Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Lady of the Pagoda of the Resplendid Celestial Accounting Wishes You All A Happy New Year

...also 10% off now on 6 Demon Bags for a limited time

The Ozadekta Device

Most time machines travel through time
the Ozadekta Device actually creates more time
It can store it in its bivalve batteries till a temporal discharge is needed
With the Ozadekta Device you always have time enough for love

Things You Need To Know #33

There is a warehouse in the raw meat district. Inside are boxes and boxes of Ginzu Xero. It was never sold, there were no commercials. After thousands of years the question was answered: Yes, you can have a blade that is too sharp. One wrong move and you not only had a nasty nick but you found yourself with several years of your life sliced away.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Naked Vampire Chick

Source:  Lifeforce
Location:  Hangs out in comets and merry old England
Threat Assessment:  8.  Destroys London by creating a vampire epidemic.  Can switch bodies.  Really looks like a skinned bat but appears as naked chick.  Note:  being a naked chick is considered a super power by Shadow Conventions.
Limitations:  Doesn't like being pierced by iron swords.  (who does?)

Today's Secret Code:

"Tomorrow is just a year away." Again: "Tomorrow is just a year away." Today's Colour is golden. Today's Author just wants to say "Thanks Mom!" That is all, maho maho.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Things You Should Know #32

That person who secretly had a crush on you in sixth grade still does.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Vigo

Source:  Ghostbusters 2
Location:  A painting
Threat Assessment:  7.  Held New York City Hostage with ectoplasmic slime.
Limitation:  never could take a joke.

Today's Secret Code:

"The more you move, the less sure of your position."  Again:  "The more you move, the less sure of your position."  Today's Colour is fragmenting.  Today's Author is Augmenting.  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Enlightment of Brad Brillman

Neurochemical Enlightenment is rare
but when it happens it can cause
physical transcendence
This happened on stage of the Orphan
in '75
to Brad Brillman
of the esoterrorist band "Myrrder"
There is still a burnt spot on the stage
and the words in the last chorus he sang
can never be said on stage

Stick'em Up and Stick'em High


Gantz is a film that shows you what it would be like if you were a video game character. It would be hell. The film is based on an anime and for my money it greatly improves on the source material in two ways. First, it knocked off a lot of bullshit female humiliation scenes that were in the original.  I swear, did the original author ever date?  Anyway, a lot of that crap was removed and all to the good.  The second reason it's better is simple because it is live action.  It makes its point better with living, breathing actors than with characters designed to look exactly like they came out of an action game.

So what is Gantz?

Well, it's a system as much as anything.  Image this:  you are going about your day happy and ignorant and suddenly a piano drops from the sky hitting you on the old noggin.  You know in those final seconds that you are dead and ;your eyes close to see the bright light and hopefully the five people you'll meet in heaven.  Unfortunately, you wake up in an apartment.  A nice one, but still that's a strange afterlife.  There are people all around you with the same look of befuddlement.  In the middle of the room is a huge black sphere, sort of a hyper thryoidal bowling ball.  Things get freakier as everyone says that they have died as well.  You try to leave but you can't.  Suddenly, cheery music comes from the sphere.  It has the same effect that suddenly hearing the Barney song in the middle of a burning house would have.  Words then appear on the ball saying in effect, "You are dead, now you are mine, deal."  Then more words and the sphere tells you that you have to kill the onion alien who can be recognized by its stink.  You begin to wonder if God himself is punking you when the sphere then opens up revealing weapons and odd suits that you should probably wear.  Don't delay though because suddenly you are teleported somewhere else and the game begins.

This is the situation our heroes come into and the film is about how they deal and don't deal with it.  The rules of the game aren't printed on the side of the box, so they have to figure things out on their own.  More importantly they have to figure how to live their lives when not playing Gantz's game.  Though they are living, they know they have died and worse they know that at any moment they can die in one of Gantz's stupid hunts.  How do you keep relationships with others with that over your head.  How do keep from feeling alienated?

Over all this is a good film with some thought and good action spread through out it.  If I ever play a video game again I'll be kinder to my little avatars, that's for sure.

Things You Need To Know #31

All alley cats know more than they will tell. Getting that information is always difficult. No cat, however, can resist Miss Norra's Cream. It's from a small dairy in Derry, Maine. Always have some on hand when you have to deal with a tough tom with only one eye.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Bobcat and Bad Puppet

Source:  Tales from the Crypt
Location:  Near at hand
Threat Assessment:  3.  Like any other killer puppet they are quicker and stronger than you think.  Oh, and it's not a puppet but a weird siamese twin growth of the ventriliquist.
Limitation:  clingy

Today's Secret Code:

"In Xanadu did Olivia a bad movie errrrrect." Again: "In Xanadu did Olivia a bad movie errrrrrect." Today's Colour is satiny. Today's Author definitely is a Xanadon't. That is all, maho maho.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Mellicity On Rapture 9

Rapture 9
Brings peace
and contentment
for 23 seconds

Don't Ask About the Man Behind the Curtain...Ever

Apollo 18

This is a found footage flick with a cute idea. That there was one more Apollo mission than history allows for. Suddenly we have all this footage found (no doubt from some secret archive), of the last mission. As you can guess it doesn't go well. Though seemingly routine at first, things get bad as our brave astronauts find dead Russians and stranger things on the moon.

