Thursday, August 29, 2013

Today's secret code

The world spins on fate's loom.  Again:  The world spins on gate's loom.  Today's Colour is Jasmine rose.  Today's Author gathers his pearls.  That is all Charlotte, Maho Maho.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Today's Secret Code:

The fires that burn hottest are fueled from below.  Again:  The fires that burn hottest are fueled from below.  Today's Colours are blue and grey.  Today's Author likes Poe-try.   That is all Edgar, Maho Maho.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The Priestess OiiO

Hell's Highway

So I'm watching the credits.  First I notice the cheap shot on video feel of the affair.  Always a danger sign.  Then there is something about the names of cast.  Nothing so much about any one name but as a group it began to sound like I had accidently rented a porno.  Then the name Ron Jeremy pops up.  Oh crap.  There's something inheriently embarrassing about recognizing who Ron Jeremy is.  If you don't then treasure your ignorance.  It became obvious that some porn company was branching out and this was the result.

They should go back to doing money shots.

The story is there's a valley and lonesome stretch of road.  There the devil has claimed a woman and the desert for his own.  Said woman looks like a hitchhiker and is good at killing people.  A bunch of young lunkelheads drive through and get their butts kicked, shot and chained sawed by devil lady.  It's all fairly standard slasher stuff with some really horrible (as in badly done) make up.

Oh and if you get to somewhere near the last five minutes there's a twist.  Wheeeeeeee....

Things You Need To Know #435

The Briar family have an odd genetic condition called simply "The Weeps."  It seems that some family members have their nervous system cross wired.  What brings pleasure or humor becomes expressed as tears and sorrow.  It's not that they don't find the joke funny, but their body expresses itself in tears rather than laughter.  It's all the more ironic that the family is generally extremely well off and lives in a beautiful, peaceful town.  Their lives are so good that sometimes they just fall on their knees weeping at the joy of it.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Big Stone Hand of Doom

Source:  Netherworld
Location:  Down South
Threat Assessment:  6.  Stone hand that flies around and can have a snake head finger.
Limitation:  Tied up in rules of magic.

Today's Secret Code

Dreams are the wise man's toys.  Again:  Dreams are the wise man's toys.  Today's Colour is amber.  Today's Author will slumber.  That is all Dimitri, Maho Maho.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Today's Secret Code:

Man should not consider his material possessions his own, but as common to all, so as to share them without hesitation when others are in need.  Again:  Man should not consider his material possessions his own, but as common to all, so as to share them without hesitation when others are in need.  Today's Colour is purple but not purrrple.  Tooday's Author considers the infinite.  That is all Tommy boy, Maho maho.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Today's Secret Code:

Sufi saying:  before you speak let your words pass through three gates:  the first gate is "Is it true?"  The second gate is, "Is it necessary?"  The third gate is "Is it kind?"  Again:  Sufi saying:  before you speak let your words pass through three gates:  the first gate is "Is it true?"  The second gate is, "Is it necessary?"  The third gate is "Is it kind?"  Today's Colour is jet.  Today's Author is not a jet setter.  That is all Nasrudin Hoja, maho maho.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

I love the DC Nation

Things That Should Be Remade: The Secrets Of Isis

Well DC seems to have troubles getting a Wonder Woman movie off the ground.  Really how hard can it be to believeably make a film involving an Amazon Princess and her invisible plane?  Oh well, at least they are trying.  Marvel I'm looking at you, come on where is your film involving a strong female super hero?  Oh....Electra.... nevermind.

Anyway, while we are waiting why not bring back that heroine from Saturday morning?  No, not Electra Woman.  I'm talking Isis.  She's actually fairly classy and camp free.  Wearing her magic amulet a humble science teacher is turned into the mighty Isis.  She has lots of neat powers like commanding the elements and flying.  Her costume is simple and elegant.  She always seems very much in control and poised.  Really what's not to like?

Well, first off the budgets were strictly Saturday morning which means I spend more washing my car.  Also the scripts tended to be rather mundane with general "let's teach a lesson every episode" deal going on.  Really, they couldn't even dig up a villain for Isis?  How hard can that be when you have Egyptian mythology as source?

So, with all this in mind I submit that Isis would be a good candidate for a remake.  The right actress and a script that's more "Buffy" and less "Super Friends" would make this work like a charm.  Add a good villain, I don't say Set, and you my friend would have either a decent TV show or a film that could clear a good hundred and fifty million.  Either way we are all winners.

Things You Need To Know #434

Panmorphs are rare even in the world of shapeshifters.  They can literally become anything.  Wind, air, energy, symbols.  Nothing is limited to them.  The trouble with panmorphs is that they tend to forget who they are.  You spend so much time becoming the perfect squirrel and you forget that you really aren't a squirrel.  A lot of panmorphs lead quiet lives as a rock or a cloud till some trauma forces them to change again reawakening memories of who they truly are.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Dead on film

Source:  Record Live
Location:  Studio
Threat Assessment:  Film stock that acts like it is alive.  It can get under doors to eat you alive!  Give it a 6.
Limitation:  Seems happy to stay in the studio.
Personal note:  This short scared me as a kid.

