Assault Girls

Nice title.  Sounds exciting.
It.
Was.
Not.
There's some interesting things here.  It plays sort of like "The Matrix" except with no real stakes.  In the future there's a boring narrator who's way to into the different economic systems of the 20th century.  The upshot is folks now live in substainable misery and now play a game in a virtual world to make life better.  The world doesn't look all that better though.  It's basic desert on desert with sand wormy things armed with rockets.  Hooo ray.

Our unlikely, and unlikeable, band of heroes are coax together by some overarching dungeon master and together they learn to work together.  Each character looks cool and has a cool code name.  Unfortunately they are as dull as ditch water.  Seriously, they should be called the novacaine mob.

So we have a very pretty movie that's essentially about nothing starring folks we couldn't give a tinker's cuss about, and around here boyos we take our tinker's cuss purty durn serious.  So if you like Japanese films or a rabid sf fan well it might give you some costume ideas for the next con.

Attack of the Giant Monsters

In the nineties they went and remade the Gamera series to great success.  It's hard to believe the mileage you can get from a giant, flame throwing turtle but there you go.  Still as good as the later films are, they don't have the incredible fun badness of the original Gamera films.  Attack of the Giant Monsters AKA Gamera Vs. Gyaos which is the very best of a very bad lot.

After a series of volcanic eruptions Gamera returns to Japan to sup up on good ol' geo thermal energy (Gamera is green dudes!)  Kid in short pants everywhere in Japan are happy that their favorite mascoto is back.  Scientists being scientists want to prod so they go in a toy helicopter to see what they can see.  They are surprised though when a volcano throws energy beams at them splitting the copter in two.  No worries, no one seems to care much.

Meanawhile, a road is being built dang it.  It will be built whether there are volcanic eruptions, or giant turtles dang it.  So it is willed in Tokyo.  So the guy on site and his two boobs get to work.  Farmers though are hating.  So they say you no build the road unless we get maximum green.  Greedy farmers.  Short pants kid doesn't care and would rather explore the strange green glow in the mountains.  He is joined by a less than heroic journalist.  There they discover Gyaos. 

Gyaos is like a big bat.  A big bat with an old fashion iron for a head.  A big bat that shoots out laser like beams.  A big bat that eats little journalists.  Bye journalist.  You won't be missed.  Gamera though pops up before Gyaos can eat the kid.  Gyaos doesn't like Gamera's fire but has a built in fire extinguisher system.  Gamera doesn't have an anti laser system.  Gamera loses in a really bloody fight.

Luckily scientist listen to Short Pants Kid who knows EVERYTHING about monsters.  Turns out that Gyaos likes long walks in the park, drinking blood, but doesn't like the sun.  With these facts in hand they come up with the silliest trap invented since the days of scooby doo.  They fill a big (REALLY BIG) bowl full of blood and put it on a merry go round.  They hope to make Gyaos too dizzy to fly.

Luckily Gamera heals himself and comes back and kicks Gyaos butt.  The farmers and the road crew become friends.  Everyone loves the Short Pants Kid.  Scientists are smug.  The world is good.  A perfect Gamera film.

Films I would remake: The Magic Serpent

Oh this is just a joy from my childhood. I've always enjoyed films that dare to straddle genres and "The Magic Serpent" certainly does that. A fantasy film and a giant monster movie, what is not to like? Now to be sure the version I saw was the american version so who knows what the real film was like. That, however, is for purists. All I know is that this film rocked my world as a kid and is still fun to watch.

It starts in some feudal period of Japan. One of those times where folks have their hair shaped like handles, I guess for easy grabbing after being beheaded. Anyway, we open to a shot of a serence castle by a lake. Very nice minature by the way. Suddenly NINJAS! They must belong to the Big Eyebrow clan. I've seen hedges less bushy than their head gear. They all jump around being ninja-y, and guards die and rooms explode and there is a great flury of action.

In another part of the castle the Lord and his wife wake up wondering who let the dogs out. They are met at the door by the Lord's great friend and second in command. He tells them the castle has been invaded and he has been betrayed and only he can tell the Lord who betrayed him. Blame it on just waking up, but the Lord doesn't take the obvious hint and asks who betrayed him. The second of command says of course it is I who betray you and kills the Lord. The wife gets killed by the new Lord's second in command who is basically a sneer in a kimono. But true villainy never is easy, the Lord's futon rat has escaped across the lake.

Or has he? As the boat rows on across the lake, the lake begins to boil and a huge asian style dragon pops up with stag antlers and begins to kill everyone on the boat. The brat stands firm against the dragon with dialog about as silly as the kid's in "The Phantom Menance." Before the movie gets cut short a huge bird comes down and does a slash against the dragon's face and saves the brat. Now roll the credits and let's really begin this puppy!

Years later, a heroic looking fellow is dodging blades and fire in the wild mountains. Turns out it was just magic training between him and the old magician that sent the bird to save him all those years ago. The hero has convenient amnesia over who his parents are and the Master promises to finally tell him, but first go gather herbs in the woods for no obvious reason. As the hero leaves the Master stabs some dirt which was actually a hidden ninja. So the Master knows there are ninjas all around him and sends his student alone in the woods. Is it a test? Was he trying to save his student? Who knows. Personally, I think a lot of trouble would have been saved if they had worked together, but then it would be a shorter movie.