On the one hand the tight claustrophobic sets of the landers add a sense of terror. Also as with any of these movies there are scenes that will make you jump despite your best interest. However, the net effect is less than impressive. In fact, it was pretty durn slow in spots. Also, the science nerd in me was left to wonder what did these monsters do wheh there weren't astronauts to snack on. There's no sense of an ecology or a natural order to things. I'm more likely to accept demons than poorly thought out "natural" creatures. That's just me.

Still, this is a decent little chiller and by the standards of most horror films slightly above standard.

Things You Need To Know #30

Find an old typewriter. Then Type in backwards something you need. Take out the ink ribbon and send it in a self address letter to Battlecreek Michigan. If two weeks later a small red headed dwarf knocks on your door accept the package he has. Tip generously.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Eon

Source:  Rudolph's Shiny New Year
Location:  North Pole
Threat Assessment:  4.  Giant bird that wants to stop time.  Looks like the evil puppet bird from "The Giant Claw."
Limitation:  Cannot stand up to the power of good, or funny lookin' ears.

Today's Secret Code:

"0, 0, 2, 2, 4, 4, pattern recognition, 8, 8, chaos, 32, 54, 12, hike."  Again:  "0, 0, 2, 2, 4, 4, pattern recognition, 8, 8, chaos, 32, 54, 12, hike."  Today's Colour is alien.  Today's Author was an alienist.  That is all, maho maho mushi mushi.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Glappy Klasp

Glappy Klasp is a minor demon
not even an A minor one
and is really only known
for lack of taste in dress
Still a demon of the order of Flames
should not be treated lightly
Always bring gifts
and a fire extingusher

The Skies of Mars

The sky of Mars has changed
since the seeds of Earth blossomed
and there grew the huge carbon stalks into the sky
making fairy tales true
now the stalks blow into the thin thin air
strands of aerogel
now pink and red clouds
coccoon mars
holding in
fragile atmosphere
but sometimes
when the settlers look up
they swear something is looking down

Things You Need To Know #29

Sometimes around sundown a radio station will bleed into the station you have been listening to. There is a voice, strangely accented reading a series of numbers. If you were to write them down you will no doubt break the code easily. What happens next, though, is never easy though sometimes rewarding.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Grover

Source:  Seseme Street
Location:  Seseme Street
Threat Assessment:  -24.  This little furry blue monster is not a threat, though he has frightened himself in the classic book about there being a monster at the end of the book.  Of course, the monster turned out to be Grover himself.  What a relief.
Limitation:  Self confidence issues.

Today's Secret Code:

"If you are going to lie, lie for a friend.  If you are going to steal, steal a heart.  If you are going to cheat, then cheat death."  Again:  "If you are going to lie, lie for a friend.  If you are going to steal, steal a heart.  If you are going to cheat, then cheat death."  Today's Colour is silver.  Today's Author loved the silver age.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Old Made New

Cyborgs are already something of a function of recycling
but the ReMad-E
Take it even farther
robbing from dead cyborgs to enrich themselves
They make themselves stronger and stronger
till they break
and fall to their brothers

Casting Suggestion...

I understand that they are remaking "The Wizard of Oz."  May I suggest that Dolly Parton do the role of the Glinda.  She has the voice, the build, and she has the good humor that seem to define the original film. 

Things You Need To Know #28

Their is a church in Manchester with a small crypt.  At the north end of the crypt there is an unmarked grave.  If one were brave enough to spend the night on that grave, then in the morning they will find themselves fearless enough to face their worst problems.  There is no record as to who is buried there, but one deacon vaguely remembers it was  a veteran named "Fred."

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: 3 Armed Martians

Source:  Twilight Zone
Location:  Once Mars
Threat Assessment:  2.  They have 3 arms and high technology.
Limitation:  Wiped out by 3 eyed Venusians.

Personal note:  Damn Venusians.

Today's Secret Code:

"Time does not march on, but dances like Fredfrackinastair."  Again:  "Time does not march on, but dances like Fredfrackinastair."  Today's Colour is brassy.  Today's Author is surprisingly ungassy given Christmas feasting.  That is at the mall, maho maho.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Things You Need To Know #27

Do not open the blue box with no gift tag.  The one farthest under the tree.  If you do open it the lights on the tree will dim and you will never remember what you had lost in opening it.  The present within the box is regret.  The only cure for it is known to Momma Mala late of New Orleans.  The person who has left this box is unknown and perhaps unknownable.

This was something you needed to know.

