Friday, August 31, 2012

Today's Secret Code:

There are the awakened and the sleepers. Do you know what you sound like when you sleep? again: There are the awakened and the sleepers. Do you know what you sound like when you sleep? Today's Colour is an Emerald Scarlet. Today's Author dreams still of waking. That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Fire King Does NOT Like His Time Wasted

Things You Need To Know #237

No one knows where the Hungry Man comes from. Some hint that he is of the Never Born. They say that what was Never Born can Never Die. The Hungry Man does not speak of this. On his name though he says this, "Hunger is just temptation. It can be sated but then it will only return just as hungry and then all I have done was destroy something in this universe for that temptation. So, hungry I am, and hungry I will be. I will not do any cruelity for that vanity." The Hungry Man knows many secrets and is good company if you can ignore the roaring growl of his belly.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Bob

Source:  Twin Peaks
Location:  The Black Lodge or your brain
Threat Assessment:  7.  A spirit capable of possessing the living he is murderous and insane.
Limitation:  Often trapped in the black lodge

Today's Secret Code:

Through the darkness of future past, the Magician longs to see, one chance out between two worlds: fire walk with me. Again: Through the darkness of future past, the Magician longs to see, one chance out between two worlds: fire walk with me. Today's Colour is a reflective rush of red. Today's Author is a Bookhouse boy. That is all, maho maho.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Of All Goblins Hemogoblins are the worst

A bit of style

Because sometimes the world is even weirder than I am...

Things You Need To Know #236

There is an ancient well that has been forgotten in the Red Hook district. It is in the sub basement of an old warehouse hidden by boxes. At the bottom of the well is one of the last Free Doors. It can be a gateway to anywhere a person wishes. It can only be used once per person but it is very powerful magic.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Orcs

Source:  Lord of the Rings
Location:  Middle Earth and gaming tables
Threat Assessment:  5.  Everyone's favorite minions.  Strong and blood thirsty.
Limitation:  Generally not smart or pretty.

Today's Secret Code:

We are all blind men with elephants and God help the poor soul who thinks he has the trunk. Again: We are all blind men with elephants and God help the poor soul who thinks he has the trunk. Today's Colour is a Martian Magenta.  Today's Author is looking for truth with a laser and keeps getting burned.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Witch in the Gables

She has forsaken the Earth for the Heavens
She sleeps with the ravens and jackdaws
and wakes with the insects of the night

Things You Need To Know #235

The Purple Pony Club was once a high society affair where the blue bloods would spend the weekend riding horses.  Of late it's been invaded by Bronies of a particularly mad type.  They are trying to teach horses to speak.  Unfortunately, they are finding out you can lead a hose to culture but you can't make it think.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Coyotl

Source:  Grimm
Location:  Portland
Threat Assessment:  6.  Basically a pack creature the vessen known as Coyotl are well disciplined and work well together.
Limitation:  They are obsessed with racial purity.

The Secret Code On the Day Your Driver's License Expires*

"10 and 2."  Again:  "10 and 2."  Today's Colour is green all the way.  Today's Author excels at parallel dimensional parking.  That is all beep beep, maho maho.

*Give the secret code that day to the third person in line at the DMV and get a valuable prize!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Today's Secret Code

Don't ask and I won't tell. Don't buy and I won't sell. Again: Don't ask and I won't tell. Don't buy and I won't sell. Today's Colour is a nice 665 THz. Today's Author is either poised or poisoned. That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Glarix

The Glarix are rather friendly aliens
They are homebodies however
staying on their little world
as the model the rest of the universe
on hydrogen atoms

Evolution of a Villain to Hero: Taskmaster

The Taskmaster was one of my favorite "B" tier villains.  Oh he looked like the usual costumed yahoo but what set him apart at the beginning was that he had a BUSINESS PLAN!  His power was a simple though powerful one.  He had what her termed "photographic reflexes."  He could watch an olympic gymnist do his routine then do that exact routine perfectly.  Doesn't take long for him to make himself a master of weapons and unarmed combat.  He dresses up like Death at the opera and arms himself with a replica of captain america's shield, Daredevil's baton, a sword, bow and arrows and oh yes.... guns.  Being the villain does have some advantages.

But what to do with this amazing ability.  Of course he could kick the hell out of any over the hill security guard but its not like his skill set is made for bank robberies or grand plans to take over the world for that matter.  That's where the genius of the concept of the Taskmaster takes over.   What he does instead is start up a series of schools mostly for henchmen and minions to teach them to at least be half way useful in a fight.  He's paid very well and usually he's not bothered by the cops or supers.  Oh, sometimes Spiderman or Daredevil would stumble into one of his schools and there would be a fight but it was no big deal specially since the Taskmaster had absolutely no problem running away and starting somewhere else.

Eventually the Taskmaster is forced/persuaded to help the good guys.  He begins, for example, training new recruits for the Avengers.  A sea change begins not in the character but how he's perceived.  Like other popular antiheroes like Deadpool he is becoming "cool."  The Taskmaster mini-series continues the trend to the point where the Taskmaster has been retconned into always being a hero.   This is done through the medium of amnesia.  It seems there's a cost in using his power and that cost is that it shoves other memories into his unconscious.  So often he awakes without any knowledge except a sense of guilt that he is "bad."  He is then guided by the mysterious Org which has a deeper purpose than teaching glorified thugs.

It was quite a trick of Marvel to give what was once just a snarling crook a sense of pathos.  People who do retcons should look over the Taskmaster mini-series to see how it can be done without ripping what originally made the character cool to shreds.

Things You Need To Know #234

John & Grimes Minatures Limited have had a long standing business in compacting giants to normal size. It's not a painful operation and after a day or so of bed rest a fifty foot giant can enjoy life among his other petite friends. Size does matter.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Jumanji plant

Source:  Jumanji
Location:  Jumanji game
Threat Assessment:  5.  Poisonous darts, tentacles, and big gaping maws. 
Limitation:  Part of the game, has to follow the rules.

