Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Portrait of a Young Microdemon

Things You Need To Know #90

There is a closet in Westhex where the imaginary is real.  Imaginary friends and imaginary numbers are equally real in a dank closet on the second floor.  Probably not the best place for a rational mind to visit.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Eck

Source:  The Outer Limits
Location:  Another dimension
Threat Assessment:  7.  Though peaceful at heart Eck can slice a building in half by accident.
Limitation:  Fire, bad eyesight.

Today's Secret Code

"Don't dream it, be it.  There is no try.  There is do or do not."  Again:  "Don't dream it, be it.  There is no try.  There is do or do not."  Today's Colour is a wine-ish red purple.  Today's Author still has a joker up his sleeve.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Baillore

The Baillore
is a psychically inclined race
from the crab nebula
They excel at games
and probablities are their playthings

Brides of Blood

Sometimes you have to go back to the past to find something incredibly horrible.  Michael Bey isn't going to live forever after all.  "Brides of Blood" is from the Philipines at the beginning of their golden era of bad film making.  In the future they will be making Roger Corman women in prison pictures.  So some of the directorial decisions in this film are not so mysterious.

Like say how about a rape and seduction in five minutes?  Yeah right.  Ok, so a ship is coming into a remote island and it contains a scientist, his slutty wife, and young hot stud.  Slutty wife gets grabbed by sweaty crewman gets her clothes ripped off and forced into sex which she then likes.  Meanwhile, science hubby blathers and hot stud looks intently.  We haven't even reached the island folks, let's cool our jets.

On the island there are folks doing a tribal burial.  As they pass various body parts fall out and slutty wife screams.  Seems like something on the island is ripping young women into a jigsaw puzzle.  The natives are restless, mean, and out of sorts with unwanted guests.  Luckily up on the hill in the Spanish plaza there's the local mad scientist.  Now I know most mad scientist like a dwarf as an assistant but this guy has like seven.  They are like Ompa Lompas in diapers.  His head man is dressed like a genie.  So he's got style at least.

On the way to his lair they find that the island changes at night.  At night trees will suddenly have fakey looking branches that will wrap around you.  There are other threats though.  The natives are sacrificing their beautiful maidens to a horrible monster.  Hey, did you ever try the ugly ones first?  The monster is pure lump of clay with teeth.

The scientist explains the island was on the edge of the nuclear bomb tests.  So they got some of the bad mojo radiation.  Somehow that means at night some of the wild life changes.  Example, a butterfly becomes and ugly thing on a wire with teeth that gives a bite.  Obviously the big clay lump monster is a man who is turning into a monster.  But who could it be?  Hmmm. Hmmm.

The rest of the movie is obvious but in a bad fun way.  The monster rips off clothes.  Attacks women while seeming to have an asthma attack.  The hunk saves a native girl.  The Scientist and Wife die for dumber than stumps.  The natives at the end are so happy when the Monster is killed there's at least ten minutes of native dancing/seizures followed by lovemaking.  Awwww the end.

This is an incredibly bad movie, but that's its virtue baby.  If you can't dig it don't buy the shovel baby!

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #11: The Collector

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

VABI understands that collateral damage is a sad fact in the careers of many of its members.  Sometimes the innocents suffer.  Some of VABIs members are not very careful about their choices of targets.  VABI's position is that such decisions are on their heads.  Still there are some people that VABI has chosen not to associate with.  Even villainy has certain limits.

The Collector asked for VABI's service and after a review that went all the way to the Hidden Circle he was refused.  The ennormity of his crimes was shocking.  When the police finally caught up to the Collector they found seventy eight children's skulls in his basement.  A horrible record of serial killing that was made possible because since birth the Collector has been able to fit his physical form through any space.  As you can guess that made keeping him in custody a problem.  It was when he was running from the police that he contacted VABI and was refused.  VABI even gave information to the Authorities in a rare exchange.

Eventually they did catch the Collector.  They even managed to put him in a hermetically sealed cell.  He was sentence to death multiple times.  The trouble is that none of the legally sanctioned forms of death seem to have an effect on him.  He awaits his punishment and occassionally escapes.  But that is not VABI's responsiblity.

Things You Need To Know #89

There is a mermaid in the fountain at Taylor Square. She's a bit reclusive and really likes country music. If you have a gold coin and maybe know a Dolly Parton tune she might give you a kiss that will give you good luck all day. Or not. Mermaids can be fickle.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Battra

Source:   Godzilla films
Location:  The oceans, anywhere it can fly to
Threat Assessment:  8.  Super giant flying insect/moth thing with energy beams.  What's not to like?
Limitations:  Wings are still fairly flimsy

Today's secret code:

"Abed, Abed, Abed!"  Again:  "Abed, Abed, Abed!"  Today's Colour is the rainbow.  Today's Author is a happy member of the community.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, February 27, 2012

The Demon Wife Awakes

You'd be angry to if you were sleeping for five hundred years
then got woken up by some kids

Things You Need To know #88

You are on file. You do have a permanent record.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Gorgonites

Source:  Small Soldiers
Location:  Hiding
Threat Assessment:  1.  They are small and hide well and are clever.
Limitation:  They are program to hide and observe that's about it.

Today's Secret Code

"All men die, it is the living we must attend to."  Again:  "All men die, it is the living we must attend to."  Today's Colour is obvious.  Today's Author is Oblivious.  That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Clones of Olivia in Class

They study reading and writing
and chemistry

Grimm Vs. a Dickfellig? Sure Why Not.

Well the world of the vessen is a secret to us humans so it seems only natural that there are secretive societies within the vessen community.  Seems a bunch of lion type vessen, or lowen, have organized an underground gladitorial show with everything but Yul Bryner.  The vessen at the top seem to know about this but they are ok with it as long as only certain people get taken.  Leo Taymor the lowen decides screw that I'll take who I want.  Captain Renard is like no no no.  And you know something bad will happen to Leo.

Until then the episode is filled with nick detecting the hell out of a fight club for vessen.  At least half the show is him bumping around trying to find it.  He of course enlists Monroe, our wolf, to help.  Monroe unfortunately gets captured.  He tries to help a fellow prisoner hoping his mercy will pay off in mercy like in the story of the lion and the mouse, but it is all a big psych.  But before Monroe becomes a rug Nick comes in and saves the day.

There are some good things in this episode.  There's some action at least.  There are some cute lines: "What kind of meat has…a tattoo?”  But the potential here feels a bit wasted.  Would it have hurt to string along the fight club for a couple of episodes.  It would have made for a good b level villain for Nick to go up against.  It still seems that they aren't working as hard as they could be to sell it.  That's a shame cause I like the show.

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #10: the Yellow Jackets

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

VABI will sometimes offer a group rate.  VABI realizes that groups have to start somewhere and often
needs help in their early stages.  VABI offers many programs to help such group including leadership retreats and teamwork building seminars.

