Monday, April 30, 2012

Ecto Shielding

Sometimes a medium needs more than will
when facing the darkness
ecto shielding
protects from all unwanted
touches from

An Arimarxian Assassin

Also known as Spider Assassins
the Arimarxian like most races are generally nice and friendly
But for the purposes of export
the assassins make most of the money for the Arimarxians
So now they do have a reputation, perhaps unfair,
as cold blooded murderers

Things Got Seriously Weird On "Once Upon A Time."

Now remember this is the show that says that Dwarfs are hatched fully grown from eggs, so when I say weird, I mean it.  Now for the past couple of episodes we've had the brooding, mysterious writer on a motorcycle who is doing weird things like adding stories to Henry's book.  Last episode they made a feint and hinted that he was Rumpie's son but that turned out to be untrue.

So who is our august August?  Turns out he's Pinocchio all grown up.  Yes, Pinocchio.  He's slowly turning to wood and if he can't get Emma to get off her lovely butt and destroy the Curse he'll make a fine statue somewhere. 

So, we have a fellow who looks like this...

Who once looked like this...

I guess that means there's hopes for all of us nerds.

Things You Need To Know #145

Whoever wrote "Things You Need To Know #144" is a liar.  There is indeed a Monsterous beast in the closet on Vermoth Street.  It has huge teeth and beetles for eyes.  It loves to eat people who don't pull their pants up.  The liar that wrote the earlier article is obviously an agent for the mundane.  Disregard.

This was something you needed to know.

Demon Monkey?


Monster of the Day: Prometheus Aliens

Source:  Prometheus
Location:  The same planet in Alien
Threat Assessment:  8.  High tech.  Shape changing and face melting. 
Limitation:  None known.

Today's Secret Code:

"The capacity for violence is more useful than the actual use of violence."  Again:  "The capacity for violence is more useful than the actual use of violence."  Today's Colour is a screaming yellow lime pink with a hint of crimson.  Today's Author is watching the people watching camel spiders.  that is all, maho maho.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Her Serenity Is Not Amused

Nazis at the Center of the Earth

We've talked about the Asylum before. A company bucking for both the consistently worse film company today and the film company that most consistently considers its viewers to be morons.  Both of these honors are combined in their strategy of "mockbusters" where they make a rip off of a film and release it direct to DVD while the film is still playing so some grandma gets confused and thinks "The Transmorphers" is "The Transformer." 

Basically, they are professional ass holes.

Every now and then though every doggy has its day.  Now I'm not saying "Nazis at the Center of the Earth," is a good film.  Please, this is the Asylum.  It is herky jerky with film production values that would shame a porno set.  What this film is, is fairly audacious and interesting.  That goes along way when you are picking through the bone yard of bad films.

First off we have Jake Busey, the heir to Busey line of bug eyed, buck teeth craziness.  He's a little restrained here, but it actually works for him here.  The Nazis are good villains here, living under the ice of Antartica.  They've been doing a lot of body swapping surgery so they look like frankenstein/zombie/nazis and that's only to the good.  Things get good and crazy when super Hitler Head in a Jar (which should be trademarked) pops out and starts doing speeches and ripping people in two with his retro robot body.  Oh, and then there is the nazi saucer that pops up in the last act.

Best line of the show:
Air Control:  "Are they hostile?"
Pilot:  It's covered in swastikas, so I'd say they're hostile!"
Anyway, if you are willing to put up with some nonsense and a bit of a slow early pace, you will be rewarded by some massive weirdness.  That's about the best you can hope for here so enjoy it if you can.  No doubt the Asylum already has "The Revengers" ready to go into the red box on May 4th.

Things You Need To Know #144

The article "Things You Need To Know #145" is based on lies. There is no Monstrous beast in the closet on Vermoth Street. It is all tricks done with mirrors and chainsaws.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: kuchisake onna the slit mouth woman

Source:  Japanese folklore, movie "Slit-Mouth woman"
Location:  Japanese cities
Threat Assessment:  5.  Japanese boogey woman who's strength depends on the tale.  Very scary looking with mouth widened by knife cuts.  Always carries a sharp knife.
Limitations:  Isn't going speed dating.

Today's Secret Code:

maho maho, all is that.  nothing 'bout nattering is Author today's.  teal proof seal a is Colour today's.  "tree a hit did Joel Billy but, fire the start didn't we."  again:  ."tree a hit did Joel Billy but, fire the start didn't we."

Saturday, April 28, 2012

The Mass For Elective Electrons

A Creation of the Middle Hells

The Bone Setters
of the Disphorian
are masters of thanotic arts
but know little of traditional

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #38: The Hunger

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

We have the Hunger. We will not say where. We will not say anything about the technology we use to keep him in check. But we do have him. We have let the Authorities know this fact. We've also let it be known that any attack of our polar base in international waters might lead to the "accidental" release of The Hunger.

There has been no attack upon our main base for ten years.

Everyone has a healthy fear of the Hunger. It's ability to absorb matter and energy is well documented. It's non thinking fury is also well documented. It's destruction of Greenway Island is documented and perserved on tape for future generations to see.

No one knows "who" the Hunger is. There's even a line of reasoning that the Hunger isn't human at all. All we know is it stepped out from the Arizona desert after an A bomb test. It has been a bear for all the Authorities since then.