Today's Secret Code:

Rosa rubicundior, lilio candidior, omnibus formosior, semper in te glorior. Again: Rosa rubicundior, lilio candidior, omnibus formosior, semper in te glorior.  Today's Colour is found in the lillies of the field.   Today's Author hums an elfin lied.  That is all Lucy, Maho Maho.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Rapture Palooza

Well I don't toot my personal life too much on this blog, but I am a Christian.  I suppose that means I should be mad at Rapture Palooza as it is a very irreligious take on Christianity.  Honestly though, I appreciate its questioning scripture in a comedic light.  This is mostly a rather light hearted look at life after the rapture.  It's set in Seattle and has sort of that Seattle mindset all over it.  Our most final girl is trying to get along after half the world disappears but it's not easy.   The locusts are a pain.  The rains of blood are hard on the car.  Let's not even talk about the wraiths and the fiery rocks.  Even the small things in life like foul mouth crows just make life that much harder to endure.  But she's the plucky sort and she has an equally plucky boyfriend so they make a go of it.  Unfortunately, the Beast thinks she is some sweet meat and you don't say no to the beast.  So the couple has to decide whether to fight the beast or not.  Their decision will either save or destroy the world.

I liked the first half of this film a lot, it is a fun little look into a generally dreary subject matter.  The second half though drags a bit.  Not enough to destroy the film but it does kill a lot of the earlier good will.  Also I admit the end left me a little uneasy faith wise, but that's just me.

Things You Need To Know #433

The Tcho Tcho really exist.  On the plateau of Leng they do their hideous and insane rituals to the great old ones.  The younger generation though have begun to buy cell phones and go to business schools.  They understand that there are no prophets to the Great Old Ones, but they do enjoy profits.  They have learned to wear the skin of others so you cannot even tell them for their Tcho Tcho brandings.  But they smile just the same.  Oh so hungry, and not a hint of humanity.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the day: Locusts

Source:  Rapture Palooza
Location:  The earth, Seattle specifically
Threat assessment:  -1  Mostly an annoyance.  They bite and yell SUFFER!
Limitation:  Fairly dumb and squashable.

Today's Secret Code:

Aha!  The sun always shines on TV.  Again:  Aha!  The sun always shines on TV.  Today's Colour is a mellow yellow.  Today's Author heard a blasphemous rumor.  That is all Bela because you are dead, maho maho.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Things You Need To Know #432

The great yellowed book worm eats only books of the highest order.  Every thirty years that generation goes through a metamorphosis and become invisible moths.  They are attracted to great intelligences like lesser moths are to light.  Before dying they impart two things:  strange knowledge and their eggs.  Both can spur a man to great genius ....or madness.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the day: Mad crows

Source:  Kaw
Location:  Rural
Threat Assessment:  singular 5 as a group 7.  Being bit by one may make you contract mad cow disease.
Limitation:  They will eventually die.

Today's secret code

Do not feed after midnight, don't rip off the tags under penalty of DA LAW, don't tug on Superman's cape, and do not pee facing the wind.  Again:  Do not feed after midnight, don't rip off the tags under penalty of DA LAW, don't tug on Superman's cape, and do not pee facing the wind.  Today's Colour is a coherent shade of blue.  Today's Author is an AmeriCAN not an AmeriCAN'T.  That is all Senor Trejo, maho maho.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Domo, domo, domo, domo......

Scary Movie 5

Right, faint damnation/praise:  This is not as bad as the last two installments of the series.  Perhaps there is still hope for comedic parody.  On the other hand it is still a Scary Movie movie so prepare yourself for tangents  that go nowhere and jokes involving toothbrushes and dog rears.

So I was surprised right off the bat in liking Charlie Sheen's little take on paranormal activity.  I enjoyed how they turned the amateur video fast forward trope into a Benny Hill take on it.  Love the clowns getting under the covers.  From there the film coasts a bit before settling into a paranormal activity/moma track that for the most part works.  What doesn't work was trying to shoehorn the Planet of the Apes and Black Swan into the mix.  That pretty much is like mixing a good mole sauce with pickle juice and stewed prunes.  It is not advised.

So for cheap laughs and low expectations you can certainly do worse.  Take a look at the "fill in the blank" movie franchise as a prime example.

Things You Need To Know #431

There is always that one extra thing in your pocket that you can't remember how it got there.  That is a zezlo.  It's a minor but nasty little spirit that pretends to be a bit of this or that or knick nack.  It likes to stay close to people to steal stray words.  The best way to get rid of a zezlo is to turn out all your pockets and empty your wallet or purse.  The last thing found should be thrown away immediately with the phrase, "Špatná věc, vraťte se do tmy a obtěžovat nikoho znovu."

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Great Old Ones

Source:  H.P. Lovecraft
Location:  Everywhere, nowhere.
Threat Assessment:  10.  Godlike alien intelligences that give the same concern for us that we give an ant...if that.
Limitation:  Have their own rules of conduct.  Like to wait for the stars to be right.

Today's Secret Code:

If this is the future where are the three breasted hookers with jet packs?  Again:   If this is the future where are three breasted hookers with jet packs.  Today's Colour is green.  Today's Author has fled the scene.  That is all Mr. Bean, maho maho.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sad, sad Kali

Fairy Tail

Ok we are in insane anime again.  For some reason D&D really hit a chord in parts of japan.  Ever since then there's been one show or another that basically throws out the RPG tropes and add a bit of Japanese madness.  Fairy Tail is a fairly current example. 

Here we have a world where magic is fairly common.  Still, the masters are respected and fear cause they have like mega magic.  Some of the best, though wildest of these, belong to a guild called "Fairy Tail."  One of these is our hero who was raised by a dragon.  He can eat fire and project it with ease.  Unfortunately he also has super motion sickness as his comedic cross to bear.   The series follows him and his friends as they go across the land seeking adventure.  To say this series is rather shallow is to give faint praise to puddles, but it's fun enough.