The Yellow Jackets are a recent addition to the VABI ranks.  Once they were just a street gang.  Youthful and energetic, but certainly not ready for the supervillain world.  That is until one member, Andrew Washington, had a parascience event happen next to him.  When he came to in the hospital he found he had gained the ability to shoot arcs of electricity.  Even more cool, he found he could share that ability with his friends. 

It took all off five seconds for the Yellow Jackets to elect him as their leader.  Unfortunately, Andrew wasn't ready.  The first couple of robberies turned into fiascos.  The only good thing is that they made a splash in the local papers.  The bad news is every superhero in the area was gunning for "idiot zapsters."  VABI came at that point and offered their services.  True, we can be an expensive proposition but we like to think that we give back as much as we charge.

The Yellow Jackets accepted and we bailed out Andrew.  VABI then did an intense training marathon to help get Andrew into shape to lead his crew.  The results are dare we say impressive?   The Yellow Jackets are now considered a serious threat and just recently stole 23 million dollars in fine art in a day light raid.  Truly a success story all around.

Things You Need To Know #87

There is a pair of red satin gloves in a thrift store.  If bought the owner may after donning them appear to wear any type of clothing he or she desires.  It's an illusion but a useful one.  It is said they belonged to a mystic with more style than money.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Lowen

Source:  Grimm
Location:  Anywhere
Threat Assessment:  5.  Strong lion like creatures of great fighting power.
Limitation:  A tad too um "prideful"

Today's Secret Code

"Sometimes life is so cartoonish I want to paint a tunnel on the side of a wall and when it dries I'm going for it."   Again:  "Sometimes life is so cartoonish I want to paint a tunnel on the side of a wall and when it dries I'm going for it."  Today's Colour is brought to you by the letter R.  Today's Author and his pirates are brought by the letter ARRRGGGHH.  That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

None Shall Pass

Graveyard Shift: A film so wonderfully bad it can never be remade.

Stephen King is if nothing else prolific.   He is also someone that folks seem to think would be easy to adapt.  They are often proved wrong and the world of Stephen King films is littered with the resulting messes.  Certainly Graveyard Shift is a bad film.  Exploded up to a feature movie from an itty bitty story, the film lacks logic, good acting, and narrative coherence.  After saying that though, I have to say I always watch it when it pops up on the TV because there is something hypnotizingly bad about it that just makes it a hoot.

Let's compare it to another King film based on a short story that is equally insane.  "The Mangler" if you haven't caught it is a film about a possessed bit of industrial machinery.  The film has a few interesting points but it is bad in a dull way, a hollywood way.  Now I believe there are three big differences between the two films.

  1. Graveyard Shift embraces Maine with a passion.  I haven't heard so many bad Maine accents since the last time I saw a Murder She Wrote marathon.   At first, it does take away from the film because when you add bad accent with bad acting it acts as a multiplier rather than additive.  But then something happens.  It becomes less badness and more something like a tall tale.  This isn't real Maine this is Stephen King Maine the most eviliest place in the world (don't believe me, the makers of "Once Upon A Time" said as much!)  The lapses in logic become bearable even to a degree loveable.  The film becomes more like a Mad Hatter tea party rather than serious film making.
  2. Graveyard Shift embraces the madness of the story.  We have here a story of a monster under a textile mill.  Why is it there?  Nobody knows.  Wouldn't people have noticed it before since it has a habit of eating the workers?  Nobody seems to have a clue.  Now in The Mangler there is a similar nuttiness in a possessed factory machine specially when it pulls out of the cement and starts chasing people.  That movie though tried to sugar coat the madness with an over arching narrative construct consisting of the weird owner of the factory.  The justification doesn't work, its like lip stick on a pig.  No matter what you are dealing with a demonically possessed ironing machine.  That decision shows that the makers of The Mangler were more concerned with making an "accessible" movie instead of going with the twisted weird heart of the story.
  3. Graveyard Shift embraces the subtext of the story like an undergrad lit major.  See it's all the bosses versus the workers and college boys versus working joes.  The monster is a symbol of the factory and capitialism chewing up the workers with abandon.  So when you accept this subjext as narrative then the motiveless craziness of the boss makes sense.  In many ways this is a hamfisted propaganda tract that's just like what you might get from soviet Russia but with more blood.    They even bring in Brad Dourif as a vietnam vet to bring that muck into the mix.The Mangler comes from the same neck of the woods but the film makers turn it into a boring story of a cult.
There are some good things about the film.  The underground scenes while lacking any logic look fantastic.  The practical effects of the monster beats Syfy CGI any day of the week.  Anyway, there's no way you can get all these weird ingredients back together.  Someone in  the suit would market test this beast right into the ground.  So let's just enjoy it for what it is.  A great big bit of cheese.

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #9: Mr. Mookie

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

The Earth of 23aa has been the target of a host of alien invasions as it so happens on Earths with super powered beings. Often as not there are refugees, escapees, and other assorted left overs. VABI doesn't discriminate against species nor holds a grudge for the various attempts of other aliens to control us or eat us. As long as you pay your dues you are good with VABI.

Take Mr. Mookie as an example. He was a high knight of the Veritan Empire. He led the charge against New Chicago and the Justifiers who were there to defend the city. There were days of fighting, but the tide of the battle turned when Mr. Mookie (his real name is 78 letters long) gave up his forces to the Justifier. Now considered a traitor to the Veritan Empire he has little choice to stay on Earth. He mostly uses VABI's legal surface to combat anti Veritan feelings that effect his lifestyle.

Mostly now he's a paid consultant. He doesn't much care who hires him and he has worked for many organizations that the Authorities would like to break up. Luckily, in a physical fight Mr. Mookie is still an awesome opponent. Super strong and durable he is capable of firing large pulses of searing black energy. Mr. Mookie, however, would rather not fight as it would mess his suit.

Things You Need To Know #86

Their is a dumpster in the alley that opens to George Lucas St. The dumpster acts as an occassional mouth for the Midgard Serpent. As you can imagine it hardly ever needs to be emptied.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Clockwork Girls

Source:  Mirrormask
Location:  The Queen's Castle
Threat Assessment:  3.  They are creepy but mainly they can cast a spell to change people.
Limitation:  Mobility Issues.

Today's Secret Code:

"The tides pull at clams and mountains the same."  Again:  "The tides pull at clams and mountains the same."  Today's Colour is a humble brown.  Today's Author has learned the perils of sneezing too much.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Felinas Are A Friendly Race

so they tell us

Calling Calling

Calling Calling
with the heart with the flames
calling calling
To those who lost their names
To those that walk and walk alone
We call them with flame and bone

The Dead

This a very interesting film and it just shows how a change in location can energize a tired genre. The Dead is set in Africa. A virus or something has gone nuts and people have turned zombie. Whole areas of Africa are being quarantined.  An American Air Force Engineer is busy evacuating himself out of the hot zone when his plane crashes.  He's the only survivor and soon he's on the run from the dead.  He meets up with an African soldier who's looking for his son.  Together these two make their way through a biological hell.

