Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Mage Unleashes

The Mage of the Mount
Clad in dopplering shield
unleashes the seven
dire dour spells
of ruination
Be woe
his foes

Thank You For Calling Geisha Kami Incorporated

...please hold for the next Goddess

Best Quote From Last Night's Lost Girl

Lost Girl is just getting better.  We are getting more insight into the Fay world, and Bo is just wonderful as the bad girl buffy.  The writing is also getting tighter.  I about blew pepsi through my nose when I heard the line on the other side... (it's not safe for the work place)...

Paranormal Activity 3

Stephen King in "Danse Macabre" listed three types of scares: terrify, horrify, and the gross out. Not to say that Mr. King is not a master of his craft, but I wish to add one more level of scare and that is the cheap scare. What makes this different from the others is that it does not actually have to be scary. It's when the film maker purposefully manipulates the viewer to jump in their seats no matter how silly the pretext. The best example of the cheap scare is old cat jumping from out of frame onto one of the characters. Sometimes it seems cats rain from the ceiling in horror pictures, but no matter how many times you see it you still jump.

The Paranormal Activity series is the Alfred Hitchcock of the cheap scare. Whether you like these films or not you will jump, you will almost spill your drink, and your heart will quicken. This is quite an achievement considering that the series is based on bad photography and something you never see. The characters tend to be as flat as card board, and the plot is pretty much non existent. For all that, these films just work remarkably well. It's like a bunch of psych majors were put in charge of making a scary film. They work like clockwork.

The third film is pretty much exactly the same as the first two. A family suddenly gets an unwanted visitor in the form of something invisible and malicious.  In this portion it seems drawn to the little girl of the family and the parents form the two poles of horror movie stupidity.  The mother seems to want to ignore the whole thing, and the father who's a video camera nut wants to record everything.  So between the two of them nothing gets done for about 3/4ths of the film.  Look, I don't want to belabor the point but to paraphrase from Eddy Murphy, "When the house says 'Get Out,' then get out!"

The best thing about this installment is that the video nut takes apart one of those fans that go left to right and then puts a camera on top of it.  We have long scenes of a camera slowly panning left then right.  Left then right.  Then just put something scary on the left, and the audience hates it when the camera starts moving right.  You can almost feel the psychic wave of "Don't move!  I want to see more!"  Then on the right is some family member completely innocent of the threat.  Then the camera moves left, but the scary thing isn't there anymore.  Then it moves right and the scary thing is right behind the family member.  It's a formula for a nitro fueled nightmare machine.  I envy the geniuses who thought of it.

So, these films are shallow but they work and they work well.  If you need a scare this is your puppy to be sure!

Things You Need To Know #64

There is a wax cylinder in a coke bottle at the bottom of an abandon well on a farm in a town that no longer exists. How it got into the coke bottle without either breaking is a minor mystery. If played you will hear the voice of Edison giving instructions on a different type of light bulb that requires diamond filaments. It will cast a light like none you've seen and more importantly reveal shadows perhaps no man should see.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Creeping Terror

Source:  The Creeping Terror
Location:  California, Outer Space
Threat Assessment:  In theory 5.  This huge caterpillar like thing sucks down hundreds of people, but in the movie they have to sort of wiggle in so they must be suicidal.
Limitation:  High explosive and movie critics.

Today's Secret Code:

"The hyena can snap a spine in two with a bite, but the lion gets the press."  Again:  "The hyena can snap a spine in two with a bite, but the lion gets the press."  Today's Colour is veldt gold.  Today's Author is being wery wery quiet cause it's wabbit season.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, January 30, 2012

A S//alnt Guide

The S//alnt are a psychically powerful race
Guides armed with control collars
can take ships from any probable universe
to any other

The World Is Full of Troubles

I Promise No Cracks About the Mirror

So this episode of "Once Upon A Time," certains on the magic mirror.  I know they want to keep the central mystery on the back burner, but at this rate there will be episodes about the mother of the seven dwarves, or snow white's manucurist. 

Anyway, in Fairyland our mirror was once a genie.  He was set free by the king via his first wish.  The King did so because he wants everyone in his kingdom happy.  His second wish was to give the freed genie his third wish.  The Genie then says that wishes tend to backfire in his experience of granting 1,001 wishes.  Something he might have mentioned before hand. 

Meanwhile in the real world Mayor/Queen/Witch is doing her usual douchery do.  She has fired the Mirror in the real world from his job in the news paper.  He of course gets drunk and decides to wreck her with the help of Emma.  Emma is like, ok as long as we do it all legal like.  Give you a  clue how long that lasts.

Meanwhile meanwhile, back in the fairyverse the genie falls in love with the evil queen.  The evil queen is unhappy because she will always be number two in the king's heart.  Well ok number three if you count snow white.  The genie pitches some genie wooing and gives the queen a mirror so that she can always see herself as he sees her.  Of course, this does not escape the attention of the King.  The King summons the genie and says he knows someone is rubbing his rhubarb but he doesn't know who, so he gives the genie the job of finding out who.  Now, maybe I'm just a rube, but it seems to me if the queen is suddenly two timing with someone one's first suspect should be the handsome fella that just joined the court at the same time.  Just saying.

In the real world Emma thinks she dug up some dirt.  Her and the now crusading reporter crash the town meeting with news.  .......and the Queen/Mayor/She Who Must Be Obeyed wiggles out of it with ease, and makes Emma look like the world's biggest ass.

In Happyland the Queen gets locked up and is prepared to kill herself with snakes.  Snakes that come from the same land as the genie so he knows they are a one bite and check out forever reptile.  He stops her from serpentcide and promises to kill the King instead.  Remember that bit about wishes going all FUBAR?  Yeah, well king gets it in the asp.  Now the Genie comes back and the Queen says, "Opps they know it was you cause it was snakes from your land, you better blow the castle and never come back."  The Genie is like oh yeah I figured you used me but I love you so much and I'm not leaving.  Genie wishes to always be able to gaze upon her face.... gee people forget their own advice about wishes.  Genie is now a mirror.