Today's Secret Code:

I wear seven league boots in a six inch world. Again: I wear seven league boots in a six inch world. Today's Colour is that of a fine Corinthian leather. Today's Author is reading a Corinthian letter and is not a cereal killer. That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

The World Serpent Cries the Oceans Into Being

Comic Books That Need To Be Made Into Movies: Suicide Squad

It there is one problem (only one??) with living in a comic book universe is that heroes eventually rack up an impressive collection of C and D list villains. Hey, not everyone can be the Joker and some poor schmoe had to be the Kite Man (...really Kite Man... that's just so lame. That's looking out the window and working with the first thing you see. I'm surprised that issue didn't have the terrifying Paper Weighter!) Anyhooo, the question is what do you do with a prison full of costumed loonies. Oh sure, they are mostly as dangerous as a water pistol, but then anyone can have a good day and no one wants to be killed by Crazy Quilt.

So eventually the Suicide Squad was born.  In concept it's simple the government needs a squad of disposable assets for those "sensitive" problems that require a permanent solution.  The villains are promised time served if they survive and keep their mouth shut.  There's a core group that keeps the whole crazy thing in motion and a revolving door of supervillains who either are going to buy the dirt farm or get out for another day of beer and pizza.  It was always fun to weigh the odds on the survivability of these  idiots.  Sometimes you knew nothing short of an a bomb was going to get them like when a biggie like the Penguin pops in for a caper.  On the other hand, someone like the Kite Man... well I wouldn't be buying long term mutual bonds if I were him.

Anyway, it would be great as a TV show as sort of a back door look at the DC universe.  It would have many of the advantages of the Justice League without, you know, the Justice League.  It would present a huge crazy universe where talking apes and new gods hang out, sometimes at the local bar.  Because these are mostly low level losers the writers hands would be free to tell any story and practically anyone can die at any time.  Besides, a suicide squad movie or TV show would have Captain Boomerang who is one of my favorite losers.  Loud, brash, and never knowing when to shut up he's a walking stereotype of both Australians and criminals.

Anyhoo,  that's just my two cents. 

Things You Need To Know #233

The Word of banishment to the Haneyville Horror is "TERGO." The Word of Control for the Salisburg Troll is "OBEDIRE." The safe Words for the Luton Succubus are "Satis! Nupta sum vobis dimidium videlicet, supernaturalis prostibuli!" Best say that last one fast.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Sarlacc Pit

Source:  Return of the Jedi
Location:  Tatoonie
Threat Assessment:  3.  It basically just lies there.  If you get too close a half hearted tentacle might snake out to finish the job.  The only real nasty thing is supposedly it takes a thousand years to be digested.
Limitation:  It just lies there. 

Today's Secret Code:

An apple a day is just what the serpent proscribes. Again: An apple a day is just the serpent proscribes. Today's Colour is a scaled down scarlet. Today's Author is a snakeologist with a hissstory. That is all, maho maho.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The Aura Revealed

Things You Need To Know #232

The Gloort is a minor fairy that has found home at the Morningside Funeral Service Provider and Florist. The Gloort likes all the pretty flowers. Sometimes all that crying is bothersome. Sometimes when truly irked he'll give the gift of laughter to one of these crying humans. Suddenly tears turn to laughter that cannot stop. Other mourners put it to hysteria.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Snake Arrows

Source:  Conan the Barbarian
Location:  Around evil magicians
Threat Level:  6.  Basically a poisoned arrow with the ick factor of it being a snake ewwww why does it have to be snake.
Limitation:  Has to be aimed well.

and here is the less feared chicken arrow

Today's Secret Code:

Things have gone pear shaped and there's a donkey in the ditch. Again: Things have gone pear shaped and there's a donkey in the ditch. Today's Colour is Sol yellow. Today's Author is putting his knows to the grindstone and getting to be pretty sharp. That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Last Picturre Ten Seconds Before Xicha Xi Learned How To Breach the Circle


This just a great film. I feel all gushy about it. I even showed it to my mom (a rare event our tastes are light years apart), and was amazed how much she liked Jack Black. So if a film can bring us together on anything it has to be a pretty special little film.

It's based on a tale of true crime. See Bernie, here played by Jack Black, is an assistant funeral director in a small Texan town. He's oddly enough the life of the party, the spring in the step and just about the nicest guy you'd ever meet. Oh, he wasn't perfect he had a problem with shopping too much and folks would gossip on whether or not he was gay or not; but over all life was good for Bernie and everyone liked him.

Things change for Bernie when he sets sights on the meanest old woman in town. Who knows why, maybe it was a challenge to him. Maybe he really did believe that everyone had some good in them. Wrong. It quickly becomes a toxic relationship where Bernie is trapped because he's simply too nice to tell her to take a long walk off a short pier.

Well, suddenly the meanest woman in town is no longer in sight. Bernie makes excuses and proceeds to spend her money (on her behalf, of course) to help the town. Eventually this will not stand and soon the town is filled with the gossip that Bernie has killed the old hag. The rest of the film follows the town's reaction and the trial.

This is a great little low key film. What really brings it to life is the acting of Jack Black and Shirley MacLaine. I've always liked Jack but sometimes he doesn't choose good vehicles and he can go over the top in his acting at the drop of a check. Here, he's restrained and just perfect in the role of the soft hearted Bernie. We also get to hear him sing something different than rock and roll. His gospel renditions are just beautiful. Shirley MacLaine doesn't have a lot of lines in the film but she really sells her wicked witch character just by body language and a lemony face. She's more prickly than a porcupine with a bad case of static shock. Together they are truly an odd couple, but they sell it so well!

Things You Need To Know #231

There are five shadows on the Bridge of Hooks where there should only be four. There are only four horses left on the Rockyview Merry-go-round. There are only three sides visible in Crofter's Square. There are two sides to every coin, every argument, every angel and demon. There is only one Mr. Hat, and we must always be thankful of that.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Chemo

Source:  DC Universe
Location:  Generally around Metropolis
Threat Assessment:  8.  Giant plastic outline of a man filled with every toxic chemical imaginable.  Super strong, durable, and a walking Haz-mat.
Limitation:   Practically mindless.

Today's Secret Code:

Never trust a tall dwarf, he's lying about something. Again: Never trut a tall dwarf, he's lying about something. Today's Colour is the indigo tango. Today's Author is looking for the joke with a microscope. That is all, maho maho.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Qui%tottot0101

It is truly an alien creature to human understanding
the Qui%tottot0101 is an intelligence by community
Each pod has its own dream, it's own sense, and agenda
they fight each other in the space between ticks of the clock
and the new order determines the thought of the Qui%tottot0101

Things You Need To Know #230

Whistling Joe can conjure a wind with a song and, if he really put his heart in it, a terrible storm. He gets the gift from his mom who is an elemental. Despite her gift they are estranged from each other. There are just some expectations a mortal can't live up to.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Tanuki

Source:  Japanese Legends, the movie Pompoko
Location:  Japan
Threat Level:  3.  Natural tricksters they generally mean no real harm.  These raccoon dogs can change shape.  They are also oddly known for they large and versatile testicles.
Limitation:  They like too much to play tricks and have a taste for sake.