A lot of films like this would make the two men into opposites in someway to create that mismatched friendship.  You know you've seen the trailers... "He's a cop, and he's a crook but they'll have to work together to survive...the DEAD!!!!"   Anyway, while they do come from different cultures they share a military discipline and work extremely well together.  They are standoffish to each other at first but there's no hyper drama and while you can't say they become fast friends you can tell that they do respect each other.

The landscape is beautiful and the dead are ugly.  There are haunting scenes like a midnight truck ride where zombies suddenly appear in the head lights.  There's a horrific scene where they have to explore a dark building with just a flashlight.  The pace of the film is deliberately slow and it might put off the zombie fan of films like "Planet Terror."  I like the pace though.  I think it adds tension and gives parts of the film an otherworldly quality.  The violence is hard core but not cartoony or torture porny.  All in all, I really enjoyed this film and definitely would recommend it to any zombie fan.  Oh, it gets a bonus points cause one of the actors is named Prince David Oseia.  He's probably not but it tickles my fancy to think of a prince in a zombie film.

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated #8: Gero Arte

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

VABI takes no political stances except perhaps a strong attraction to capitialism. VABI does recognize that its members may be far less apolitical. The general rule is a truce between antagonists on VABI property or else. Most members never ask "or else what?" Sometimes it is best not to know.

Among the political criminals (one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter) Gero Arte is a new face on the scene. A Basque separatist it's his self imposed duty to stick it to the Spanish every chance he can. He can do a lot of that becaue Gero Arte is a speedster. He can run at a top speed of 880 miles per hours. He also gets more resistant to physical damage the faster he goes. Armed with home made bombs he burst through nearly any barrier leave a "gift" and run out before the boom.

While they respect the VABI truce Gero Arte has gone up against the immortal terror that is El Roy several times. El Roy considers Gero Arte an upstart and baseborn. Gero just considers El Roy an ass. When they have met under truce conditions there is definite tension in the room. But they both remember...

...or else.

Things You Need To Know #85

Something is leaving footprints in Pioneer Park east of Avalon Texas. What ever is leaving the prints is presumably very big. It should be noted that birds no longer frequent the park. It has become a very quiet place for a walk.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Xtro alien

Source:  Xtro
Location:  Somewhere out there.
Threat Assessment:  6.  High technology.  Capable of limited shapechanging.  Odd telekinetic powers.
Limitation:   Seems way to concerned over breeding.

Today's Secret Code:

"When one of his students asked how he'd like to die Mye Tine Weedle merely said "I wouldn't."  Again:  "When one of his students asked how he'd like to die Mye Tine Weedle merely said "I wouldn't." Today's Colour is a serene yellow that's mellow.  Today's Author is under the weather like a mole.  That is all, maho maho.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The August Master of Stars Passes Through the Gate

The August Master
Has traveled far
Has adventured much
And the world was made better
Even in the places where he just passed water
Now the Master
Leaves the world
Once through the Gate
to the Unseen Palace
None may cross
the same way

The Chemical King Holds Court In the Palace of Still

The dance is about to begin
and the King is eager
to lead


No doubt you've seen Carnasaur if you are a horror fan.  You probably also blotted out the memory of it, or at least you probably should.  It was Roger Corman's stab at all that good Jurassic Park money.  No doubt a good and noble cause, but the script went completely off the trolly tracks and the film itself is dark, dank, and slow.

Basically a crazy doctor is working in a chicken farm.  Well, that's natural.  She loves dinosaurs.  I mean really, really loves them.   She hates people.  So naturally she plans to release a virus that will cause women to give birth to dinosaurs.  Already a little dino is out and growing fast.  People get eaten.  People walk around.  People get eaten.  People look concern.  And Corman gets a check. 

I can't even get up the energy to want to remake this sucker.  It's just bad in a bag.  Besides being boring it's just hard to watch.  Not for violence or anything like that but there is just a dour mood to the whole affair.  Weirdly it was the feeling I was getting in "Redneck Zombies" in its weirder sections.

Villiany and Blackguards Incorporated #7: Maria of the Dogs

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

VABI is very mindful of its members privacy. In a world of secret identies or alter egos being wanted by the Authorities VABI appreciates its members needful paranoia on the subject. However, VABI is also often the target of infiltration by the Authorities. Because of this VABI has a team of investigators when a member exhibits suspicious actions. Sometimes these investigations reveal something amazing, and nothing was so amazing or world threatening than the discover of Maria of the Dogs.

It started with a thief by the name of Ben Cross who had way too much money compared to what VABI could account for. What really made VABI interested was he was taking the money to VABI to be cleaned then taking that money and recleaning it elsewhere. It was in the investigation of Ben Cross that eventually lead to Maria of the Dogs. For you see, there never was a Ben Cross. Only Maria.

The investigators after some time worked out the origin and powers of Maria. Maria was a feral child when people finally noticed her. Her mother and father will always be a mystery. What people saw was a small wild child with one arm scarred with bite marks surrounded by dogs. The dogs that were with Maria didn't seem to have done the biting, instead they did her bidding. They formed a pack of petty crime. A local priest tried to win her over and eventually did for a bit. But his attempts to take her to a safer place to live scared Maria and the dogs attacked. The priest would live but Maria knew he would tell on her so she did the only thing she could think of. She opened a wound on her arm and fed the priest blood.

It was the first time the mass mind that is Maria of the Dogs added another human. Instantly, there was an adult's perspective not to mention intelligence and experience to help guide Maria. Also, there was now an adult human body to protect her from the law. What bothered Maria, though, was parts of the priest refused to intergrate into the whole. The priest was fighting her. This never happened with the dogs since being pack animals to begin with they welcomed the intergration. This left Maria in a quandry, for having tasted human intergration once she was hungry for more. She knew though that she can't have a host of shadow personalities in her head. It would drive her insane. It took a little thought but soon she had a plan for recruitment.

The priest body went back to his work. Maria now lived in his house and spent most of her time reading now that she was instantly literate. The priest body would find those where suicidal and gently guide them. If they were receptive they were given a new deal. Lose who you are, but not your life. To those of a certain mindset this seemed a good deal. Slowly, Maria added one human than another without conflict. She grew in power and in knowledge. At one point she tried recruiting terminal patients but she didn't like the death feeling.