Is that a promotion?

In the real world we learn that it was all a hose job.  The mirror has not turned against his mistress and now Emma thinks she has a friend when instead she has a viper close to her.  So episode wise it was embarrassing in places.  They also forgot that Emma supposedly can see through lies.  The thing that sells it is the acting, but it was a near thing.

Things You Need To Know #63

The creature has no name.  It lives in the attic on 3rd and Vine.  It eats bird nests, stray mice, and sometimes bigger games.  It spends most of its time though reading and rereading an old book it found many years ago.  It doesn't really understand who this Tom Swift is, but sometimes it dreams of bright rooms and surging electrical engines.   Downstairs sometimes the neighbors hear the hum.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Oily Man

Source:  Malayasian folklore
Location:  Malayasia
Threat Assessment:  3.  This oily creature generally only assaults his victims in the middle of the night.  The black oil that covers him makes him slippery and difficult to see.
Limitation:  Malayasian folk magic can protect.

Today's Secret Code

"A lot can be read into a knowing smile, if you let it."  Again:  "A lot can be read into a knowing smile, if you let it."  Today's Colour preductuliciously putridly patoisionous purple.  Today's Author is protectively proactive.  That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Celestial Ladies of the Orion Shrine

The Orion Shrine
is  revered and well visited
The Celestial Ladies
are not wanting for material things
but they are not interesting in those things
as they travel from star to star
singing the songs of Orion

Even Villains Need Pets

The Scorpion King 3: The Battle For Redemption

My light of my life told me she was going to watch "2012," and I said "Well, that's good cheese love." She was confused for a second thinking that I didn't like it. So I explained that I liked it fine because it is cheesy. Sometimes a film will just take such a flight for reality and logic that you can only admire the results. This brings us to the Scorpion King. The entire series is based in cheese like the Wisconsin economy. The third movie in the series has just intesified the cheese factor to an almost nuclear level.

I had a most excellent time watching it.

Now let's get aside the bad. The script. Sucks. The plot. Cliched and sucks. The story is the usual got to go fetch the magic dingus from the bad guy before he can rule the land bwahahahaha. The worst thing, though, sadly is Billy Zane's acting. Now there is cheesy over acting, and there is just smirking. Billy Zane, in this film you did smirk mightly. It was like Billy Zane was in a totally different picture and was not made aware that he was acting with others. He even in spots referenced the acting style of Jim Carey in the Ace Ventura movies. I swear, it's the truth, he did it and he shouldn't have. Billy, if you are reading this, all is forgiven based on past performances but please learn to act with others.

So the good. Victor Webster did not suck as the Scorpion King. He had a light touch to his role, but didn't lose touch of the sad back story of the Scorpion King. He not only looked like he could handle the action scenes, but he seemed to be having a heck of a time. His buddy was even more fun. Boston Christopher played Olaf, a misplaced Viking with much humor and energy. I really want to see more of this guy.

Also, just let me say that the warfare scenes were impressive for a production of this size. Using a lot of practical effects and more extras than I thought they could afford they really did give a good feel for warfare of the period.

The film was exciting and humorous. It's still cheese but it's a darn good slice.

Swamp Volcano

Swamp Volcano....really Syfy? That's the title you are going to go with? Swamp Volcano.


Besides being just a horrible title, it's really not accurate. Most of the action takes place either in the Gulf or in Miami. One student does get cooked in the swamp and some alligators become stew but really that's about it. Might as well have called it "Wet T Shirt Volcano."

Anyhooo... an evil firm is using stolen science to get more oil. They then accidentally drill up magma and start the whole volcano thing going. For some reason the evil leader thinks he can hide disappearing oil platforms and volcanoes.  Well can't fault him for thinking small.

The hero of the piece is a pretty geologist who's theory that the Gulf was made by volcanic action was what the evil firm stole.  So of course she is the first one to spot the danger, and most qualified to fix things.  While all that sleuthing is being done we get see volcanic action in action.  Probably the most amusing was the "steam tsunami" where ultra hot steam blows onto a Miami beach turning a wet t shirt contest into a bloody one.  It's hard to screw up a cloud of steam but Syfy puts the effort into it.  The burn make up helps making things look more silly than scary.  Overall the special effects are to Syfy's usual low standards.  The opening shot of the oil platform, for example, makes it look like the platform is floating above the sea.  Good work guys.

Overall, not the worst of Syfy's offerings but that is something of a problem in that it slants more towards boring than cheesy.  The best you can say is that it is forgettable and mostly harmless.  The worst you can say is just keep repeating the title.  Swamp Volcano. 


THings You Need To Know #62

There is a bad echo in the old theater on Peachhip street. It is said to be the echo of a scream as a worker feel from the rafters. Others say it is the dying gasp of old Jacob Janson as he died of a heart attack on stage. Whatever the source the echo still rebounds in the theater. Sometimes almost too soft to hear, sometimes too loud to ignore. It comes when you least expect it and will at the very least give you a scare.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Giant Frickin' Turtle (Nope Not Gamera)

Source:  The Bermuda Depths
Location:  Give ya two guesses
Threat Assessment:  5.  Giant turtle about the size of destroyer.  Can take a direct hit from an RPG.  Can seek most ships.  Also has a ghostly, pretty lady which makes for a good distraction.
Limitation:  Really just wants to swim in the sea.  No big plans.

Today's Secret Code:

One can span any distance with the right imagination.  One can span any distance with the right imagination.  Today's Colour is Wofflerberry Creme.  Today's Author is dancing the light fandango.  That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

A Klingon Remote Viewer

Psychic abilities are even more rare among Klingons
than humans
Those that do have ability
often show the skill of Remote Viewing
which definitely has military applications

Congratulations, you've found the brood chamber.

...enjoy your very short stay

Real Steel

I wasn't prepared to like this film nor hate it. It looked like a sappy film that kids would like and I would find hamfistedly trying to grab my heart. Well, I was right to an extent but the amazing thing is that they pulled it off.