Things You Need To Know #430

The fossils of Parvus comestione organum anguillis still have a bit of nasty memory in them.  Looking like wiggly signs in limestone they still have residual hunger.  People who touch such fossils with their bare hand can leads to months of pain and extreme weight loss. A necromancer with such a fossil can be very dangerous indeed.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Giant Catapillar

Source:  First Men On the Moon
Location:  Duh, moon
Threat Assessment:  5.  Big and dumb.
Limitation:  Big and dumb.

Today's Secret Code

Happiness is knowing how to use the three seashells.  Again:  Happiness is knowing how to use the three seashells.  Today's Colour is a calming blue.  Today's author thinks he knows how to play the accordian.  That is all so let's all go to taco bell, maho maho.

Xithal Annak, Gommorean Sacred Police

Monday, August 19, 2013

Things You Need To Know #429

Always tip the third server serving you an extra 3.14%. Always tell Dirty Mary Martha that she is looking quite healthy for a leper. Always pick up a penny if it's heads up.  Always refer to snakes as "Sir" and crows as "Madam" regardless of sex.  Always try  the veal.  Always enjoy life as much as you can stand.

These were things you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Evil Ernie

Source:  Chaos Comics
Location:  Earth, The Afterlife
Threat Assessment:  9.  Given vast necromatic powers by Lady Death his goal is to cause "megadeath" in which he suceeded by causing global nuclear war.
Limitation:  Thanks to parental abuse he's something of an over compensating basket case who has a stalker relationship with lady death.

Today's Secret Code:

His sword was forged from steel, stibnite, torbernite, hutchinsonite, and chalcanthite with a kryptonite finish.  Suffice to say the forger did not live long.  Again:  His sword was forged from steel, stibnite, torbernite, hutchinsonite, and chalcanthite with a kryptonite finish. Suffice to say the forger did not live long.  Today's Colour is radium green.  Today's Author can't believe the things he's seen.  That is all shadowy ravine, maho maho.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Errors of the Human Body

There are two things worse than a mad scientist.  The first is a sad scientist.  The second is a whole mob of mad scientists.  This film spotlights both.  Our sad scientist just lost his son to a weird genetic mutation.  That even also made him lose his wife and eventually his career.  Now he gets a new job at some German think tank.  They are interested in his research in screening genetic mutations and he's interested in finding a place to lay low and lick his wounds a bit.

Unfortunately his plan fails as he falls between a former student and a rather crazed scientist who are sort of feuding over who owns what discovery.  Considering that the mad scientist (who looks like a Mr. Hugo doll on meth) is talking about infecting mosquitoes with viruses to turn people into communists it's safe to say the experiments are a little... out there.  All this plus the sad scientists deteriorating mental condition leads to a rather dark if unattended experiment.

This is a good thoughtful film.  Don't be put off by the slow pace.  It's all a very Croenbergian affair so just let the madness wash over you like a crazed white sound generator. 

Things You Need To Know #428

Never order the salad at Dryads.  Never order the sausage surprise at Benighul's.   Never order a night cap at Sad Mary's Bar and Girl.  Never say "Ploxidox" in front of dentaloid.  Never floss before a poetry reading by M. Nine Ghubta.

These were things you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Starscream

Source:  Transformers
Location:  Currently Earth.
Threat Assessment:  6.  Giant Robot that can become a fighter plane.
Limitation:  a tremendous twit.

Today's Secret Code:

The Rabbit hops out of the hole goes around the tree and then back into the hole.   Again:  The Rabbit hops out of the hole goes around the tree and then back into the hole.  Today's Colour is hemp.  Today's Author would rather be hitching than doing a rolling hitch off a bowline.  That is all Popeye if you'll give me a burger today, maho maho.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Try to Pass...

Hatchet III

The Hatchet series is created with being something of a loving tribute to slasher films special those of the eighties.  That's about it folks.  You want a series of films with a lot of gruesome deaths look no further.  Just don't expect anything like good drama, writing etc. etc.  About as good as the Hatchet series gets is allowing some horror favorites a little screen time to chew the scenery.  Now I like them but I figure normal people need a bit of warning.  Belt sanders are considered a weapon of choice.

So the third film starts directly after the first two.  This means that all three films take place in a space of three days which means our killer, Victor, has nailed about a hundred people in the space of seventy two hours which is certainly impressive.  Our final girl thinks she has offed Victor so goes to the police armed, covered in blood, and holding Victor's scalp.  Obviously she's no wiz at decision making.  The cops take her in and check out the crime scene.  Turns out, of course, Victor ain't so dead and takes out the well armed cops with hideous ease.  So now it's up the ex wife of the sheriff and our final girl to save the day if possible.

There are no spoilers here really.  If you've seen any slasher films you can predict everything with ease.  The make is appropriately horrid.  The acting for most of the soon-to-be-bodies is on the level of a pithed duck.  Oh, and bonus point for some Sid Haig action.  So there you go dear readers.

Things You Need To know #427

Maxwell's Olde Time Peas are no longer being produced.  If you can still find a can and open one, all I can say is mind the stench.  However, even as far gone as they are Maxwell's Olde Time Peas are the perfect ghost attractors.  Open up a can and every spectre or poltergeist in the area is going to come to it.  You have to ask yourself at this point:  Is this a good thing?

This was something you needed to know.

Today's Monster: Discworld Golems

Source:  Discworld
Location:  Anywhere where there is work needed
Threat Assessment: In theory a good 7.  They are very hard to destroy and extremely strong.  Nor do they need to eat or sleep. 
Limitation:  Luckily they are extremely ethical beings, so much so that instead of revolting they are buying themselves out of slavery.