When Maria of the Dogs reached fifty human bodies and twenty five canine ones it went and bought a patch of land that was fairly remote. There they built something that looked like a church. Maria hoped that now there was a "body" of followers that they can increase recruitment along the lines a cult. She wanted to be careful though. She realized that she represented a huge threat to humanity. So that is why she began farming out agents to launder Maria's assets, and that is how the VABI found her.

VABI was impressed to say the least and wanted better access to Maria of the Dogs. An envoy was sent and eventually Maria of the Dogs was won over as a full member of VABI on the condition that her true size and nature was not general knowledge. It has been a good alliance, though VABI has taken a DNA sample without permission or knowledge of Maria of the Dogs. It was simply too tempting to have their own mass mind on the staff.

Things You Need To Know #84

The storage unit on the end of the row of Hugh's Huge Store-it-Rite has a special quality. It can store the more metaphysical qualities of the owner. Need a place for those unwanted memories or sins? There it is. You can even store your whole soul there. Just be sure to keep up on the payments.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Goth Band Vamp

Source:  Suck
Location:  Clubs, the darker the better
Threat Assessment:  6.  Armed with all the good vampire powers and lacking in any emo "gee I don't want to suck anyone's blood" leads to a dangerous combo.
Limitation:  Usual vampire problems.

Today's Secret Code:

"Though they are often lying, sleepers never lie."  Again:  "Though they are often lying, sleepers never lie."  Today's Colour is a hot mauve.  Today's Author will do anything for love, but won't do that.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

...and Sometimes It's Not Just the Eyes of a Painting That Follows You Around the ROom

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #6: The Red Ant

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

When the bottom dropped out of the commie biz a lot of heroes and villains were left flat footed. Some retired, and others joined other causes. Still a few became heroes. Many though just went into plain old crime. Which makes you wonder about their original commitments.  Yuri Danusak spent decades fighting american decadence and capitalistic fascism.  Now he has a 3 story mansion in Europe and VABI is busy handling his 50 million dollars in investments.

Yuri thanks to Communist technology is still capable of shrinking very small.  He was said in his prime to have the strength of one hundred comrades.  That strength is somewhat smaller today, but still impressive.  He no longer wears his armored red suit, nor does he earth drillers or mecha ants any more.  All that tech was sadly out dated and went with the red masters. 

These days Yuri manages transfers of wealth and arms between people who do not want authorities to know they have either.  In these days Yuri certainly seems to have turned to capitialism with a passion.  Best not to say that to his face though.

Things You Need To Know #83

The niter on the walls of the basement of 567 Elkhurst forms glyphs. For those who can read them, the glyphs tell an amazing tale of the last children of angels and the gifts given to them from their rather absent parents and how they had to face the evil goblins. Definitely worth the effort of learning a dead language and spending time in a dark, dank basement. Oh, you did know that goblins love the dark right?

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Ghost in the Machine

Source:  Ghost in the Machine
Location:  In the power grid
Threat Assessment:  6.  The Ghost of a killer who can control machinery and electronics.  He's immaterial and can kill you with an over powered microwave.  What's not to love?
Limitations:  Dude unplug!  If you are near a facility that can do an intense magnetic field or has a particle accelerator you can try that.

Today's Secret Code

"If there are time crystals then watches can exist without watchmakers."  Again:  "If there are time crystals then watches can exist without watchmakers."  Today's Colour is screaming hot coppertone.  Today's Author is flaster than a spleeding bullet.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, February 20, 2012

The Psychic Olia Knows Much

Do not fear her wisdom
she is here for you

Watery Tart Alert

Right, "Once Upon a Time."

Well things are heating up and the narrative is kicking into gear.  These are good things and the episode was pretty decent even if it centered on the character I currently hate the most.  No, not Regina the Evil Queen and Mayor.  No, not Rumpy, you have love Rumpy.  Nope I hate Prince Charming.  I hate him because he is in the real world completely callow and spineless.  He was doing that "I don't want to hurt anyone," jazz that cheating men do way to often.  Hey, if you are two time, someone WILL be hurt.  You will only look more like a jerk by keeping it going.

Now Snow White knows that they have to do the right thing, and be honest about it.  So she gives him just enough spine to break it off with his wife.  But he couldn't even do that right.  He was breaking off with that "oh it's not fair to you because I don't feel the same way now," jazz.  Does anyone ever buy that piece of crap?  Don't think so.  Wasn't like five minutes later that she gets the real story (With PICTURES!!  thanks Regina you completely evil b/witch)  So Snow White gets a slapping at school and the little town starts doing the ol' scarlet A routine.  I think they even added a B and C.  Don't know for sure.

Meanwhile, mystery guy is doing weird things with the magic book.  Did he make a copy?  Did he add new pages?  Anyway the book winds back up in our heroes hands.  Being a busy guy he also dates on Emma being weird and writerly with a hint of wit.  At least he finally gave her his name.  Still don't have a clue as to what his role is.

Weirdly enough Prince Charming's wife gets over things pretty quick and tells Regina she's off out of Storybrooke.  Bad move.  Later her car is found at the edge of town minus her.  Meanwhile Regina who has a key to every house in town steals the letter she wrote for Prince Charming and burns it.  OOOOoo you Regina!

Meanwhile in fairy tale world the BRAVE Prince Charming is riding away from the king who he screwed by not marrying King Midas' daughter.  The daughter catches him, but she's actually cool about things.  She's more sad that the love of her life is still a golden statue thanks to an accident involving King Midas.  Sigh, if there was only some way, some brave hero... Prince Charming is all ...right right I get it tell me what to do.  So he goes off to a pond and a watery tart appears and tries to put the move on Charming.  Doesn't work even when tart goes all Snow White looking.  He kills her and gets the magic water.  Magic water works and true love is in the air.  Inspired by this, the prince goes looking for Snow White again and was last seen with Red Ridinghood on the back of his horse as the are chased by the King's men.

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #5: Stoner

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

Modern villainy has been around since at least the twenties.  VABI recognizes that there are dynasties where powers and costumes have been passed down through the generations.  VABI also recognizes that it is not always an easy process and has programs for mentoring younger villains in how to use their powers.  This service was needed by Eric Glace also known as "The Stoner."

Nearly everyone on Earth 32aa has heard of Black Gargoyle.  He was a member of both The Elementals of Evil and Deathstrike.  Given his ten foot frame and rocky composition people would be surprise to learn he has a son.  That included the Black Gargoyle himself.  It turns out there was a point in time when he was in the authorities care when all sorts of samples were taken.  One of these was a sperm sample, and somehow that sample went astray.  Eric Glace was the result of that lab accident.  Perhaps not as impressive as being bathed in Octagonic radiation, but nearly as unlikely.