The story centers around robot boxing. Why this would be a popular sport I don't know but some folks like demolition derbies so I guess the same principle applies. Hugh Jackman is a desparate man running robots that are on their last legs. He owes everyone money and he's only still in the game on a wing and a prayer. When his last robot gets of all things gored by a bull it looks like the end.

Then, as the narrator of trailers often says, something wonderful happens. His son is about to get adopted by some rich people and they just need him to sign the papers to release his responsiblity to a kid he's never even seen. Hugh though must have seen "Rainman" however and instead takes the kid under his wing hoping that he can milk some money out of rich folk. Of course you know they'll wind up bonding. Of course the little robot they do get turns out to be a fierce fighter. Of course they start winning. A film like this isn't really about surprises. What was surprising as I said was that I went with it. What sold this film to me was the acting. Both the kid, Dakota Goyo, and Jackman just act the hell of this film and make rise above the source material.

Things You Need To Know #61

The sad little blue house on Griffin Way was built with a saint's relic in the foundation. No evil can reside within the house. Remember that, and always be on your best behavior.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Giant Mantis

Source:  The Deadly Mantis
Location:  Once entrapped in Ice, now whereever there are people.
Threat Assessment:  6.  It's an insect the size of Godzilla.  Being a Mantis it has those scythelike claws and mandibles.
Limitation:  Smart as a stick.

Today's Secret Code:

"Dentures were mankind's first tottering step to becoming cyborgs."  Again:  "Dentures were mankind's first tottering step to becoming cyborgs."  Today's Colour is cherry blue.  Today's Author is considering a random walk.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Het Wijfje van de winter

She has no friends
she has no children
no lovers
she is cold
cold as stars
cold as the end

Eater Swarms

Eater Swarms are a threat on the Final Line
They infiltrate substrata
they eat anything not radioactive
they already have that covered

Final Destination 5

People die. Then they don't die. Then they die again by the most absurd means possible. There's a twist, which isn't a twist, because this is the fifth picture of the series. The end.

That's pretty much Final Destination 5. I will say in damning with fainting praise mode that the series is remarkably consistent. There might be a quarter star difference between Final Destination 1 and 5 but for the most part you know exactly what you are in for when you slip the DVD in. Honestly, I sort of dig the series. I enjoy the idea that death would go to all the trouble to kill someone with a can of coke, a feather, a toaster, and five fifths of gin. This version of death seems like the type of being that would get way too into model trains. Specially if it could blow them up at the end.

About the only difference in this version is that they tried for a bit more gore here in the deaths. They also hired David Koechner to add a bit more comedy to show. If they keep hiring more comedians I can see in the future people literally slipping on banana peels to their death.

Anyway, if you want to see something both gory and silly this isn't too bad.

Things You Need To Know #60

Alabastard Wight is an artist of the streets. He travels from city to city despite his inability to see cars. He will spend hours working on his side walk chalk drawings. If you tip him well and give him some chocolate milk he will do one of his special drawings. Anything can come through or pass through one of these masterpieces. Except cars of course, since he can't see them.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: brood babies

Source:  The Brood
Location:  Canada home of horrible medical weirdness
Threat Assessment:  3 to 5.  By themselves they are like psychopathic five year on PCP.  As a group they can take a human with ease.
Limitation:  Kill the source of rage and they all die.

Today's Secret Code:

"Always smile in the freeze frame."  Again:  "Always smile in the freeze frame."  Today's Colour is an off an on white.  Today's Author is considering busting out a bust.  That is allowable, maho maho.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Grand Evocation of Elementals

Direwolf puppy approved...

Things You Need To Know #59

Lommy, Glommy, and Even Bommy are three scraggly teddy bears. Made in 1904 by some nameless craftsman and member of the illuminati. It is said that if you bring them together they will come alive. Lommy will tell the secrets of the Illuminati. Glommy will tell the secrets of imbuing life into objects. Even Bommy has nothing to say. Beware though, bears are very hungry even teddy bears. Keep them well fed or they'll be forced to find their own fodder.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Hulk Dogs

Source:  The Hulk
Location:  Around Hulk Daddy
Threat Assessment:  3.  Normally dogs that can hulk out would rank higher, but the hulk doesn't take long to sort them out for the pups they are.
Limitation:  Well trained but still animal intelligence.

Today's Secret Code:

"Some days life can be like riding a horse on a razored saddle."  Again:  "Some days life can be like riding a horse on a razored saddle."  Today's Colour is a nice little chestnut.  Today's Author is considering walking.
That is all with more cowbells, maho maho.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out.... JOB 41:19

A C.R.O.M. Reaper

The C.R.O.M. Corporation is interested in heavy metals
if it locates a good source it will do what it must to secure the site
The Reapers are large Executioner Grade Artifical Genocide Providers
There are no squatters on a C.R.O.M. claim

All You Bases Have Belong To Envy Girl

Things You Need To Know #58

There is a campground near Crater Lake in Oregon. If you hike one mile north by northwest you will find a large dead tree. Fifty feet up from the roots there is a cleft in the tree. Within the cleft is a hive of bees. The honey from that hive could grant youth and health with certain alchemical principles applied. The bees will defend their hive mightily.

This is something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Woodbeast

Source:  Flash Gordon
Location:  On the Forest moon
Threat Assessment:  3.  Deadly poisonous, but you have to stick your hand in its lair to get bit.
Limitation:  Animal intelligence

Today's Secret Code:

"The speech is over, it is safe to wake up."  Again:  "The speech is over it is safe to wake up."  Today's Colour can be found in Good & Plenties.  Today's Author thinks he'd rather eat a welcome mat than Good & Plenties.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


The Chibipire is an artificial lifeform
meant to be a cute living mascoto
to young goth girls
after the unfortunate recall
and the congressional committee
it is still a mystery
why so many went bad
so very very

The Hellstrom Circuit

Ants are already a mass mind
It was only a small evolutionary skip
for them to start forming biocircuits
creating hiveputers
There are new crop circles in Arizone
Each a visual representation
of mathematical proofs
that humans were not aware

Hey Judgement Dog Your Favorite Show Isn't On Tonight Because of the State of the Union...Your Thoughts?