Today's Secret Code:

"Enjoy the present." Again: "Enjoy the present." Today's Colour is the same shade as Rudolph's nose. Today's Author plans to eat well and enjoy the momentary peace. That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Things You Need To Know #26

The Krampus is now in retirement. There are enough people hurting children that he doesn't feel the need to work. He lives in a small cottage in upper New York. He gives generously to charities.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: George the Snowman

Source:  Loony Tune Cartoons
Location:  Up the mountain above the tree line
Threat Assessment:  3.  Though very strong he had no desire to harm.  Could pet to death though.
Limitation:  Thick as a brick and very adverse to warm climates.

Today's Secret Code:

"Peace and God's grace be upon thee gentle readers." Again: "Peace and God's grace be upon thee gentle readers." Today's Colour is hopeful. Today's Author is a child again. That is all, maho maho.

Friday, December 23, 2011

A further explanation...

Our motto should read, "We who are about to dream strangely salute you."
It seems babelfish is not as poetic as one might hope.

Things You Need To Know #25

It is a well known fact that one in five yule logs sold in Barrentown are from a formerly sacred grove to Diana. These logs burn exceptionally well, but one should not be too close to the fireplace. The smoke (which smells of cinnamon and dreams) can lead to visions, and not of sugar plums.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Santa

Source:  Santa Slays
Location:  Anywhere he wants to be
Threat Assessment:  7.  A lot of pent up magical energy, hate and frustration as he's finally free of his compulsion to give gifts.
Limitations:  Still has some honor.  Can be baited into contests even a mortal could win.

A brief explanation...

A dog ate my computer...
I apologize for being away
I'm still reconstructing
(we can rebuild him....faster...stronger...)
I have great hopes for the future
Be merry and well
and even happy and gay

Today's Secret Code

"I've yet to dance with an angel, or play cards with the devil, but there is always hope."  Again:  "I've yet to dance with an angel, or play cards with the devil, but there is always hope."  Today's Colour is bar argent.  Today's Author has a twinkie in his eye.  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Today's Secret Code

"I've never been lost, but I've been confused for a week or two."  Today's Colour is happy and peachy.  Today's Author is a happy dancer.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Christmas Ghosts Are Watching.....

....and you thought only Santa cared
who was naughty or nice

Girolini's Lizard

Dr. Girolini descovered this unique lizard
it's tongue tentacles made it able to catch larger prey
Dr. Girolini also unfortunately discovered
the toxicity of its secretions

Marceline's Closet

I've always said that generally the best episodes of Adventure Time involve the Vampire Queen Marceline. She just messes with Finn's radar so badly that it always leads to enjoyable hijinks.   This time while waiting for Marceline to come home, they sneak into her house even though they were told not to.  When she does come sooner than expected they find themselves trapped and take refuge in her closet.  They get a good view of Marceline just being a person and doing those things people do when they think they are alone, like nose picking.  The boys try to sneak on out, and fail but they learned a lot. 

Maybe too much.

This was a fun episode and I was amazed at the honesty of it.  Also, I admit the moment when Finn tries to sneak out and accidently caught sight of Marceline in the tub made me have about the biggest Adventure Time laugh ever.  For all his heroism Finn is just a boy and that glimpse was both mortifyingly embarrassing and way too much information.  He goes back in the closet and tells Jake, "Not going out again." 

Definitely not intended by the animators but as I watched this episode I flashed back to the similar scene in "Blue Velvet."  One crazy part of my brain was hoping that a madly animated Dennis Hopper vampire would come in and completely blow Finn's mind.

Things You Need To Know #24

Dr. Lipshine accredited from the Institute de Institution is the master of treating Meme cancer. Most of his patients live a long life after treatment. There are side effects like dreaming only in the orange hue or being unable to hum. The patients know that is better than having a large tumor LOLing them to death.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Invisible Rapist

Source:  The Entity
Location:  Around the victim
Threat Assessment:  4.  Generally just wants to have his way with his victim.  If someone tries to stop it though it can get quite irate with massive supernatural power.
Limitation:  Pretty much single minded

Today's Secret Code

"The World is a gift."  Again:  "The World is a gift."  Today's Colour is a .gif.  Today's Author is not a grifter.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Sad Eddy

Eddy didn't want to be a mutant
and he certainly didn't want to kill
He was a victim of circumstance
and plutonium

She Fades In And Out, A Variable Spectre

The Nutcracker, The Untold Story

The unhinged story more like it. This was released last year in 3D and bombed like shoe bomber doing tap lessons. Bad music and bad ideas lead the way for the reason why this is as a loved as porcupine hug. Mixing in Albert Einstein and making the rats nazis is just insane. Making the rats super scary when they grow teeth like tigers is a really good idea for a children's film.

All in all, a waste but a fascinating one.

Once Upon A Time Chalks Up It's First Victim (yeah right)

The Sheriff is dead, long live the sheriff.