When Eric was 15 the genes that Black Gargoyle gave him kicked in.  Though he had no idea how it happened one look at his suddenly changed body gave him a clue as to who his biological father was.  He went out searching for the Black Gargoyle partly so he can understand his powers and more importantly to ask how this all happened.  The meeting did not go well.  After a large scale super power altercation both men were apprehended by authorities.

VABI came in and freed Eric and gave him the help he needed.  He's not as large (he's only eight feet five inches tall) or as strong as his father, but he is now a much better combatant.  He has also learned to create stone missiles that he can throw.  These can be either incredibly sharp or explode upon point of impact.  At their next meeting Eric gave a much better accounting against his father.  They still hate each other, but Eric now at least feels better about himself and his condition.

Things You Need To Know #82

The shame still haunts the house in Oakwoods.  What caused the shame is unknown.  Who's shame it is, is unknown.   What is know is it still haunts the house and sometimes those that live there feel the shame to their very soul.  It is an intense psychic violation that no one is ready for.  No one knows how to exorcise the shame.  The shame still haunts.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Brood aliens

Source:  The X-Men
Location:  Space
Threat Assessment:  8.  Strong, fast, capable of flight.  Double stingers.  They can lay "eggs" into people and when the eggs hatch any special ability and knowledge becomes part of that brood.
Limitation:   They have a hive mind so they aren't much on initiative.

Today's Secret Code

"How does a light saber know where to end?"  Again:  "How does a light saber know where to end?"  Today's Colour is neonic super neon blue.  Today's Author will do or do not.  That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Groot of the Farplain

The Groot is the warlord of his people
with a force of ten thousand spears
he is the terror of the Farplain

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #4: Dee

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

For the most part the big dogs and the mystic types tend to avoid joining VABI. They often either have their own organizations or are beyond material needs. There are of course exceptions like Dee who makes use of VABI's legal services.

Dee is earth 32aa embodiment of God Dionysus.  He got kicked out of Olympus long ago and frankly it didn't bother him one little bit.  As a god (VABI doesn't take any stands on theological issues as long as dues are paid) Dee doesn't need a job or to do crimes.  All his basic needs are met by his very nature.  It is however this godly nature is what gets him into trouble.  He is drawn to areas where alcohol is served and his nature gives everyone around him a "contact high" as it were.  The trouble is that Dee has gotten rather bitter over the centuries and that aura has darkened as well.  There's barely a night that doesn't end in a bar brawl and he has woken up in many a jail.  Mostly it is small damages, but sometimes its a lot more specially if someone with superpowers happens to be drinking as well.  In 2009, there was an altercation with Pug that left five blocks looking like a tornado had blown through.  The police found Dee passed out on top of a church steeple and the Pug with his head wrapped around a car.

Dee later told the judge that they were just having a debate over which baseball team was better.

Things You Need To Know #81

Rattlebartle is a raccoon of incredible intelligence. Just as nature has granted some men like Einstein a mind capable of great feats so has it gifted Rattlebartle. Rattlebartle has figured out how to speak human and how to work a cell phone. Along with an understanding of how credit cards work and knowing a raccoon's natural inclination to "borrow" and now you know why pizzas are being delievered to Rattlebartle's park.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Zygons

Source:  Dr. Who
Location:  Outer Space, Loch Ness
Threat Assessment:  5.  They have high technology that is biologically based.  They can shape change as long as they keep their victim alive.  They are covered in suckers.  They are presumably amphibious.
Limitation:  Few in numbers.

Today's Secret Code:

"Nettles sting yet make a nice tea, but scorpions while they do sting do not make a nice tea."  Again:  "Nettles sting yet make a nice tea, but scorpions while they do sting do not make a nice tea."  Today's Colour is raisin rose woody purple.  Today's Author is woolsy woozy woobly woo.  That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Face Emerges Again

NORAD has no comment
even as the face emerges again
on their screens
all of them

The Ooze Girl Is Coming

Attack of the Giant Monsters

In the nineties they went and remade the Gamera series to great success.  It's hard to believe the mileage you can get from a giant, flame throwing turtle but there you go.  Still as good as the later films are, they don't have the incredible fun badness of the original Gamera films.  Attack of the Giant Monsters AKA Gamera Vs. Gyaos which is the very best of a very bad lot.

After a series of volcanic eruptions Gamera returns to Japan to sup up on good ol' geo thermal energy (Gamera is green dudes!)  Kid in short pants everywhere in Japan are happy that their favorite mascoto is back.  Scientists being scientists want to prod so they go in a toy helicopter to see what they can see.  They are surprised though when a volcano throws energy beams at them splitting the copter in two.  No worries, no one seems to care much.

Meanawhile, a road is being built dang it.  It will be built whether there are volcanic eruptions, or giant turtles dang it.  So it is willed in Tokyo.  So the guy on site and his two boobs get to work.  Farmers though are hating.  So they say you no build the road unless we get maximum green.  Greedy farmers.  Short pants kid doesn't care and would rather explore the strange green glow in the mountains.  He is joined by a less than heroic journalist.  There they discover Gyaos. 

Gyaos is like a big bat.  A big bat with an old fashion iron for a head.  A big bat that shoots out laser like beams.  A big bat that eats little journalists.  Bye journalist.  You won't be missed.  Gamera though pops up before Gyaos can eat the kid.  Gyaos doesn't like Gamera's fire but has a built in fire extinguisher system.  Gamera doesn't have an anti laser system.  Gamera loses in a really bloody fight.

Luckily scientist listen to Short Pants Kid who knows EVERYTHING about monsters.  Turns out that Gyaos likes long walks in the park, drinking blood, but doesn't like the sun.  With these facts in hand they come up with the silliest trap invented since the days of scooby doo.  They fill a big (REALLY BIG) bowl full of blood and put it on a merry go round.  They hope to make Gyaos too dizzy to fly.

Luckily Gamera heals himself and comes back and kicks Gyaos butt.  The farmers and the road crew become friends.  Everyone loves the Short Pants Kid.  Scientists are smug.  The world is good.  A perfect Gamera film.

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated #3: That Helicopter Guy

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

The sixties were a special time for villainy. It became almost an art as many criminals took unbridled joy in sticking it to "the man." Strange figures like The Pop Up Man, or The Telegram Ma'am made a great splash on the morning news during that time. Eventually, though, times change and these colorful figures faded away. Craig Swifter refused to fade. He is still active today even though he's in his sixties. He was known as the Heliman, but most folks today know him as "that helicopter guy."

