Dead Noon

I've been critical of the Syfy channel's use of CGI. That's probably putting it lightly. But I have to say now that I have seen worse CGI. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you "Dead Noon," aka "Dead on Arrival," "Dead Space," "Please Dear Lord Kill It With Fire."

First, we get an unlikeable banged up couple by a fire. It's story time boys and girls, as unlikeable man tells the girl a story.  See, long ago in the old west there was an unlikeable sheriff (sensing a theme here gang?) who was in cahoots with an unlikeable outlaw.  One day sheriff found his wife stepping out with the outlaw.  So the sheriff goes and kills all the outlaw's no account friends and then kills the outlaw sending him to hell.  Here we get the first good look at the wonderful special effects as the sheriff sets fire to the lynched corpses.  The fire effect was like a green screen of a close up of a fire place superimposed on the poor extra hanging from the tree.  It was "Birdemic" bad and that's saying a lot.

The outlaw goes to hell which is the worst green screen in all of creation and plays poker with the Devil.  They talk some and bore more.  Finally, the outlaw goes back to the world for a little vengeance.  For some reason he's now in modern time.  I guess they take their time when they play poker in hell, or maybe when they are just playing with pokers.  A whole heap of unlikeable people are killed by unseen killers by bad CGI fire effects.  This seems to last forever or at least a hand of cards in Hell.

Finally we are introduced to the new sheriff who's the great grandson of the sheriff that started this whole mess.  He just got married and was going to his honeymoon so the film gets to rip off "High Noon" a little.  The sheriff and his posse figure out they are dealing with undead scalawags and so its off to episodic showdown that clearly wanted to be epic.  The film ends back with the story teller and his unfortunate twist.  Now wake up. 

Bad, horrible, wrong. 

Cowboys and Aliens

Well to be fair I didn't hate this film. It was mostly ok. The trouble is, that a two hundred million dollar film ought to be better than ok. Is that fair to judge on the curve of budget? Maybe not, but a big price tag tells me we are dealing with pros and pros should be able to do more.

The story is fairly simple. Guy wakes up with no memory in the middle of nowhere with a doohickey on his wrist. Guy is a bad ass but is hurt so he finds the nearest town to get fixed up. Turns out the guy is a notorious bandit so he gets nicked by the local law. Now aliens and Harrison Ford show up (what is this Indy 4?) and there's a big fight. Turns out the doohickey is some alien weapon and our hero (?) blows a couple of ships out of the sky. Harrison loses his no good son to the aliens so he and our hero partner up to form a posse. Also coming is the local preacher/doc, a kid, a dog, oh and a mysterious lady.

They trapse around the west fighting aliens, and meeting up with bandits and native americans. They find out the aliens are here for gold. Our hero gets his memory back. The mysterious lady reveals her mysteries, and they finally find the alien hive and have a big ol' battle. It really does sound far more exciting than it is, which is the shame of it.

So what went wrong? It's hard to put into words, but I think it is just that the actors didn't give any energy to the audience. They are there, they act just fine, but there's no connection. No spark. Ok, good example, looke at Harrison Ford's performance here, then go look at 3 seconds in Star Wars where he says "Trust me." There is more connection, and charisma in those three seconds then in all of this film. The only actor that brought anything like that energy is Clancy Brown who played the preacher.

So in short, the plus is that it's not "The Wild, Wild West," the movie. The minus is that it's not "The WIld, Wild West," the TV show.

Gunless

Gunless is the type of western that appears mostly now on the Hallmark channel. This isn't a knock against either, it just is a best description. Gunless is a low budget, whimsical, light romance down up in spurs with horses. I found it to be charming.

The story begins with the Montana Kid blowing into town. It wasn't exactly a planned thing since he arrives with a noose around his neck and a bullets in his butt. He is not in a good mood. This lack of good mood gets worse as he tries to deal with the fact that he's both in Canada and in a back episode of "Northern Exposure." That is the town is full of eccentric types that take him in in stride where he is more used to fear and gun fire. There isn't even a revolver in town except for the kid's. Clearly he needs to learn to adjust and luckily there's a lovely young lady that helps tame (and wash) the savage barbarian from America.

