"The Drive In" by Joe R. Lansdale

Joe, if I may be so familiar, is a national treasure by way of Texas.  He writes westerns, mysteries, pulp action, horror, comic books and sometimes he writes them all in one big ol' stew of a thing.  His writing is sharp, concise, and often as not darkly funny.  His stories do move boy, and he knows how to rock and roll.  So if you have not read one of his books I would say, "What are you waiting for?"

Only Joe would have been able to write "The Drive In," which is a tribute to the vanishing Drive In culture, an examination of what it means to be human, and a damn fine weird story of horror and popcorn.  It's about four boys becoming men who are on their weekly all night pilgrimage to the Orbit Drive In where every Friday is horror night.  People are running around in monster suits, girls in bikinis, there is drinking and grilling and all sorts of making out.  Generally a mighty fine night to be young and in Texas.  That is, until a strange comet comes and surrounds the drive in with a thick black ...THING... that dissolves what ever touches it. 

Ok, things are bad but not so bad.  We still got movies.  We still got popcorn.  We can be civil about all this.  Who knows how many weeks that thought lasted.  Eventually, though people start becoming savage.  As Leatherface runs around on the eternal screens people between the cars begin taking lessons.  Also, popcorn only satisfies so much, some folks start thinking of grillin' up some people burgers.  Our boys have to try to survive this and survive it with humanity intact.

Our narrator takes this very hard because he is as his friend Bob said "A bleeding heart" who truly wants to believe people are not just animals.  Bob says folks aren't just animals but sonovabitches as well.  The other two spiral way out of control and end up tattoo'd armed and one on top of the other's shoulders wearing a popcorn tub as a hat.  Definitely not normal behavior and it only gets worse from there.

It's a slim book but that's just cause Joe slimmed it down to fighting weight.  It bobs, it weaves and it lands surprising punches among funny little quips.  Some images like the little girl with the dog are not going to go away soon.  When the monster of the piece the Popcorn King appears it is electricfying.  Why this hasn't been made into a film I will never know.  So far as I know the only thing they've touched of his work for film was the incredible "Bubba Ho Tep." 

Definitely, Hollywood needs to get on board!

House

Just the other day I was watching "The Locker" (and "The Locker II" on the same tape) and I was feeling old.  Old cause it felt like a certain golden period of Japanese cinema seems to have passed by.  Nothing wrong with the lockers, they were basic J-horror movies ala "The Grudge," template.  There was nothing really right with them either though.  They were bland, and the one thing I had never really associated with japanese cinema was blandness.

Which brings me to "House," or "Hausu," a japanese film that was made in 1977 and has been enjoying a bit of rediscovery this year.  Reviewers have been tongued tied after seeing it, generally saying to effect "Don't ask me about it, go see it.  Grab your loved ones, and strangers on the street and GO. SEE. IT!" 

It's understandable really.  Trying to describe the plot of this film would make it sound boring.  Try to describe any scene from this film and people might enquire upon your choices of drugs.  So let me try to walk this type of tightrope.  "House," is something of either a darkly funny or brightly dark fairy tale.  You have Gorgeous and her friends who share a similiar name scheme like "Fantasy" or "Prof," and they all go to Gorgeous strange spooky aunt's house in the middle of nowhere.  Bad things happen.  Trippy things happen.  Bad, trippy things happen.  The end.  Now shut up and go see the movie yourself!

Wait, that's not fair, let me give a little more.  On the DVD, one observer points out that the director, Nobuhiko Obayashi, literally uses every trick in the book.  It's true.  There is animation, there is painted sets, there is fast forwarding and rewinding of film, and there is every type of dissolve.  None of these would make any sense if you were to write down what happens in the film, but when taken as a whole... well it still doesn't make sense but it doesn't matter.  It overwhelmes, it breaks down your defenses.  It leaves you practically breathless and begging for more.

Ladies and gentlemen, my wonderful readers, this is what Japanese cinema is to me at its finest.  I may not understand it, but it enthralls me.