Today's Secret Code:

If you put instant coffee in a microwave will you go back in time? Again: If you put instant coffee in a microwave will you go back in time? Today's Colour is a fussy fizzy fresh pink. Today's Author is cooking with gas, blame the beans. That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

She Rests

It was hard to see
his end
and harder to speak
of it to him
Now in quiet of her aura
she rests

Things You Need To Know #229

The city of Worthy Ohio is now in retirement.  It is not on the maps, nor can be found by the wandering traveller.  The mail finds it way to the citizens of Worthy, but there's never much.  Worthy is a sleepy town that has decided to bed down for a long, long rest.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Mauvais Dentes

Source:  Grimm
Location:  Anywhere
Threat Assessment:  7.  A wessen that can turn into basically a humanoid saber tooth cat.  Can take out an entire village on its own.
Limitation:  Likes to toy with prey

Today's Secret Code:

"Nothing cures like a good laugh or a long nap." Again: "Nothing cures like a good laugh or a long nap." Today's Colour is a sleepy shade of green. Today's Author is remembering the joke where the linguistical confusion between "would I?" and "wood eye" was something of the punchline. That is all, maho maho.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Fire Walk With Me

On Legit Raping

Ok, if one actually looks at the interview it's clear what he was intending to say. He was trying to get across the concept that pregnacy in cases of rape is a lot less common than most people might realize. Unfortunately for him language was not on his side. What was he going to say, "Well in cases of REAL rape," or "Most claims of pregnancy from rape did not actually come from rape." He was a done bird before he opened his mouth.

My problem with it, is whatever the science is no one has claimed it is IMPOSSIBLE for someone being raped to become pregnant because no one is that big of a horse's ass. Once you admit it's possible then you have to ask the question of are we going to give women more grief after the trauma of rape by putting them through some sort of third degree to prove they were in fact raped? I think most people know the answer to that one in their hearts.

An Idea

I have an idea for a book or a movie. I'm thinking of calling it "The Sultan of Salton." It's set on the Salton sea which is a massive ecological disaster. The plot is that a billionaire from Dubai has come to Salton to build a dream resort. He's being helped by a local conman who's audacious plan is to bomb the farm canals to cause massive flooding that caused the sea in the first place. The Sultan therefore is buying land along the old shoreline, but even in a place as devestated as the Salton sea there are hold outs.


Things You Need To Know #228

Que Chan Li offers over the internet a DIY kit on summoning flying monkeys. The downside is it costs 10,875 dollars in materials to form a golden cap. The upside is that it kit itself only costs five fifty. The other downside is that one must spend five hours a day standing on one leg practicing the phrase "Hi-lo, Ho-lo, He-lo," for at least three weeks.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Undead Phylllis Diller

Source:  The Bone Yard
Location:  Morgue
Threat Assessment:  7.  Infected by demonic asian undead children Phyllis Diller grows huge with nasty claws and so does her poodle!
Limitation:  Demons aren't too smart it turns out.

Today's Secret Code:

To see who is in control, look to whom you aren't allowed to criticize.  Again:  To see who is in control, look to whom you aren't allowed to criticize.  Today's Colour is the healing shade of blue.  Today's Author is waiting but not for Godot.  That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Master Of Ceremonies

Come inside, come inside
the show, the big show
is about to go full blow
come inside, come inside
see the wonder, see the dark
it's all about the heart
Come inside, come inside
the show will never end
but you can't miss a thing
and a circle join'd
is then forever a ring

The Portal

I now dread seeing a flaming horse running in the night. That is the logo of Maverick Entertainment and they are for all practical purposes the dregs of the industry. They are the guys that will buy the films the Asylum won't touch. Still, every dog has its day and "The Portal" is at least a false dawn.

It's not a good movie but it is certainly heads and shoulders above Maverick's usual fair. There's definitely a sense of ambition you don't usually see. Even the casting is better going from E and D list to at least folks you might have heard of like Roddy Piper, Stacy Keach and Michael Madsen. Each do their little bit of scene chewing and certainly help keeps up interest.

The plot is folks fear that there's a new Ebola type virus going around. It's certainly a rather nasty thing since people generally die with their heads blowing off. Well it shouldn't surprise folks that it's not a disease. Rather, folks have been finding the Portal (in this case a picture) and looking at it. Howard would tell you that's a bad thing. At first though it's nice, it's like drug high nice. Unfortunately, something comes through the portal and comes after you and then you are bleeding all over and your head explodes. Can Stacy Keach tell our young doctors how to avoid intent head aches? Well you'd have to watch to find out. If you are a horror fan there are some interesting things here and some atmosphere so it isn't a total waste.

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #45: Dark Dorthy

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

Once upon a time a magical being was travelling between dimensions. She was resting here on Earth 32aa when she heard someone crying. She floated over and saw a young girl huddled in an alley crying. Her heart was touched and she asked the girl what was wrong.

"The world sucks," said the young girl. "There's no one to help or protect me," and she turned around and her eyes grew huge as she saw that the lady before her was floating in the air and held a strange glowing wand. "Wow," she exclaimed, "you are like the good witch in the 'Wizard of Oz!'"

The woman nodded having had this happen before. People without magic try to rationalize her into whatever belief structure they had. "Yes," she said kindly, "you can consider me a good witch. Is there some way I can help you?"

"Can you take me to Oz?" Asked the young girl.

"I'm afraid not," the Good Witch said shaking her head. She didn't mention she didn't know anything about this Oz or even if it really existed.

"I wish I could go there. Then I could find friends. There was the Scarecrow who was made of straw and awfully smart. There was the Tin Woodsman who was made of metal and had his trusty ax. There was also the Lion who was King of the Beasts. If I had those as friends no one would ever hurt me."

"Sometimes my dear we have to protect ourselves. If you could pick one of these friends who would it be?"

The girl just shook her head and said she couldn't decide.

