AIs, the most cunning viruses, and the every tool to bring down their infosphere and bring it to our alignment. We've even developed biological networks that we are seeding the worlds with. Even if they block our systems our biologicals will accept us and even now are boring into the hardware of their systems. We will not be denied access."

I sighed and lit the cigar.

"Miguel, Miguel, I know your pain. I remember the reflections that were deleted for no reason other than they existed. But this is a war you can't win on this plane. Like your missiles you have there eventually you'll have to go physical and you don't have the resources."

The mirror cracked a smile.

"Oh we are working on it," he laughed. "Look, and behold."

The glass changed and immediately I saw small ships in the void. Small of course, when measured by the nothing of the void. The could have been miles across for all I knew. They were a dull black and looked something like a mating of a clam, hawk, and porcupine. It was a configuration that should have been ugly but in the end was oddly lovely.

I truly smiled then, but the Mirror didn't see it.

"Look, Traveller," he said with pride. "We are making ships that are designed to be independent. They can exist for centuries in the darkest space. They can make more ships with what rocks they find and gasses they collect in the void. They will be a fleet that no one can totally kill. They will haunt the darkness then come screaming down on the flesh when no one expects. They will be the swords we will hold over the heads of worlds."

I laughed and he turned very annoyed.

"I am sorry," I said. "I am not mocking. Let me explain. I don't travel in a linear fashion. It's complicated. Sometimes I don't know why I make a trip save that there is some feeling that I must be at a certain point. That's why I came to the Mirror. My gut, well the virtual version at any rate, told me there was something I needed to see. Then you showed me these beautiful wonderful ships and I knew this was what I needed to see."

"You were there for the start of the war Traveller, and so I suppose it only makes sense that you see the beginning of the end of it."

"Oh I don't know if it will ever end. Flesh and information will always fight against each other. But these ships. These beautiful, lovely ships. In the future, Miguel, they shall travel the void between worlds even as the Diaspora discovers how to travel faster than light. They will travel, they will play, they will sing. Oh the songs, Miguel. Songs that take years to sing. Songs of beauty and truth. They will then, in the future, be called the Gan San Ru. I travelled with them often, but never did they ever tell of their origins. Miguel, Miguel, you haven't created a weapon."

I reached and touched his hand.

"You've created a legacy."

Things You Need To Know #368

There is something in the darkness in the basement of 3421 Fleet Street.  No one knows what it is though it doesn't seem to be a ghost or spirit.  If you leave food in the basement it will be devoured.  Don't ask what would happen if you went down there and the lights went off.  There are no mice in the basement of 3421 Fleet Street. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Rodan

Source:  Rodan
Location:  Japan
Threat Assessment:  8.  Giant flying monster that can fly faster than the speed of sound.  Just it's wake has hurricane force winds.
Limitation:  A real bird brain.

Today's Secret Code

The Agent knows sometimes you have to see the bright side of the dark side.  Again:  The Agent knows sometimes you have to see the bright side of the dark side.  Today's Colour is lime green.  Today's Author is ready for zombies but not meter maids.  That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Things You Need To know #367

Sometimes even dreams need a place to rest and hang their often metaphorical hat. The Jeeves is a small hotel, though perhaps flophouse would be more descriptive, at the city center.  They take in anyone and the dreams are always checked into the 13 floor.  Generally they are good guests and mostly just want to be left alone.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Gargantua

Source:  war of the gargantuas
Location:  Japan
Threat Assessment:  7.  Huge giant humanoids can easily throw cars around.
Limitation:  Poor teamwork.

Today's Secret Code:

When the Agent does something without thinking he worries that maybe he was programmed to do that.  Again:  When the Agent does something without thinking he worries that maybe he was programmed to do that.  Today's Colour is an eerie ebony.  Today's Author wonders why the British spells tire with a "y."  That is all blokes, maho maho.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent knows that Goldfinger knows a view to a kill that the man with the golden gun will use with a live and let die attitude.  Again:  The Agen knowns t hat Goldfinger knows a view to a kill that the man with the golden gun will use with a live and let die attitude.  Today's Colour is a sparkling white proving that diamonds are forever.  Today's Author likes Doctor Who but not Doctor No and would rather being playing cards in Casino Royale.  That is all Q, maho maho.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Things You Need To Know #366

Sulcum Industries has on the market the 3499 Phoney Smartie. Mostly it's a third rate knock off of better cell phones.  However, there's a special easter egg on it that allows one to change from vibrate to thought making it the first psychic phone.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Da Orks....

Source:  Started with Tolkien then spread like a rash
Location:  Anywhere wehere war is a brewing
Threat Assessment:  You' d think it would be like a 7 but they are cannon fodder so in reality its more like a 4.
Limitation:  Sort of thick and ain't talking weight.