Things You Need to Know #143

Eunice Neek is a neat freak.  She loves order over everything and finds people to be generally a mess.  Specially in their relationships.  With her shiny scissors Eunice can sever all ties cleanly.  Making for a nice, orderly world.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Hassich

Source:  Grimm
Location:  Anywhere, bridges
Threat Assessment:  5.  Your basic bridge troll.  Big and dumb.
Limitation:  ...and dumb.

Today's Secret Code:

"If we are going to have AI we best teach them to love us first."  Again:  "If we are going to have AI we best teach them to love us first."  Today's Colour is a sterile, serene dun.  Today's Author is 00111011010101101111111011010.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Varax Max Url

Varax Max Url
officially has an IQ
in the five digit range
but he's not very happy
and he can't think
of the reason

Things You Need to Know #142

Mr. Slinky Pants is a cat that knows every ghost in New York City. For the right price he can arrange introductions.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Prisoner Zero

Source:  Dr. Who
Location:  Earth
Threat Assessment:  6.  Being a multiform it can take the shape of others as long as it keeps the template alive in a coma.  Has big teeth.
Limitation:  Hunted by powerful aliens with NO sense of humor and a clear need for visine.

Today's Secret Code:

"If a three dimensional object casts a two dimensional shadow, does a four dimensional object cast a three dimensional shadow?" Again: "If a three dimensional object casts a two dimensional shadow, does a four dimensional object cast a three dimensional shadow?" Today's Colour is a passive peach. Today's Author is an agressive agent. That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Let the Sufferiphony Begin

I will conduct the pain
into a chorus of thorny beauty
and you
will play the solo


Also known by the boring title of "It Happened At Lakewood Manor." Which could make it a horror picture or a coming of age comedy. Probably one involving pie somewhere. No, though, this is about ants. Hundreds of thousands of squirming black ants.

As soon as you hear the music you can guess this was made in the seventies and by Alan Landsburg, the same fella who made "Believe it or not." Shame he couldn't get Leonard Nimoy to hang around the set here, that would have been fun. But we do get Myrna Loy, Brian Dennehy, and Suzanne Somers, so there's some entertainment value to be had there.

The plot is basic one part "Jaws" and one part every disaster movie ever made. Our huge cast of characters are centered around Lakewood Manor which is a lovely old hotel by the lake. Myrna Loy is the owner now in a wheelchair. Her daughter wants her to sell to feckless developer who secretly wants to tear the whole thing down and build up a casino. Meanwhile Robert Foxworth is running a construction site near by. For some reason they got a freaking big hole with a broken pipe that connects to the hotel. Its from here that the ants are coming from.

The deal is that the ants have been infected with POLLUTION (DA DA DAAAAAAA!) and so they are super toxic ants. One bite won't do a thing but a hundred bites will kill. Soon construction workers are falling down left and right and so are hotel workers and vacationers. The board of health shows up. One seems to know Foxworth and warns him against his self destructive streak. The other is a weaselly dick and is just a general jerk. Our "hero" figures out it is the ants.

I say "hero" because the next bit is just amazing. No one believes Foxworth that the ants are killing people. So he jumps into a bulldozer and then proceeds to DIG UP THE ENTIRE ANT NEST. Wonderful work guy. The enraged ants for some reason don't attack him but go over and take over the hotel. So basically he's directly to blame for at least three deaths. By the way Robert Foxworth also played the the jerk off "Hero" in "Prophecy" so it can be said he had a minor market in playing jerk off, self righteous, leading men with a caveman perm and beard. If you never seen him at the time he looked like a cross between ...
...and the EPA putz from Ghostbusters..

So the rest of the film has the decreasing cast trying not to be ant food. Some of the events are actually pretty funny. At one point there is a hoard of looky loos watching the drama, but the first rescue helicopter blows dust and ants all over them. Bravo! It all ends with the surviving cast trying to stay as still as possible as the ants swarm over them. Certainly a lot of last minute creepy crawliness! Overall a great big slab of fun cheese.

Things You Need To know #141

Don Diddle's shop deals only with eight track tape and eight track tape players. Old technology now nearly completely dead. Yet the shop is lively and fun and Don always has a joke or two. There are even a couple of tapes not known generally to exist. Playing them might lead to some surprising results.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Hell House

Source:  The Legend of Hell House
Location:  Um... Hell House?
Source:  7.  If you are in the house you are in the shit my friend.  The house can fool you, trick you, and has a lot of telekinetic tricks to kill you.  Have fun.
Limitation:  There's a secret and if you know it, you can kill the house.

Today's Secret Code:

"Often the hardest pill to swallow is sound advice."  Again:  "Often the hardest pill to swallow is sound advice."  Today's Colour is fleshy pink.  Today's Author believes "Az egyik oka kell harcolni, de nem harcolni ésszerűen."  That is all, maho maho.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Float, We All Float

There's that moment
when the fever crests
and the body is beaten down
tired like dog run its course
then you float
don't fight it
we all float

An Arcology Proposal

The concept of an arcology is sound.  Create a city within a larger enclosure.  The results saves energy and other resources.  Given the new wave of materials coming out one could create an arcology with an effective carbon footprint of zero.  The troubles with an arcology is that in a free market economy it's a huge risk to basically build an entire city in one go.  Other problems will present themselves as the city fills up and unforeseen problems pop up everywhere.