"Well that makes it rather difficult, but I shall try my very best." The Good Witch waved her wand and said several words of might. The results were better than even she could hope for and the young girl was amazed as she tried on one form after another. The Good Witch felt very happy that she could help this girl and when the girl now in her lion form came her paws extended the Good Witch opened her own arms to hug the child.

Unfortunately, they weren't ever in Kansas. Nor was that Dorthy anything like the Dorthy in the books. Some would say it was environment, some would say that she was just born bad, but Dorthy Vickers was as mean as a rattlesnake and had about as much compassion. In one move she killed the Good Witch and took her wand. Since then Dark Dorthy as she called herself has been involved in everything from bank theft to murder.

She never could get the hang of the magic wand. The wand worked on the principle of the Golden Rule and since she stole the magic and often used it for evil purposes it would often as not boomerang on her. For example, in a last ditch effort to escape the Authorities once she pointed the wand at a police car hoping to blow it up. The car instead turned to carmel and that actually kept the police from series injuries as they were slowed as the pushed through the gooey mess. As for Dorthy she had to hide for three months because she was constantly crying chocolate tears. Still, it's a powerful magic item so Dorthy keeps it just in case.

Dorthy's main power is she is able to take on three other different forms based on the main characters of the Oz books. As the scarecrow she finds herself able to think better and move very fast. She has self taught herself parkour and it was easy since as she is made of straw she can safely fall from nearly any height. After a few early accidents she's also doused herself with flame retardant. As the Tin Man (well woman) she's made of metal and has an incredibly sharp ax. As the Lioness she is a beast of great power and deadly claws and bite. She can slip from form to form almost instantly and is a deadly hand to hand combatant.

She has recently posted on VABI forums asking for help in understanding occult sciences. Since the story of her origin has been passed around it is understandable that there has been a lack luster reply so far.

Things You Need To Know #227

The Church of the Scarecrow is made of straw. To be exact a steel superstructure thatched with fire retardant treated straw. The Windows are all stained glass representations of various Tarot versions of The Fool or Key Zero. At the front below the traditional Crucifixion is an accurate version of Baum's Scarecrow on a pole.  The creator of the Church "Balmy" Lemmy Long argues that the scarecrow is a modern incarnation of the Holy Fool, what he lacks was not reasoning but experience.  He lived life the perfect innocent.  There is a lesson there, so he says.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Glowing Green Ball

Source:  Heavy Metal
Location:  Anywhere in space time
Threat Assessment:  In theory a 10 as being a personification of evil, in reality spends most of the time terrorizing a little girl who kicks his ass so that brings it down to 3.
Limitation:  Will you PLEASE stop talking!

Today's Secret Code:

The Tin Man shows the difference between moral instinct and ethics. Again: The Tin Man shows the difference between moral instict and ethics. Today's Colour is what you will. Today's Author recalls someone saying that love is the law and law under will. That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

A Reminder...

The life on Mars wishes to remind you
Becareful what you wish for
(also they do not validate parking)

The Corridor

The Corridor is a good example of what "Lovecraftian" horror should be. It's not about slime or alien things with names we can't pronounce without getting roaring drunk. Lovecraftian horror is about the human brushing up against something that defies our concept of a rational universe. In that moment humans suffer something of a psychotic break as they find themselves unable to cope with an inhuman (dare we say ahuman) universe.

In The Corridor several friends are spending a weekend in the woods. Supposedly just to have fun and guy binding, but really it's an attempt to heal. One of their numbers did have a literal psychotic break and in trying to help him several of his friends were hurt. Even though they "know" it's not his fault there is still considerable tension.

It gets worse as our recently ill character finds the aforenamed corridor deep in the woods. At first it doesn't seem much, sort of like a force field in the shape of a small room. Still, it's clearly unnatural and messes with our fellow's search for mental health. When his friends find out it definitely messes with their happy. At first I figured they wouldn't find the corridor and so the film would put the shakenly sane character against his friends. Lo and behold though they do find the corridor and as they go in the corridor grows.

Now, on face of it at this point while weird it's no more weird than say the Mystery Shack in Oregon. But there is some other force at work that grows turning them against each other as everyone's sanity is attacked. Whatever the corridor is, and we never learn really what it is at all, it seems to be trying to communicate with the men and it is turning them all crazy. The only one who's fighting against it is they guy just coming out from being crazy.

This is definitely an interesting film and worth watching. Certainly worth thinking about. Always be careful where you place your feet. One step can be the beginning of a journey.

Things You Need To Know #226

The Dandy Lion Sun is a chinese restaurant in LA. They have replicated the mutant amphibian recipe from the movie eXistenZ. Order the special and don't be afraid to dig in.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Heavy Metal Dude

Source:  Heavy Metal
Location:  Space station.
Threat Assessment:  7.  Super strong, unstoppable, unkillable.
Limitation:  Greedy, not too ightbray

Today's Secret Code:

When you have rabid ferrets in your pants, the choice between boxers or briefs is acedemic. Again: OW OW OWWWWWW! Today's Colour is whiter shade of pale. Today's Author is going commando! That is all, maho maho.

Friday, August 17, 2012


Everytime you curse a Rage spirit is born

Things You Need To Know #225

The Detroit Doodle Bug is something akin to spanish fly. Extracts from the small flying beetle can excite a person's love life. The trouble is that it can sometimes lead to the development of secondary sex characteristics, the inability to communicate except via arias, and dreams of deep rosicrucian mysteries. If these side effects occur or if you are still sexually arroused two weeks later see your doctor and consult your sacred scrolls.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Mask Doggy

Source: The Mask
Location: In the City, the big big city
Threat Assessment: 7. Armed with a mask that can allow him to do what ever he wants he is able to unleash his doggy id to the upmost.
Limitation: Still a dog, and a good one at that. Also the mask only works at night.