In Lost Girl the Story Might Be Whispy But the Characters Are Not

The second episode of "Lost Girl" has sealed it as my favorite Monday show. Alcatraz might have the glitz, and Being Human might have the soap opera, but Lost Girl has all the fun. It's like if Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a bad, bad girl. Bo is not some emo vampire tormented by the fact she sucks out human souls. Sure, she wants to control her hungers, but she doesn't get all upset about it.

So in this episode she and her gal pal are getting all set up. You got to love their lair. It beats the bat cave just because it has its own vending machines. I'd never leave my room (much) if I had my own vending machines. Anyway, a rather odd looking Fay pops in and starts lighting green fires. Turns out he's a Will O' The Whisp and he wants to hire Bo to find a treasure stolen from him. In return he promises to tell her some information about her past. Bo of course says yes.

As she goes through her case we get a better feel for the Fay world. The two Fay cops we've been introduced to obviously act as "cleaners" for the Fay community. They get a little upset that Bo seems to be using their services too much. We also find a nice bar that stands as neutral ground between the light and the dark. We also learn that these sides have been near to war for thousand years now. So there's some tension yes.

The episode moves fast, it has a nice sense of wit, and the story wasn't too dumb. The characters are getting into their grooves and I really want to watch the next episodes.

Things You Need To Know #57

Butter and sporks and lamps and cats and sporks and copper wire and twisted paper and rubber bows and broken sporks and.... The Horde of Mr. Micomidden has grown out of all porportions. It has slithered to the lowest level of the city and gained something like intelligence but more like hunger. The horde feeds itself now, and one's only hope for escapes lies in either fire, or the spare spork.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Venom parasite

Source:  Spiderman
Location:  Space, then earth
Threat Assessment:  6.  Able to join with people and give them super powers.  The powers tend to mimic that of spider man but with more teeth and claws.
Limitation:  Sonic attacks.

Today's Secret Code:

"The seeds are sown and the seams are sewn."  Again:  "The seeds are sown and the seams are sewn."  Today's Colour is the violet flower.  Today's Author has the power.  That's all, maho maho.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Ladytronic 900 V 2.0

The Ladytronic is a marvel of gynotech
A caring, empathic artificial intuitive intelligence
the ladytronic is a perfect companion

Not the Fastest Food....

We Hardly Knew Ye Stealthy

Last night's "Once Upon A Time," focused on the main B story of the series so far of the romance between Snow White and Prince Charming. In the real world, they are making goo goo eyes at 7:15 every morning as the "accidently" bump into each other at granny's for coffee. While they are keeping their hands off each other they having a virtual affair like weasels on viagra.

In the fantastic world things are also about the same. Prince Charming is going to save the kingdom and marry King Midas' daughter for all the free tires the kingdom needs (not), and Snow White is in the woods feeling about as low as you can. So she decides to go see Rumpelstiltskin who gives her a love removal potion that also will remove her memories. Rumple only asks for a hair on her head and judging from his giggles has been hitting the nitrous oxide pretty hard that night.

So what will bring true love together? Why being given the bird. In both sides of the story a bird appears. In the real world it's a hurt bird that needs to be brought back to its flock or forever lose its one true love, and in the other its a bird sent to Snow by the Prince to say essentially, "Hey still thinking of you, come on over to the castle and we can hook up!" In the real world, Snow goes into the wood and is followed by the prince as they try to help the poor little birdie. In the fantasy world things don't go as easy and Snow is caught and put in a cell. In the cell next door is the biggest dwarf you ever did see by the name of...Grumpy. Yep, it's the cute meet between Snow and at least one of the seven dwarves.

Oh did I say seven? No Grump and Snow is freed by the EIGHTH dwarf "Stealthy." Never heard of Stealthy dwarf? Well that's because he wasn't stealthy enough. He winds up dead and Snow is recaptured. True love never has an easy path. At least this episode made things interesting between the two. The two young lovers tend to be the most callow part of the series but they are gaining in depth. Another fun part of the episode is the new mysterious stranger and his mystery box. Emma needs someone now that the Sheriff/huntsman is gone.

Definitely one of the better episodes of the series so far. Still, we need more Stealthy Dwarf!!

Things You Need To Need To Know #56

Dr. Mallimar has spent years recording those stories where the mother has to save her children and suddenly is lifting the car. Stories like that are always good filler for the back pages of the newspapers or in this day in age the less series parts of the internet. Dr. Mallimar though is very serious. He has plotted each incident and using some math, he believes he can predict where the next incident could occur, if certain events were to happen. Dr. Mallimar is currently learning how to make a pipe bomb. Science marches on.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Dragon Man

Source:  Marvel Comics
Location:  Marvel Universe
Threat Assessment:  5.  Very strong, can fly, and is very toughed with armor like skin.  Can breath fire.
Limitation:  Not bright.  Prone to be used by super villians.

Note:  Dragon Man wears something that looks like a diaper.  Who's changing that thing???

Today's Secret Code:

"Chicken bingo is the sport of dunces, but the eggs are free."  Again:  "Chicken bingo is the sport of dunces, but the eggs are free."  Today's Colour is cheesy bleu.  Today's Author feels the need for speed.  That is all in the sprall, maho maho.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

What a Cute Little Devil....

...still a toddler of only hundred years old


I've been a fan of anime since I saw my first fan dub of "The Bubble Gum Crisis" at Norwescon. It's a beautiful medium with a lot of potential. Unfortunately, it generally wastes it. It's easy to get annoyed at anime with the same five plots and the same three characters. Then, just when you are ready to chuck it all you see something like "Redline," and if it doesn't restore your faith in humanity it at least makes for a funky time.

