Monday, January 2, 2012

Rare Exports

There is actually a large amount of "Killer Santa" flicks.  Mostly they aren't REALLY Santa, but some looney in a red suit generally with an ax.  I suppose there's a part of the Santa legend that was always creepy.  After all, he's sneaking down chimneys and seeing who's naughty or nice.  Doesn't take much of a leap for that sort of power being misused. 

"Rare Exports," is about the REAL Santa Claus.  He doesn't need a Krampus, he punishes the naughty kids himself.  Permanently.  According to the lore in the film a bunch of finns finally got tired of this and dropped Santa into a frozen lake.  They then later chopped out the Claus cube and buried him under a mountain.  These folks were SERIOUS. 

Well, in modern day some English wank has figured out where the real Santa Claus is and has a team to dig him up.  He's even given them special safety rules like "No Cussing," and "No drinking."  Don't want to be naughty around the Claus.  Guess what, folks didn't take English Wank serious.  Oh dear, now Santa is out killing reindeer and that's only the beginning.

Killing all the reindeer does catch the attention of local Finns who needed those deer for money.  They are seriously cheesed off.  They also don't listen to their kids who have figured it all out five steps ahead of the adults.  Luckily, these are tough guys.  One fellow gets his ear bit off and instead of doing the pain dance and heading to the hospital just manages to look more cheesed off.  See, they capture Claus and he's seriously creepy.  He's like seven feet tall, weighs maybe fifty pounds, long scraggly beard, and is very unkillable and likes ear biting and killing kids. 

Oh, and he's nude.  You think sitting on the lap of the mall santa was traumatic?  Try facing Nudey Claus.  Ewwwwwwwwwww.  Anyway, our Finns decide to try to sell Claus back to the Wank for the money they lost from the dead reindeer.  Seems like the perfect plan, unfortunately there's a little plot twist that will put everyone's parka in a twist. 

This was a good fun, and imaginative movie.  It was creepy and fantastical along the lines of "Pan's Labyrinth" but lighter in tone.  Maybe it's not your cup of christmas cheer, but it's certainly different.

1 comment:

  1. I really didn't have a clue what to expect with this movie but it was a good watch--not the fast paced riot of say, Santa's Sleigh or Jack Frost (not the one with Keaton!), but still a very interesting watch. I really was concerned for the kid(s) stress level, with his knowing and no one are very intuitive and yet get dismissed so frequently. Like our inner voice that warns us something is about to happen.