All in all, it's a fun film. It doesn't have any large aspirations but that's not needed.  I know a lot of folks are burnt out on oaters and that's a shame.  They are the acme of American film and they deserve a revival. Definitely worth a watch.

Rango

Like a strong spice, a little Johnny Depp goes a long way.  This isn't to say he's a bad actor (he's not) but he's drawn to characters that wear their neurosi on their sleeves and clothes like they were nascar endorsements.  So for every Ed Wood (his very best film in my view) there is his take on Willy Wonka (which gave me dry heaves).  Not to put too fine a point on it, but I got tired of his main meal ticket of playing Captain Jack Sparrow about three pirate films ago.

So Rango makes a very nice change of pace.  It's the story of Depp as a chamleon, no the reptile not his usual self, who has some identity issues.  He finds himself due to an accident along the side of the highway in the desert.  Following the advice of a wise but bisected armadillo he travels on.  The desert is a bad place to be for a tiny bright green not so bright lizard, but he somehow survives and find his way to an old west town.  There are problems there involving bad guys and the lack of water.  By dint of luck and delusion he becomes the sheriff then tries to heroically bungle his way to solve the town's problems.

This is a very funny film.  I have to say a lot of the praise has to go to Depp.  I love how he adds a touch of Kermit to his voice work here.  Visually, this film is incredible.  It's one of the very best computer animated films in my view.  It takes some of its visual cues from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" (even with a Hunter S. Thompson cameo) and from every western ever made (even with a Clint Eastwood cameo.)  Some of the film references, like to "Chinatown," will be over the heads of the younger set but it doesn't detract from the over all fun.  Definitely there is something for everybody here.

Jonah hex

Jonah Hex was a comic western hero from the DC lineup. He was noted mostly for a messed up face. For most of his 92 issue run he ran up against fairly normal foes. He didn't have any super powers outside being just plain rattle snake mean and a dead shot with a gun.

In the movie, Josh Brolin plays Hex. Here, he has his family killed, maimed, and nearly kill by John Malkovitch. He is revived by indians and now has the power to talk with dead people at a touch. This seems like a good power to have for a bounty hunter. He goes on being a bounty hunter and ridiculously armed one (gatling guns on a horse??), and himself becomes a wanted man after a "misunderstanding." Meanwhile, Malkovitch has gone all Dr. Loveless and is threatening the US with a super weapon. Of course only onery Jonah can save the day. Aided by Megan Fox he does so in his own surly fashion.

Josh is a good choice to play Jonah. Certainly I can't fault the production values. The action is good though shot in a bit too much "MTV style" for my taste. I don't even fault them for giving Hex a "super power," it works well within the context of the story. My only real problem is they went all "Wild, Wild West" plot wise. It didn't work for the "Wild, Wild West," and it really doesn't work here. I think Hex as a character would have been better served with a smaller more intense story. Think more "High Plains Drifter." Still, how ofter do you see a horse with gatling guns?

Big Money Rustlas

This was actually a rather hard film to get. It's in big demand by juggalos. What is a juggalo? Well a juggalo is an Insane Clown Posse fan (don't ask about furry juggalos), and this is a western made by and starring the Insane Clown Posse.

So, I have here a western made by rappers wearing clown faces. Hey nothing can go wrong here.

go wrong
go wrong
go wrong

Ahem... reboot

So here we are in the old west. The little town of Mudbug is being terrorized by Big Baby Chips, played by Violent J in full clown face. No one can stand up to this foul mouth clown till another clown (Shaggy 2 Dope) becomes Sheriff Sugar Wolf.

So begins a battle of wills by a couple of half wits. Big Baby enlists some rather odd assassins for the old west to kill Sugar Wolf. Some of these include a fellow with high eye beams, and another in a steam powered wheel chair kicking peoples asses with his size 52 fungoid stank foot.

And you thought Will Smith's film was bad.