Now "Redline" isn't really original, but what it lacks for in originality it more than makes up for in energy and bugaboo whooting chaos nutso crazy. I've never seen anything like it, oh wait I have. The last time I saw animation this crazy it was attached to a film called Party 7.

Redline comes off like someone gave Ralph Bakshi in his prime a bunch of LSD and cocaine and then sent him off to Japan to make an anime version of the "Wacky Races." So the plot such as it is has our hero with hair so big it counts as an extra limb trying to qualify for the redline the biggest race in the galaxy. He loses because his no account friend and mechanic is working for the mob. He wins a place in the race anyway when it's announced it's going to be in a war zone which causes a lot of folks to drop out. The rest of the movie has our hero meet the other racers including the very cute Cherry Boy Hunter. Then of course there is the race, followed by the cyborg troops sent out after to kill them, magical princesses, and huge akira style monsters. It's an amazing movie where literally anything can happen and probably shouldn't. Cars probably shouldn't morph into beautiful girl robot with tires on her hips and her drivers enclosed in the silicon(?) ta tas, and it shouldn't be doing a funky dance that takes out cyborg assassins.

Clearly, this is a film that doesn't give a hoot about traditional notions of story telling, logic, or normalacy. Luckily, the music helps bind the craziness together. A song like "Yellowline" is less music and more a drug that synchs your heart into this ten thousand miles per hour movie.

Things You Need To Know #55

The Gathering of Star Eaters believe all things are relative. Look up in the sky and the stars are so small to the eye. The Star Eaters believe in turning this into more than just an illusion. With a sacred ritual they believe they can reach up into the sky, pluck a star and eat it down. Of course they cannot prove their claim since they concentrate on stars of ten thousand light years or more away. But some day the skies might get suddenly darker.

This was something you needed to know...

Monster of the Day: Funkyboy

Source:  Redline
Location:  Roboworld
Threat Assessment:  8.  A bioweapon about the size of Godzilla with a screaming energy weapon that takes out mountains.  Oh can regenerate.  Joy.
Limitation:  Not too smart.  Sort of in a ragin' mood.

Personal Note:  Oh my, is it just me or have things gone a little Akira in hear?

Today's Secret Code:

"When life gets you down, go find that duck!"  Again:  "When life gets you down, go find that duck!"  Today's Colour got stuck in a duct once and is greyer for it.  Today's Author wanted to go buy a duck but got wet instead.  Tank u berry mulch, that is all, maho maho.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

An Ethernaut Prepares for the Great Splish

The ether awaits the brave
twenty two billion dollars of money
the accumlated wisdom of science and alchemy
and in the center one brave human
sits well protected
waiting for the ether gate to open
with that odd sound
best described

The Universe is Watching

...there's nothing else on

Things You Need To Know #54

Most scientist disregard Bode's Law because it fails on many levels.  For example, it predicted a planet 2.8 AU from the sun.  There is no such planet 2.8 AU from the sun, therefore the law if flawed.  Scientist don't consider that perhaps there WAS a planet 2.8 AU away from the sun that is now no longer there.  Perhaps it has been hidden in a hyperdimensional stasis sphere cunningly disguised as a snowglobe.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Lausenschlange

Source:  Grimm
Location:  Portland
Threat Assessment:  5.  Mostly known for their bad temper these snake like beings and crush their foes like a python. 
Limitation:  Removing their heads has been proven to be effective.

Their name translate to "Lousy snake."

Today's Secret Code:

"Never moon a goon or you'll be ruin'd too soon."  Again:  "Never moon a goon or you'll be ruin'd too soon."  Today's Colour is shamshankery orange.  Today's Author will not stand for it so please provide a chair.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Eva Darg, Ghost

Eva Darg
Will Not Rest Easy
as long as there are crying babies
who need to be quieted

Judgement Dog's Thoughts About Tripping and Falling Into a Lifeboat...

The Great Ghost Rescue

Well I can say honestly I never heard of this movie before or the book it was based on.  I sort of like it when that happens.  Sometimes I keep my ear on the ground too much and I lose the sweet surprise of finding something as nice as this. 

What we have here is an unapologetic kids film that does its job quite nicely without talking down to kids or a lot of smart alecky self references to mass media.  It's the story of a ghostly family.  They are sort of a constructed family as each died at different times and in different ways, but they work and related to each other as a family.  Dad is an old time Scot warrior who had his legs cut off from him (A great looking effect by the way).  Mom is one body and three heads as they were three sisters beheaded.  Sister was drowned for being a witch, well for suspected being a witch, so she's always damp.  Our hero is the youngest, is a daring boy who accidentally fell to his death lending him a certain flexibility.  Also there's a burning skull who's sort of the crazy uncle/pet figure in the family.  He doesn't say much, but he's fun to be with.

Unfortunately, our family has problems.  First there are ghost hunters who use more and more high tech weapons as the decades roll on.  A ghost is only safe by hiding in his house.  Unfortunately, a wealthy magnate is working with the government to tear down old structures and put up brand new ones, so suddenly our family is without their spooky home. 

Now, here is where I like the movie.  It could have done the same old thing you'd see on any movie on the Disney channel, but instead it makes a rather bold move.  After trying to find another hiding place in an amusement park, the ghosts realize they can't hide anymore so they go straight to the top.  Now after some problems and a few fights the living officially recognize the dead and try to help them cope with the world of the living.  This part of the film lead to some marvelous bits like when our ghost family met with a living family as sort of an exchange program gone horribly horribly wrong.  Still our hero manages to make friends with a living boy and things are looking up.

Unfortunately for our ghost family there's a secret plan and the ghost hunters aren't hanging up their ectoplasm catchers right at the moment.  It's up to our hero to save the day and of course he does, but I do like the final reveal so of course I'm not going to say another word.

The movie was fun, the special effects were decent.  I liked the variety of dead people.  One of my favorite literally spent most of the film with a sheet over him because he was killed in bed and had nothing else on.  Another poor soul had a garbage can on his head.  I suppose the moral is make sure you don't die in an embarrassing fashion.  Anyway, I liked the film and I think most kids would like it as well.