So in the woods our hero is beset by ninjas. He shows first he can fight very nicely regularly, and then busts out some japanese magic on these goons. At one point it looks like his head falls off, and his headless body is running around hog tying ninjas. He wanted information, but these guys are hard core and bite off their own tongues. Oh well, at least he finds a pretty girl hiding in the woods. She's not with the ninjas, she's on her own quest to find her real father. So he says, you know I really like you come meet my Master. I guess this is feudal Japanese first base, who knows? She says yes, so herbs forgotten they skip off to see the Master.

Master though is having problems. His first student shows up first as a snake and then as the Sneer in the Kimono. They have a tense conversation where the Sneer is like, oh hey I really care for you don't mind the poison right? And the Master is all, look you stole me magic scroll, broke my heart and you never write. Also, the Master points at the scar on the Sneer's head. The same scar his bird gave to the dragon years ago. The Master can't be fooled knowing he wants to kill his new student. Well, actually the Master can be fooled as the Sneer produces the stolen magic scroll. Oh noes it is not a magic scroll it is now a serpent. Bye Master.

Well before the Master dies he manages to tell the hero he's the Lord's son and that the Master was killed by the Sneer. So it's double vendetta time! The girl is all gee I really like to help and all but I still got to go find my father. She visits her grandmother, though maybe it's not her grandmother in the original version. Grandmothers don't usually melt into the earth. Anyway, granny gives the girl a magic spider stick. She can use it to call the mother of all spiders but only once. Plot Point!

Our hero does hero things. Like saving boys from runaway carts and then using his immmense magical strength to lift the cart. I love this. They don't give any rules for the magic here, but after play D&D for years the idea of a buff, superstrong magician tickles me. The family is suitably impressed and they go off together into town. This turns out to be a bad idea. The guards are everywhere and they are wise to who the hero is. The old man of the family tries to convinces the guards that the hero is just his stupid son in law even to the point where he's beating on the hero. This tactic works for like five minutes. Then the guards and the lead baddy kill grandpa. Ooops. Maybe the hero should have started acting like a hero about ten minutes earlier.

Well, he makes up for lost time. He soon has the guards in a magic circle and has made the lead baddy pee his kimono by conjuring up the spirit of his dead father. He should have just killed him there, because suddenly the Sneer teleports in. Sneer and Hero have a battle. The Hero, though, is at a disadvantage so it's splitsville. They also split the rest of the family. The Sneer gets the daughter and the Hero gets the brat. Obviously the Sneer came out ahead in that one.

So time passes, and the word gets out. The son of the original Lord is back and he's a badass. The funny thing is that is the Sneer that's letting the word out. See he has his own plans. The lead baddy is about as smart as jello pants, so why not get rid of him and get rid of the hero then PRETEND to be the hero. It's not like there was a Facebook at the time, no one knows what he looks like. It's the perfect plan.

So the Hero is back on the water. Doesn't seem to be a good place for him. Soon water ninjas attack and the kid in his care gets half drowned. The kid is saved by the girl with the spider stick who now has an old bandit type by her side. Hero and girl compare notes and other things and obvious they have a thing for each other. But there's a problem. The girl has finally found her daddy. Her daddy is the Sneer. SURPRISE!

The Sneer is all, well I dumped you for a magic scroll and I never write but you is my baby and you do what big daddy tells you to do. This being Japan in feudal times it flies better than it would now. The Sneer wants her to poison the Hero to save him time and special effects. So later she does indeed poison the hero, but he's still breathing so she will have to finish him off. But she can't do it. Her mentor/companion/guardian? tells her either she has to do it, or he will have to take care of things.
She still can't, so he takes his sword and kills the ninja hiding behind a grill so word won't get back to the Sneer. Whereupon the Hero pops up all better, though a bit put out by the half hearted attempt on his life. Still, doesn't take long for true love to mend the fence and now they are one big crew looking to take out the baddies. The daughter is even ok with the Hero killing the Sneer. Guess he should have sent her a birthday present or two over the years.

Well the big baddy decides to dangle a little lady bait to get the Hero to come to him. The Sneer kills his daughter's companion. Things are now set up for an incredible ending. Not to give too much away but it involves giant flame throwing toads, spiders, and dragons. Lots of fun for everyone.

If I were to remake this, mostly I would just up the special effects to a decent level and fix some of the obvious goofs the Hero makes. I would love to keep intact the manic speed and fun.

Quick Draw Okatsu

Ah, this is a sixties female samurai flick.  If you haven't seen one, they are certainly worth looking at once.  They tend to be pretty much along the same lines, but then so are westerns.  It's the variations of the theme and the personalities of the actors that make them what they are.