I was thinking about this when it occurred to me.  Typical of engineers and architects, they aren't really thinking of the people, of the community.  Yes the paradox is that the best way to create an arcology is to create the community before the city.

But how to do that?

Again, an easy answer.  Start the community online.  Create something like second life but with the goal of eventually becoming a real world extension.  Have things like simulators for learning how to use remote control vehicles and robots for construction.  Have contests for various problems and their solution.  Make the environment as much as the finished arcology and you will attract the people that will best fullfill the needs of the community with happiness.

Agree?  Disagree?  Discussion?

Things You Need To Know #140

No one remembers the battle of Churchyard Square. No one except the squirrels, five starlings, and a child with one green, green eye. The battle may have saved the world, and certainly saved Boston. Give the squirrels extra treats for they are veterans everyone.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Event Horizon

Source:  Event Horizon
Location:  Edge of the solar system/hell
Threat Assessment:  8.  If you are in the Event Horizon you are boned.  You are now in a sentient, haunted space ship with the capacity to travel to Hell. Congratu-fricking-lation.
Limitation:  It's voodoo does seem to be limited to near by .... we hope.

Today's Secret Code:

"Attack with the sun at your back."  Again:  "Attack with the sun at your back."  Today's Colour is a color that bees can see that we can't.  They call it "Buzzk."  Today's Author does the wiggle wiggle waggle dance.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Mr. Hood

Like many bogey men
Mr. Hood does not like the light
but he likes children just fine

Thera of the Surreality

Travelling through the Surreality
can be dangerous
color zones and angle traps abound
Thera of the Surreality
could be your guide

Defining the Optimist

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

I have to steel myself to watch a Tom Cruise movie.  I just don't like the man.  He gives off jerk vibes to me.  The trouble is, more often than not they are good films and I end up liking them despite myself.  One near exception to that rule has been the Mission Impossible series.  The first three films have been I would call "hot messes."  Sure they have some stand out scenes, but over all they are examples of when style shouldn't be over substance.  "Ghost Protocol" is the first film of the series that I can say I like from beginning to end.

Starting in a Russian jail and then roaming around the world, it's the story of how the IMF is implicated in bombing the Kremlin and is forced to shut down.  They can't though because a rogue terrorist has the power to order up nuclear strikes and doesn't seem at all afraid to use it.  There's also a sense of a personal grudge match since they have already lost agents because of this crisis.  So Ethan Hunt and what's left of his gang (including a very amusing Simon Pegg) are all that's left between us and nuclear Armageddon. 

The team and plans seem to work very well and aren't as gimmicky as in other mission impossible films.  The actions scenes are across the board excellent.  I love the scenes in Dubai because they keep building suspense with the help of an on coming sand storm.  You keep waiting for that sucker to hit and you aren't disappointed.  Definitely a film worth watching.

The Castles Part 3

Oscar took some time to dig into his steak and followed that with more wine.  We were both hungry.  He wanted the steak, and I wanted his information.  I picked at my lamb as I waited for Oscar to sate himself enough to begin talking again.
"Ok, ok.  I can see by that look you want more.  I understand I do.  I would in your shoes.  So let's go back to when they brought their ships here.  Maria Kala said she was guided by a vision and I have to say it would have been hard to find a place better than the Castlemount.  She convinces the Portuguese to bring  their ships up the river as far as they can and beach them in the shadow of the Castlemount.  The plan was simple; they had enough workers, enough specialists, enough tools and enough raw material to put up a model town.  The perfect place for them.  They were going to name it Shtëpi Urti or "Wise Home."  It was going to take at least ten years, specially since they planned to build their own castle right there, but in the end it would be beautiful."
"Their own castle?"
"Oh yes," said Oscar with a smile.  "And they did it.  It's a beautiful place.  They don't live there now.  It's a musuem.  It's that town at the very end of the county, right there.  It's called "Savantview" nowadays.  When you get there you'll have to check it out.  But I'm getting a little ahead of myself.  See at first, things went well.  They were felling trees and taking granite from the Castlemount.  They even put together a little forge.  Things were going up in quick succession. Until..."
What the hey, I bit at the bait.  "Until what?"
"Until people started disappearing.  Soon, anyone going into the woods was in deep mortal peril of not coming back.   Turns out there was a local tribe, the Plithonek, who claimed the Castlemount and weren't willing to share.  They were sneaky though.  No, big attacks or anything like that.  More just things to spook everyone.  They'd kill people alone in the woods and then some mornings folks would wake up to see heads by the door."
"Well, Maria told her husband she would handle these savages, and he let her cause she was the one with all the charisma.  If anyone could deal with this non violently it was her.  So she and some of her alchemist friends went into the wood.  It's said they built a huge table in a clearing and then stocked the table for a huge feast.  They then sat down and waited.  Waiting and waiting for three days so it is written.  Then out came a band of Plithoneks all decked out in feathers and grey blankets.  Maria bid her alchemists to do their tricks, the idea was to awe the natives.  They were impressed to be sure but then it is written that the natives did their own tricks and they did indeed impress Maria and her friends.  It was written that one Plithonek removed his head and left it on the table when all was done and they left."
"You don't believe that do you?"
"I believe they saw what they saw, but like all hocus pocus they didn't know what the trick was.  Anyway, the mutual magic society seemed to give each the idea they had something in common with each other.  So they spent days at the table learning basic words of each language.  Eventually they were able to communicate each other's story and they found they did indeed have a lot in common.  Persecution!  The Plithoneks were hated by they other tribes and were only able to exist because they could hold the reach against the other tribes.  That shared history of persecution, plus generous trade items Maria and her husband gave the tribe, helped heal the sore feelings of their "invasion."  Soon enough new borders were drawn of who owned what and they even wed their youngest daughter to Fatlu a brother to the tribe's chief.  You could say he was the first of the Cousins."
"Well, remember that Maria had seven children.  If the line of Kala was going to go on, these kids were going to have to get hitched.  Well, maybe that whole incest thing could work in Europe but not with the Kalas.  His first solution was to raise up good people and knight them and then marry them to his kids.  The first Cousins were used as a way to further bind the people to him.  Besides the Plithonek husband, there were two Romanians, two Albanians, one Portuguese, and one Basque."
"I thought you said they traveled with gypsies as well.  Why weren't any of them chosen?"
"Ah, well gypsies or the Rom as they like to style themselves are a bit dodgy on things like that.  The gypsies have their own culture and didn't want to mingle bloodlines.  Which was fine by the Kalas because for all their talk about the horrors of persecution, well they never could bring themselves to  totally trust their gypsies."
"Anyway, this move started a tradition.  Later on as the Kalas became the Castles they would look for families of merit around the Castlemount.  When they found one they would charge them with a special project or duty.  If they succeeded then someone in that family could expect to marry into the Castles which means a rain of money for everyone.  If they goof up, well they were reward for the efforts but there was no more chance of upward mobility.   These families became known as the "Cousins" cause even though they weren't real Castles they were close enough that some of that fine old power would rub off on them.  There's about two dozen Cousin families now being juggled by  the Castles.  They bicker and plot against each other at times but in the end they are bound up in protecting the Castles."
"Isn't that sweet?"