He presented an odd image even in the sixties. He was an ex combat pilot who still needed to feel the thrill of flight. He invented his rather odd gear. It looked like a lime green oval back pack with numerous straps.  He always would wear a head gear with goggles and noise reduction ear pieces.  On his right side was a metal arm with a joy stick array.  On his left was an odd gauntlet which was also lime green.  His suit was purple with yellow emblem on his chest that is suppose to represent helicopter blades but tends to look like a daisy.  With one pull on his joy stick the back pack opens up and a three foot shaft pops out and ten foot helicopter blades unfold.  Now adays he has a three hundred mile range at a max speed of 160 miles per hour.  With his combat experience he is capable of maneuvers that nearly boggle the mind.  The gauntlet on his other hand can shoot out a grapple line fifty feet in length to snag booty.  He's also been know to use remote control gyro units to pick up bit loot like a truck.

Craig has done his time in jail, a lot of time.  He tends to get captured a lot.  Now he tends to keep to the midwest where there are less capes around to hassle him.  A lot of the younger villains make fun of him, but at least one has respect of a sort for him.  Rotorman designed his battle suit in homage to the Heliman.  But their eventual meeting wasn't good.  Craig found the Rotorman too careless and to easy to take a life.  Rotorman was disillusioned that his role model didn't get what he was aiming at.  They've not met since.

VABI respects career criminals like Craig and have many programs to help them in their golden years.  According to their quarterly report, VABI is planning on buying a south seas island to create the perfect resort for oldsters like Craig.  It's an open question, though, whether proud men like the Heliman will find a rest home of any sort restful.

Things You Need To Know #80

The tears of a mockingbird when mixed with willow water and essence of crickets creates a potion that allows a man to write the perfect prose for what he feels. It's a cheap fix, but many a perfect letter of love have been created over the sadness of mockingbirds.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the day: the 50 foot man

Source:  The Amazing Colossal Man
Location:  Southwest USA
Threat Assessment:  5.  After exposure to nuclear radiation Glenn Manning can't stop growing.  He has incredible strength.
Limitation:  Brains go small as Glenn grows big.

Today's Secret Code

"My whoopaloo has a hole in its hoolapoolik."  Again:  "My whoopaloo has a hole in its hoolapoolik."  Today's Colour is in three d and HD and is shady.  Today's Author is defining space.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Mailita The Knight of Blood

Blood must be avenged with blood
this is the vow Mailita swore
she has had her vengeance
and now travels to help those
who need justice

The Animani

All Animani are bicranial twins
They are never alone
or unhappy

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated #2: Moxie

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.

Moxie's real name is Meribeth Willy the daughter of rich hippies.  She always hated her parents, so when her powers appeared at the young age of 14 she ran away for the life of a bad girl.  Despite a lack of experience or mentorship she excelled at petty theft.  In no time she acquired enough money and street cred to join the VABI youth corp.  Using the VABI she got in contact with high tech black tech equipment suppliers and got herself an Inertial Displacement Suit and has turned to bigger crimes.

Moxie's power is she has spurts of super speed and corresponding hand eye coordination.  These spurts last depending on how well rested she is and other factors of health.  The longest has been five minutes long.  During these periods she can run five hundred miles per hour and has reflexes to match.  The Inertial Displacement Suit (IDS) allows her to stop instantly and change direction almost instantaneously.  This allows her to go through a crowd of people as if they were statues.

Moxie's crimes are all along the lines of a snatch and grab.  She gets close to the target pretending to be a civilian and then uses a spurt to run to the target, steal it, and run to either a get away vehicle or a hiding place.  If chased by superheroes Moxie will play a game of hide and seek using her spurts to go from one place of hiding to another.  If pressed a kick from someone who can run five hundred miles an hour is nothing to sneeze at.  In the VABI she has a good reputation.  In the Youth Corp she's well liked and considered "not weird."  A person others can confide in.  She sends some of her stolen money back to her parents as a way to tell them she never needed them.

Things You Need To Know #79

Dr. Saul Swoll is a master healer, but he doesn't know it.  Folks that should have died live under his care.  He is a good man, and there is nothing bad in his gift.  The only problem is there is only one Dr. Swoll and there is a world full of hurting.

Monster of the Day: Unsullied

Source:  The Song of Fire and Ice
Location:  Slaver Bay
Threat Assessment:  7.  Ultimate badasses.  Trained to be without identity.  To not feel pain.  To master the spear, shield, and short sword.  They had to kill a baby and strangle their favorite puppy to join up.  They are not going to blink at your soldiers or theatrics.
Limitations:  Still human.  Barely.

Today's Secret Code:

"A=I:  H= -21:  B=S:  b=T:  C:  42; The Code is hidden within all the Best breads."  Again:  "A=I:  H= -21:  B=S:  b=T:  C:  42; The Code is hidden within all the Best breads." Today's Colour is an Orange Green.  Today's Author is a green horn.  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Escroli Magganahari Travels

Escroli Magganahari Travels
But Travels Like A Real Person Should
No Silly Walking Or Moving
The Best Way To Travel
Is To Move The World

Kami In Purple

Take Shelter

This is a wonderful low key film.  Michael Shannon is Curtis who's just an average Joe.  He works hard and loves his family.  Mostly things are good, he has trouble dealing with his young daughter's disability of being deaf but he tries.  Really, that's the heart of his character he loves his family and he tries his best.  Things become complicated though when he starts having visions of something like an apocalyptic storm coming.  He begins cleaning out the old storm shelter on his property.  The trouble is, he knows that his mother suffers from paranoid schizophrenia.  These visions could be the symptoms of his own mental troubles, or they are real.  How can you tell for sure?  Are you willing to bet your family?  These are the questions that torture him.

This film, written and directed by Jeff Nichols, is an intense but quiet film.  It has the feeling of one of those dreams you get just before you wake where everything is sort of woven together but sort of still like things were frozen for a brief moment.  The music is wonderfully evocative and the acting is good and direct.  Certainly one of the better films I have seen.

Villains And Blackguards Incorporated #1 The Long Fingered Man

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity.  They take care of legal expenses and investments.  It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths.  In case they do here are some of it's members.

The Long Fingered Man is a bit of a mystery.  He's known to be at least five hundred years old, but no one knows how he has kept alive over the centuries.  He doesn't claim to be particularly magical, cursed, or part of some demigod group.  He does say he lives in several different dimensions at once and even once claimed to be a fictional character from a series of books to be written in 2019.

What is known about the Long Fingered Man is he's something of a confidence artist.  He can speak nearly any language and is a master of disguise.  He takes on identities like a chameleon.  His super power, beyond survival that is, is he can elongate any finger of his hand to a useful, extremely strong tentacle.  Each finger can stretch up to twenty feet and are very dexterous.  He can easily multitask with different fingers.  Each one is strong enough to easily strangle a normal man.  That's not his way though, he perfers the path of the trickster rather than murderer.

Things You Need To Know #78

The stones in the courtyard of 1092 Billhook street were quarried from a stoned godling.  The stones still have some memory and can be awoken in the depths of the night.  Those nights are the safest nights to walk the streets.  The stones deal harshly with common criminals.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Doomsday weapon

Source:  Star Trek
Location:  Coming to a part of space near you
Threat Assessment:  9.  A planet eater.  'Nuff said.
Limitation:  Can be blown up with great personal sacrifice.