If you believe that, I got some land to sell you in Atlantis. Now despite the naked grab for attention of killing a major player, it was a very decent episode. For one thing, the plot finally gets into forward motion. Emma gets kissed by the sheriff and suddenly he remembers bits and pieces of who he was. It's not really pleasant. Turns out (surprise) he was the woodsman who was to kill Snow White and place her heart in a box.

As per the story, he wusses on the job and lets her live. The evil Queen Boss has been taking it out his hide ever since. It was sort of sad to see the character running around crazily trying to put back together a life he wouldn't want to lead. But there it is. It is proof that Emma can kill the queen's curse.

As always with the show the best bits are tiny little things on the side. At one point the sheriff is running through the wood and he encounters Mr. Gold/Rumplestiltskin in his business suit with an apron and a shovel. Mr. Gold says he was just doing some gardening. In the middle of the woods. The sheriff is too freaked to do anything other than accept Mr. Gold's story, but I'm sure we'll see more woodland "gardening" in the future.

The other thing of interest is what the evil queen does with hearts. Turns out she can take the heart out of a living creature and basically do that ol' voodoo stomp with it if the owner is being bad. This leads to some fascinating questions. First, since she still has the hearts she collected in Fairy world does that mean that magic works equally well here? Why not collect Emma's heart, or Snow White for that matter. We still don't have a good idea of what her limits are, but her nasty index definitely went up a tab or two this episode.

Things You Need To Know #23

There is a homeless man, you will recognize him. He has the dime sized hole in his left cheek. He will ask for chewing tobacco. If you give him some he'll ask if you have a piece of paper. If you do he will take it, and spit on it greasy black tobacco spit. He'll then neatly fold it in two and hand it back to you and thank you kindly. Later, if you unfold the paper you will be pleasantly surprised by words formed by the spit. They will describe a memory you had lost that was very good.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Nazi Andy Warhol Rat King

Source:  Nutcracker in 3D
Location:  Rat City
Threat Assessment:  5.  Well.. he has his own army of nazi rats, his mother knows black magic, and he's a huge rate that can make his teeth grow five times their size with annoyed.  For a kid's villain he's not only creepy but darn right scary.
Limitation:  Not so smart, a little girl beats him.

Personal note:  What the hell were these people smoking?

Today's Secret Code

"The past is a map of how you got to this point, not a seer to predict where you'll go next."  Again:  "The future is a map of the past yet to be, not a censor that reduces your free will."  Today's Colour is Agency Orange.  Today's Author is on a red eye flight of fantasy.  That is all, and what's that smell?  Maho maho!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Fella Morganta

A major demon of the anathema class
the fella Morganta guards
the third gate of Hell
currently under a supermarket
in Ohio

Hecubia Felinius

A minor demon that shares the form of a feline
Hecubia Felinius is fascinated by human blood
and can be easily fooled.

Things You Need To Know #22

There is a picture in a VA hospital ward, ward 23 to be exact. It is suppose to be calming and peaceful. But one look at the bucolic fields of grain causes most people to feel terror. If the examine their feelings they will realize they are seeing faces among the wheat. Faces that they know. At the corner of the painting is the name of the creator. He still sells canvases at crafts fairs.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Electric Larry

Source:  Get Crazy
Location:  Any where
Threat Assessment:  2.  A magical being of great power, Electric Larry is more a trickster figure.  He likes to use magical drugs on people.
Limitation:  He ain't going to get a date looking like a cowboy jawa....

Today's Secret Code

"This is not a code."  Again:  "This is the code."  Today's Colour is transparent.  Today's Author is obscured.  That is all doll, maho maho.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Jo Ronny Bounty Hunter

Jo Ronny hunts interdimensional memegardeners for bounty
He is of the Morg race
and can only be killed by radiation
and cabbage

Blutbaden Shouldn't Pal Around

So far the best character in Grimm has been Eddy the good wolf.  It's not fair really Nick could be a better character but he has to play the good guy and hero of the show.  Eddy being the wild and crazy sidekick is given more leeway for character growth, and he has.  He's not just Nick's walking encyclopedia of creepies, he's a senstive soul that likes fine wine and a morning work out.  It's hard to imagine him as an uncontrolled beast.

This week we got to see what that beast must of looked like. 

After an explosion at a rather odd looking house an even odder character Hap is in need of a place to stay.  He calls a friend.  Nick already notices he's, despite a very laid back manner, is a Blutbaden but he's still surprised to see that the person who picks up is Eddy.  Seems they took the same "12 step" program to become good wolves.  Later, Nice will  meet Hap's sister who is anything but good.  She was also Eddy's old flame and they get back together for a wild night.  How wild?  Well blutbaden having wild sex will covered in rabbit blood is certain going off the track.

The rest of the episode follows Eddy strain of trying to stay a good wolf and Nick's investigation of the explosions and murder.  Turns out that there is a feud going on between the wolflike Blutbaden and the pig like Bauerschwien.  It's an interesting idea to turn the story of "The Three Little Pigs" into the Hatfield and McCoys but it works. 