Actually, this film does reach the fabled "so bad it's good" label. It's all done in a pleasantly bad taste. Characters unapologetically have names like "Dirty Sanchez," or act as if this was a 3rd grade play with swear words.  It also has cameos by Ron Jeremy and Jason Mewes filling out the freak show aspect of the production.  It's a well mounted production as well, very well photographed and not really feeling too cheap.  Watch it, for nothing else for a glimpse into the sub society of juggalos. 

The Baron

I love Vincent Price.  It's a totally hetro man love by the way, but it is a very deep one.  I love his movies and I love the man.  He was, as they say, a class act.  Not only a great actor but a writer, artist, chef.  He has a degree in Art History from Yale and an art gallery that still bears his name.  No one has ever said an unkind thing about him.  Well, except that the IMDb lists one of his nicknames as "Bink."  Bink?  Probably best not to ask.

Though it is near halloween, and we are talking about Vincent here, I rather talk about a non horror role for the moment.  If you haven't seen the Baron of Arizona you really really must.  It is an incredible film about an incredible attempt of theft.  You see Vincent here wants to steal Arizona.  All of it.  And he wants to do it under pretense of law.  As you can imagine this is not easy and requires years of planning and plotting.  We follow Vincent as he goes from step to improbable step.  We also watch as he grooms a young girl to first be a pawn then his wife. 

The film is of course well acted, thank you Vincent.  It is also very well directed by Samuel Fuller.  The most amazing thing, however, is that it based on fact.  James Addison Reavis did indeed try to steal Arizona.  Truly makes Madoff look like clownshoes by comparison.  Certainly you should not miss this film!

Evil Roy Slade

"Evil Roy Slade," was certainly ahead of its time. It was a pilot for a tv show that never went anywhere. The idea was that the bad guys would be the heroes of the show, and each week there would be a different guest sheriff that would be killed. It's a beauty of an idea and I'd still love to see some variant of it today.

Of course a modern version wouldn't have John Astin. Everyone remembers John Astin as Gomez Adams, but I would see him in anything. I still remember him fondly as Harry's dad in "Night Court." I used to bother folks for years by saying "....but I feel MUCH BETTER NOW." He had the Ebola of infectious smiles. You just sense he had a wonderful time with whatever he did. No different here, his character is so evil that as a baby he raised himself in the desert with only his teddy bear. He grows up to a scoundrel and a villain, but the fun kind who'd say things like, "Mind if I shoot your mom so we can have a conversation?"

Clearly John Astin is center ring of this circus, but this pilot has so much more. Dom Deluise, Milton Berle, and Mickey Rooney show up to make it a show! Plus the writing is fairly sharp for this sort of things. Some of the jokes are a bit old now, but heck as they say everything comes back into style eventually.

If you can find it, give "Evil Roy Slade" a try.

The Good, The Bad, and the Fred

Fred Olen Ray has been making zero budget films for a very long time. A veeerrrry long time. So long that when he had to do nude scenes he had to convince the actress to take the fig leaf off. I think I paint the picture here rather well. Were they good movies? Well, no. Some were decent, some were campy, and there was more than a few that were god awful abominations that only left the taste of burning tar on your tongue and tears in your eye. But I forgive him these trespasses, afterall you go to see "Soriety Babes in the Slime Bowlerama" with lowered expectations.

The point here, is Fred is a survivor. He's been there, done that, and now has a closet full of t shirts. He knows the ropes, hell he's fricking braided the damn ropes. So all you Ole Bolls out there should watch a few of Fred's films and see how things are done. Just because you have a spit and shine for budget doesn't mean you can't do SOMETHING with it.

Now we have American Bandits: Frank and Jesse James. I would put this up to the big budget snooze fest "Jesse James blah blah blah" that came out to be two years back. Is it historically accurate, um no. Is it wall to wall action? No. But it does not embarrass itself. It is a competent western that could have been made in the forties.

Probably was.

Also, I would be remiss not to point out that it has Peter Fonda and Jeffrey Combes in nice little bit parts. Each has their little moment of shine, and they earned their checks boys. Though, in a Fred film it's probably beer money. Also, I loved that they did not use CGI gun fire. I think I've mentioned this has become one of my personal bugaboos in low budget film. Say what you will nothing beats the analog of a good blank.

Good work, Fred.