Now go watch this yourself!!

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Well they've been remaking a lot of slasher films lately, good God they remade Prom Night.  Prom Night?!  Was there a crying need for that?  I think not.  So, it's not suprising they finally got around to doing a remake of Wes Craven's Nightmare on Elmstreet.  At least this was handled by the folks who did the remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," so you are fairly assured that if they didn't make it better at least they'd remake it fairly competently.

So, we have dumb teenagers again.  They are having nightmares, and this time it is Jackie Earle Haley instead of Robert Englund doing the honors of putting most of them out their misery.  The main difference here plot wise is that they tie Nancy much closer to Freddy making it a more traumatic grudge match.

Well, in theory.

Look, this film has way better production values than the first.  It also has a more consistent tone.  What it is missing is craziness and fun.  The first film you really had no clue what was going to happen, not everything worked to be sure (the ending?  Really??), but it had a wonderful funhouse quality.  The new film is so dour.  Yes Freddy was a child molestor but in the first film that was just a reason for the parents to kill his ass to set the plot in motion.  The new film really dwells over it making Nancy a victim of Freddy before Freddy got hi s pizza face.  It's good, just not near as much fun.  Also, while the actors are on the whole way better, this film could have used an actor like John Saxon who may not have been good but was always John Saxon and don't you forget it.

Jackie Earle Haley does carry most of the film's water in his protrayal of Freddie.  In keeping with the new film it is a darker performance than Robert Englund but it is also a less punny, more purposeful performance.  Certainly, he channels his inner bad ass here for good effect.  The make up is different but good, it reminds me of the skinned baby in "Eraserhead." 

Overall, it wa not bad, but I'll always prefer the first film.

Robotomy

Robotomy is another 15 minute cartoon show that has premiered on the Cartoon Network. It's about two robot "students" and their hijinks.  The animation is nicely old school and there was a nice little time travel gag.  Overall though, it was middling.  Maybe, I think that "facebook"/frenemy jokes have already jumped the shark.  But, I'll certainly look it over again and it was fun enough for 15 minutes.  It does make for a rather schizoid hour of tv when combined with adventure time, reality show, and Mad. 

I like schizoid.

The Secret of the Kells

Earlier this year I was caught by suprise during the oscar cockanimmy.  That's pretty unusual since I keep my finger on the pulse of what's going on.  But in the best animation selection there was this film "The Secret of the Kells," and I'm like what the whodahay is this?  After seeing some clips, I knew I wanted to see this badly.  Unfortunately it's theatrical release here in the states was ... shall we just say "limited," and leave it at that.  Fortunately DVD heals most wounds and I've finally seen it all.

The story is that of Brendan a young monk at the monastery of Kells.  His uncle is the Abbott and everyone is very afraid of the dreaded Vikings.  The Abbott is trying to put up a wall to keep everyone out.  Brendan would love to GO out into the world but is kept behind those huge imposing walls.  Finally, he does get out into the woods and there meets Aisling a fairie and shapechanger.  Will Brendan be able to help create the book that will turn darkness to light?  Will he and Aisling be safe from vikings and worse? 

The film is beautiful.  There's no other word for it.  Taking design cues from celtic designs it just flows like lines from a pen, or how ripples in a creek may look when the light catches it.  The characters of Aisling and Brendan are fun and never cliched.  The film moves quickly and is exciting.  Also, as Bill Cosby used to say, if you aren't careful you may learn something.

MacGruber

No, I have not seen the SNL skit.  That's actually rather immaterial here.  The question is whether the concept has enough going for it to be a film.  "It's Pat," did not for example, while "The Blues Brothers," did.  On the face of it MacGruber sounded promising.  A Macguyver/action movie satire.  There's a lot of comedy gold there on the face of it.