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #37: Lady Bella

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

Lady Bella is one of the oldest members of VABI in existence. We say "in existence" and not "alive" since that brings up certain technical issues. See, Lady Bella is not currently alive being a member of that vast group known vulgarly as "vampire."

Vampires are found on many Earths. Each tend to follow their own rules of existence some in accordance with local folklore and others not so much. The vampires of Earth32aa are a varied lot, so you never known whether that garlic is going to work or not.

Lady Bella is a more traditional vampire. She indeed will not take that garlic on her pizza and she needs her maids since she cannot perceive her image in any reflective surface. She manages these disabilities quite well and has over the centuries created an estate worth several billion dollars. VABI takes care of the estate when the odd stake through the heart puts Lady Bella out of sorts for a while.

Things You Need To Know #140

Mad Merkin is a local street figure usually found behind the theater district.  Actors give him money for luck.  They also give him money so he won't say "break a leg."  There are reasons.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Gibbering Mouther

Source:  Dungeons & Dragons
Location:  Dungeons, caves, drains
Threat Assessment:  6.  A liquid like monster it can't be stabbed.  it has hundreds of mouths and its gibbering makes it very scary and hard for victims to concentrate.
Limitation:  Just lacks a back bone.

Today's Secret Code

"The Wiseman did say, 'The closer one is to danger the farther one is from harm,' whereupon he was soundly beaten for being an idiot."  Again:  "The Wiseman did say, 'The closer one is to danger the farther one is from harm,' whereupon he was soundly beaten for being an idiot."  Today's Colour is the child of satin.  Today's Author needs hand sanitizer and perhaps a mind sanitizer as well.  That is all Lucy Lui, maho maho.

Monday, April 23, 2012

The Pig Priest Preaches the End Of Bacon

When the world of bacon ends
there will come the time of eternal rutting
and laying in warm sun

May O'Mazes

In the Mazes and Rat Tunnels of Fera
they still talk of May O'Mazes
the soldiers of the Faraway King
abused her and cut off her nose
but she took her vengeance
one knight at a time
til no soldier
to this day
will brave the mazes
and rat tunnels

No One Likes A Smart Ass

Dorthy and the Witches of Oz

This is a fairly interesting revamp of the Wizard of Oz.  In this version Dorthy is tricked going into the magical land of New York City.  The Witches are there pretended to book agents who are interested in Dorthy's book.  What they really want is the key that will unlock the book that has the word "Oz" inscribed in it.  Saying that word is like the mega bonus magic word of doing whatever you want.

This is an interesting twist seeing fantastical characters in New York City.  The acting isn't bad and it doesn't hurt to have Christopher Lloyd, Lance Henriksen, and Jeffrey Combs in your cast.  Some of the costumes and effects are a bit dodgey but I have to say the flying monkey was freaking me out.  Great wings there.  Overall an entertaining show though I will take umbrage of a character from Baum's work quoting "Jabberwocky."  Let's not confuse things too much people.

Things You Need To Know #139

If you take the horse shoe over the door and put it on a horse, that horse will never become lost and will always find its way home.  It works best if the horse shoe has been over the door for at least several years.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Shadow Baby

Source:  Game of Thrones
Location:  Westeros
Threat Assessment:  Currently unknown but presumed bad assed.  It's a shadow monster.
Limitation:  To get one you have to convince a Priestess of Light to give birth to full sized monster.  Have fun with that.