This whole episode works.  It was entertaining and I like where it went.  We saw some nice character growth and we are getting more pieces into this odd world that is "Grimm" 

Things You Need To Know #21

If you write a secret to 1042 Carpathic Stain Drive and post it, a letter will be sent back.  It will come to you, or someone you know.  It will be addressed as coming from "The Once."  Within the letter will be an answer to a question.  The stamp will be that of an eye.   A watching eye.  Do not return to sender.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of Day: Bauerschwien

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Today's Secret Code:

"If life is but a dream, then are we the dreamers dreaming or are we the dreamt?"   Again:  "If life is but a dream, then are we the dreamers dreaming or are we the dreamt?"  Today's Colour is unred.  Today's Author is well read.  That is the call, maho maho.

Friday, December 9, 2011

A Hyperdimensional Jiki 'jiki fetish

The Jiki 'jiki live consciously in seven dimensions
though they craft their fetish with natural resources like wood
they bend them in and out of other dimensions creating
unique art

Gul Krang Mountain Man Mutant

Gul Krang has a mutant gene that doubled his muscle mass
and skeletal structure
not comfortable with people
he lives alone in the woods
at peace

No Reinigen Is Not A German Beer...

They are rat people.  Worse, in the picking order of the Grimm universe they are considered low beast on the totem pole.  They do have the ability to control rats with music, but that doesn't seem to impress their neighbors.  This is to say the least, leaves them a little touchy about their place in society.  Tonight's little episode is all about that as a Reinigen teen faces problems dealing with rich humans in school.  They look down on him for being a rat catcher's son.  He's not a happy camper and anyone with half a brain can see a "Carrie" scenario coming down the pike.

It's a good over all episode.  They made great use of our favorite nice wolf who has one of those conversations that we all hate when we try to give wisdom to the young.  I'm becoming a little concerned about meeting a new beastie every week, Portland is becoming chock full of part time monsters.  Still, it's interesting watching Nick fit into his new world.  It's clear he's not like the other Grimm's in that he's a cop first.  If the monsters aren't breaking any laws he's willing to let them be.  Of course, most aren't aware of which leads to funny little bit of one poor schlob realizing who's house he's in and having a complete and total freak out.  You know, right now the only power we know a Grimm having is to see the others, but I wonder if that's all.  From the very extreme reactions these Grimms are total badasses.  We shall see.

Oh, and I totally want an Electric Cat Head.

Things You Need To Know #20

Mr. Mico Moto has written a small list of addresses.  He claims each address is an ancient shrine to an unnamed diety.  Mr. Moto further claims that the addresses he added a check to can still accept sacrifices and from those sacrifices a person may gain great favor.  Mr. Moto, however, did not describe the nature of the sacrifices to be made and now the authorities make sure he has no vistitors.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Couch Potato

Source:  AD 2000
Location:  In your home
Threat Assessment:  3.  If you buy one it first seems lots of fun, and you don't have to feed it.  It eats by watching television, at first.  Eventually though it eats those that watch television.
Limitation:  Not much ambition. 

Today's Secret Code

"Those critics who remind us again and again that christmas trees existed before christianity never consider that the first Christians prayed with a language that once was used for other prayers."  Again:  "Those critics who remind us again and again that christmas trees existed before christianity never consider that the first Christians prayed with a language that once was used for other prayers."  Today's Colour is festive.  Today's Author is fabulously funky.  That is raw, maho maho.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Der Raum Voyager' s-Geist

Der Geist
Fliegt jetzt für immer
in der Lücke
 und Lieben die kalte,
kalte Dunkelheit mit behandschuhter Umarmung

Things You Need To Know #19

Do I really have to tell you not to touch the monkey you found in the house that has been haunting your dreams?  Do I have to tell you not to wind it up?  Do I have to say if you do, you will die, your love ones will die, and even your pets and mailmen?  Perhaps, however, you don't know that if you do touch the monkey when they find your corpse it will be smiling.  Forever.

Monster of the Day: Krang

Source:  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Location:  Dimension X
Threat Assessment:  5.  Not an imposing physical specimen, but has a great brain and knowlege of advance technology.
Limitation:  Big Ego, itty bitty body.

Today's Secret Code:

"Dr. Brian O'Bilvion said we'll all have television names; he was right about the names wrong about the medium."  Again:  "My User name is 'Prettykitttyboomboomhumpalot."  Today's Colour is a cold croenberg Creame.  Today's Author is on the roof shouting, "Long live the new flesh."  That is all for this transmission, maho maho.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Goblin Shamen

Well respected in his mob
the Goblin Shamen works hard making bone potions
and fire pills

Astral Crabs are Difficult to Get Rid Of....