The plot of the movie is of course Macgruber must be coaxed back into service ala Stallone in First Blood II, or Hot Shots II.   He must stop the evil Cunth (sigh) from getting and using a nuclear device.  Since this Cunth also killed his wife, well that makes it personal mister.  After killing off his own team with his home made explosives, he has to make do with a potential love interest and a by the book military type.  Can MacGruber do it, and do it with a paper clip?  Will we care.

Not too much.

Will Forte just doesn't do it for me.  He has the an almost negative charisma which makes the unlikeable MacGruber very hard to stand.  A Jim Carrey can take a MacGruber and just by sheer enthusiasm get you in on the joke.  Not here.  Val Kilmer doesn't embarrass himself, but neither does he do much with the admittedly lean role of head baddy.  My god though, he's gone so totally Brando.  You start looking at him trying to see the young hip "Chris Knight" of "Real Genius" and it's just not there anymore.  The only actor who really has gusto is Powers booth who is always a joy to watch.

Saying all the above, I will say as dumb comedy it does have some little funny bits.  Also, it suggests new uses for celery (don't EVER give MacGruber a head of cabbage.)  I don't put too much weight on box office, but when I saw it made 8 million at the box office I thought that was about right.

Not the Messiah

If you are a man of a certain age, you were probably a monty python fan.  Oddly monty python tended to skew more towards male fans than women.  I think it's because they were based mostly on a bunch of men arguing with each other.  They'd argue over the existence of cheese or whether a parrot was a alive or dead but as a group they were clearly very confrontational. 

The thing about a sketch show is that you can trim the fat and go right to the meat.  No need to ease in and out of the good bits, just cut to the pet shop and start in on norwegian blues pining for the fjords.  This format translated to most of their films.  "The Meaning of Life," for example didn't have a plot but rather an over arching theme that the sketches could (sometimes vaguely) latch onto.  "The Life of Brian," was a very different affair.  It would wander a bit like a smart lad with ADD, but mostly it was the coherent story of how one jewish lad was mistaken for the Messiah and what happened to the poor bugger.

Well, it's been a while.  Quite a while.  People have grown older, and some have passed on.  Luckily, before the last members became ex parrots they started getting back together and doing things.  "Not the Messiah," is one of those things.  It is a live taping from Albert Hall of a musical rendition of "Life of Brian."  Eric Idol leads the show and is ably helped by some old members and fresh young voices.  The comedy is nowhere near as sharp as the movie, but the music is stirring and the crowd adds a lot of excitement and energy.  If you are a Python fan and want to see how the old boys are getting along, then please do give it a look. 

"Suck" does not in fact suck.

There's always a danger in labeling your picture with a name like "Suck."  If you aren't spot on, critics will have a field day with headlines like, "This film Suck(s)."  Really why make it easier for the pin heads like me to fling monkey doo at your parade?  Might as well tie yourself up like a human pinata and hand out the bats. 

Now if you ARE spot on, now worries.  Which brings us to "Suck," or what might have been titled "Courtney Was Not The Only Life Sucking Slut in Rock and Roll."  That might have given them legal troubles though and it doesn't roll off the tongue.  The film is about a middling to failing band banging around trying to drum up some enthusiasm.  So far, they are failing badly.  Their own manager dumps them is a sad, sad passive aggressive way.

That is until the lady bass player gets the fangs.  Now she's doing stupid vampire tricks on stage and drawing the crowds.  The rest of the band is slowly drawn in and they become hits.  Unfortunately, being so high profile draws a vampire hunter to them like a moth to the flame.  The leader, who generally isn't a leader type, is worried about this and losing his own humanity.  Will he make the right decision? 

I had a monkey load of fun over this film.  It's fast, sharp, smart, and funny.  Cast?  Boy so we have cast here people.  Iggy Pop, we have Alice FREAKING Cooper, we have Dave Foley, and we have Malcolm McDowell as our fearless vampire hunter.  Can it get any better?  How about the songs not sucking?  Super Bonus. 

This is definitely a much watch if you are not into glitter vampires.  It's violent of course, but generally played "for laughs."  Also wonderful photography for those who care about such things.  Watch, watch, watch!!!