Today's Secret Code:

"There is always ample opportunity to shut up."  Again:  "There is always ample opportunity to shut up."  Today's Colour is a silent but deadly shade of nightshade blue.  Today's Author has no authority.  That is all bwana, maho maho.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Not THAT Bogart

A Bogart is a type of imp
generally harmless
except when not

Sireris, the New Goddess of Anarchy

loud and proud
she knows the world
is only
three arguments
and a refill
from the end of civilization

Judgement Dog has a message for the Vegans having a fit about Starbucks using bug parts in making some of their drinks....

You DO realize don't you that the FDA has allowable limits of bug parts in all your drinks
including that orgainic tea you are sipping on right now....

Hell's Labyrinth AKA Carnivorous

Right when you have to change the name of your film there is most likely something very wrong. Ask the former head of Disney who had to step down after "Princess of Mars/John Carter of Mars/John Carter" bombed like Woody Allen in a Saudi Stand Up Club. The main problem of the film is easy to see, way to easy to see. The effects are bad and everywhere. The bad CGI is impossible to ignore because they made the decision to basically throw the actors against a green screen for EVERYTHING. The actors seem to float a bit and seem to be hardly a part of the background. It reminds me of those scenes in "Land of the Lost" (the TV show) when the main characters had to cross the plaza to go to the sleestax.

The plot has a bunch of people, some of whom confess to not being very nice, captured by "The Servant." They then find themselves in a poorly lit labyrinth filled with nasty growley giant rock dog demons. Let the hunt begin. Their own hope is an old timey survivor who's channeling his best Bruce Campbell. His stability though is questionable to say the least. Jello might be more stable. Oh, and they have to worry about traps. It's like a D&D game gone horribly horribly CGI.

Once you get into the middle and realize it's not going to get any better, it's not so bad. Some of the traps were interesting, and there was the question of whether they were still living or not. The crazy guy added a needed light moment in what would otherwise be a dismal affair. So if you like horror or fantasy it might be worth a look if you have a freebie rental or if its on SyFy and it will be on SyFy. It's just a matter of time.

Things You Need To Know #138

Miss Eliza Abigrew Nightingale Hortensia Obsura Silkpurse (the third) has a most unique thimble. It is made from the petals of petrified roses. Whoever dons the thimble has absolute control over any needles near by. A rather pointed ability.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Alien Tornado

Source:  Alien Tornado
Location:  Midwest
Threat Assessment:  7. A huge tornado guided by an alien intelligence also capable of teleporting.
Limitation:  Still a work in progress.

Today's Secret Code:

"Beware of a secret service with public winkies."  Again:  "Beware of a secret service with public winkies."  Today's Colour is prismatically paradoxical.  Today's Author is knows the truth and suspect the lies.  That is all senor, maho maho.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Sea Ghost

She blesses storms
and rogue waves
and whispers into shells
for someone sometime
to hear her message

Things You Need To Know #137

There is a house on Whitepole St. where every mirror is a door to the that house's mirror image.  It is a convenient place to hide things justs put the items in question where the mirror can't see it.  There are things already hidden in the corners of the mirror house.  And spiders.  Big spiders.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Hundjager agents for the Verrat

Source:  Grimm
Location:  Any where.
Threat Assessment:  6.  Hound like wessen that are known more for their insane meanness rather than any special powers.  Rumors are  that they eat their own mothers from the womb.  They work for the Verrat which are basically wessen neo nazis.  Joy.
Limitation:  Not known for being subtle.

Today's Secret Code:

"Play the hunch but bet the odds."  Again:  "Play the hunch but bet the odds."   Today's Colour is unburnt umber.  Today's Author is sawing lumber.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Today's Secret Code:

"Let *fnord* a *fnord* million *fnord* flowers *fnord* bloom!" Again:  "Let *fnord* a *fnord* million *fnord* flowers *fnord* bloom!"  Today's Colour is the odor of ricin.  Today's Author did not see the fnords.  That is all, maho maho little buddy.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Gallery Is Now Open