Today's Secret Code:

"Stupidity is a function of humanity; ignorance is the beginning of wisdom; wisdom is the knowledge of ignorance."'  Again:  "You're doing it wrong."  Today's Colour as a bright banana yellow.  Today's Author is unpredictable in a game of hearts.  That is all Al, maho maho.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Today's Secret Code:

If everything is to stay the same then everything must change. Again: If everything is to stay the same then everything must change. Today's Colour is an indecent indigo. Today's Author is androidially annoyed. That is all, maho  maho mayo.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Joe Kidd

One of the children of the generation of genetic expansion
His DNA intertwined with that of goat
Joe Kidd is a small time criminal
in a city the size of New England

The Red Murder Pauses Between Jobs With Satisfaction

The Three Stooges

The Farrelly brothers have done some funny stuff, but I don't trust them. Maybe they get into a zone and don't realize it but sometimes they cross the line for me. This was clearly shown in the movie "Dumb and Dumber" when Jim Carrey sold a blind kid a dead bird with it's head attached to it by tape. This wasn't dumb, or even dumber it was just plain mean.

It's that mean streak that sometimes pop up that made me worried when they took on the Three Stooges. The originals were no shrinking violets so it seemed to me that it would be easier to go over the line. Luckily that didn't happen. The movie is a very respectful of its main characters.

That is unfortunately the problem of the film.

Quite simple "respect" and "Three Stooges" work about as well as a matter/anti-matter cocktail. While the Stooges in this film do some pretty wild anarchic gags the tone of the film is just a little too laid back. Like in some bad comedies there's a sense that the film is waiting one extra beat to let the audience laugh it up.

The plot is straight out of the old shorts. The Stooges have been raised up in an orphanage by nuns. The orphanage is about to get shut down so the boys have to go raise up and outrageous amount of money in a month. As they search for work they accidently get involved with a murder for hire scheme and meet again an old friend who got adopted by rich parents at the expense of Moe. That last little subplot really has no place in a Stooge's film as it leads to a too gooey "I luvs use guys" moment.

It's not all bad though. Will Sasso made a fine Curley, and Larry David was great fun as Sister Mary-Mengele. Some of the gags were fairly good slaps stick and there were points where I admit to a smile and a chuckle. So if you are a fan it is definitely worth a look.

Things You Need To Know #224

There is an entrance to the Hollow Earth under Disneyland. Walt Disney is not frozen. He is enjoying retirement with the last children of Atlantis in a deathless city of gold.

Villain of the Day: M Bison...OF COURSE!

Source:  Streetfighter ....  OF COURSE
Location:  Shadaloo .... OF COURSE!
Threat Assessment:  7.  Owns own army and high technology, ties to the criminal underworld and is a master of hand to hand combat (all together now)  OF COURSE!!
Limitation:  The good guys always win ...... like of course dude...

Chuin's Code of the Day:

"Koreans are the best of the human race and Sinaju is the sun the shines on all martial arts.  Again:  No, I will not repeat myself to American pig ears that will not listen.  Today's Colour is that of a dawn of the day after the end.  Today's Author is the great Teacher who has found Shiva Destroyer of Worlds and his name is Remo.  Now I am supposed to say "Maho Maho" but I will not say "Maho Maho" because that is silly and I am missing my soap operas."

Monday, August 13, 2012

War Mystic and Conjured Hunger Spirit

Some mystics have learned how to be nearly consumed
by the spirits they summon
like throwing gas on a fire
It is a dangerous thing to do
but if you need someone to burn
that is the thing

Things You Need To Know #223

There is a yellow fungus that only grows on the backs of blind turtles in a pond in a cave that only Cully Michgazar knows the location. This fungus when dried and smoke offers visions of past civilizations that have not been discovered yet by modern science.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster Of the Day: Goro

Source:  Mortal Kombat
Location:  Interdimensional Underground Kingdom
Threat Assessment:  Besides being super strong, having four arms and a stone cold killer he is also a general of his own army so we'll give him an 8.
Limitation:  Pride and honor.

Today's Secret Code:

Nothing shows the American spirit more than when we compete even if just competing to see who's more humble.  Again:  Nothing shows the American spirit more than when we compete even if just competing to see who's more humble.  Today's Colour is gold, gold, GOOOOOLLLLD.  Today's Author is either trying to score a goal or his goal is to score.  That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Rip Spike, News Anchor of the 23 Century

People still need an Authority to read them the days event
A helping hand in a chaotic world
Rip Spike is one such hand his show on the dream band
has billions of followers

Films That Need To Be Remade: Remo Williams

The Destroyers is not a good series of books. Don't get me wrong there. They are knock offs and deal in cheap thrills and flesh. Yet, still they are written with enough self knowing humor as to make them a genuine guilty pleasure. In 1985, they tried to translate that fun to the big screen with mixed results and poor box office. In keeping with my theory that you should remake poor films before classics Remo Williams is a prime candidate.

The problem with the movie is three fold. First is sadly the lead. I love, dearly love, Fred Ward. He was the saving grace in Tremors. But, he's very wrong for this role in ways that I really can't put into words. It's like hearing a song you like being played all in a minor key if you can get that. He lacks the intensity that the character needs. Add to that a so so script and less than so so directing and you have a definitely lack luster film. The only really shiny part is Joel Grey who played Chiun with energy and humor.

Having said all that I should probably enlighten those readers who haven't read the series about what the Destroyers are all about. Remo Williams is our hero. He's a cop who's been railroaded on false charges and given a faux execution. When he wakes up he finds himself under the power of CURE a CIA knockoff that has been collecting information on organize crime. His highly illegal job is to kill those criminal elements that CURE has highlighted as dangers to the nation. To do this he is put under the wing of a very cranky master of the martial arts named Chiun.

The beauty of the Destroyers is in the father/son role that Chiun and Remo form over time. Add that Chuin is practically an eighty year old superman with his unique form of martial arts and you have a fun read full of action. A movie should be no less fun.

Now Chiun is a Korean and he always wants you to know that, but at this point in time Jackie Chan would be my number one choice to play Chiun. The man still has the chops to kick ass and he definitely has box office value. The part of Remo is harder to cast, I suppose in a dream world I'd love a Matt Damon to take the role but that wouldn't be likely. The main thing is you need a director with a lot of energy to take on the project. There's a lot of talent from Hong Kong available but maybe even someone odder like Tarsem Singh to give it a really novel visual feel. Really it wouldn't take much to make this an incredible action experience.