Today's Secret Code

He wore a suit of satin, sandrak and  orpiment tailored by the shrieks of Rasavatam.  Again:  He wore a suit of statin, sandrak and orpiment tailored by the shrieks of Rasavatam.  Today's Colour is realgar.  Today's Author has the calduceus.  That is all Metal Men, maho maho.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Things You Need To Know #426

A picture of a girl's shoe in the middle of a road.  Six river stones smooth as silk.  A bobbin.  Seven spider webs twined around a rusty nail perserved in plastic.  A colt peace maker with the tigger welded so it is unuseable as a weapon.  These items form the texuerunt et serpens scriptor puzzle labyrinthum an ancient occult riddle few have solved.  Beware, to begin to unravel the clues starts a different level of play.  They will come up through the floors for you.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Christine

Source:  Christine
Location:  On the road again....
Threat Assessment:  6.  Killer car that can repair itself.
Limitation:  It's a car, stairs can be a bit of a problem.

Today's Secret Code:

One of the best things in life is to beat your foes and hear the laminations of their women.  Again:  One of the best things in life is to beat your foes and hear the laminations of their women.  Today's Colour is Krom's firery red.  Today's author has never punched a camel but has pushed a llama.  That is all Ahnold because it's hwamp day whooo whooo, maho maho.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

What Wonder Woman Always Needed: A Hot Car and a Surfboard

Japan is weirder and weirder

You might not have heard of Hitsune Miku.  You can be excused for that because she doesn't exist.  A collectiion of Japanese software, Histsune Miku is now a Japanese pop star and gives "live" concerts.  Gee, I hope someone has watched Macross Plus.

I'm told this is the biggest karaoke song in japan...

This from the live concert and frankly it freaks me a little out...

Speaking of weird, why screw with my rugrat memories?  Ohhhh Japan.....

Oh hey let's just go the dark place and give me nightmares for the rest of the night....

Maybe there's a bug in the software, seriously japan rewatch Macross Plus again before it's too late!

Things You Need To Know #425

Culler and Baldey is a detective firm that is very discreet and very expensive.  That clickity clack you hear as you enter into the office is one reason.  Few business have one blood typist much less two.  Izzy and Danzilla Maniqua soak type writer ribbons in blood of people of interest.  They then enter into a trance state and type.  Though they generally can only get one or two pages out those pages are full of secret truths.  Don't ask where the they get the blood, that's the job of the sanguine division.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Manny the Rat

Source:  A Mouse and his Child
Location:   The Dump
Threat Assessment:  if you are a small defenseless animal 10.  Trouble is everyone is a small defenseless animal in this movie.
Limitation:  Fate

Today's Secret Code

I'm going to make an amish terrium with a crowbar wrapped in lettuce.  Again:  I'm going to make an amis terrium with a crowbar wrapped in lettuce.  Today's Colour is punky puce-ster.  Today's Author is less a footnote and more of a toe hold in history.  That is all Mr. Green genes, maho maho.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Hellcat alert!

Panic In Year Zero

Panic In Year Zero is a fun film from the fifties.  It wasn't meant to be fun, being about nuclear war and all, but time can mellow a picture even against its will.  It was directed by Ray Milland and he stars in it so he's seriously committed to it.  In it he's just a normal family man taking his family on vacation.  Suddenly BOOM las Angeles is gone.  Really the city of angles now.  The survivors are hitting the roads like crazy and law and order go out the window.  Ray's character takes to lawlessness with an ease that seriously puts off his wife but in his eyes he's just being practical.  He needs to keep his family alive till order is restored, the question is can he do it?

It's just sort of amazing to see a major crisis occurring before the 24 hour news channels and cell phones.  Actually, I think the most scary thing abou the film wasn't the nuclear bombs but speeding like your nuts were on fire on two lane black top.  I know those are the type of roads that as a child my mom left fingernail marks in my arm as dad drove them like he owned them.

Anyway a good little film and morality play for the nuclear age.

Things You Need To Know #424

The Argentinian Fly is actually a small red beetle.  When ground with a bit of nutmeg it produces a deep lasting sleep.  Unfortunately males sleeping under Argentinian Fly have the problem of sleep priapism coupled with sleep walking.  Some have woken up in a tree with splinters in an unmentionable place.  They are  the lucky ones.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Doctor Bong

Source:  Howard the Duck
Location:  Secret lair
Threat Assessment:  5.  Dangerous and insane with the power of bonging his own head to get results.
Limitation:  Bonging his own head.  Plus probably being sued by Tommy Chong.

Today's Secret Code:

Given that there is not much difference between one end of a worm from the other, then does it really matter if the worm turns? Again: Given that there is not much difference between one end of a worm from the other, then does it really matter if the worm turns?  Today's Colour is perfect to let your freak flag wave.  Today's Author remembers his grandpa like Paul Bunyan.  That is all Babe, maho maho.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Gleintrolls are not subtle in their trickery

TV shows I'd remake: Swamp Thing

I find the "Swamp Thing" TV series horribly sad because it was produced by the same fella that did the original "Outer Limits." How can one guy be so right once and so wrong another time? Well, partly I blame that it was the beginning of basic cable series and the whole thing had a buck ninety five and the USA network was never noted at the time for quality. But really, I think the problem was a basic flaw in the narrative. Stefano was trying to set up the Swamp Thing and his nemesis Arcane as sort of cosmic narrators in stories around the swamp. The problem was that the Swamp Thing came off as the crying indian in TV commercials and Arcane a foppish putz and nowhere was there any reality present. There was no real reason why the Swamp THing Allowed the soulless and often clueless Arcane to continue to exist so the whole set up stunk up the place. Add a kid without Lassie and it just hurt to watch

. So what would I do now?