...and stop that giggling


I was well prepared to hate this.  It has all the problems of the original source; the lalala song and the overuse of the word "Smurf" and all its variants.  It has some horrible choices in voice talent, Katy Perry and George Lopez stand out.  George Lopez as a smurf... really.  Sigh.  It has huge pop cultural references thanks to its plot that lands the smurfs in New York City.  It is a huge idol of commercialism that pretends to be anti-commercialism with an all too flimsy plot.  Yep, I was prepared to hate this.

But I couldn't.

Like in the "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Universe," I had to raise my evaluation to "Mostly Harmless."  Firstly, it turned out to be a perfectly fine kids film.  I don't expect kids to have the dislike I have to George Lopez (best examined in "Family Guy," "George Lopez continues the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.")  The film's plot works, it's funny, and the actors are willing to be silly.  The stand outs are Hank Azeria as Gargamel and Neil Patrick Harris.  Hank Azeria overacts with fun abandon where as NPH pulls back and is voice of snide sanity.  It creates a nice balance of views.  I loved how Gargamel would enjoy pretending that steam vents were ultra dramatic fog to come out of. 

There are definitely worse things to show your kids.

Things You Need To Know #18

There is a can on the back shelf of your kitchen.  It's so far back you can barely reach it.  You don't remember buying it.  It's a green color, though you would swear the color shifts when you turn your head.  The label is worn and looks something like "Liberty Meens."  If you throw it away, it will eventually find its way back.  Best to ignore it.  Do not open the can.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Drow

Source:  Dungeons & Dragons
Location:  Underground
Threat Assessment:  7.  These anti elves are competent and capable of creating mass destruction.  They are well trained warriors with a lot of magic.  They tame giant spiders.  For fun.
Limitations:  They hate their fellow clans and spend more time plotting against them than the outside world.

Today's Secret Code:

"The sword is only as good as the steel and the swordsman, the steel and the swordsman is only as good as the smith and the teacher."  Again:  "The sword is only as good as the steel and the swordsman, the steel and the swordsman is only as good as the smith and the teacher."  Today's Colour is red and hot.  Today's Author has yet to be caught.  That is the call, maho maho.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Sisters Greet the Dawn

The Arenae Sisters will never have a normal life
but they are happy enough
each morning
they climb up the window
to greet a new day
never knowing
what wonders
they'll see

Babyface Strikes Again

I Might in "Neverland"

SYFY actually does rather well in these miniseries. I didn't warm to there deconstruction of the Wizard of Oz or Alice in Wonderland because I thought they came off at the end as weirdly flat. Still, I found them watchable with some decent production values and acting. Neverland actually is step up from both of its predecessors. It really comes off as someone went to H.G. Wells and said, "Hey write the origin of Peter Pan but do it in a science fiction way."

So Neverland is now a planet, and magic is weird steampunky science. Cool, I like it. So something bad is happening in Neverland and little spheres are sent to earth. Bang on one and you get your ticket to Neverland where you don't age. So over the centuries pirates and indians have banged the spheres so that's why they are there. Now we are in Victorian London and James Hook, thief and fagin, is after a sphere. He is raising boys including Peter Pan in a life of crime. Well there's some sphere banging and now everyone is in Neverland.

Things aren't happy in Neverland. The pirates want to get the Indians and Fairies because they have plans to use fairy dust for their own purposes. The boys fall in with the Indians and Hook falls in of course with the pirates ruled by the vicious pirate queen. There's more to the plot, but that would be telling.

The thing that really makes this work is Rhys Ifan who plays hook. He has a natural decadent charm to his performance. He's the fellow you KNOW you shouldn't believe, but you can't help falling for it again. This is important because the drama of this piece is in how the relationship between Pan and Hook falls apart but gets put back together again until they reach that stage that we know that Hook will lose his hand to the croc (in this case a multilegged croc) and the two will forever be enemies. Before that, everytime Hook betrays Pan he comes up with something new to put on the table to keep Pan close. It's all very interesting and I could have used even more of that and less of the mysterious heavy.

Overall, fairly good.

Things You Need To Know #17

The Knights of the Blue Suede King spend their time gathering the true relics of Elvis Presley. It would be an easier job except some of the relics seem to have a mind of their own and have escaped from the vault many times. Add to that the random Elvimancer seeking to use the power of Elvis for evil means, and the Knights are kept busy. Their current secret password is, "Hey, didn't I see you in a picture with Nixon?"

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Rabid Grannies

Source:  Rabid Grannies
Location:  They are the stay at home types
Threat Assessment:  4.  Really only dangerous to the slow stupid people that inhabit horror movies.  These demonic grannies thanks to a curse are stronger than the average granny, clawed, and very mean.
Limitation:  Even demonic they can be destroyed with enough force applied.  They don't have much vision, they merely want to hang around the house and kill their family. 

Today's Secret Code

The Right Writer can write the wrongs and wring out the light to fight the wights.  Again:  The Writer Right can write wrong and wring wights and fight even light.  Today's Colour is mauve-y.  Today's Author is marvelous darling.  That is small, maho maho.