Today's Secret Code:

"Does the plow horse know he's being used, or does he think it's just good exercise?"  Again:  "Does the plow horse know he's being used or does he think it's just good exercise?"  Today's Colour is a disenchanted ivory.  Today's Author is cozy cuz.  Tis all, maho maho.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

RickiRack that Cancer Clown

Perhaps some joke of the dark gods
RickiRack pretends to be a clown
a jokester, a fool
but his make up is tumors
and his humor
is darkness

The Puddleren

The Puddleren are a very polite race
from a low gravity world
they look almost victorian
but still use flint weapons
as iron is rare on their world
they also have odd cheeks
due to their ability to store food their
best not to laugh
unless you feel up to dueling

Things You Need To Know #77

The room on the third floor of Miss Beasley's rooming house is three times bigger on the inside than it should be. It's because under the floorboards there is an atlantean artifact that looks like a cross. There are three other parts to the artifact. A square, a sphere, and gem. If combined a device will be formed that will control space within a ten mile radius.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Dracula's Daughter

Source:  Dracula's Daughter
Location:  the city, morgue, cemetary
Threat Assessment:  3.  Might be higher but really isn't into the vamp thing.  Vampiric powers though.
Limitation:  Again, not into the vamp thing.  Goths so sad.

Special Bonus: Brainiac's Daughter
Source: Dukes of the Stratosphere
Location: Night clubs?
Threat Assessment: Unknown, she sounds fun though.

Today's Secret Code:

"Calling in today's code on an old rotary phone:  LEMONSTICK."  Again:  "Calling in today's code on an old rotary phone:  LEMONSTICK."  Today's Colour is a shadowy plum green.  Today's Author is yellar.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Dream Dynamonica

Dreams are energy
energy can be tapped
the Dynamonicas
were created
to store and process
the dream energy

Films I would remake: The Magic Serpent

Oh this is just a joy from my childhood. I've always enjoyed films that dare to straddle genres and "The Magic Serpent" certainly does that. A fantasy film and a giant monster movie, what is not to like? Now to be sure the version I saw was the american version so who knows what the real film was like. That, however, is for purists. All I know is that this film rocked my world as a kid and is still fun to watch.

It starts in some feudal period of Japan. One of those times where folks have their hair shaped like handles, I guess for easy grabbing after being beheaded. Anyway, we open to a shot of a serence castle by a lake. Very nice minature by the way. Suddenly NINJAS! They must belong to the Big Eyebrow clan. I've seen hedges less bushy than their head gear. They all jump around being ninja-y, and guards die and rooms explode and there is a great flury of action.

In another part of the castle the Lord and his wife wake up wondering who let the dogs out. They are met at the door by the Lord's great friend and second in command. He tells them the castle has been invaded and he has been betrayed and only he can tell the Lord who betrayed him. Blame it on just waking up, but the Lord doesn't take the obvious hint and asks who betrayed him. The second of command says of course it is I who betray you and kills the Lord. The wife gets killed by the new Lord's second in command who is basically a sneer in a kimono. But true villainy never is easy, the Lord's futon rat has escaped across the lake.

Or has he? As the boat rows on across the lake, the lake begins to boil and a huge asian style dragon pops up with stag antlers and begins to kill everyone on the boat. The brat stands firm against the dragon with dialog about as silly as the kid's in "The Phantom Menance." Before the movie gets cut short a huge bird comes down and does a slash against the dragon's face and saves the brat. Now roll the credits and let's really begin this puppy!

Years later, a heroic looking fellow is dodging blades and fire in the wild mountains. Turns out it was just magic training between him and the old magician that sent the bird to save him all those years ago. The hero has convenient amnesia over who his parents are and the Master promises to finally tell him, but first go gather herbs in the woods for no obvious reason. As the hero leaves the Master stabs some dirt which was actually a hidden ninja. So the Master knows there are ninjas all around him and sends his student alone in the woods. Is it a test? Was he trying to save his student? Who knows. Personally, I think a lot of trouble would have been saved if they had worked together, but then it would be a shorter movie.

So in the woods our hero is beset by ninjas. He shows first he can fight very nicely regularly, and then busts out some japanese magic on these goons. At one point it looks like his head falls off, and his headless body is running around hog tying ninjas. He wanted information, but these guys are hard core and bite off their own tongues. Oh well, at least he finds a pretty girl hiding in the woods. She's not with the ninjas, she's on her own quest to find her real father. So he says, you know I really like you come meet my Master. I guess this is feudal Japanese first base, who knows? She says yes, so herbs forgotten they skip off to see the Master.

Master though is having problems. His first student shows up first as a snake and then as the Sneer in the Kimono. They have a tense conversation where the Sneer is like, oh hey I really care for you don't mind the poison right? And the Master is all, look you stole me magic scroll, broke my heart and you never write. Also, the Master points at the scar on the Sneer's head. The same scar his bird gave to the dragon years ago. The Master can't be fooled knowing he wants to kill his new student. Well, actually the Master can be fooled as the Sneer produces the stolen magic scroll. Oh noes it is not a magic scroll it is now a serpent. Bye Master.

Well before the Master dies he manages to tell the hero he's the Lord's son and that the Master was killed by the Sneer. So it's double vendetta time! The girl is all gee I really like to help and all but I still got to go find my father. She visits her grandmother, though maybe it's not her grandmother in the original version. Grandmothers don't usually melt into the earth. Anyway, granny gives the girl a magic spider stick. She can use it to call the mother of all spiders but only once. Plot Point!

Our hero does hero things. Like saving boys from runaway carts and then using his immmense magical strength to lift the cart. I love this. They don't give any rules for the magic here, but after play D&D for years the idea of a buff, superstrong magician tickles me. The family is suitably impressed and they go off together into town. This turns out to be a bad idea. The guards are everywhere and they are wise to who the hero is. The old man of the family tries to convinces the guards that the hero is just his stupid son in law even to the point where he's beating on the hero. This tactic works for like five minutes. Then the guards and the lead baddy kill grandpa. Ooops. Maybe the hero should have started acting like a hero about ten minutes earlier.

Well, he makes up for lost time. He soon has the guards in a magic circle and has made the lead baddy pee his kimono by conjuring up the spirit of his dead father. He should have just killed him there, because suddenly the Sneer teleports in. Sneer and Hero have a battle. The Hero, though, is at a disadvantage so it's splitsville. They also split the rest of the family. The Sneer gets the daughter and the Hero gets the brat. Obviously the Sneer came out ahead in that one.