Well, the idea as Arcane as a constant villain isn't a bad one. It saves cost in production and gives us a consistent someone to hate.  I don't even mind his foppish side as that's a good persona to bat against Swamp Thing's more um.. natural mein.  What we need to do is follow the current book.  In the new series Arcane is an avatar of the forces of Death and Rot.  Swamp Thing is the avatar of plants and life.  They are natural opposites but it's alot harder for them to off the other as the are backed by cosmic forces.

It also helps that Swamp Thing's human main squeeze is now caught between the two forces and has her own powers and is not just a screaming ninnie.  Just this one basic change if added to good script writing and and some basic acting would make a 100% better swamp thing series.

The best thing about the latest incarnation of the loony toons

Things You Need To Know #423

Sweet Granny Heyjune's Lightning is the talk of those who crave the more exotic beverages.  Made from corn, water from the heart of the country, and dreams found in old wells it packs quite a punch but is smooth oh so smooth.  So smooth people often don't realize they are on the ground.  Over partaking in Sweet Granny Heyjune's Lightning can lead to religious conversion, new paths in industry, and seeing the truth whether you want to or not.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Sweetums

Source:  Muppet show
Location:  Muppet theater
Threat Assessment:  3.  He's big and strong but secretly very nice
Limitation:  Not the brightest muppet.

Today's Secret Code:

If being a mother was easy then fathers would do it.  Again: if being a mother was easy then fathers would do it.  Today's Colour is raspberry creme.  Today's Author does his best.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Mechacelestial Oriluni

When Ponies Go Bad

Some Music For the End of Breaking Bad

Villians and Blackguards #51: Doctor Hipponosis

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members

"Funny Animal" universes are not popular among VABI members to visit.  The reason is just they are too chaotic and frankly silly for even the more realistically challenged members of VABI.  Still there are always exceptions and they work both way.  Doctor Wilhim Hipponosis is a seven foot tall humanoid hippo who has come to our worlds because frankly he got tired of the chaos of his home universe.

Actually for a VABI member he's rather unassuming.  He has bought from us a whole package of fake ids and credit and uses those to reserve a suite at an expensive hotel.  He then comes to check in at around three in the morning where there is little staff.  Using his super hypnotic powers he has the few clerks there thinking they just checked in a large, fat man.  Once in his suite everything else is easy.  He keeps hypnotizing the the staff that he deals with to the point where they are just programmed to think of him as a big, fat man.  He uses the office in his suite to set up various scams and cons and has the poor grifted yutzes come to his suite one by one to get a razzle dazzle hypnotizing that leaves them no wiser but definitely poorer.  His cons are so low level that they generally fall below the notice of super heroes but it should be noted that besides his hypnotic powers he's  a seven foot tall hippo who can hit like a freight train.

Doctor Hipponosis has done some work directly for VABI as sort of an envoy to the funny animal universes those times we have found ourselves pained to contact them.  He has been most useful to us and we wish him well in his goal of just living a comfortable and somewhat humdrum life.


Things You Need to Know #422

The shine of the lunagamy diamond can bring a form of lunacy to the poor soul who gets a good eyeful.  They will see three moons in the sky.  Not just see but hear them, the two sister moons constantly croon barely heard melodies of the cosmo.  It is beautiful for the moment, sanity shaking after some time.  There is no cure for this malady save the kiss of a werewolf or the blessing of a blind gypsy.  Who knows who make these rules.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Viper

Source:  Street Trash
Location:  New York
Threat Assesssment:  Drinking this swill will leave you a puddle so that's a 10 for an effect knocked back to five because you have to be pretty desparate to drink the crapshine.
Limitation:  Limited number of bottles left.

Today's Secret Code

To access today's secret code merely scratch off this sentence off your computer screen.  The secret code will be revealed with the fresh smell of frebreeze added.  That is all, maho maho.

Breaking News Badger is the MAN!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Mode: Operational <> Status: Feeling Alrigh' <> Goal: Winning


Well I don't like Tom Cruise.  I can tell you exactly when that started.  It started when Top Gun just would not go away.  For some reason that just irritated the crap out of me at the time.  Over time my impression of Tom Cruise as a glorified smirk has just solidified.  The rub, though, is that either he or his handlers are great at picking properties.  I hate Tom Cruise but I tend to like Tom Cruise movies.  How's that for feeling conflicted?  The results is generally its like pulling teeth to get me to see a Tom Cruise film and then afterwards I have to concede it was pretty durn good.

Oblivion is pretty durn ok. 

It's a beautiful film to watch.  The tech reminds one of 2001, the landscapes are both familiar and yet made mournful and mysterious by the destruction.  The back story of the film goes something like this.... Tom Cruise is Jack.  He's a glorified repairman.  His and his ladyfriend's job is to keep drones working as humanity is leaving Earth for Titan.  Why are they leaving?  Well glad you asked partner, see there was this alien race called "Scavengers" and they decided to throw down on  the earth.  Their first attack was to to destroy the moon and then they invaded Earth.  Now according to Jack we won but the cost was the planet so that's why we are leaving.  Jack's sort of hazy on the details because they wiped his memories so that if he falls into scavenger hands they can't get sensitive data.  Jack's not too bothered by this, he lives in a nice house gets to have great sex in and out of pool, and gets to play hero from time to time.  He's not too bothered at all really, except for this dream....