Like the Random Cards that Fall in my Dreams

This NSFW because of cartoon pony violence

Things You Need To Know #53

The Dwenodor family has been confused for the fay.  Some have even been burnt as witches, though not recently.  This is all so unfair.  The Dwenodor are all good at crafts.  So good in fact that they put a little of themselves into their best works.  So if you buy something from them as beautiful as it is, you might not want to display it where you intend to have confidential conversations.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Spiga

Source:  Son of Godzilla
Location:  Monster Island
Threat Assessment:  7.  Giant spider with silly string webbing and a stinging jabber.  Tough and surprisingly agile.
Limitation:  Dumb as a stump.  Flames melt webbing. 

Today's Secret Code

"Fear is the wall, hope is the gate."  Again:  "Fear is the wall, hope is the gate."  Today's Colour is cold.  Today's Author is shaking but not hands.  That's all, maho maho.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Sad Flight In Dreamy Red

Sad Flight in Dreamy Red
pushing against shadows
seeking stars
even dreaming stars
flying away
away away always
from here
all I see is her crimson trail
a fading comet
a sad flight in dreamy red

Envy Girl Just Wants What Is Rightfully Hers

...and a little Kirk lovin'

Sucks to be Mr. Turtle

Last night on "Face Off" our artists were teamed in twos and were charged with making an aquatic style character that could actually survive immersion in water. Two shows in and the contestants still don't have much personality except between "bitchy" and "less bitchy." Supposedly most of these folks have worked in the field so I'm surprised they had so much trouble figuring out what would and would not work underwater. The worst was the Turtle figure made up by the two dudes who hate each other the most. I can easily hate them both for being prima donnas specially the one guy sporting the salvadore dali stache. So I was happy that the paint started washing off from the get go. I was less happy to see the model almost drown as the head piece seemed to get in the way of him being able to see and catch a breath when he reached the surface.

Note to syfy: Try not to get anyone killed, kay?

Other than that the episode was mostly a snooze. Shame I want to like this show more.

Things You Need to Know #52

In the Pinkbelly District there is an empty factory. A blackened cement cube half floating in a buckled sea of parking lot. No one knows what was made there, and no one knows anyone who worked there. It is currently owned with great distaste by the Easter Island Bank Trust. They are eager for any solicitations to buy the property. The only sticking point is that by prior agreement the price must include fifty gallons of ox blood.

This is something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Mean Machine Angel

Source:  Judge Dredd
Location:  the wastelands
Threat Assessment:  6.  Easily the toughest of his cannibal family, he's a tricked out cyborg with a modified arm and a setting on his head for just how mean he's gonna be.
Limitation:  Hard to get spare parts.

Today's secret code:

"We didn't start the fire, but we roasted the weenies."  Again:  "We didn't start the fire, but we roasted the weenies."  Today's Colour is cherry coke red.  Today's Author is thanking Billy.  Watch out for that tree!  That is all, maho maho.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Six steps up and six steps down I found the Yellowed Man

and the Yellowed Man
slowly, deliberatly, with gravitas and soul weariness
upon my steps
he looked upon me with yellow ivory eyes and did say
"Son, I've been a slave to my heart all my life.
and slaved I did till I bled and rot
and I'd do it again
oh yes I'd do it again
there is no sweeter tyrant than the heart
no more perfect jailer.
Son be careful in all you desire"
He laughed
"As if that would change a thing."
The Yellowed Man drooped his head
as if meditating on that
and his eyes did close
and a tired man
found some peace
on my steps

Lord Janngo the Efritti

Lord Janngo the Efritti
is filled with spirit power
ectoplasm is always venting
from his imperial form
He is a kindly tyrant
a happy dictator
the type
of being
who would spend
all night at a party
talking about himself
and never letting you
talk about you

Evil Lil' Lord Robert

There are bad seeds
Lord Robert's son
was a bushel full

Judgement Dog Does Not Approve of SOPA

Things You Need To Know #51

Dr. Leona was not that kind of Doctor, nor the other kind. He was a fixer of things and was said not to play with a full deck. When he played poker he always won and no matter what no one could find the cheat. When he died he was holding a deck of cards, and there was one card missing. Everyone who counted the cards came up with a different card missing. If you play with Dr. Leona's deck your luck will change. Be very careful.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: barugon

Source:  Gamera Vs. Barugon
Location:  South sea Island then of course Japan
Threat Assessment:  8.  Looks like a huge giant chameleon but there's so much more.  A killer tongue that fires off freezing cold.  A rainbow of death coming from its back. 
Limitation:  Animal intelligence.  Doesn't like fire too much.

Today's secret code:

"If you walk a mile in someone else's shoes you will gain empathy, plus their shoes and a good lead!"  Again:  "If you walk a mile in someone else's shoes you will gain empathy, plus their shoes and a good lead!"  Today's Colour is saffronic.  Today's Author is unchronic.  That is all, maho maho.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Fiery Dragon Guards His Hoard Well

....Unfortunately his hoard is coke cans
that have melted into a hot molten lake
The dragon also collected coats
and the ashes of them cover the cave

The Devoni Sisters

Close as close can be
they always see eye to eye

Lost Girl

Well now this is a pleasant discovery. A good show from Syfy. It's always been an odd fracture of that channel that the folks who do their movies must be able to peel bananas with their feet but the folks involved in the series can come up with "Battlestar Galactica." So maybe this wasn't a huge discovery but I enjoyed it greatly.

Anna Silk, who does an incredible job, plays Bo. Bo is an urban nomad. She travels from place to place and can change her identity on a dime. There's good reason for it. See everyone she has every kissed has died, admittedly with a smile. So she has left quite a trail of bodies by this point when she uses her death kiss for good saving a young street hustler from roofied rape. They couldn't be more different so of course they team up and become friends.

