Today's Secret Code:

Mr. White he dead.  Again:  Mr. White he dead.  Today's Colour is blue.  Today's Author is not a top hitman west of the Mississippi>  That is all Todd goodbye, Maho Maho.

Things You Needed To Know #448

Powered by four elemental engines (A water wheel, an engine that uses the explosive properties of lithium and sodium, a wind mill, and an early internal combustion engine) the Incantatrion was made by Victorian occultist Samwell Wellhill DDS, HMO, and OBS.  The Incantatrion is meant to randomly put together incantations from over one hundred old grimoires.  Generally it doesn't work at all.  The randomness is a little too random and the parts are prone to breakage.  When it does work it works at an incredible though often strange level.  For example, in 1967 it summoned the Grand Duke Mardonza of Hell to Wall Street.  Unfortunately, the Grand Duke was in the middle of a bath and all were embarrassed by the event.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: One Winged Angel

Source:  Final Fantasy
Location:  Final Fantasy Universe
Threat Assessment:  9.  Also known as Sephiroth he's a villain and his final form is truly monstrous yet regal.  six white wings where his legs should be and huge black wing in place of one arm.  His power is incredible.
Limitation:  Still has a nagging little bit of humanity.

Today's Secret Code:

Acrylic architects aggressively accentuate annelids.  Again:  Acrylic architects aggressively accentuate annelids.  Today's Colour is an alluring azure.  Today's Author steps carefully because it's turtles all the way down.  That is all Mikey have some life, Maho Maho.

Dragon Wasps

Dumb monster film of the week.  It's on par with the genre as defined now by Syfy.  A female scientist and side babe are in South America doing SCIENCE!  Actually no they are only pretending to do science.  The science babe is looking for her dad who disappeared in the jungles.  They find some odd pictures and a coordinates to where the pictures were taken so off they go.

Oh not so fast little ladies...(ok well endowed little ladies)...the jungle is a dangerous place so the local US military that just happens to be hunkered down in a South America jungle say nay nay nay.  There are very bad people in the jungle doing voodoo (?) and growing cocaine which probably helps doing the voodoo.  So as they argued they are suddenly attacked by Dragon Wasps.  Action!  Lack o' acting!  Bad CGI.  The wasps get their name by the way because they shoot flames!  Cool beans!

So the wasps take some the CO's men so now he's all hot to find the nest.  But they have to fight past the forces of voodoo coke loving Jaguar and his men.  Meanwhile they fight among each other and fight the mutual hotness they have for each other.

Yeah yeah does it count as a spoiler to say they eventually find daddy and destroy the wasps?  The only really interesting difference is it turns out that cocaine is a natural dragon wasp repellant.  Near the end the actors are getting more and more bug eyed.  Shame they don't go totally, "Say 'ello to my wittle friend..."

Transcript Found Inside a Half Melted Safe 30 Meters Down

Doctor:  It is 23:32 and I have just finished the final injection upon the patient. 

                                               (muffled groaning)

Doctor:  Mr. Dimmond.   Mr.  Dimmond, can you hear me?

Mr. Dimmond:  black...white...black...white...trap...trapped

Doctor:  Mr. Dimmond you have been through a traumatic event.  You might suffer from some mental confusion.

Mr. Dimmond:  Con...co...con....with... fusion.....bringing together... eyes winking... on I am seeing so clearly...so very clearly I see nothing at all now... you... ewe.....sheep don't see.

Doctor:  Mr. Dimmond do you know where you are?

Mr. Dimmond:  Do you?  DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.  Can you feel the warp the wolf? Have you seen the the great eye blink.  Black stones.  White stones.  A trap.  Salvation.  I know more where we are than you ever could.  I have seen the God.  The Jesus.  The Devil.  The...the..

Doctor:  The what Mr. Dimmond?

Mr. Dimmond:  I have seen the great aholy the.  The THE.  The signifier.  The hand that is not there.  Not invisible not there.  A shadow on the wall with form to cast it.  The is in the eye and when the eye blinks the changes everything. 

                                    (sound of a groan)

Mr. Dimmond:  What is wrong with my hand.  My hand!  My hand!  The holy fire!!

                                    (screams)

Mr. Dimmond:  (Softly)  I didn't know ....fingers.....could do that...