Ok, I'm going to play nerd here and call bull shit on two parts of this.  First off if your job requires having your memory wiped clean I can assure you that you are part of what we call "a hose job."  I'm sorry I wouldn't be near as accepting of the scenario if I knew my memory was taken away by the people telling me things.  Call me paranoid and I'll wear it with honor.  The second thing is this whole move everyone to Titan.  Sorry BS, and big time.  Sure I'd love to have a colony on Titan, it's good real estate.  The best real estate in the solar system is STILL Earth even if you nuked it till it glowed.  It has things humans really need like the right gravity, good atmospheric pressure, lots of water that's free.  Ok, so we might have to live in domes but look we'd have to do it anyway on Titan.  You can't even use the Scavenger as a reason because according to Jack we WON.  I mean, he's holding the Eastern seaboard with a couple of drones and WIFI connection.  Obviously we could defend ourselves at this point if the story given was true.

Guess what true believers the story is bogus.  That's not really a spoiler given that trailer shows Morgan Freeman telling Jack he don't know squidedily.  Now there are some twists going on from that point and I'll not say what they are except that one exposes a nightmare of mine I didn't know I had.  I guess that's worth a bonus point.

The thing is the film has some interesting ideas, and then some stupid ideas that don't really work when you think about it.  It has a lot of action, but about half  the action is fairly useless.  Sort of a place holder till we get to the big twists..  Tom acts well but his character is written purposefully as a memory wiped cypher, so it's not quite what I would call riveting.  It's a good film but it could have been more than good.  Given the look of the tech I wish that Kubrick was still around to direct it.  I think he could have really taken it to the dark place it needed to go to.

Oh note don't confuse it with Oblivion by Charles Band which was a bad film but a lot more fun to watch.

Things You Need To Know #421

Beware of the Crooked Tree on old Thrall Road.  Only the dead birds roost there, and dead children smile among the roots.  Old spirits are often slow to die and bitter.  The Crooked Tree is the bitter almonds of cynaide kisses and branches with strangler's hands.  Do go out on Trall Road when the moan is full and the wind is mournful.  That is when the Crooked Tree beckons and many will not return.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Daimajin

Source:  Majin Monster of Terror
Location:  Rural Japan
Threat Assessment:  7.  As nasty as a giant statue of a demonic warrior should be.
Limitation:  Lives only to right wrongs.

Today's Secret Code:

{Q:  u,c,t,d,s,b}+{F:  Z,Y,W,g}+{L:  E, Ve, U, Vu, T, Vt}= everything.  Again:  {Q: u,c,t,d,s,b}+{F: Z,Y,W,g}+{L: E, Ve, U, Vu, T, Vt}= everything.   Today's Colour is Primary Red.  Today's Author is still not yet dead.  That is all Dr. Smith, maho maho.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Things You Need To Know #420

A compress of manticore breath, rabbit tears, and a joke from a rabbi bound in the linen from mummified sacred temple prostitutes can heal nearly all wounds.  One Doctor Woodlaw specializes in their application and he will make house calls for the price of a cheesecake and a promise.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Herculoids

Source:  The herculoids
Location:  Alien world
Threat assessment:  Able to keep their planet free of invaders so I'll give them an eight.  Basically a superhero team made up of alien animals.
Limitation:  Without their humans they aren't too bright nor work so well as a team.

Today's Secret Code:

Tsrif eb lliw tsal eht yademos.  Again:  Tsrif eb lliw tsal eht yademos.  Today's Colour is the anagram of livers.  Today's Author wishes he could be Zantanna's assistant.  That is all so put the bunny back in the hat, maho maho.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Candied Cain the Clockwork Loa Assassin


Ok a bit a go I gave a little rant that there needs to be a bit more originality in horror movies rather than the same old teens getting their tired old guts munched.  On that level "Mimesis" gets a plus.  However, I also did a rant that I was getting a tad tired of the hippsterism festering in zombie films and on that level 'Mimesis' gets a big fat negative.  Hmmm, so it's a bit of six of one and a half dozen zombies of the other.

The plot is straight forward; a bunch of people (including those from a horror convention) are invited to a party at a remote location.  Before you can say "Roofies in the beer" these folks are down for the count.  They wake up the next day dressed in old clothes and moved around to different parts of the farm.  It takes a bit but they get it suddenly that they were dressed like the characters of "Night of the Living Dead," oh and speaking of which here they come.  Better run to farm house pronto!

So from there the film runs on several tracks.  The first is that it bounces between the events of the original "Night of the Living Dead," and what's happening now.  Do you really want to start that truck friend knowing what happened in the film?  The other track is of course sheer survival from killer zombies.  Are they zombies?  I mean there can't be zombies in real life, but they are eating people who were briefly alive so what's up with that?  The final tract is given how they all ended up at the farm there are trust issues among the survivors.  Are you a survivor or one of  them?  How can you know who is playing the game from the pawns?

So over all, it is interesting enough to negate the hippsterism.  Definitely worth a watch for horror fans.  Oh, and a double plus for a little Sid Haig action.

Things You Need To Know #419

There is a bookcase of dream journals at the old Wickenhamne Estate. The bookcase is a hidden door to a stone tunnel that goes deep below the ground and under the sea.  Those who have walked it have said they found the survivors of Atlantis.  Each though gives a different description of the people and how they live.  No one from Atlantis has yet to come out from the tunnel, yet.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Black Lanterns

Source:  DC Universe
Location:  Everywhere
Threat Assessment:  Zombie's with power rings that want to eat hearts.  Let's give that one an eight.
Limitation:  A tad obsessive.  Oh, and dead.