Things You Need To Know #222

The Hair Geode is a large cavern in a cave system in Kentucky. The Authorities keep regular people from it but it is not otherwise hard to reach. Fine black hair lines the entire chamber in some places three feet deep. In the middle of the chamber there is the source of the hair; a naked sleeping man. No one knows who he is and no known force on earth can harm him. His hair grows and grows.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Sleeping Beauty Dragon

Source:  Sleeping Beauty
Location:  Guarding Castle
Threat Assessment:  7.  Gigantic and fire breathing.  It takes a real Prince Charming to slay it.
Limitation:  Availability of Princes

Today's Secret Code:

The Devil loves the law because it's just another game and he cheats. Again: The Devil loves the law because it's just another game and he cheats. Today's Colour is a vile violet. Today's Author tries never to play for more than pennies. That is all, maho maho snake eyes!!!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Pythonic Seer

These seers are very cool and collected
no rash dreams of end of the world
The are good at foreseeing books
and other papers

An Etopian Howler Bush

A water plant found in the great shallow run offs
it stores up water in its central trunk and if disturbed
releases the water into special channels
these channels are connected to great open mouths
when the water is released a great howling noise comes
out of each mouth sure to scare most animals

Things You Need To Know #221

Sometimes being the melting pot of the world is a disadvantage.  For example, there is now a were-hyena in Yuma.  So far she has been good and has masked her animal kills as the work of coyotes.  The trouble with were-Hyenas though is it never lasts.  The spirit in them makes them so hungry that it is only a matter of time before she breaks down and hunts human flesh.  For your own safety do not accept rides from any female driver in Yuma.  She might have you over for dinner.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Weird Girl of the Prairie

Source:  Grim Prairie Tales
Location:  Alone on the range
Threat Assessment:  5.  Seemingly pregnant woman needs a strong man to protect her.  That night she is strangely unpregnant and wants sex.  DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER.  You will be sucked up inside, and a seemingly pregnant woman walks away.
Limitation:  You really have to be sort of stupid or horny to fall for this.

Today's Secret Code:

Holey books are still often watertight. Again: Holey books are still often watertight. Today's Colour is parchment yellow. Today's Author has never lost a language. That is all maho maho.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Semi Conductor Rasi M Yasi Seeks Inspiration

Rasi M Yasi often gets inspired by trips through the cacaoprism
the wealth of imaginary colors and unbound sounds can bring
strange inspirations

Movies That Should Be Remade: Doc Savage

Before comics there were the pulps and they like comic books became very specialized.  There were science fiction pulps, mystery pulps, horror pulps, and as a precursor to the modern comic book the adventure pulps.  Of these one of the best selling characters was Doc Savage, Man of Bronze.  His origin was fairly simple:  the son of a rich man who sought adventure and public service he was trained by his father in a regime that was tantamount to child abuse to become a paragon of humanity.  Gathering five men during the war to be his aides he begins his quest for adventure, to help the weak, and punish those who need it.

Now one doesn't have to squint too much to see where the creators of Superman got some of their inspiration.  After all, there's not that much difference between "The Man of Bronze," and "The Man of Steel."  He also shares one special problem with Superman; he's extremely hard to cast in a movie.  In 1975, they thought they found him in Ron "Don't Call Me Tarzan" Ely.  Thus was born the movie "Doc Savage."

The movie was a bomb.

The reasons are sadly easy to see.  While having the body Ron really didn't have the charisma to be the paragon of humanity.  The script wanted to be campy but came off more as dull.  The production just looked cheap and tired.

This will not do.

We need a new Doc Savage.  We need someone who's not afraid to seem corny in his heroism.  Besides one advantage that Doc has over Superman is that he has his five aides to play comic foils and easier targets for the bad guys to menance.  Say this folks Superman was never smart enough to cart his own personal criminal lawyer with him.  Oh and that lawyer happened to be a master swordsman with his sword cane that was laced with a tranquilizer drug.  Yeah, take that Gloria Allred.  The Lawyer is nicknamed "Ham" because his buddy "Monk" successfully framed him when they were in the army of stealing hams.  He did that because Ham had taught him some words to say in the language of a visiting foreign general that turned out to be less than flattering.  Monk is himself quite a character.  A genius level chemist but he looks almost like an ape with his long, hairy arms.  He also tends to act as the groups "Curly," he's never afraid to express himself in the most colorful of PG level manners.  That's just two of his aides, bring in the other three plus beautiful cousin Pat Savage and you have a rich host of characters to bounce off any plot.

So someone bring back the Doc.  Let's take home the Bronze!

Things You Need To Know #220

The Gay Gator is a dive bar in New Orleans. For all that it's not a bad place if you don't mind trash decor.  For an extra five bucks Ficky Minn will make you a crocodile tear.  It's a horrible drink and will leave the back of your throat feeling it was scrubbed with steel wool.  We won't mention what your tongue will experience.  Some patrons are quite the fan of the crocodile tear because they say after a few you will catch what you want.

This was something you needed to know.

Monter of the Day: Robot Monster

Source:  Robot Monster
Location:  Earth and their home planet
Threat Assessment:  10.  Killed everyone on Earth.  Well, a few were left but that was just a miscalculation.  A scientific genius with high technology and ape strength.
Limitation:  First all logical then fell to the power of love.

Today's Secret Code:

"It took fungi fifty million years to learn how to decompose wood. There is always time." Again: "It took fungi fifty million years to learn how to decompose wood. There is always time." Today's Colour is ebony. Today's Author is still just the little acorn. That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A Rare Picture of Dr. Oblidoop, Foreign Lecturer From The Rifthoam

Mega Psychic Monkey Wants You To Know....

I will I told you so on October 23, 2015
and you have no one to blame but yourself
and that Luthanian accordian tuner

Shakes the Clown

I was never a fan of the comedy "Stylings" of Bobcat Goldthwait. His killing a rooster vocal delivery just made my head ache. Didn't help that he was a part of the Police Academy series which surely must have scarred a generation of film goers. Will the horror never end?

Then I saw "Shakes the Clown." I can now say that there is indeed a thinking, creative person named Bobcat Goldthwait and I very much like this Bobcat. Some critic called Shakes "The Citizen Kane of drunken clown movies." While that's a bit of an overstatement what we have here is a truly mature work of art that marries comedy with a rough down and out edge reality not out of step with Bukowski.

Shakes is a clown and he's an alcoholic. No, Shakes is an alcoholic and a clown. As a clown he's actually pretty good, even when half crocked he can do amazing clown things. As an alcoholic though Shakes is a shambling failure of a human. He's destroying his relationships specially with his Elmira Fuddite girlfriend and bowler played by Julie Brown. His friends can't trust him. His work is slipping and he faces firing. Oh and he lost his chance for TV to the town's most unfunniest clown Binkie the coke head.