Never Forget to Feed Your Bird

The Castles Part 2

"So are they still into it?"  I asked as we had another basket of infinite bread served to us.  It was good bread piping hot with organic butter mixed with a little honey.  Very fine for the occassional Seattlite looking for some place off the beaten path.
"Into what?" said Oscar.
"That alchemy stuff."
He smiled a little and took a sip of wine.  It was a very good year I hope given the prices.
"Oh, there are a lot of Castles.  I'm sure one or two are still interested.  The family is so very into tradition.  These days though they are more likely to invite scientists into chaos, string theory, or quantum computers up to the Great House.  Some of them never leave, which definitely shows there's an interest in what they know."
"Never leave?  What are they kept prisoners."
"No, not that I know of, though you can have a jail cell with open doors.  Something you should consider before you decide to cross the Reach.  Is it really worth it?  I know you are into all this cause your dad sold his company to them but what's the harm.  As I understand it he made more than double the money his factory was worth."
"Double the money off a factory he would never sell."  I made a fist around my wine glass stem that was just this close to snapping it.  "He would never sell without... without pressure.  I saw him afterward and he was a broken man.  I don't know what they did.  Blackmail, threats, whatever.  They broke him and I want to know why."
"Was he a weak man, don't be offended, I'm just curious."
"Never, he was a strong man.  I've never known stronger in all my life."
"Well," Oscar said after a sip, "if you knew he was a weak man it wouldn't have been so bad.  You'd been ready for him failing.  It's  the brittle men that are the worst.  You think they are steel, but really they are iron and iron can sometimes shatter.  You are never ready for that so I can understand your anger.   I just hope you think about things before getting deeper.  Do you know who the Castles sold your father's factor to?"
"Oxcara Limited of Mexico City.  They even sold it to them for pennies on the dollar.  What sort of sense does that make?"
"The Castles have a lot of arms.  You are looking at this one, but you can't see what the other is doing.  You can bet the Castles got their worth from the place.  I'm betting land.  The Castles are crazy for lands.  If you really want to get close to them bring deeds.  But back to point.  Oxcara Limited is a face corporation for the Narcocon Drug Cartel.  Do you still really want to get deeper in this?"
I was silent for a bit....
"Yeah, I do."
Oscar shrugs and reaches into his pocket and hands me a picture.
"This guy is Alan Meers.  He used to be part of the police force across the reach.  He lives in Reachview.  The address is on the back.  He's a good man to have your back.  Look him up."
The fellow looked dubious to me, but I took the picture and put it in my own pocket.
"Now tell me more about these Castles...."

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #36: The Evocation Site

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

Travelling between realities is difficult. Quantum mechanics make it seems simple as first. The idea that if a particle is given two "choices" then the universe splits and two and the particle does choice A in universe 1 and choice B in unverse 2.

If only it were that easy.

In point of fact, reality acts as a kind of gravity, or rather there is a conservation of reality. If the choices given are so small as to make no real difference then one of the universe collapses back into the quantum foam. A universe with a very strong reality creates such a void of this quantum foam that it takes incredible energy to reach a reality that is different enough to be its own.

Many of these realities fall into the sway of the conservation of reality of the prime reality. They are shadows that only gain "realness" when pumped full of energy. Generally it is not worth it unless you are mining for a specific artifact or person. Some have used these shadows as prisons. Pump them full of energy put the a person in there and let the energy run out and the reality fade again to shadow. VABI considers this very cruel and needs a 2/3 vote of all divisions to do so.

Beyond that there are an infinite number of earths. We use the Wehler/Gharm/Metoff system of position multidimensional structures for navigation which is why we are designated Earth 32aa. You can look at the PDF to understand how it works.

We get to these earths through various means. The best is the Evocation Site. A point on our earth in perfect alignment with a super string that cross contaminates several realities it can be boosted with raw power to form a "road" of sorts. Perhaps not the most comfortable means of travel, but it is very safe.

Things You Need To Know #136

The Gripple Card Trick is no longer popular.  That is because it invokes quantum casuality.  The missing card might turn up years later or five exact copies show up in the deck.  Some times even the magician might find an exact copy of himself. 

Monster of the Day: Hounds of Tindalos

Source:  "The Hounds of Tindalos"
Location:  In the past before life evolved
Threat Assessment:  7.  They are lean and athrist.  They can travel from the past to the present as long as there are corners for them use as access point.
Limitations:  A circular space can thwart them.

Today's Secret Code

"I have a soft spot for cripples, bastards and broken things."  Again:  "I have a soft spot for cripples bastards and broken things."  Today's Colour is a saucey saffrony yellow.  Today's Author is playing solitaire with a deck of 51.  That is all Captain Kangaroo, maho maho.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Today's Secret Code:

"Kangaroos have three vaginas and how are you today?"  Again:  "Kangaroos have three vaginas and how are you today?"  Today's Colour is a down under Vib G. Yor.  Today's Author is listening to Achilles Last Stand.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Gronks used to live under houses
and ate coals
and sometimes pets
and children
now they live under oil refineries

The Gler Manx

The Gler Manx is the rarest variety of cat
with good reason
no one wants the little monsters

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #35

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

Lirry Deraili Malli is royalty. She's from Earth BZ and she's here because her younger brother overthrew her and now rules Earth BZ with an iron hand. Lirry doesn't want to rule the Earth or any Earth for that matter. A simple island, say New York, would be enough for her purposes. She doesn't understand that our Earth has moved beyond the feudal mindset.  Luckily, she has a small army of retainers who are all elemental magi with the ability to tap into all of the four classic elements.

For her part Lirry can charm others.  They are still who they are but find themselves wanting to be close and loyal to Lirry.  Unfortunately, she can only do this to seven people at a time.  She's wise in the use of her powers and has used it to curry favor and power so why she still isn't the Queen of New York (yet) she is very much of a power.

We at VABI have no problems with her goals or methods.  We have a mutual assistance pact and her castle is considered a viable place of safety when things are going bad.  We extend her every courtesy as a queen and in return promises us a barony when she takes New York.

We'd like nothing better.

Things You Need To Know #135

There is a well hidden on the Moss' property. If you find it, there is a ladder that will lead to the bottom. At the bottom there is rusted iron box. If you want to open it, I suggest having a shot gun with you. Perhaps a priest at hand as well.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Willard

Source:  Willard
Location:  basement
Threat assement:  3.  I've raised rats.  A rat bite is not a thing to sneeze at.  A hundred rat bites would be very bad.  A thousand and well you'd probably need the undertaker.
Limitation:  Squishable.