This might have become a very strange version of "Midnight Cowboy," but then the police get involved. By police I mean police by day and something else by night. One fellow whistles them both into unconsciousness. It turns out that they are fay. Yes...fairies. Though I don't think they would like that term. See fay are in the world and they have funky powers. They also have formed two parties basically light and dark. They are upset about Bo because she's obviously fay but isn't a part of either side.

Here Bo discovers that she is literally a succubus and that there might be hope of containing her hunger for life force. She also finds one fay that can at least survive her kiss for a little bit. The feedback nearly blew her mind like it was the most mind blowing sex you could have for thirty seconds. So, now at least Bo has two reasons to keep interacting with the fay even though she is not much of a social person. The fay don't help that by forcing her to fight to the death two nasty fay to see if she is worthy of joining a side. Of course she is, but she annoys them when she chooses neither side and instead chooses to side with humanity. This ticks the powers that be off to no end, and there is some talk of an obscure little prophecy or whatever. So there is going to be continued interaction between our Bo and the fay.

If the rest of the series is as good as this it should be an interesting competion between the two sides. I thought most of the other actors ranged from good to well at least his part was small. The budget of the show is small but they work hard and the designs seem to fit together well. We'll see how it goes.


J. J. Abrams is back and in fine style so far with his new show "Alcatraz." Mostly I'm drawn to a show because of characters, I have to be able to have some feelings about them. Love them, hate them, wish they'd stop walking so much and go kill zombies, that sort of thing. Sometimes though a show's premise is enough at the beginning and I hope that they will sketch the rest in as the series progresses.

That describes the pilot for Alcatraz. The characters are at this point cyphers, though with some excellent actors and already I do see hints of that character thing I was talking about. At this point though, the show is most interest in setting up its central mystery. At one a whole bunch of criminals simply disappeared from Alcatraz decades ago. The government covered it all up of course. Now they are coming back doing crimes for both personal and mysterious reasons. The government now has a secret organization with a secret prison to take care of the returnees. For reasons that are a bit shallow the head of this takes on our plucky police detective and her massive Alcatraz expert.

I expect from here out a life of adventure and mystery for them all. I'll definitely watch for a few episodes to see if it rings true in time.

Things You Need to Know #50

Half way there between Meanville and Curve drive there is a dive of a bar named "Half Way Home." There is in the back a small dusty little table juke box. If you put a coin in you will lose it and get nothing. If you do it three times though, the song you most need to hear will play.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: chucky

Source:  Child's Play
Location:  Your toy store
Threat Assessment:  3.  Yeah 3.  He's a toy.  His only real powers is folks underestmate him, he's small, and he's as hard to kill as a rabid rat.
Limitation:  He's a toy, and he's out of the box.  Not much worth on Ebay.

Today's Secret Code:

"The future's so bright it should be on Jeopardy."  Again:  "The future's so bright it should be on Jeopardy."  Today's Colour is a shallow yellow.  Today's Author is trying to find his center.  That is all, maho maho.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Extreme Peace Buddha

Be at peace
or else

Wurmly Muryana

Only six inches long
Muryana is still very happy
she lives in her father's gardens
making a home in a melon
or some nice ripe fruit
you can hear her sing
high and trill

You know where you stand with the judgement Dog

Someone Got Thrown In the Oven.

Well last night's "Once Upon A Time," was a big fat "meh." The Hansel and Gretel plot felt forced and didn't have anything to add except for about six minutes of excellent witchery. Emma who will never be momma of the year was on her high horse about having these kids in the real world get back with their natural dad. Maybe it fits with her character but it just made for a painful hour of tv where every message was delivered with a mallet. To use the line of the witch, given the choice between butter and gravy this episode deserves butter for being so corny.

If I want to watch hansel and gretel I think I'll watch this instead....

Things You Need To Know #49

No dog digs in Mr. Wimple's flower beds. No cat leaves a nasty surprise among his roses. Mr. Wimple's garden is a work of art in greens and reds. The red extends below the ground as well, but that is Mr. Wimple's secret.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Red Bull

Source:  The Last Unicorn
Location:  King Haggard's Castle
Threat Assessment:   5 (8 for unicorns) A flaming red bull of great strength and magical ability.
Limitation:  Under the control of King Haggard

Today's Secret Code:

"The sweetness of the vine is the memory of wine."  Again:  "The sweetness of the vine is the memory of wine."  Today's Colour is burgundy.  Today's Author is windsor tongue tied.  That is all, maho maho.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Witch Imp

A puppet mistress
the witch imp
plays the game of people
and like a child
will some times
smash a toy
just for the
joyous noise

The Bringer of Flowers

The flowers are fresh
the bringer is dried

Things You Need To Know #48

There are seven shadows cast by six statues on the bridge of delights in Oldtown.  Some say the seventh shadow is named "Paul."  Some say that the the seventh shadow will grant the wish of the truly deserving.  Some others say that the seventh shadow knows where the book of truth is hidden.  Still other say the seventh shadow is just an optical illusion that has become the fixation of fruitcake and other nuts.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Seigbartse

Source:  Grimm
Location:  Anywhere
Threat Assement:  5.  Strong.  Nearly invulnerable, and doesn't feel much pain.
Limitation:  Well if you have an elephant gun and Seigbartse gift (poison) they are no trouble at all.

Today's Secret Code

"In the room the women come and go, speaking of Michaelangelo and no other turtles."  Again:  "In the room the women come and go, speaking of Michaelangelo and no other turtles."  Today's Colour is finer  than the grains of time.  Today's Author can cook with rosemary and thyme.  That is all, maho maho.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Doctor Abucus Will See You Now

Dr. Abucus
Master of the Mentastic Arts
Will see you now
whether you thought you had an appointment
or not

The Spirit of Silence Doesn't Like Music

he is a powerful force
the keeper of secrets
and the soul
of the unmirthful
sometimes those that make sweet music
fall into his power
and he treats them
with quiet

Grimm vs. Siegbarste

I guess the title of this episode was "Game Ogre," yes groan, groan my children. That is a pun bad enough for the ages. Piers Anthony is kicking himself for not having that as a Xanth novel.