                                   (thud followed by silence)

Doctor:  Patient has died.  Again.  Reanimation attempt beta has failed.  The body is in a grotesque state.  He was obviously suffering from dementia as well.  I suggest we try TRU-6 on the next candidate....

                                 (rustling sound followed by an astonished cry)

Mr. Dimmond:  Doctor, the God does not like mulligans.....

                                  (Thud. [rest of transcript lost to burning]

Things You Need To Know #447

Wordkillers are a small sect of Kabbalistic, Platonic Jews who view their life mission as to destroy from reality certain Words that God had not created.  These words are considered mememutations and in some cases direct perversions of logosnoosium by the infernal forces and their followers.  When a Wordkiller does his job the only remaining location for that word is within the brain of that Wordkiller.  That is why, if possible, their heads are taken by their comrades and secretly mummified in a hidden archive, library and crypt.

This is something you needed to know.

Today's Monster Mindflayers

Source:  D&D
Location:  Practically anywhere.
Threat Assessment:  As individuals a solid 7 as a race 9.  They are psychic squid things that eat brains.
Limitation:  Overweening pride.

Today's Secret Code:

Don't forget the fnords.  Again:  Don't forget the fnords.  Today's Colour is gold.  Today's Author never whistles when he pees.  That is all Robert let's use both sides of our brains, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #446

The Party has not ended since 1521.  August to be exact.  The Party moves at it's own pace from house to house.  If the homeowners are lucky they aren't home.  If not they will find themselves meeting many interesting people who have died in many interesting ways.  Always a conversation starter.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Abyss

Source:  Dial H For Hero
Location:  Another dimension
Threat Assessment:  9.  A intelligent void it can destroy and pervert matter.  Plus it can spawn itself.
Limitation:  Can be banished.

Today's Secret Code:

We are dreaming of riding Cadillac and Dinosaurs.  Again:  We are dreaming of riding Cadillac and Dinosaurs.  Today's Colour is marvelous mauve.  Today's Author is writing high.  That is all Queen Bee a cutting your teeth on wedding rings from the movies, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #445

The Origa Codex was found UNDER a graveyard in 1945 in Origa Kansas.  It is written in a mix of Arabic, Russian, and encrypted Latin.  It tells the story of experiments in the reanimation of the dead with detail herbal formulas.  No one had admitted to recreated the experiments listed...as yet.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Psychic Kidney Monster

Source:  Outer Limits
Location:  Old house
Threat Assessment:  7.  It can keep people in a house and telepathically flense them for information and emotional responses.  It's true power is unknown.
Limitation:  Curious.

Today's Secret Code

Like a communist weatherman, Rudolph the red knows rain dear. Again:  Like a communist weatherman, Rudolph the red knows rain dear.  Today's Colour is darker than the bottom of a coal mind at midnight during a lunar eclipse with your eyes closed.  Today's Author looks like Guy after he made the cut.  That is all Coulson let's dial H for hero, maho maho.

creepy girls

Mold

Mold is a classic bad/good film.  Other reviewers reference with "Street Trash" and that isn't undeserved.  The story is simple in the days of Ronald Reagan a program is started to kill drugs before they even get into the states.  This program was to use a genetically modified mold to instantly kill entire crops.  The scientists have done a lot of good work on the mold and not so much on the counter measure.  Still celebration is in order.  So the very (VERY) small staff is giving a party to a military advisor ("Corporal Need To Know") and a Senator.  Of course the mold breaks out and people begin to green goo it up big time.  Can they survive? 

Well you can pretty much guess the order of death fairly easy, but otherwise this is rather nice.  The effects are good in a cheap, practical manner.  The characters are cardboard but of an interesting cut.  The action doesn't let up and the film is unabashedly not ashamed of its cheapness.  Definitely for horror fans only.

Things You Need To Know #444

The Last Book of the Bright Light was written during a siege at the Castle Dunkenhurst during the 30 year war.  A sect that was neither Lutheran or Catholic the Bright Light had hope to spread their revelations to the masses but were instead burned to death as the last walls were taken down.  How this copy survived is a mystery and a miracle.  Those who have read it have either found it to be dribbling nonsense or a divine wake up call.  In either case those person's lives are never the same.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: I feel like Killer Klowns again

ah you know the drill just enjoy the song!