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Geen Sage

The Geen have worked hard on their psycho-om tech
A Geen Sage can see the future with decision matrix
of four to six decisions
The Geen have never bothered with a stock market

Crypto Agents Are A Proud Branch of the CONSPIRACY

Prince Charming?

So last night on "Once Upon a Time" was soap opera night. Emma found out that the sheriff is sleeping with Queen Mayor. Which given that their "relationship" has amounted to a couple of days shouldn't hurt much. On the other hand, Snow White and Prince Charming are having a real bad time of it. Prince Charming, who now is just a john doe who woke up from a coma with no memories, doesn't want his "wife" and wants Snow. Snow doesn't want to be a home wrecker but is of course attracted to the guy. Oh the angst.

The fairy land part of the story really doesn't clear thing up. In the real world the prince says he didn't choose his wife because that person is no more. Ok, I can dig that. But the fairy land story which shows he's actually Prince Charming 2.0 doesn't help actually. The story is that Rumplestiltskin got the king a child cause he couldn't have any. The child grew up to be a strong prince, but got killed just before he had to kill a dragon to save the kingdom. So Rump reveals that the Prince is just one of a pair of twins, and so the King comes over and tells the other twin (a shepard) be my son or I destroy your farm and family. Later, after he actually kills the dragon he's told by the king, "Marry this princess or I'll destroy your farm and family." So of course he says I do. Then on the way to their new home he gets robbed by Snow White and we seque into the earlier stupid flash back with the trolls a few episodes back.

Ok, here's the problem. He DID choose. Granted the choice was basically do this or I'll kill you and everyone you loved, but he did choose first to become a prince, and second to the marriage. Now if his other twin had agreed to all this, then ok I'd see the reason to bring up the whole twin thing. As is, it's just sort of extra baggage with no clear purpose. Now, I will say I like that the King paid for the information on where the twin was by telling Rumplestiltskin where to find the fairy godmother. The same fairy godmother that Rump wasted for her magic wand. He's definitely a mover and shaker.

So, over all, not a great episode. It does, however, move the narrative ball forward so points for that.

Things You Need To Know #16

Some have reported seeing a signed blank check sticking on top of a garbage can or other such places where there is trash. The check is the color of money, unusually crisp (considering where found) and signed by Mr. I. M. Slant. It is so crisp one should be careful of paper cuts if one should pick it up. A few people have reported using the check. Besides being immoral, they say they gained bad luck in porportion to the money they stole. A few even said they met Mr. Slant, but would not elaborate.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: shrieking eels

Source:  Princess Bride
Location:  Sea
Threat Assessment:  3.  Nasty teeth and attack in numbers while shrieking.
Limitation:  Animal intelligence.  Get out of the water and you are safe.

Today's Secret Code:

All that glitters is not gold sometimes it is the mark of winter.  Again:  Retniw fo kram eht si ti semitemos dlog ton si srettilg taht lla.  Today's Colour is a sliver of silver.  Today's Author is writing a slice of life.  That is tall, maho maho.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Misstress Illumina

She's the life of the party
the death of ignorance
she is the light that guides
though sometimes to the rocks

A Krillian Canibal Wonders Who She'll Be Having For Dinner

Things You Need To Know #15

On Florida Street there is a house that does not belong. You will know it when you see it. If you can get the current owners permission, go to the first floor bathroom. Open up the medicine cabinet and feel along the right side. You will find a bit where the metal has been replace with cardboard. Peel it aside and carefully reach in. You will find a flask with the colorful label reading, "Doc Grizzley's Polar Warmer Potion." The label claims it will cure what ails you. The liquid inside smells bad but no one can describe how. No one has tasted it yet.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Gingerdead Man

Source:  The Gingerdead man
Location:  Bakery
Threat Assessment:  -1.  Yes he manages to kill very stupid people.  But he's a living cookie.
Limitation:  Glass of milk.  Practically anything.

Today's Secret Code:

"If you are going to lose in life; lose some weight, lose your fears, and lose those nagging gremlins holding you behind."  Again:  "If you are going to lose in life; lose some weight, lose your fears, and lose those nagging gremlins holding you behind."  Today's Colour is crayonic.  Today's Author is practically philosophically bionic.  That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Leading the Blind

Only the Cadre Masters
of the Void Cant
can see
but he shares his vision
with his crew
as they come
come for you

A Catro Maka Navigator

The Catro Maka
are a astrally amphibious race
able to exist in several dimensions at once consciously
They like marshmallows and DMSO

Things You Need To Know #14

There is a leash tied to a dead tree in Mr. Trig's backyard. It's a stout leash, almost a chain. At one time the leash tore into the tree creating a ring around the tree. If you were to sneak into the yard (Mr. Trig would never give permission), you would smell something rank where the leash is. Not so much wet dog, as drowned dog. Remember, do not untie the leash from the tree or play with the catch. Remember.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: H Men

Source:  The H Man
Location:  Japanese sewers
Threat Assessment:  6.  Liquid creatures that turn you to liquid with a touch.  So basically untouchable, but they so much want to touch.
Limitation:  Fire seems to work....somehow.

