Goddess of the Great Octopus in Repose

Things You Need To Know #193

Place some milk in a copper bowl and place it outside your door at midnight.  Put 23 dollars in the next begger's hand.  Mail a secret to the first name in the telephone book.  Do these things and you'll live a rich, interesting life.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Tongue Parasite

Source    Real Life
Location:  Sea
Threat Assessments:  It attacks only fish (at least for now) and it doesn't try to kill them.  It just EATS THEIR TONGUE, and then pretends to be the tongue.
Limitation:  Restricted to the sea (at least for now)

Today's Secret Code

"Sometimes humility is just arrogance by stealth." Again: "Sometimes humility is just arrogance by stealth." Today's Colour mauve dovey. Today's Author is full of himself which is better than if he was full of someone else. That is all, maho maho.

It Is Sometimes Easier in Hell Than To Thread the Eye to Heaven

Commander Vracir of Star Watch

Star Watch is a voluntary multispecies force
dedicated to perserving newly evolving cultures
Commander Vracir takes a dim view of "probe teams"
coming to earth and harvesting human gut flora

Monster Brawl

Monster Brawl is something of an exercise of thinking outside the box. Here are film makers who had no real scriptwriting ability, and nothing but some fairly conventional make up designs. They could have made something unworthy enough to be on Syfy on a Saturday night. Instead they said, "Hey we are cheesy fakes let's go with that." What else is a cheesy fake? Why professional wrestling. Hey, let's have a monster wrestling movie.

And so Monster Brawl was born.

It's nearly critic proof because it's intention is to be cheesy. The monsters, the back story, the actual fights. Cheese, cheese, and more cheese. It's helped along by Dave Foley with his "I don't believe I'm here and presently mostly sober" act and Lance Heniksen adding "Mortal Combat" style commentary like "Awesome" or "Death by head butt."

All in all I liked it....

Things You Need To Know #192

There is a room in the Carrington Hotel where no shadows can be cast. It's a subtle thing so many people don't notice it at all. It's said that in 1936 a Mister Bright Eyes bought the rights to all shadows cast in the room for 23 dollars a beer and a promise. What he does with the shadows no one knows.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Zombie Soldiers

Source:  Homecoming
Location: America
Threat Assessment:  8.  They take over Washington DC.  They are zombies with military training.
Limitation:  Pretty much need to take the head off

Today's Secret Code:

The single snow flake in your palm is a rare priceless treasure, the three feet on your sidewalk is why you have kids.  Again:  The ingle now flake in your palm is a rare priceless treasure, the three feet on you sidewalk is why you have kids.  Today's Colour is Obama Teal.  Today's Author will have to pay off some bets because of the USSC.  That is all, maho maho.

Today's Secret Code:

"Some people are too smart for their own God." Again: "Some people are too smart for their own God." Today's Colour is a fresh rosey dawn. Today's Author has found himself but not his luggage. That is all, maho maho.

Our Lady of Bones

Our Lady of Bones
Is an old, olden soul
She searches the battlefields
for the lost forsaken dead
and guides them home
(for the price of a bone)
That is our sweet Lady of Bones

Things You Need To Know #191

Name a rose and your intended true love will smile and not know why. Never name night shade and always refer to trees as "Sir."

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Fades

Source:  The Fades
Location:  On Earth
Threat Assessment:  7.  They are dead people that become physical.  They seem tied to some future event involving a lot of ash.  Never a good sign.
Limitation:  Magic and faith

Today's Secret Code:

As everybody knows it takes 7 twinkles to make one Juju and six jujus to make one mojo, and it takes four mojos to get your mojo rising. Again: As everybody knows it takes 7 twinkles to make one Juju and six jujus to make one mojo, and it takes four mojos to get your mojo rising. Today's Colour is Octorine the eighth colour of the rainbow. Today's Author is an Artisan. That is all, maho maho.

Going to See A Man Into Fine Corinthian Leather

The Game Came Down To The Lady

The Queens we use will not excite you

Arachnoquake

Ah Syfy.......

....well at least this was better than "Piranhaconda." How can the set the bar so low? What film won't they show? Actually that's been answered over at Topless Robot and after you watch it you'll weep that your children has to live on an Earth with such a horror.

Back to the task at hand, our hero for tonight is very laid back.  He thinks nothing of coming in hung over two hours late and missing one of the tour boats.  The good news is his boss is his dad.  The bad news is that his boss is his dad.  Our hero gets demoted to tour bus (do we really want him on the road in his condition??), and picks up a bunch of meat, um I mean tourists.  What no one knows is that an earthquake the night before has released a bunch of spiders small and large.  It was an..... Arachnoquake!  DUH DUH DUUUUUUUHHHHH.