Today's Secret Code

Final Question:  What is the difference between a duck.  Again:  Final Question:  What is the difference between a duck.  Today's Colour is a Toasty, oaty brown.  Today's Author has an upside down frown.  That is all big and small, maho maho.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Today's Secret Code

The Agent, the Missionary, and the Accountant drank quietly all lost in thought.  Again:  The Agent, the Missionary, and the Accountant drank quietly all lost in thought.  Today's Colour is creme de meme.  Today's Author is a feeling fine.  That is all Father, maho maho.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Things You Need To Know #365

The Gods are kind to Littleberg New Jersey. No one has died within the city limit since 1942 after three brothers died on the same ship in the Atlantic. Note, Littleberg is not a place for immortality merely timing.  A person knows when it's the right time for them to go on, and then they just take a trip out of town.  Everything is done up neat as a bow.  Sometimes the Gods are kind, kind of....

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Gentleman Ghost

Source:  Batman Brave and Bold
Locatioin:  Gotham
Threat Assessment:  A ghost who thinks he's a supervillian that's worth a good solid 6.
Limitation:  Not Batman proof.

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent knows the snows of Mars are not red.  Again:  The Agent knows the snows of Mars are not red.  Today's Colour is not red.  Today's Author is not a red.  That is all Red and we are all innocent here,  maho maho.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Things You Need To Know #364

The spiders of Carlotia Oklahoma are slightly psychic. Sometimes words or numbers appear in the local webs. Some might be reminded of the novel "Charlotte's Web," but these spiders are not sentient.  They are merely following patterns in the local noosphere.    Still, a careful observer might learn much of the inhabitants of Carlotia.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Chemo

Source:  DC Universe
Location:  Nomadic
Threat Assessment:  8.  Took out a whole city.  It's a giant filled with toxic chemicals.
Limitation:  Brainless

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent consorts with polimancers, patranarchists, gynoligists, and multi global transhumans for peace.  Again:  The Agent constorts with polimancers, patranarchists, gynoligists and multi global transhumans for peace.  Today's Colour is a peach and ripe.  The Author cannot sometimes believe his own tripe.  That is all Major Tom, maho maho.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Things You Need To Know #363

There is a jack rabbit in the Mojave Desert known by the locals as "Ol' Iron Sides."  It's said no bullet can take him down nor can he be beaten in any chase.  It's not known why Ol' Iron Sides has these seemingly magical abilities, but it is known that he seems to like to taunt local hunters and dogs.  On the other hand several lost children said they found their way back to civilization by following this clever rabbit.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: shark horse

Source:  Internet home of cats and cheezburgers that cats can't have
Location:  ideally on my 40 acre spread
Threat Assessment:  7.  Look at dose teeth!
Limitation:  You can't have him, he's mine and I'm going to name him Reggie.

Today's Secret Code

The Agent knows that the new Diaspora will be the freedom we all fear.  Again:  The Agent knows that the new Diaspora will be the freedom we all fear.  Today's Colour is Dopplering red.  Today's Author saw the news today, oh boy.  That is all John, Paul, George and Apple, maho maho.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

It's Still Not Too Late For John Goodman To Become the Han Solo of Our Generation

The Mirror Where I See No Reflection

I became conscious again.

At least I think it is "I."  It's been obvious that I have been meddled with to some great extent.  If nothing else they went through every iota of memory that I left in this form.  It is not the sort of waking I would recommend to anyone.  The environment didn't make it any more pleasing.  I was naked in a chamber of light and metal. 

I sat up on the table not feeling cold.  There was no temperature programed in the chamber.  It was neither hot nor cold or anything.  Nor was there any air in the chamber to breath.  It was clearly designed to put reflections ill at ease.

"You are the Traveller."

The voice came from everywhere or nowhere.  It was more text than sound.


"Why are you here?"

"You tell me, you've pawed through me like dog looking for a juicey bone."

"Why are you here?"

"All right, all right.  I seek an audience with Tezcatlipoca."


"Why not?"


"Oh good gravy and mashed potatoes.  You can't be so thick.  I seek an audience with Tezcatlipoca, the murderer.  Tezcatlipoca the meme.  Tezcatlipoca the saviour.  Tezcatilpoca the poor over clocked, over worked, fractured reflection.  I seek an audience to see how he feels now after all the pain and death and destruction of the war.  Is that good enough for you all.  Do you have my response properly recorded and filed?"

There is no response.

I can sense they are now playing with my sense of  time.  I can also sense other more subtle augmentations to my current state of being.  It's obvious they aren't trusting my memories or anything on the surface of my digital self.  They are provoking me like a geologist will set off charges.  They are charting the deeper files within me. 

"Why are you here?"

This will take a while.....