Today's Secret Code:

Cats wanted to rule the world but came up with making us as pets as a shortcut.  Again:  Cats wanted to rule the world but came up with making us as pets as a shortcut.  Today's Colour is a flashy neon dun.  Today's Author has cat scratch fever.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Always Keep Your Eyes Peeled

The Castles Part One

Castle County
"This place is very expensive, and I am going to order the most expensive things, and you are going to pay fo it." He said that with a smile. An annoying smile to my mind. He was one of those people who are still too young to understand their own mortality or the limits where others can stand him.
"Are you my date or informant," I shot back. I took a sip of chilled water with thin twists of lemon and cucumber coiling on the surface like snakes.
"Can't it be both?" He gives a look he thinks is flirtation. He'll have to work on that.
"No thanks, let's keep this on business."
"As you wish," he reached under the table and came up with a thick folder bound closed by a loop of string. He put it in the middle of the table and sat back. "That's what you are here for. All the nuts, bolts, whistles, bit and ram on the Castles. I keep that file very up to date so there shouldn't be any problems. While you dine me I'll give you the highlights so you'll know just what a crazy bunch of people you are snooping on."
"You are snooping as well," I said as I pick up the file and put in the briefcase at my side. The waitress came and he ordered as proclaimed the most expensive appetizer and drinks. I ordered more water and a salmon salad festia whatever that was. When the waitress left Oscar smiled and leaned forward.
"Oh sure I'm a snoop, but they don't mind me. I'm practically family on my mom's side. What they would mind is if you hired a lot of private detectives trampling over their fiefdom. The Castles would consider that rude, and that would probably end any chance of contact with them. Around their home ground the base rule my friend is tread lightly."
I nod. I had already done some research on this odd family, and the most important thing I found out was there was a lot of important things not found. They weren't ghosts, they couldn't be the way they used their money and power, but they were verry good keeping a low profile. "Oscar, if you are so close to them, why should I trust your information?"
"A Castle would say you shouldn't trust anyone. But there's a saying around here that goes something like 'If you want to know if the horse is eating well talk to the stable boy not the master of the house.' I'm a nobody Mr. Carries and they aren't going to get too upset over the little tidbits I feed you. I'll be blindly honest, I haven't a clue about the big secrets on Castlemount, I don't even know if there are big secrets on Castlemount. What I'm giving you is just the kiddie tour. But I think you'll find it interesting enough. For example, do you know where the Castles come from?"
"All I could get was they originated from Eastern Europe," I said as my Salmon Festia was brought to me. It was less a salad and more a sea food cold case where some poor greens had unfortunately exploded around. Perhaps a lettuce grenade. It was either far too much meat for a salad or too many greens for a sushi bar.
"Ah you'll like this. See it starts with Maria Intelept, she married a Romanian count or whatever they call themselves in 1620. In 1621 hubby dies. Maria though isn't a stay at home type of girl. She starts sending letters all across Europe. She starts collecting all sorts of wise men, strange men, and specially alchemists. She houses them either at her castle or a near by monestary. Things go on like that for a few years, but then the powers that be get a bug up the butt about it. Maybe they smelled the ancient equivalent of a meth lab. I don't know. Anyway, Maria rolls up her entire castle, the monestary, and the near by village and they make tracks just ahead of soldiers. From there she crosses across central Europe and then south to what we know as Albania. There she marries another rich lord. Antoni Kala, which I understand means "Castle" when translated. There they spent several years together in their shared interests of alchemy and having kids. Maria had seven children in seven years for Antoni Kala. They also gathered even more interesting folks. I remember coming up with a little list from scrape of a surviving letter. Let's see I remember: An albino turk, a streigo or italian witch, 15 french swordsmen, 12 welsh lancers, a tanner from florence, five artists from Rome, an excomunicated priest from Prague, a natural philospher from London, and a Scotsman by the name of Red Sean. That one always stuck with me cause one wing of the Castle family has bright red haid which always led me to wonder...."
"So alchemy that's turning lead into gold, and stuff. Magic right?" I decided to stick to my water and let the Salmon Festia fend for itself.
"Not so much. I mean sure there was that gold/lead thing. But it's deeper stuff. I don't get it, something about purity, touching heaven. So much crap. You going to eat that?" He spears some of my salmon not waiting for a reply. "Anyway around 1634 things got hot for them again. This time it was a mix of the church and local authorities. They burned down all of Kala's holding and would have probably killed them if they hadn't took off first. They still might have been caught but they split their happy little family into three and hid under the cover of traveling gypsy families. This got them to Portugal where they booked passage. Maria said she had a vision of where to go, a place of safety and security. It took over a year of travel but finally they found this nice little pensula and one look at the Castlemount and they knew they were home. Since then they've been busy busy busy, but in a quiet way. They've changed their names from Kala to Castle and on the surface are so all american they could sell the fourth of July to the Russians."
"That's quite a story," I said.
"That, my friend is just the first course. You'll love the other dishes."

Things You Need To Know #134

The five minutes you lost so long ago are in a train station locker. It's the one with the sticky lock.