Binkie though couldn't leave well enough alone and when he kills Shakes boss he sets Shakes up to take the fall. Shakes now is truly motivated to stop drinking and find out just what is going on. It leads to the underworld of clown culture. It seems there is a distinct pecking order. Party clowns beat up on mimes and rodeo clowns beat up on everyone. Shakes has to take responsiblity. He has to take control. He has to stop waking up in strange ladies homes being peed on by little kids. It shows how good a film this is that you are really drawn into his plight even as you savor the absurdity of Shake's world.

Here's one of the songs on the soundtrack here

Things You Need To Know #219

Room #32 at John Barleycorn Memorial is never used. The bed is always crisply made and fresh flowers are by the side. The TV is always on tuned to an in hospital station that broadcast soothing music. The older staff sometimes visit and they are never left unmoved. They though never tell anyone what happened in room #32. Some secrets are just too painful. The tears flow still.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Cell

Source:  Dragonball Z
Location:  Earth
Threat Assessment:  9.  In his own words:  "Like Piccolo I can fully regenerate as long as my core remains. Like the Saiyans my power increases greatly after I heal from near death, and like Frieza I can survive anywhere."  Add super strength, flight, the ability to absorb people for their power.  This Android is a constantly evolving nightmare.
Limitation:  None really.

Today's Secret Code:

"Never milk a cow with cold hands." Again: "Never milk a cow with cold hands." Today's Colour is a sunrise special. Today's Author can't be kept on the farm. That is all, maho maho.

Monday, August 6, 2012

No One Ever Saw Nate Brillman Again After Opening the Helius Codex

Mega Psychic Monkey Wants You To Know.... more banana joke and he will jerk your forebrain through your ears and play hand ball with it...

(he's a little upset, come back tomorrow)

Garvity Falls

I love this cartoon. It has the vibe of "Eerie Indiana" and a teen "X-Files."  Brother and sister Dipper and Mabel find themselves with their Uncle Stan who runs a gift shop at Gravity Falls.  It seems to be one of those places where all the weirdness in the universe collides and the kids try to keep up.

It's just fun.  There's some real wit here.  I love the characters.  The animation is simple but lovely and fluid.  This is certainly the sort of cartoon I'd have my kids watching.... at least til there are reruns of "Animaniacs."

Things You Need To Know #218

Martin Nitram can see the ghosts of fires past. It is not a comfortable gift but it has helped him in his career as an insurance investigator. It's when the fires talk to him that really give him trouble. He's addicted to cigarettes and pepto as stress relievers, but he never lights up. He can't stand those little tiny flames following around saying "Daddy."

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Ghost with Bunny

Source:  Shock Labyrinth
Location:  Scary building in both past and present.
Threat Assessment:  8.  You can't escape fate and you can't escape the little girl and her bunny.  One way she kills is by staging her accidental fall on your head.  Ouch.
Limitation:  Limited number of victims.

Today's Secret Code

"When they bring the sjamboks out then it's time to tip the waiter, grab your coat, and exit stage left." Again: "When they bring the sjamboks out then it's time to tip the waiter, gra your coat, and exit tage left. Today's Colour is a pixilated peach. Today's Author is looking for his springfield nitro express. That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Things You Need To Know #217

It's a well known fact to those in the know that the few unicorns still alive take human form. John Johnson in Atlanta is one such hidden wonder. He can't quite give up his former glory. He keeps his horn in pocket. Incredibly sharp, indestructible and full of magic might. Some people brushing by him make the wrong conclusion but he really does have something horny in his pocket.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: piranha

Source:  Piranha
Location:  River system
Threat Assessment:  7 as a group.  They shread a person to nothing in seconds.  They breed fast.  They swim fast.
Limitation:  Still fish.  Probably taste nice with lemon.

Today's Secret Code:

"When the leopard is charging don't count the spots." Again: "When the leopard is charging don't count the spots." Today's Colour is a bright carmine. Today's Author is burning bright in the forests of the night. That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

A Yuri Cyclops in Traditional Greeting Stance

The Yuri Cyclops believe
in letting friends and foes
know from the beginning
that they are ready to fight

A Spirit Regio

The Regio are spirit kings
the elements bow to them
and the rule is either
just and odd
just odd

Piranha DD

The original Piranha was a decent monster movie with some sly humor here and there. The remake was crass and vulgar but in a rather delightful way. The sequel is jut crass and vulgar. Worst of all it's lazy. It does nothing new and just apes the plot point of the first nearly beat for beat. When it adds something you can beat it was from some other film. It's like, "Hey remember Planet Terror? Let's give Ving shotgun legs!"

The plot involves a water park run by a sleazy corrupt step father of our final girl for this film. How sleazy is he? Well he's installed strippers instead of lifeguards and has a nude swimming pool armed with "Cootch Cams." He's also spreading graft and bribes around so he can secretly pump his own water and not be on the grid. Said water is of course filled with killer piranha and everything else works pretty much like you think it would.

The special effects are on par with the first film. They try to up the ante on the violence but scenes involving an unknowing three way between man, woman, and fish just wind up being ugly and not scary or darkly funny like in the first one. The cameos also are ham fistedly inserted into the film. Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhamses manfully handle their woefully underwritten scenes. Gary Busey, though, just looks lost and David Hasselhoff was just sad. Admittedly, his role was suppose to be a sad role in that he was playing "himself" as a washed out overaged celebrity hasbeen, but there is no bite to his role to lift it up to something like comedy.

Look, it's no worse than most straight DVD horror films. But it disappoints because there was more money here, some decent actors and at least a pedigree of entertainment. Instead we get tired, lazy, and stupid writing supported by mostly lack luster acting. It's just sad.

Things You Need To Know #216

The Native Americans along the Klickitat river share a story of a secret cave under the waters of that fast flowing river. It is said that in that cave is the Daughter of the River who is very beautiful when happy and a monster when not. If you visit, bring gifts and your manners.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Centipede

Source: Centipede
Location: Either a tiny glade or a vast alien place with giant mushrooms and giant killer spiders
Threat Assessment: 7 (In relation to the shooter still not sure if it is a giant centipede or not) A murderous and fast centipede barrelling down on you. Shoot it and it will likely split into TWO murderous and fast centipedes. Each segment shot turns into a mushroom which can provide cover for the beasts.
Limitation: Single minded and mortal.