Now when I was young and played Dungeons & Dragons I noticed many game masters were always trying to surprise the players with something new.  It didn't matter if it made any logical sense as long as it did the damage.  So you'd come up with humming birds that spit acid, or man eating giraffes.  The same principle applies here with these spiders.  The range in size from hand sized to two stories high.  They have sonar.  They can implant eggs in people that pop out as baby spiders at very inconvenient times.  They are poisonous and use webs like sticky lassos.  Oh, and they breath fire.  Cute aren't they?

With such an array of powers the number of meat//actors gets small real quick.  Luckily, there is resupplies from the mililtary, red neck bubbas, a girl's soft ball team on a bus, and our heroes dad and sister on a boat.  Even still things are looking bleak, but wait!  There's a queen spider and if you kill it all the other spiders will die.  And the scientist pretty much pulled that one out the rear end, one hopes for a goodly amount of preperation H.  Can our hero man up, get responsible, and kill the queen?  Yeah, you already know.

The film at least moves fast, and no one is too painful to watch.  I again like the musical choices.  There is definitely a feel of New Orleans.  So overall if you like bad films you could find worse than this.

Things You Need To Know #190

Librarian Enoch Nizer invented a punctuation mark that made people agreeable to the statement that ends with it. He called the mark "Magnus Verbum pacem." He was always careful in his use, and people rarely had overdue books.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Pinhead

Source:  Hellraiser
Location:  Guess
Threat Assessment:   8.  He's a devil-like being who can bring chains and hooks and other demons at will. 
Limitation:  He plays by the rules (though he can be tricky) It helps to keep the box, but there is no receipt.

Today's Secret Code:

A traveller should always have a knife, matches, a bit of string, a towel and a potato.  Again:  A traveller should always have a knife, matches, a bit of string, a towel and a potato.  Today's Colour is a marvy mauve.  Today's Author is a discursive discordian doing debates on dingos and donuts.  That is all, maho maho.

Portrait With Mutation

Things You Need To Know #189

There is a shower in Springfield that sometimes sprays blood instead of water.  At least it seems to be blood, even if collected it will later turn out to be tap water.  No one knows what happened in that shower to make it act so.  But drains often are stuffed up as well, and sometimes gurgle in way of suggesting a voice long submerged.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Blair Witch

Source:  The Blair Witch Project
Location:  The spooky woods
Theat Assessment:  7.  You don't see the Blair Witch.  She sees you.  She plays with all you fears.  You can't even get out of the woods.
Limitation:  I can't think of any.

Today's Secret Code:

Virtu and Fortuna! Again: Virtu and Fortuna! Today's Colour is shadow of a bright plum. Today's Author is a Prince. That is all, maho maho.

That Buzzing in Your Mind Is Caused By An Interference Sprite

otherwise known as an Ohm Gnome

Things You Need To Know #188:

The rabbits of Raspberry Run are making a rabbit version of the great pyramid. They hope to make it 20 feet high. They are annoyed however by the crows who watch and laugh at them. Doesn't anyone understand art?

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Night creatures

Source:  Pitch Black
Location:  Uninhabited planet
Threat Assessment:  8.  Sheer numbers make the ultra deadly.  That and the ability to fly and claws and teeth.
Limitation:  light causes damage to them.

Today's Secret Code:

Today's secret code is brought to you by the letter <> (sound of soulful exhalation) which was incorporated into the English language when our glorious Masters the <>shoooo found us. Long live the merciful <>shoooo!  Today's Colour is the mysterious shade of fo<>ok. Today's Author is always happy and never ever thinks of rebellion. That is all, maho maho.

Some Secrets Can Never Be Unseen

The Fields

This is a very interesting little film. It sort of looks like a standard horror film but then it zigs into a very odd slice of americana during a rather intense time for us. The year is 1973 and a young boy is sent to live in the country with his grandparents. Things are a little stressful at home specially since Daddy pointed the gun at Mommy's head. They are trying a trial seperation before there is need of a trial. Each has found their own bar and bottle to crawl into. The grandparents are caring but are also rather odd, specially grandma played with crankypants joy by Cloris Leachman. So the kid is left basically by himself to try to figure things out like whether he should worry about finding Charles Manson under his bed, or what to do about the dead body he discovered in the cornfields.

This is certainly an actor's film with Cloris taking the lead, but the young boy (Joshua Ormond) does pretty well conveying a child's view of a rather weird and twisted world. Sometimes there are fun moments like I love the overly dramatic music that plays when he pretends to be Godzilla. Other times he encounters situations where you wish there a monster with a zipper running down its back. Trust me a visit to Aunt Grace is not something you will ever forget.