This was Something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Humanoid Frogs

Source:  Hell Comes to Frogtown
Location:  In the desert of a post apocalyptic future
Threat Assessment:  4.  They are basically guys that look like frogs.  Not much in anything special except numbers.
Limitation:  They are frog people in the desert. 

Today's Secret Code:

"It's ok to burn your bridges, but best learn to swim first."  Again:  "It's ok to burn your bridges, but best learn to swim first."  Today's Colour is rum raisin red.  Today's Author is a paddle without a ship.  That is all, maho maho John Boy.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Delirium Yeti Surveys His Territory

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #34: Johnny Bison

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

We at VABI are sad to announce the death of John Merriwetyr Stein better known in our community as Johnny Bison. Active in the scene since 1945 he has been a foe to many of the most respected superheroes of Earth 32aa. His ability to grow and gain strength served him well and he had many successful robberies.

What most people don't know is that John Stein was a committed family man. Married to Lola Mae Gladstein for over fifty years until she died of heart troubles. Together they raised three boys and two girls and now there are over twenty nine grand children.

Johnny Bison (who's own aging was slowed by the energies that filled him) thought he'd die in combat. It's sadly ironic that he was instead accidently run over by an ambulance at a moment he had his powers off. After a three day battle in the hospital he finally passed on at 3:23 this morning.

Services will be held at St. Vincent's Church in Queens.

Things You Need To Know #133

When you check for change in a vending machine they take your fingerprints. The files are long my brothers. The files are long.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Mr Hyde

Source:  The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Location:  London
Threat Assessment:  5.  Huge at least twice the size of a man with ape like arms.  Incredible strong and mean.
Limitation:  Transformation is unstable and sometimes become Jekyll at bad times.

Today's Secret Code:

How brilliant is a diamond in the dark?  Again:  How brilliant is a diamond in the dark?  Today's Colour is a sandy rosey blushy yellow.  Today's Author is around.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, April 13, 2012

The Kings of Birds

On Syio 4
the dominent race is known
as the Kings of Birds
as you may guess
they are not humble

A Shifter In Mid-Sneeze

It's hard to keep track of who you are
depending on what you are
and sometimes all it takes
is just one really good
God bless

Characters That Should Be In Movies: "Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser."

I had the great good fortune to actually see the writer Fritz Leiber before he died. It was in Seattle and he had come to a science fiction convention. Time had not been kind to him. He lived in a small apartment in Chicago (with a closet filled with literary awards) and he his body was now trapped in a wheel chair.  But his mind was so sharp that he still remembered line for line EVERY line from the works of Shakespeare.  He was charming, and most interesting, and treated us fan boys better than we deserved.

Anyway the man was a genius and wrote some incredible stories.  He was one of the people that help to create the sword and sorcery genre and while we've seen a bit of Conan we have not seen Leiber's creation in the form of Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser.   First off they are far more witty than Conan ever was.  They are something along the lines of buddy cop movie team if in stead of cops they were warriors in a strange magical world.  Fafhrd is a seven foot tall viking style warrior.  A man of the wild who is given to romantic gestures but is at heart a very pragmatic man.  His friend the Gray Mouser is a little man.  A urban fellow who was once a wizard's apprentice before fate turned him to a life of crime.  Together they fight against all odds an weirdness with intelligence and wit.

Seriously they would be perfect for the screen.  I could definitely see Jackie Earle Haley as the Mouser.  Shame John Goodman is a bit old or he'd have the perfect personality for Fafhrd.  The thing that would make it a good movie is even though they are buddies they sometimes work at cross purposes.  That's because each has a "mentor" a magical figure that is half wizard and half godling.  They often give the guys nearly impossible quests an often impossible to decipher advice.  Fafhrd's advisor is Ningauble of the seven eyes (he does indeed have seven eyes on stalks) and the Mouser has Sheelba of the Eyeless face.  A plot can be easily put together where these two are feuding and Fafhrd and the Mouser get caught up in the middle during an improbably adventure.

Things You Need To Know #132

Werewolves and other shapeshifters hate the apples that Mr. Maegor grows. One bite and their shape is fixed for the month. If they eat the seed they will die. Mr. Maegor knows this and sells his apple to those with certain "pest" problems.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Dagoth

Source:  Conan the Destroyer
Location:  Evil Queen's castle
Threat Assessment:  Since it could destroy the world in theory it has to be a 10.  In personal combat it was very big, with claws, teeth and horn.
Limitation:  Take off the horn and it gets stoned.  Other Gods laugh at Dagoth for unfortunatedly shaped mouth.

Repeat: The Ballad of the Stone

That stone
That damnable stone
I put it up
carved the words with a pistol barrel
took some time
that did

Give me drink
strong drink
I'm a weak man
She wasn't
the baby's mother
She was strong
Held that baby
as it died in her arms
that there mister
is the weight of the world

Thank you thank you
I needed that drink
I need it cause drinking
stops me from thinking
of her tiny fever cry
and fever eyes wound shut
and bright red fever cheeks
oh god she did stink of it

Maybe she shouldn't have been born
the babe of a weak man
and a strong woman
in god's nowhere
maybe not
But I loved her mother
and contrarily she loved me
she's now buried yonder
down row three

God I wish I had never loved
Good God I wish it would have never ended
Now too weak for heaven
bound for hell
Give me the rest of the bottle
you've had your fill
of me
and I'm empty