Today's Secret Code

The snake is a line that bites.  Again:  The snake is a line that bites.  Today's Colour is ophidian obsidion.  Today's Author just wants a hug.  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Things You Need To Know #418

The Book Unwritten belongs the the Brothers of the Invisible Library.  They have spent the last 500 years creating an oral gospel of a pilgrim by the name of Khem.  They first must learn the book exactly as is from the first monk to this day.  Then they can create a second book that they can transmit to their apprentice.  But they can't just make it up, each change is challenged by the other brothers till at the end what is left shines like a diamond.  The brothers say they will set down to paper their perfected gospel when the sun rises in the west and five thieves give the greatest gifts to Rome.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Isz

Source:  The Maxx
Location:  New York/Pangea
Threat Assessment:  6.  Though only a foot and half tall an Isz is stronger than a man and can bite through steel.  In the "real" world if dressed in clothes they'll look like the type of person one would expect dressed like that.
Limitation:  Don't think they have bones, even a person of normal strength can squish one.

Today's Secret Code:

Everything has an end except sausage which has two ends.  Again:  Everything has an end except sausage which has two ends.  Today's Colour is mustard yellow.  Today's Author wish he could play a chello.  That is all hello, maho maho.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Padded Men Mean No Harm


You might have noticed my reviews have been short, if not terse, lately.  There's a reason; it's been a bit of a dry spell.  Hey, I like bad and midling horror films as much as the next guy (as Stephen King says "You get a taste for boloney after a while."), but sometimes it does beat you down.  The best film I've seen in week was was "Sharknado" and while it was a fun bad film it doesn't even reach any epic level of badness.  Ed Woods would have those sharks in cashmere before the second act!  I admit there's a bit of fun in  tearing down a bad film, but I don't like myself for doing it.  In fact, when I had my own newspaper column I made it my mission to find only the good to review.  So, you can understand why I might not be as energized as I am usually. 

Now we have Gallowwalkers and say what you will it's not a boring film. 

Now I don't usually get into the behind the scene stuff.  Honestly, I don't want to know what the star I like does in his free time as it usually depresses the hell out of me.  However, it is interesting to note that this film was shot in 2006 and only just now released.  Why the delay?  Well, it hurts when you main actor Wesley Snipes is sent to jail for tax evasion.  Even though he was allowed to finish filming no doubt the scandal wrecked hell with the production.  The fact that they got something even remotely interesting out of that mess is a bit of a minor miracle.

So what is Gallowwalkers?  Well it's something of a mix of horror, spaghetti western, and "El Topo" wrapped into a crazy package.  Now I know my readers are into horror and are familiar with spaghetti westerns, but "El Topo," might require a bit of explanation.  "El Topo" a.k.a. The Mole was one of the first midnight arthouse pictures and is best described as someone catchingon film the hallucinations of a religious maniac after a 24 hour spaghetti western marathon.  Yes, my friends it is that good.

In Galowwalker we have a barren area that has a secret.  There's a gateway to the after life and people in this area have the annoying habit of coming back from the dead.  Wesley Snipes plays "Aman" (yeah, yeah I know...) who has killed five people who took from him the woman he loved.  They come back from the dead though so he has to kill them again.  The dead, are not happy and have their own plans and caught in the middle are a whore who does not have a heart of gold and a young badass. 

The plot is pretty simple really but what makes this work is the visuals.  The director makes great use of the desert space.  There is certainly a sense of epic in how the gun fights are blocked.  Also, the characters are certainly one of a kind designs that catch the imagination.  I love for example the three gun fighters dressed almost like the spanish inquisition with their lips sewn shut.  Sadly, this film is not perfection as it lacks a certain amount of chemistry.  It comes off a bit sterile, more of an exercise in photography not narrative.  Still, it's the most interesting thing I've seen in a while and I definitely recommend it.

Things You Need To Know #417

From the Manifesto of the New Dead:

You who are alive are transitory.  The dead are forever.  We are not, though, the old dead.  We will not stay and rot in the earth.  We will not be asigned heavens and hells like unruly children.  We will not rise neither dead nor alive.  We glory in our death.  We glory in our decay.  We have already marked your children like the bread crumbs in a fairy tale and will use them to come back.  Dead and terrible and oh so hungry.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Godzilla

Source:  Japan
Location:  Japan (don't talk about New York)
Threat Assessment:  8.  Destroys cities for breakfast.
Limitation:   1) not so smart.  2)  oxygen destroyer.

Today's Secret Code:

Never ask a vampire how it likes its stake, they rarely take it well.  Again:  Never ask a vampire how it likes its stake, they rarely take it well.  Today's Colour is the king of crimson.  Today's Author plays well with others.  That is all Vlad, maho maho.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Things You Need To Know #416

The Cave of the Dog has the Temple within.  It has five seals each with four locks and 3 keys.  The Guardian will make sure none will come to harm, but at the same time only the true seekers may enter.  It helps to know the prayer, "Ut Caudam semper movebit etiam magister detinet sibi optimum cibum."

Monster of the Day: Diamond Dogs

Source:  Diamond Dogs
Location:  Mostly New York City
Threat Assessment:  4.  Mostly they'll hound you if you are a celebrity.

Today's Secret Code:

Never argue with a lazy bee or a short giant.  Again:  Never argue with a lazy bee or a short giant.  Today's Colour is sanguine.  Today's Author wonders if we can't all just get along.  That's all Getalong Ghandi, maho maho.