So time passes, and the word gets out. The son of the original Lord is back and he's a badass. The funny thing is that is the Sneer that's letting the word out. See he has his own plans. The lead baddy is about as smart as jello pants, so why not get rid of him and get rid of the hero then PRETEND to be the hero. It's not like there was a Facebook at the time, no one knows what he looks like. It's the perfect plan.

So the Hero is back on the water. Doesn't seem to be a good place for him. Soon water ninjas attack and the kid in his care gets half drowned. The kid is saved by the girl with the spider stick who now has an old bandit type by her side. Hero and girl compare notes and other things and obvious they have a thing for each other. But there's a problem. The girl has finally found her daddy. Her daddy is the Sneer. SURPRISE!

The Sneer is all, well I dumped you for a magic scroll and I never write but you is my baby and you do what big daddy tells you to do. This being Japan in feudal times it flies better than it would now. The Sneer wants her to poison the Hero to save him time and special effects. So later she does indeed poison the hero, but he's still breathing so she will have to finish him off. But she can't do it. Her mentor/companion/guardian? tells her either she has to do it, or he will have to take care of things.
She still can't, so he takes his sword and kills the ninja hiding behind a grill so word won't get back to the Sneer. Whereupon the Hero pops up all better, though a bit put out by the half hearted attempt on his life. Still, doesn't take long for true love to mend the fence and now they are one big crew looking to take out the baddies. The daughter is even ok with the Hero killing the Sneer. Guess he should have sent her a birthday present or two over the years.

Well the big baddy decides to dangle a little lady bait to get the Hero to come to him. The Sneer kills his daughter's companion. Things are now set up for an incredible ending. Not to give too much away but it involves giant flame throwing toads, spiders, and dragons. Lots of fun for everyone.

If I were to remake this, mostly I would just up the special effects to a decent level and fix some of the obvious goofs the Hero makes. I would love to keep intact the manic speed and fun.

Things You Need To know #76

The human heart is delicate and yet invulnerable. Casey Massrick was not lucky in love, and died soon thereafter heart broken. She comes back though on Valentine's Day and goes looking for love. Things still haven't worked out, but she's always hopefull and cheerful. Even when her smile falls off.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Ghoulies

Source:  Ghoulies
Location:  Old house or hell
Threat Assessment:  3.  They have claws and can sneak
Limitations:   Small and dumb.  Also puppets.

Today's Secret Code:

"Voodoo gave us the walking dead, and China gave us the hopping dead, and someday California will give us the driving dead."  Again:  "Voodoo gave us the walking dead, and China gave us the hopping dead, and someday California will give us the driving dead."  Today's Colour is sole full blue.  Today's Author is having a gas, gas, gas.

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Happy Bot

The Happy Bot
doesn't need three laws
just a permanent smile
and a happy outlook


Griplores are computation
that perfer
their energy sources
and hopefully in existential dread

Once Upon a Beast

Well, when I saw the preview of this weeks episode of "Once Upon a Time" I was not eager to watch. The idea of retelling "Beauty and the Beast" with Rumpelstiltskin as the Beast didn't seem like a good idea. Rumpy here, while dangerous, has always been more a trickster figure whereas the Beast in the story was a fearsome monster with hidden depths. Just didn't seem like a good fit, and besides they've been shoehorning rumpy into nearly all the stories so far and it seems they are risking an overload.

Well I was wrong, I can admit that. This was one of the better episodes of the series. To save her town from the Ogre Wars, Belle gives herself the Rumpy and he takes her to his estate and makes her his servant. Despite some early nastiness including teasing her that her duties will include skinning children, they fall in love. It's all rather too quick to be honest. Yes, it's only an hour show but there are ways to show the passing of time to give the relationship weight.

But really this is not about Belle. It's about the continued battle of wills between evil queen/mayor/Regina and Rumpy/Mr. Gold. In the real world story Regina is behind the theft of something Mr. Gold truly values. It drives him so crazy he finds the thief Regina used and beats him up for information. This forces Emma to arrest Mr. Gold.

Meanwhile, in the fantasy world the Evil Queen tells Belle that only a kiss from True Love can free Rumpy of his curse. So Belle comes back and gives old Rumpy a lovely loving kiss. It works, except that then Rumpy wills himself back to his cursed state. He realizes it was Regina who was behind it all and blames Belle as well turning her out. He is left an unloved monster with only a chipped cup to remember that someone loved him once.

In the real world at jail Regina reveals to Rumpy that she has that chipped cup. All Rumpy has to do is say his true name to have it back. He does which reveals that unlike everyone else in storybrooke he knows exactly who he is and why. Of course, revealing this to Regina means he can no longer play dumb. The game between them has entered a new state. What Rumpy doesn't know is that Regina is hiding a piece. Deep in the medical facility Belle is being kept in a cell.

The show ends with a truly evil smile from a truly evil queen.

Things You Need To Know #75

The Spiderling Device can grant a person immense personal power. It can make anyone full of enough charisma to lead entire armies or nations. It can make one ageless. The Spiderling Device does all this for a cost save one thing. It will always point out the one person who loves you the most. If you want to have all the merely have to eat that person.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: spider monsters

Source:   The Mist
Location:  in the mist
Threat Assessment:  6.  spiders that spit acidic spider webs and lay eggs in you.  Ugg.
Limitation:  How about some fire spider monsters?

Today's Secret Code

"There are no secrets."  Again:  "There are always secrets."  Today's Colour is inconsistant indigo.  Today's Author is always on the go.  That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Dire Is Not Happy

The Dire is often unhappy
it suffers in relationships
no one ever gives it gifts for its three birthdays
so is it a wonder it blows off steam
in random slaughter?

In The Shadowy Halls Records Are Kept the song says
you can check out any time you want
but you can never leave

Judgement Dog Is Unhappy We Lost Houston

Things You Need To Know #74

There is a junkyard in Petraville. Named Jolly's Junk. Fifth roll, five down is an old gremlin painted shocking pink, now faded good and plenty. It was owned by a mechanical genius with no sense of style. He used to as a child enjoy watching Speed Racer. He replicated that one car with the fastest engine in the world. That engine is in the gremlin. If you were to use it, it would be best to rewatch that old episode.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Giant Squid

Source: 20,000 leagues under the sea
Location:  In da deep blue sea
Threat Assessment:  6.  In the movie this giant squid threatens an entire submarine.  In real life not so much but I wouldn't try to hand feed one.
Limitation:  Animal Intelligence

Today's Secret Code:

"Does the longest night make for the shortest morning?"  Again:  "Does the longest night make for the shortest morning?"  Today's Colour is rancid red.  Today's Author wishes he was still in bed.  That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Drach

The Drach looks partially flayed
but that is just because its skin is transparent
Though not to the Drach's vision
they say their skin is milky white with golden veins
Such is the nature of beauty