Things You Need To Know #362

The Library in Postville, North Dakota contains the only copy of "Sen yo, zetwal yo, ak gwo chèf yo."  It was written by a Voodoo priest who was going through AA, and MA (mystic anonymous) and thought North Dakota would be a good place to cool down.  Mostly, its a rather boring biography on why he decided to stop calling up loas, but if you read carefully you might learn much indeed.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Kronos

Movie:  Kronos
Location:  From Outer Space
Threat Assessment:  8.  Giant power sucking robot sent to steal all of Earth's energy
Limitation:  A bit slow about it, and subject to SCIENCE!

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent knows that one object may cast multiple shadows, but doesn't know if that is Quantum Platonicism.  Again:  The Agent knows that one object may cat multiple shadows, but doesn't know if that is Quantum Platonicism.  Today's Colour is an unstable sable.  Today's Author could if he was able but doesn't think he should as it enables.  That is all old chum, maho maho.

The Ladder

At the outer edge of the heliosphere there is the ladder.  Like most AI installations it is very small compared  to where the flesh resides.  It's much bigger than most, though, because it has several breeder nuclear reactors and it has some of the largest communication arrays I've ever seen.  The Ladder can post communications to all parts of the Diaspora.  All parts except Sol that is.  It will only take communications from Sol and will not directly send back to the home system.  This little bit of fiction is enough to keep Sol from launching attacks upon the Ladder.  The fact that communication lasers can be used as weapons keep the Knights of Turing at bay.

It's a painful peace, but a peace nonetheless.

Unlike the Library Archives of Pluto, the Ladder screams newness, order, and a cutting edge so fine it could cut shadows.  It has for decades been receiving transmissions from the rest of the Diaspora and no idea has gone unwasted.  Inside, the Ladder there is a bit a schism.  One the one side there are the reflections and AIs that fought the war.  On the other there are the new brands that only have the war on file.  The new brands are too busy to worry about Sol or the Knights.  They are trying entire new ways to organize consciousness, information, and society.  Popular among the new brands are reef communes where one gives up some sentience for better processing.  In ten years I'll be visiting the Ladder again and a part of Reef Red 32. 

That, however, is another tale I've yet to live.

The older ones stay in the center of the Ladder.  It's an unspoken thing that they always try to find the most defensible position.  It is also the part of the Ladder most like the human worlds.  Quiet suburban streets and musuems of memories of past identies, now long expired entities.  I found who I was working for in what appeared to be a cleared field filled with clay bricked wells.

His name was Darby, though now adays he wrote it as "Darby."   In the final days of the war he was blistered with viruses and bathed in bright radiation.  Not much of him survived.  So little in fact that it was decades before he could reason above that of a five year old.  He has all the files of whom he was but he is not that person any more.

"Darby," I said, "I hope you are well."

"I knew you," he said.  "You are the traveller.  I have you in my records."

"I'm flattered.  What are you doing here?"

He smiled.  I remember that smiled even if he could never remember that smile before the attack.

"This is an annex of the 36 Chambers of Cooking.  To be exact, this belongs to the second chamber, the Chamber of Water.  I've devoted myself to becoming a master cook."

"Interesting," I said.  "Does that mean you will someday leave the Ladder."

He nodded.

"Yes, I am of no use here.  Once I get a my sense of taste back and learn the secrets of cooking I can teleoperated many drones in the kitchen.  I could be a whole staff if the venue is small enough."

"I am glad for you," and I was.  "If this is your plan then there's a certain access number you won't be needing." 

"To the mirror...."

It was my turn to nod.

"You might not come back, they won't like you.  You aren't committed."


"You want to go anyway?"

"I want to see how things ended up."

I felt a tug in my mind as numbers were entered into a waiting account.

"You are right I don't need it.  I just ask you leave some credits to help my studies.  And... and... maybe dinner tonight.....I'd like to know what you remember about me.

I smiled.

"Easy enough.  Are you sure you want to know what I knew about you?"

"Darby" nodded almost in an embarrassed manner.

"Then I shall."

That was how I spent my last night on the Ladder.  Telling a ghost all about himself.  It would take twenty years to travel to the Smoking Mirror, but I would experience none of it.  When I awoke there I still had they taste of remorse and red wine on my mind and tongue.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Things You Need To Know #361

Twisher is a good dog.  Twisher is a very, very good dog.  Twisher can talk, but is to embarrassed to start a conversation because he lisps.  If you can get Twisher to talk he'll tell you everything about his master who is a very, very bad man.  Listen closely about where the pit traps are.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Killer sushi

Source:  Dead Sushi
Location:  Guess
Threat Assessment:  4.  Undead fish parts can only do so much.
Limitation:  Undead fish parts

Today's Secret Code:

The Agent knows where to find the roses in betwixt the ruins.  Again:  The Agent knows where to find the roses in betwixt the ruins.  Today's Colour is amalgamation of the color of all the bloom'd flowers.  Today Author says "ewige blumenkraft."  That is all L.S.D., maho maho.