Galaxy of Terror

A classic of badness. This shows off so many of Roger Corman's strengths. An interesting cast, a crew of veterans and enthusiastic new comers (like James Cameron), not afraid to be crassly exploitive, and making pinching pennies a virtue all make for an interesting film.

Let's get something out of the way. Yes, this is the film where the chick gets raped by the maggot. I remember when I was 15 and it was on HBO at 3 am, and I couldn't believe my eyes. Bonus points when you learn the poor actress' name is "Taffee."

The story begins at the edge of human space. A planet controlled by the "Planent Master," gets a report that a ship has been lost. The Planet Master (head glowing like Dormamu as he plays a sophisticated game that is half a step above pong with the old "seer" whom we never see again) orders a rescue mission. He tells his seer to leave because now he plays alone. Given the choice of an old hag or playing with myself, I'd do the same.

Soooo....

Our crew. Magnum P.I. (ok, not tom selleck but the man is WORKING that seventies porn 'stache!), Freddy Krueger (ok, just the actor Englund there are no finger knives), Captain Spaulding (ok, it's just Sid Haig, there's no clown make up), My Favorite Martian (Ok, Ray wise you got me there cowboys), Joanie (yes Joanie from happy days and no chachi to be seen!), grace zabraski, some dude who plays too much with his gun, some old dude who's supposedly leading the mission, scared wormy guy, and poor soon to be bewormed Taffee are our crew here. Really, try to get a more interesting crew for a sf film in this day in age.

The ship crashes into a mystery planet, with a mystery pyramid. Soon everyone is dying. Dying in pretty weird spectacular ways. Heads being torn off, giant flying leeches, and heads exploding. Really it's good clean fun.

Now to be honest, some of the characters are hoary, some of the lines are shaggy. There are bits when the film sags a bit. But I think over all, it still holds up well today. The pyramid is a very interesting structure, obviously stolen in bits and pieces from Alien but Corman is an honest thief. You knew going in there wasn't much orginality at work. But like good left overs it is something of a comfort dish. With exploded heads.

Badness can come for many directions. From Japan we have "Killer Car," about young adults driving a car that is possessed with a killing spirit. Like the car the film is a featureless box. The cast is boring and the killings are as well. Best to avoid as the addition of subtitles make it a sleep inducing experience.

Syfy once again downed itself with "Goblin." A town is cursed and every halloween a goblin like thing terrorizes everyone, specially if you happen to have a baby, aka yard ape, with you. It tries for some personality by the cast but it is undone by haphazard pacing and just a bad creature effect. Really folks I don't understand it, the creature is human sized, and human shaped. Why bother with cheap craptastic CGI to make this wonder? No one ever heard of make up? Stan Winston? Ok, stan's dead but you get the idea. IF you are going to continuously do CGIwtf effects why not change up the looks? At least it would be interesting to render a Goblin ala say cubism.

While no doubt it will be as equally sucktastical, I do want to see "Sharktopus" when it comes out. I want to see a half shark, half octopus monster. Really. That's it. I'm easy.

Wrapping it up

"The Landlord" is a ...funny.. horror movie. Eh. Well, honestly it isn't horrible. The situation actually works. A put upon landlord has people eating demons in one of his apartments. He has to keep getting new borders because that's his actual job and he's being paid good money by his sister the cop. But he hates his job, other cops are always hasseling him, and he has to deal with demons and body parts. His sister is all "boo hoo" I have demon troubles of my own. Any hoo, all this changes when a girl who hits the landlord's fancy becomes border number 17. Will she survive, will the landlord finally collect rent? It's actually good enough to watch to the end.

"Bare Knuckles" is sort of odd. It rips off both "Million Dollar Baby" and "Every Which Way But Loose," except of course without Clint Eastwood, or even orang atangs. Lady falls into the seedy world of female bare knuckle boxing to pay for her son's medical bills. You can set the words processing program on "puree" from this point. It's not so bad though as a B (ok C) movie. It moves along jauntily.