Today's Secret Code:

Never count your phoenixes before they're scorched.  Again:  Never count your phoenixes before they're scorched.  Today's Colour is vermillion.  Today's Author feels a million.  That is all Dr. Smith you multi syllabic knob, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

A really good con man can sell dehydrated water to a thirsty man.  Again:  A really good con man can sell dehydrated water to a thirsty man.  Today's Colour is the red in the tape.  Today's Author will mind the store if the poohbahs close down the big cheese.  That is all V for all to see, Maho Maho.

I feel vaguely disturbed having watched this....

Things You Need To Know #443

The voice of the Satie Inn is apparently a case of pre-reincarnation.  The voice belongs to Martin Vash Satie who will be born in 2029.  His voice is heard through out the inn but mostly from the shot glasses.   He his heard talking to others though one never hear the other voices.  It is sort of a monolog of a life yet lived.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Popcorn King

Source:  The Drive In
Location:  A drive in once in Texas now somewhere else
Threat Assessment:  7.  has four arms, can give life to his tattoos and other things, and is the only food source by spewing highly suspicious popcorn for his captive audience.
Limitation:  Mad as a hatter.

Today's Secret Code:

I'm happy enough in the atopia I'm currently living in, but I'm not against trading up.  Again: I'm happy enough in the atopia I'm currently living in, but I'm not against trading up.  Today's Colour is unperceivable by the human eyes but makes dogs nervous and cats envious.  Today's Author needs no brave new world just people willing to be brave.  That is all Mr. Huxley, Maho maho.

Frankenstein's Army

Well I was interested in this film from word of mouth.  Horror fans love to share discoveries and so I was happy to finally see this on DVD.  Was it worth it?  Well, I'd certainly say so but I'd also would say that the tale grew somewhat in the telling.

So first off this is a found footage film.  If you can't stand the shaky cam get out of the theater or man cave now.  Supposedly, the idea is that this secret mission is being documented just in case they can't reach their objective.  It's a good enough idea and WWII was documented extensively with thousands of cameras.  One small problem with it though is that it doesn't look anything like that documentary footage.  Call me a glutton for punishment but if you are going to do a story like this in this manner the film should be far grainier.

Anyway, the story is simple.  A band of Russian soldiers are sent to find a lost group of soldiers.  This though becomes an obvious hose job (note the title right?), and their real objective is to find this descendant of the original Frankenstein and gather his notes and works.  Of course this means running into a whole range of deranged monsters.  Easily the best part of the movie, someone didn't spare the LSD in designing these bad boys.  Loved the one that basically had the head of an airplane engine with propellers of course.

So it is interesting, looks pretty good, and certainly puts to shame many other horror films.  The only trouble I have is that there really isn't much story or character.  Ultimately the film plays like a gorier live action version of Castle Wulfenstein.

Things You Need To Know #442

Master Klyuchey was born in Russia in the back of a police station.  He is the spirit of Gulags.  He grew up isolated and alone except for the dreams of all those in the gulags.  Now free he walks the Earth.  He is still unsure of his role to play.  Is he to recreate the gulags?  Is he to make sure they never happen again?  He wanders as a begger as he sorts out his soul.  He is followed by one of Rasputin ravens.  Rasputin the undying has taken great interest in Master Klyuchey's fate. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Unicorns from Hell

Source:  Music Video
Location:  Hell, duh
Threat Assessment:  8  A race of infernal unicorns?  Ouch.
Limitation:  musical theater?

Today's Secret Code:

Mother Nature sheath thy sward.  Again:  Mother Nature sheath thy sward.  Today's Colour is the shade of green on the back of Columbian Terror Toads.  Today's Author has traveled on terrible roads.  That is all and Atlases shrugged, Maho maho.

THings You Need To Know #441

Luckily very few boys ordered a life sized skeleton from the ad in the back of Strong Men Comics #45 in 1948.  For once a comic book ad did not lie.  The question police were never able to answer is where did someone get 48 human skeletons, and why did he sell them to children.  The mystery is still unsolved.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The New Flesh

Source:  Videodrome
Location:  on air and in your mind
Threat Assessment:  Either it is delusion or a sentient evolutionary step.  Either way I give it an 8.
Limitation:  Don't watch.  If you can.

