Thursday, November 3, 2011

Dead Noon

I've been critical of the Syfy channel's use of CGI. That's probably putting it lightly. But I have to say now that I have seen worse CGI. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you "Dead Noon," aka "Dead on Arrival," "Dead Space," "Please Dear Lord Kill It With Fire."

First, we get an unlikeable banged up couple by a fire. It's story time boys and girls, as unlikeable man tells the girl a story.  See, long ago in the old west there was an unlikeable sheriff (sensing a theme here gang?) who was in cahoots with an unlikeable outlaw.  One day sheriff found his wife stepping out with the outlaw.  So the sheriff goes and kills all the outlaw's no account friends and then kills the outlaw sending him to hell.  Here we get the first good look at the wonderful special effects as the sheriff sets fire to the lynched corpses.  The fire effect was like a green screen of a close up of a fire place superimposed on the poor extra hanging from the tree.  It was "Birdemic" bad and that's saying a lot.

The outlaw goes to hell which is the worst green screen in all of creation and plays poker with the Devil.  They talk some and bore more.  Finally, the outlaw goes back to the world for a little vengeance.  For some reason he's now in modern time.  I guess they take their time when they play poker in hell, or maybe when they are just playing with pokers.  A whole heap of unlikeable people are killed by unseen killers by bad CGI fire effects.  This seems to last forever or at least a hand of cards in Hell.

Finally we are introduced to the new sheriff who's the great grandson of the sheriff that started this whole mess.  He just got married and was going to his honeymoon so the film gets to rip off "High Noon" a little.  The sheriff and his posse figure out they are dealing with undead scalawags and so its off to episodic showdown that clearly wanted to be epic.  The film ends back with the story teller and his unfortunate twist.  Now wake up. 

Bad, horrible, wrong. 

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