Today's Secret Code

"My dog still loves me, even though he knows I keep the best food for myself."  Again:  "My dog still loves me, even though he knows I keep the best food for myself."  Today's Colour limrickery lemon.  Today's Author is writing an Ode to poodles.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Krzzin of the Violated Dimension Considers Moving To Green Pastures

A Dark Casting

There is a moment
when all the powers have been gather
the runes been cast
sacrifices made
a moment with all that power
ready to spring out
to the will of the caster
Sira Mihoun is feeling that moment now
and soon her rival will feel it in her bones

Doggy Vu


The Asylum tends nowadays to deal in "Mockbusters," those films made to confuse granny at the DVD store so instead of getting "Transformers" you got "Transmorphers."  Amazing how much money can be made that way, but there's nothing new in it.  Roger Corman would spot a trend and rip it off before it even knew it was a trend.  The difference between the Asylum and Corman and even (God help us) Charles Band is that the Asylum has no personality.  A little personality can forgive a lot of glitches.  The Asylum product is just that; a product that is massed produced and shipped out without any care save for the bottom line.

Sometimes, though, a film will slip through the Asylum assembly line with just little something extra.  Definitely not a good film but at least you are left with a little something other than the taste of popcorn.  11.11.11. is such a film.  It's basically follows the same script as "Rosemary's Baby," or "The Omen."  A nice family moves into a house with a past in a city that while looks peaceful is actually Wackyville.

Seems like everyone in town is in on a conspiracy.  That conspiracy revolves around the date 11.11.11. and demons.  Never a good combination.  The plan seems to super possess the little boy in the family on his birthday which is on.... 11.11.11.  So while we wait for the big day we get the usual crazy omens and deaths that these things generate.  Wasps popping in, folks being run over right in front of the house, stuff like that.  Things that should make any sane person say, "Hey honey, let's go see how the water is in Miami, or even Sidney."  I particularly loved the crazy old lady next door.  She knew what was happening, but she wanted to jump the magic gun and get the kid before the others so she's always offering the very dumb kid a glass of poisoned lemonade and such.  Luckily, his dad keeps half an eye on him or the film would be a good hour shorter.

Oh while looking for a trailer for this opus I found out there was a far larger budget 11.11.11 movie.  Ah asylum, you putzes.

Things You Need To Know #13

The stars are not shining.  They are crying.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Mind Flayer

Source:  Dungeons & Dragons
Location:  Astral plane, and under the ground
Threat Assessment:  Originally:  5   Now:  8.  A mind flayer was originally just another monster.  Smarter, yes.  Full of psychic ability, oh hell yes.  Able to eat your brain if you get too close.  Not too shabby.  As the D&D mythos grew though it turned out that they were a large race of scheming tyrants armed to the teeth with weapons, magic, and various minions and beasts.  It's enough to make a drow go pale.
Limitations:  They are still mortal and cold steel is still an answer.  A better answer though is ranged weapons.

Today's Secret Code

"Never trust a man with a snow mobius strip on his desk, he's bound to be one sided."  Again:  "Never trust a man with a snow mobius strip on his desk, he's bound to be one sided."  Today's Colour is polyoccidental.  Today's Author is like a rain god, hail and hearty.  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Doka'T Select

In case of parallel theology
the Doka'T Select
have a culture that looks
quite a lot like that of the Amish
Obviously not a star faring race
they have fallen under the protection
of the Mokchopslatz
who like the lizard cheese

Strange Angel Zalapharalaradamaheim

Doesn't mind being called Zala for short
Zala watches over those kill without hate
many of her charges work the stockyards
never knowing they are being protected
from their own actions

Things You Need To Know About #12

WORMHOLE ALERT! REPEAT WORMHOLE ALERT! A wormhole was sighted in Clapklorg Germany. Witnesses said it was last seen up a chimney in a small condo. Witnesses also report that it sucked in one Jen Gentz leaving nothing but a pair of smoking boots. That was odd, because she wore sandals. Witnesses say that this wormhole smelled like lemons and sad paintings. Wormholes shift unpredictably so keep an eye and a nose out for it.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Monster Minds

Source:  Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors
Location:  Space
Threat Assessment:  7.  A bunch of hyper evolved plant things that have shoe horned themselves into clumsy vehicle cyborg forms.  They are armored and highly armed.
Limitation:  Stormtrooper syndrom:  They can't hit the side of a planet. Also, Jayce has a doohickie from his dad that if he ever figured how it worked could end the Monster Minds forever.

Personal Note: Did anyone ever get the toys from this series?

Today's Secret Code:

"The secret of giving is to keep giving."  Again:  "The secret of giving is to keep giving."  Today's Colour is merry and bright.  Today's Author's hair is such a fright.  To all a good night.  That is all, maho maho.