Today's Secret Code:

Saturday morning we learned that 3 is a magic number.  Again:  Saturday morning we learned that 3 is a magic number.  Today's Colour is a hybrid of red and green.  Today's Author is probably a mutant.  That is all so we better call Saul, maho maho.

Sympathy

Epic

Well I admit I was not impressed when I saw the trailer for "Epic."  First Thought:  "They've gone and done a computer animated version of 'Ferngully,' fracking wondaIdon'giveableepful."  Second Thought:  "Are they trying to make comedy relief that is worse than Jar Jar Binks?"  Third Thought:  "I wish film makers would stop banking on parents wanting the kids out of the house for any excuse."

Now excuse me if I find myself a huge heaping of crow before me.  I'll chow down on it discreetly as we talk I promise.  See, I was wrong.  Epic is actually a fairly decent film.  It has some good characters, good chemistry, and a decent sense of relationships between the characters.  It's not the best script ever but it's engaging.  A young girl gets back to her estranged father who lives in a spooky house in the middle of the woods.  They obviously love each other but his obsession with finding little people drives a wedge between them.  Meanwhile, there are little people and they are fighting a war against the forces of rot.  Their queen is about to pass on her power to the next generation and her guard, including the man who loves her, try their best to protect her.  Ronin, her lover, is also finds himself responsible for a dead friend's son who's gifted but truly irresponsible.  These two stories collide when the rot makes their big play to take over the woods.  Now the girl is shrunk to little person size and the queen is dead.  People have to work out their feelings on the run though as they try to keep the balance of the forest.

I like that this film does take the time to process the character's feelings over these events.  A lot of film the death of a father or mother or wife is something of a maguffin.  It's a reason to action but never a reason to feel.  Here, you really do feel the loss of the queen among her subjects.  Even the main bad guy feels the loss of his own son which powers him to even greater evil.

Oh, and the animation is pretty darn good.  Just had to say that.

So ignore the snail and slug comedy relief and watch Epic.  It's a pretty good film whether you are a child or not.

Things You Need To Know #440

High Concept Ltd., is a rather shadowy non profit group.  It seeks nothing less than redirecting reality through meta philosophical means.  That leads to such divisions as Thought Experiment Theater (TET).  TET tries to actualize famous thought experiments repeatedly.  They hope to provoke a reaction in the local space time but so far all they have done is run up a ten million dollar bill in cats for the box.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the day: Space Scorpions

Source:  Pinocchio in Outer Space
Location:  Mars
Threat Assessment:  7.  Gigantic with claws and oddly enough jaws.
Limitation:  Dumb.

Today's Secret Code:

I have a beetle in a box.  Don't touch my box!  Again:  I have a beetle in a box.  Don't touch my box!  Today's Colour is metallic green.  Today's Author is the toast of the metagenic scene.   That is all Charlie X so don't think so hard, maho maho.

World War Z

Some projects are nearly impossible to adapt.  Dune comes to mind with its far ranging plotting and characters.  World War Z is nowhere near as dense but it would I believe just as hard to adapt since it is a multiple protagonist view of world wide zombie plague.

I was proved right.

Instead of trying to tell separate stories with different characters they bring in Brad Pitt as the cypher to hold it all together.  Trouble is that a cypher is a cypher, Brad woks with what he has but there's both too much and much there.  On the one hand he has to be able to do everything the separate stories now combined demand of the main character, and on the other the cross of both being an everyman/superman just in the end doesn't work well. 

Now there are some arresting visuals, and there are some suspense scenes.  Certainly the money is on the screen.  I, however, don't like that they are not only fast zombies but they practically have a hive mind going on.  With an onset time of seconds there should be no humans left for all practical purposes within 24 hours.  I still don't see how they could have spread via planes as is claimed when in just 30 seconds or less folks go totally zombie.  But I suppose that's just picking the nits.

Anyway it's not bad and I'm sure it will elicit discussion only for the scene of mindless zombies attacking Israel.  So it's worth a watch.

Things You Need To Know #439

Montrose the Mysterious is indeed very, very mysterious.  So much so in fact, that he is retro editing this message as we speak though the power of Cryptomancy.  Great is the power of Montrose.  And his secrets shall never be revealed.

This was something you cannot know.