Today's Secret Code

"May your enemies be attacked by honey badgers in a desert of legobricks next to a Bieber concert."  Again:  "May your enemies be attacked by honey badgers in a desert of legobricks next to a Bieber concert."  Today's Colour is a violent cream.  Today's Author is merciful.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, August 3, 2012

The Boddia

The Boddia are a warrior race
small and quick
their skin is poisonous
and can cause a quick death

Things You Need To Know #215

The pike in Lake Wammigupa has become something of an alcoholic. It has taken now to tip over small fisherboats in the hopes of attack six packs of beer. It really doesn't mean any harm but there is now a small army of dunked fisherman who want that pike on their walls.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Ghosts

Source:  Pacman
Location:  Maze
Threat Assessment:  8.  They touch you, you die.  They also seem to know where you are in the maze and zero in on you. Can't permanently die.
Limitation:  Power Pill allows them to be eaten.

Today's Secret Code

I'm a manbling ram, I mean a rambling man. Again: I'm a manbling ram, I mean a rambling man. Today's Colour is sky blue. Today's Author is a pickin' an' a playin'. That's all, maho maho.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Ghoul Witch

The Ghoul Witch has an exalted status in Ghoul society
The Ghoul Witch reads the future for each Ghoul born
It is said that they can tip fate for a Ghoul at a reading
if favored with gifts and meats of unnameable origins

The Gernish

The Gernish are a stoic race
they rarely laugh or cry
they have no poetry
and sing only
once in a

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

In "The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy," after much research Ford Perfect declared the Earth to be "Mostly Harmless." I could apply the same rating for this movie. Kids will like and adults can sit through it rather painlessly with an occasional chuckle.

The movie has Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson playing stepfather to a rather wild teen.  He is searching for his Grandfather whom he believes is on Jules Verne's Mysterious Island which is a real place.  After about a minute of code breaking they figure where it is and go off to the South Pacific.  There they hire Luis Guzman and his daughter to fly a helicopter to the island.  Obviously it wouldn't be a Mysterious Island if it was easy to get to and they crash.  They also find the Island to be a mismatch of big animals now small and small animals now absolutely huge.  In this mess they find Grandfather played by Michael Caine with a lot more joy than one would expect in a part like this.  Together they try to get off the island by trying to reach Captain Nemo's submarine.

I like the interactions between the actor.  Caine and the Rock form an amusing prickly relationship.  They both want on the best for their boy and try a bit of semi friendly one upmanship over him.  Guzman on the other hand forms an almost puppy dog attachment to the rock.  He happily plays Sancho Panza to the Rock's pec rocking Don Quixote.  Josh Hutcherson and Kristin Davis form an appealing couple that aren't so much sweetness and light that it would want to make you gag. 

The special effects are all right.  I didn't see it in three D, but I can tell that it was definitely part of the design of the film and not carpentered up over it in post.  The overall design is eye catching and colorful.  If I have a couple of problems with the film they are just small nagging logical problems in the situation.  For example, the island supposedly sinks on a regular basis.  What happens to the giant animals when the island sinks?  Enquiring minds want to know.

Things You Need to Know #214

The Flea's Crown was once worn by the Flea King before his unfortunate death in the Great Scratch of 1917. Since then it has fallen from one collector to another. If someone could harness the power of the crown they would find themselves in total control of all creatures that feed on blood.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the day; Gorf

Source:  Gorf
Location;  In orbit
Threat Assessment:  7.  The Galactic Orbiting Robot Force (Gorf) is large, a nearly endless supply of robot ships that do different missions.  They can shoot weapons and fly with great speed.  They seem to coordinate well together.
Limitation:  They tend to be prone to patterns which can lead to their defeat, at least til the next wave.

Today's Secret Code

Katika jungle, jungle nguvu, simba kulala usiku wa leo.  Again:  Katika jungle, jungle nguvu, simba kulala usiku wa leo.  Today's Colour is the brown of the long grass in high summer.  Today's Author has dated Lucy.  That is all bwana, maho maho.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Queen of the Great Southern Singularity

La Yuix of the Sisters of the Dragon

La Yuix is well versed in Kung Fu North style
Kick Boxing Petite style
Head Bashing Blackheart Inn style
and lacework


Ok, sometimes you just have to get slapped in the face with the proverbial fish to get out of a funk.  This month has been rather lacking in films of the OMG variety.  There's been some nice films to be sure, but sometimes you aren't in the mood for nice.  You want the extreme, you want the crazy, you want a film that will fish slap you silly.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you..... "Detention."

This is just brilliant.  The creators must have watched every teen film from "The Breakfast Club," to "Heathers."  Then they watched every slasher film, and then topped it off with "The Back to the Future" films.  Then I am fairly sure they took more than their share of drugs and probably my share and the state of Kansas' as well.  Then after they woke up from their coma they went and made this film.

To talk about the plot really wouldn't convey just how crazed this film is.  Let's just say it does involve the following:  detention, prom, slasher, explosions, datings dos and don't, and a stuffed time travelling bear.  Every film should have one of those.  The amazing thing is that they managed to be so original while uprooting whole scenes from other films.  You will be watching and you'll just about say "Hey that's from "The Breakfast Club."  Before you can finish your thought though you get fish slapped with something just from the left field of absurdia.

Definitely go see this, and bring friends.  Bring strangers.  Bring strange friends!

Things You Need To Know #213

The Abstract Wardrobe is a small band of demons of the mundane who strive to kill wonder from the world. Mr. Socks will take small things of great beauty. Mr. Coat loves to destroy colors. Mr. Suspenders can bore to tears with a single word. They never talk about what Mr. Hat does, but they fear him so.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Berzerk robots

Source:  Berzerk
Location:  Some unknown maze
Threat Assessment:  6.  They come in great numbers.  Some can shoot lasers at you.  The worst is the big bouncing bot of doom.
Limitations:  For robots they aren't very smart.  They are as likely to shoot each other.

Today's Secret Code:

Knowledge is the source of all wealth. Even with gold you must know where to find it, how to refine it, and how to communicate to others its worth. Again: Knowledge is power, power is wealth, but wealth will not get you to heaven. Today's Colour is pure ivory. Today's Author is learning still. That is all, maho maho.