The story is simple. A Siegbarste which is basically an Ogre which is basically unkillable is getting revenge for being put in jail. After killing the judge and jury foreman the cop who put him in prison in next. Guess what it is Nick's partner in danger.

Well Nick does the heroic thing and gets beaten into a hospital by the Ogre. Meanwhile partner isn't going to hide so he's going to die. So Nich has to convince our favorite bad wolf to go to his Aunt's trailer and get the Siegbarste gift (poison) and the elephant gun. It's fun to see the wolf's reaction to the trailer. It's a combination of "Wow" and "Bad juju man!" In the end the wolf shoots the ogre. Which means a subtle line has been crossed by everyone.

Not the best of episodes, but fun.

catch .44

Quentin Tarantino!  This film, this mess is all your fault!  I know you didn't have anything to do with it, but still karmically it's your damn fault.  Just like every cheap jack zombie flick is George Romero's bastard child, every hipsterish caper film with bizarre dialogue and random violence is the bastard child of Pulp Fiction.  It makes you wonder if it is worth watching a great film if you know it is going to unleash a flood of poorly conceived rip offs.

For the record this is a gang of girls (oooo different) who are sent by Mel (Bruce Willis calling in a role and saving what ever dignity he has left) to get some drug money.  It's all a set up, and they find themselves in stand off between an idiot with a gun and a motor mouth professional killer.  Like Pulp Fiction the time line is fractured, though in this case in a willy nilly fashion that makes no real sense.

The actors try hard.  Even a Tarantino knock off is fun for actors.  But the script is nowheresville.  It is just a long slow ride to nowhere.  TARANTINO I BLAME YOU!!!!

Things You Need To Know #47

The Double A Imperfect 1931 High Flyer stamp is fairly rare.  But that is not why it is priced so high in collector books.  There is a rumor, that if you write on the back of the letter a year and then afix the Double A to the envelope it will be mailed to that year.  Of course it is just a rumor.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Marceline's Dad

Source:  Adventure Time
Location:  The darker dimensions of the Adventure Time universe
Threat Assement:  7.  Totally evil.  Soul Sucking.  Can become a giant.  Nearly Unkillable.
Limitation:  Still has sort of human feelings for his daughter Marceline, and can lose a lot of power if souls are released.

Today's Secret Code:

"Anger is a fire that needs to be bank lest it burns to your fists."  Again:  "Anger is a fire that needs to be bank lest it burns to your fists."  Today's Colour is the same gold that is in the golden fleece.  Today's Author is not wanted by museums or police.  That is all, maho maho.

Friday, January 13, 2012


Mingos are small spirits
sometimes confused with vampires
they are bat namers
they make sure every bat has a proper name
they also rate fungus
Best not to eat with them

Wonders of Nature....

Things You Need To Know #46

Everyone always told Donna Lamodia that behind every dark cloud was a silver lining.  Years of work with alchemical text and a certain talent allowed her first to see these silver linings and then harvesting them.  It wasn't easy.  The first time unleashed a storm that raged over five counties.  As she grew in skill she turned her attention to the metaphorical dark clouds.  Again, the first time is the hardest and people on Carmody Street still talk about that day where everyone was running around naked.  Years later, Donna has taken all these silver linings and incorporated them into a massive quilt.  It is incredibly beautiful to look upon, and at night little silver lights run in wiggly circles over it.  Donna says she will be under that quilt of silver linings when things are at their darkest.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Lil Hot stuff

Source:  Casper the Friendly Ghost
Location:  A cute hell
Threat Assessment:  2.  Can breath fire and had demonic powers.
Limitation:  Mind of a child and though something of a bully he doesn't mean any harm.

Today's Secret Code:

"Not Today."  Again:  "Not Today."  Today's Colour is a wintery white.  Today's Author was told he was bright.  That is all, maho maho.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I'll Get You My Pretties

....and your little band Toto too

Face Off

Last night was the new season of SyFy's show "Face Off."  It's a reality competition where make up artist compete for money and free supplies.  I was fairly amused by its first season so I'll keep an eye out.  It begins just as it did last year with a brief introduction followed by an instant "surprise" contest.  I was annoyed some of the contestant pretended to be surprised it was happening.  What you didn't watch the first season?  Please.

The main competition for the night was do their version of the characters in "The Wizard of Oz."  Frankly, I was disappointed by both teams attempts.  I understand that most of them come from a background of working with horror movies, but really it's from a kid's book.  I think they could have gone a more fantastical version.  Who knows maybe even trade up genders.  Have a tin woodsgirl against a wicked warlock.  Something like that.

Oh well, it was good enough reality tv.  I perfer reality shows like this where folks are actually making something even if it's only a mess.

A showoff


In 1972 we were beginning to get an ecological conscience and of course the movies noticed. "Doomwatch" feels like a pilot for a tv show but being British I don't know. They are more inclined to one off productions than we are. The story is simple, Doomwatch is an organization of ecological sleuths who suss out who's dumping what and where. In this case, what has been done to a small island to deform and make violent some of its inhabitants. Our eager gang is not helped by the islanders who are stone cold paranoid of anyone outside the island.

Despite how it all sounds it is played pretty cool. There isn't a moustache twisting villain for example. We have a respectable company that made a mistake and then gave it reputable disposal firm, for the lowest bid of course. The firm didn't think it did anything wrong since they dumped it in an old navy dump. What could go wrong dumping in a dump? The navy was completely mystified that people went to its off limits dump (no guards and fences or anything) and misused their property that was just a place to dump nuclear waste. Reputable, respectable people who were blind lead to a disaster.

If Doomwatch was made today it would have be jazzed up considerably. People wouldn't pay attention today without folks growing a second heads and at least ten explosions. Doomwatch is a good earnest film, but its not the most exciting thing. I dug it cause I love British films of this period.