Monday, August 5, 2013

The Demented

Sorry gang this ain't the one.  The Demented is just another zombie gut muncher done with a dollar twenty eight budget starring people you never heard of who are probably good friends of  the director.  For the record the young people in question are having a bit of a vacation and looking at their inner stereotypes.  The zombies are caused by terrorist missiles and are of the human but rabid variety.  The zombies stalk, the kids hide, someone dies, annnnnnd repeat. 

Things You Need To Know #415

The Quakenberg pun is the worst pun on earth.  It is a quantum powered, bolt loaded, belt fed, carcingenic, sociopathic bit of non humor that can stun people who do not even understand the language it was spoken in.  Truly the less said about the Quakenberg pun the better.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Singing Ghost

Source:  Snow White
Location:  Haunted Cave
Threat Assessment:  1.  More a scary pressence than anything

Today's Secret Code:

The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.  Again:  The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.  Today's Colour is a Shadowy one.  Today's Author doesn't so much as clouds men's mind as drizzles on it.  That is all Margot, maho maho.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

The Psycher Huntsman and Ifrit Danes

Detention of the Dead

Ok, one thing I'm beginning to hate about zombie films is the "hipster" element that has crept in.  A lot these films now acknowledge that at least one character has seen every zombie film ever and knows everything there is  to know about zombies.  It can be a bit funny but it is playing itself out as it takes the horror out of things when a character says something, "Oh yeah these are fast type zombies like in 'Ghoul Racers,' so we should have a smash and grab strategy."  It goes straight from horror to D&D.

Detention of the Dead has two characters of this stripe a nerdy kid and a gothy nerdy kid.  They are in detention with a cheerleader, two jocks, a pothead, and victims.  I say victims because yes for reasons unexplained a zombie invasion starts at the school.  Clearly out numbered by brain dead students they go to the one place students (zombie or otherwise) never go; the library.  Yeah that's about the height of humor here.  The horror is about b level.  The characters are basically cribbed from "The Breakfast club" brought slightly up to date.  It's not a horrible film, but it's no 'Shaun of the Dead' either.

Things You Need To Know #414

Not all aliens do that anal probe thing.  Only the ones from the Err Tao Section.  It's rather embarrassing but they don't do it for research at all.  That's just a ruse.  They are collecting human intestinal flora as a food additive.  The word is among the illuminati is that it is a very high priced item in the fat shops of planet Ukku and Zunda'ho.  It's helped by rumors that it is supposedly a great help to one's third sex life.  No one is proud to be part of the trade, but money talks and everyone warps out.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Mashed Monsters

Source:  Monster Mash
Location:  Some place creepy
Threat Assessment:  0.   Monsters just want to party
Limitation:  The threat of an eternal hangover later

Today's Secret Code:

Break out the death rays boys, some aliens need a tanning.  Again:  Break out the death rays boys, soome aliens need a tanning.  Today's Colour is Martian green.  Today's Author is watching the skies.  That is all Marvin, maho maho.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Smile Brother and say "Please"

The Future's a Trip Man

Things You Need To Know #413

There are four Elemental Prisoners of the Unconscious.  They were selected by a cult of arthritic mages of panspermancy.  Unwitting sacrifices for nameless power they now float about the antique shops trapped in blue glazed porcelain cows.  If one finds one the good thing to do would be to release the poor soul.  Of course if you do that you will not have the ability to double any investment made be it in money or in time.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Constrictus

Source:  Pirates of Dark Water
Location:  One is in the bowel of a pirate ship, supposedly there are others.
Threat Assessment:  7.  A giant man killing slimy thing of a lot of mouths and teeth.  Poisonous to boot.
Limitation:   Ain't the brightest banana on the boat.

Today's Secret Code

An indifferent scientist is much worse than a mad scientist.  Again:  An indifferent scientist is much worse than a mad scientist.  Today's Colour is a shallow pale mercurochrome.  Today's Author is working on a hearty laugh.  That is all Dr. Horrible, Maho maho.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Spirit Guns Vs. Ghost Spider


Battledogs is Asylum's "mockbuster" version of World War Z.  The differences are 1) it is werewolves not zombies, 2) they are only attack New York, 3) a distinct lack of Brad Pitt, money, or compentent special effects.  This is an asylum film though so we expect this, the trouble is after their incredible "Sharknado" being merely meh is no longer good (bad) enough.

Shame there are some eighties names here to bring back memories.  Bill Dukes (Predator), and Ernie Hudson (Ghostbuster's fourth member and fifth wheel) put on a good show respectively.  Some of the ideas are not so bad like trying to keep a bunch of scared, angry prisoners calm to keep them from wolfing out.  They really could have done an interesting World War Z/Green Mile vibe along those lines but being a B movie bad people in the military want to use the werewolf virus as "the greatest weapon since the predator drone."

Things You Need To Know #412

The room of the dead roach is a rather odd occult mystery.  Anytime you open the door there will be one dead roach in the middle of the room.  Just one, but always one.  Why this happens no one knows and all attempts to make the room roach proof has failed.  The best guest from psychics is some force in the room is trying to give the same message again and again in a visual fashion.  What that message is is a matter of some debate.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Mechanical Dragon

Source:  Animaniacs
Locatin:  Camelot
Threat Assessment:  5.  Scary, but really not that big a deal.
Limitation:  Comedy.

(Will someone stop saying "Dragon?!!")

Today's Secret Code:

Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.  Again:  Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.  Today's Colour is a little blue.  Today's Author is floating in a tin can.  That is all Major Tom, maho maho.