The story here is simple, Okatsu is the daughter of a sensei of a famous sword school.  As such she has learned her father's skills, but of course being a woman she's not going to take over the school from him.  Unfortunately, her brother who should take over the school just isn't into it.  In fact, he runs away with a girl.  Things get complicated when a corrupt magistrate decides to use the situation to his advantage.  He tries to take the school, and Okatsu's body.  Soon enough father and brother are dead and Okatsu who has been wronged now seeks vengeance on all who crossed her.

It's an exciting action packed story.  The sword play is fine and it thankfully doesn't get too kinky or anything.  Everyone has their acting knob turned to "11" which might not be the best dramatically but is certainly very fun.

Godzilla Vs. King Ghidrah

Awarding the craziest Godzilla movie would be as tough as judging the cutest baby.  I have to say, though, that Godzilla Vs. King Ghidrah would have to be a top contender.  I mean this in a good way of course.  This a film that is certainly never boring.

We start out with a normal day in Japan.  A giant UFO is flying over the country.  Who knows maybe it's an ELO reunion tour.  Meanwhile, a journalist who picked the wrong time to tire of writing about UFOs is working on a better story.  See he's found out that in WWII some japanese soldiers were saved from the Americans by a dinosaur.  His theory is that later atomic tests turned the dinosaur into Godzilla.

Amazingly the two events are connected.  The aliens aren't aliens.  Their UFO is a time machine and they are from the future.  They want to stop a catastrophy involving Godzilla.  They have the Journalist's yet unwritten book about the origin of Godzilla and propose that they go back in the past and stop the dinosaur from getting a 30,000 degree atomic sunburn (that would make you cranky too),  Seems like a plan so everyone gets into the time ship and it's forward to the past. 

Everything goes according to plan, just not to our plans.  The people from the future have their own agenda and replace the dinosaur with three way too cute flying bat/hedgehogs.  They get the nuke and they turn into Ghidrah.  SURPRISE!!

Turns out the folks from the future want to hurt Japan not save it, because in the future it becomes too strong.  Luckily for us one of the future folk decides to join our side and we now have a new plan.  Find the dinosaur and give it a nuking with modern nukes.  Well now we get a bigger and stronger Godzilla.  Let the battle begin.

This is just crazy for crazy.  Love it.  The monster fights are well done.  And for once the humans aren't in boring side stories.  Also got to love their little homage (ok, out right theft) of the terminator as the future folk sic their android on us.   Definitely worth a watch!

Strike Witches

"Strike Witches" isn't by any means anything new in the anime scene, but it is certainly a mind blowing puree of ideas. Once again, the Japanese have gone that extra step into bizarro land and we can all enjoy it.

Firstly, this belongs in the fascinating sub-sub genere of "What we really did during the War." See WWII is cool. Great battles, neat planes. All the things that just ping onto an otaku's heart. Trouble is, they were on the wrong side. So they just can't gleefully play Japanese fascists with guns. So there has been this genre which is generally described as "Well, yes there were bad japanese folks but the real Japan was fighting... ALIENS!" In "Strike Witches," it goes the extra step of creating an alternate world. In this world in 1939 nasty aliens that look like big bombers have invaded the world. They are nigh impregnable, and pack a lot of energy weapons.

Oh who can stop them? Why witches of course. See there are witches in this world and it seems to be a generally known fact. So far, all the witches I've seen are pretty young girls. They must be keeping the hags and boys some where else. So now we got a little Harry (Harriet) Potter in WWII action, but see the witches aren't strong enough so they need something else.

Well, that something else are these THINGS. Think about someone telling a metal worker what a panty hose is and then that metal worker comes up with his interpetation of that. Now add a couple of tiny wings on the bottom and PROPS. Yes, a pair of spinning blades. Ladies don't cross your legs!

How does this work? Oh easy enough. The witch (who is always wearing short shorts of course, what isn't explained is why the camera must be a dwarf given camera placement) slips her dainty legs into the tubes and then there is a rush of magic. Suddenly she gets cutesy ears and maybe an oh so cute little tail. She then grabs a REALLY BIG GUN, and flies up to kick alien butt.

No.
Really.

Our story follows plucky young Japanese witch. She has an affinity for healing power and tends toward pacifism.  She's contacted by the eye patch wearing leader of the Strike Witch to join up, but she's not interested.  She becomes interested when she learns her lost daddy help built the leg THINGS that the strike witches use.  So now she's the newbie of an elite squad of giggling girls in short shorts and REALLY BIG GUNS.  Somewhere an Otaku has died and gone to heaven.

Suicide Club

I've mentioned this one before, but really if you need to see the very weirdest from Japan this has got to be on your list. Not for the faint of heart mind you the film starts with eighties school girls cheerfully jumping in front of a speeding train. I can't think of a more bloody beginning of a film.

The film then gears into the strange. The police find two bags. The first bag contains skin of the people who have committed suicide. The second constains skin of those who haven't yet. There's a website that charts who has died. There are hackers and creeps who are trying to figure out the mystery on their own. The Police are freaked out and confused and by this point of the film even a musical interlude doesn't seem too far afield.

I can't say I understand this film, but I can say it engrossed me. Certainly, if you are a horror fan, or a fan Japanese film you have to watch this.