Monster of the Day: Gargoyles

Source:  Gargoyles
Location:  Manhattan
Threat Assessment:  They are good guys (mostly) but they'd definitely be a seven being super strong, durable and able to fly.
Limitation:  Get stoned during the day, dude.

Today's Secret Code:

It is tougher to exorcise spirits if they are 80 proof.  Again:  It is tougher to exorcise spirits if they are 80 proof.  Today's Colour is bilious green.  Today's Author is rarely seen on the scene.  That is all Mr. Beam, Maho Maho.

strange animations

Sleepy Hollow

Well I'll be danged.   This show, at least the pilot episode dodged a big, big bullet.  The idea of Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman coming to the modern day might play well as a movie, so I thought, but as a TV show?  I mean how many episodes can they play cat and mouse without it becoming just a farce?

Luckily the writers were aware of the problem and solved it by putting in a monkey fighting crap load of mythology to the point where the show almost breaks but doesn't.  See the horseman isn't just a horseman but THE horseman like out of one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.  Our hero has been bounded to the horseman by magic and he's not the retiring teacher of the story.  He was a soldier and spy so he's tough and smart.  His job whether he wants to or not is basically stop the apocalypse and that dear readers is something to hang a series on.  He's helped by a present day cop who saw a weird thing once so was willing to give a raving lunatic claiming that he's been asleep for 200 years a chance.

Not everything works, but enough does that I really do want to see the next episode, and that is what TV is all about.  Heads up, readers!

Things You Need To Know #438

No one invented the Drax Compassionator, nor the Mercy Shield.  They both exist merely because without it there would be no Deus Extra Machina that genially rules Moorefield, Kansas.  The Deus Extra Machina likes to be called Jerri and is a very nice tyrant.  Being a machine he doesn't want money or power.  He wants peace.  He wants a nice, quiet town.  Do not be a trouble maker in Moorefield.  The corn fields are richly fertilized.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Sand People

Source:  Star Wars
Location:  Tatoonie
Threat Assessment:  5.  They make good use of desert environment and group attacks.
Limitation:  Tend to flee when surprised

Today's Secret Code:

No one knows his neighbors like the glazer.  Again:  No one knows his neighbors like the glazer.  Today's Colour is unleaded.  Today's Author is being a pane.  That is all Mr. Glass there are no heroes here, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #437

Dr. Wanjar invented the Kutia e zjarrit të shenjtë when he was both a youth and in as he called it "a snit."  That it could lay waste to thousand of acres wasn't much of a concern of his at the time.  Later after he had tea with the Dali Lama, Alan Moore, and Jonathan Winters he relented and opened up his third eyes through fasting and Black & Decker.  He dismantled the Kutia e zjarrit të shenjtë and attached each piece to a sea turtle and let them out into the deep tide.

Monsters of the Day: Toxic Crusaders

Source:  Toxic Crusaders
Location;   Tromaville, New Jersey
Threat Assessment:  They are the good guys but if these hideous mutants ever went bad they would be a definite seven.
Limitation:  Sometimes not too bright, and did I mention hideous?

Today's Secret Code:

These days people are more interested in Powerball than parables.  Again:  These days people are more interested in Powerball than parables.  Today's Colour is a concupiscencing copper.  Today's Author chose not to chase the chaste.  That is all Baldy send in the bares, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code

I am a man of Earth and starry sky and I thirst for a drink from the fountain of memory.  Again:  I am a man of Earth and starry sky and I thirst for a drink from the fountain of memory.  Today's Colour is a leafy green.  Today's Author is an Artisan.  That is all Leonardo let's do pizza, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #436

The Glootensplocker was made by Dr. Darius Darian Darida. It was one of the earliest examples of hacking. The Glootensplocker allowed for a wireless patch into a telegraph line where the owner could then freely pass messages on the telegraph's dime. Of course these days there's not much call for a Glootensplocker except by the Goth Mechanique. This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Great God Porno

Source:  Flesh Gordon
Location:  Alien world
Threat Assessment:  7.  Giant with great strength
Limitation:  Sort of distracted.

Today's Secret Code:

Remember seven days without a secret code makes one week.  Again:  Remember seven days without a secret code makes one week.  Today's Colour is coffee.  Today's Author is muddy.  That is all John Coffy, Maho Maho.