Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Brides of Blood

Sometimes you have to go back to the past to find something incredibly horrible.  Michael Bey isn't going to live forever after all.  "Brides of Blood" is from the Philipines at the beginning of their golden era of bad film making.  In the future they will be making Roger Corman women in prison pictures.  So some of the directorial decisions in this film are not so mysterious.

Like say how about a rape and seduction in five minutes?  Yeah right.  Ok, so a ship is coming into a remote island and it contains a scientist, his slutty wife, and young hot stud.  Slutty wife gets grabbed by sweaty crewman gets her clothes ripped off and forced into sex which she then likes.  Meanwhile, science hubby blathers and hot stud looks intently.  We haven't even reached the island folks, let's cool our jets.

On the island there are folks doing a tribal burial.  As they pass various body parts fall out and slutty wife screams.  Seems like something on the island is ripping young women into a jigsaw puzzle.  The natives are restless, mean, and out of sorts with unwanted guests.  Luckily up on the hill in the Spanish plaza there's the local mad scientist.  Now I know most mad scientist like a dwarf as an assistant but this guy has like seven.  They are like Ompa Lompas in diapers.  His head man is dressed like a genie.  So he's got style at least.

On the way to his lair they find that the island changes at night.  At night trees will suddenly have fakey looking branches that will wrap around you.  There are other threats though.  The natives are sacrificing their beautiful maidens to a horrible monster.  Hey, did you ever try the ugly ones first?  The monster is pure lump of clay with teeth.

The scientist explains the island was on the edge of the nuclear bomb tests.  So they got some of the bad mojo radiation.  Somehow that means at night some of the wild life changes.  Example, a butterfly becomes and ugly thing on a wire with teeth that gives a bite.  Obviously the big clay lump monster is a man who is turning into a monster.  But who could it be?  Hmmm. Hmmm.

The rest of the movie is obvious but in a bad fun way.  The monster rips off clothes.  Attacks women while seeming to have an asthma attack.  The hunk saves a native girl.  The Scientist and Wife die for dumber than stumps.  The natives at the end are so happy when the Monster is killed there's at least ten minutes of native dancing/seizures followed by lovemaking.  Awwww the end.

This is an incredibly bad movie, but that's its virtue baby.  If you can't dig it don't buy the shovel baby!

1 comment:

  1. Lazarus, I'm sure your review is more entertaining than the actual movie! lol