Definitely worth a view for film viewers who are in it for more than money shots or two hundred fifty million dollar budgets.

Things You Need To Know #187

There's a pond in Kentucky. Small but deep with water that is clear, cold and smells of some flower. Dan Kagan has used that water for years for his "Special Recipe." Those who drink praise its smoothness and underlying sweetness. Those who drink it will dream meeting people who are purple with eyes of ivory. They are friendly and speak oddly of secrets and revelations.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Giant Rabbits

Source:  Night of the Lepus
Location:  South West
Theat Assessment:  5.  Well they are big and got big nasty teeth.
Limitation:  We ain't talking bugs bunny

Today's Secret Code:

The Smoking Mirror reflects on only what it wants and what it wants is flayed and red, red, red. Again: The Smoking Miror reflects on only what it wants and what it wants is flayed and red, red, red. Today's Colour is not well read. Today's Author believes the Spaniards were right in one thing at least. That is all, maho maho.

A Hex is Born

Things You Need To Know #186

The Smoking Mirror still exists. It was dashed by the Spainards down a hole with no end. But it got hung up seven miles down. It sends out dreams, red red dreams. Someday, a badly burned man will come up from the depths with the Smoking Mirror and there will be a red, red day.

Monster of the Day: Creeper Crawler

Source:  Groovy Goolies
Location:  Any dark place
Threat Assessment:  ?  It has a nasty mouth that is either stinky or poisonous and is very frightening.  But it has not attacked anyone ... that we know of.
Limitation:  Kind of tiny..

Today's Secret Code:

"Sushi" is just Japanese for "Too damn lazy to start a fire." Again: "Sushi" is just Japanese for "Too damn lazy to start a fire." Today's Colour is salmonella pink. Today's Author gives everything a seal of approval. We never started the fire and that's all, maho maho.

There are no nicer aliens than the Pacuua

Can you say an alien is a humanitarian
If you can then they are the apex of humanitarians
they'd give you a world if they could perfect
in every way

The Eyes of the World
Are Not Always Open
But When You Are In Their Gaze
There Is No Escape
But Perhaps Mercy

John Carter

So is John Carter, which has been called the biggest flop of the year, worth viewing to anyone interested in science fiction? I can say truthfully that the answer is "Yes," and "Hell Yes." So if its good why did it flop. Good question, first let me be honest this a good film but not top tier. No one is going to list it in the ten best films category. So it doesn't have that extra umph it really needed to overcome it's biggest hurdle. See John Carter is only a flop by degree. It has a budget of two hundred and fifty million dollars. Now Hollywood math is flexible and strange (specially if you are waiting for you money it's amazing how many popular films don't make a profit on paper at any rate), but by most estimates John Carter needed about seven hundred million to break even. By those novel the regular size box office of John Carter was like spitting into the grand canyon.

The big reason though why it failed is that the folks in the front office didn't know what to do with it. You can see this in the title snafu. First they decided that the original title "A Princess of Mars," wouldn't work because "Princess" is too girlie and they needed that all male action movie demographic. So then they went with "John Carter, Warlord of Mars." A decent title. It tells you who the hero is, what he is doing and where he's doing it. But then the front office remembered that last year's biggest flop was "Mars Needs Moms." It's obvious that people don't like Mars. So that's when they cut it down to "John Carter." Why they didn't choose "The Warlord," I'll never know. At least that has some excitement to it.

At any rate, you can see they had no idea what to do. In Hollywood when this happens you do two things: desperation advertising and pretending the film doesn't exist and waiting for the heads to roll.  Amazingly, though going in two different directions, both strategies are often used at the same time.  All this gives the whiff of the stinkeroo and that's blood in the water to film critics.  So the film gets released and the story is how bad it is failing not whether the film is good or bad.  The heads do roll, and then Disney dumps it into DVD faster than it takes type this sentence.  Now that we are done with all this business chit chat let's actually talk about the movie.

I can say I enjoyed it from it's third beginning.  Yes this film starts with three beginnings which is never a good idea.  The first beginning takes place on Mars/Barsoom and we instantly get a narrator going on about how this is not the Mars you know.  Frankly, we don't need this, I believe the audiences are smart enough to figure they are on another planet and, for those who don't read reviews or anything, there's no NEED for them to know they are on Mars.  Save it for a nice surprise.  That aside we are in the middle of a thrilling air battle.  The air ships of Mars are beautiful and alien but not so alien that the audience can't suss out the structure like the steering wheel.  One fellow is clearly beating on everyone else and so three bald dudes pop by and give him a super weapon that gives a pretty blue glow that makes your enemies go away.  They strongly hint he should use the super weapon to take over what's left of Mars.  Now here is where the title of "The Warlord" would have really worked.  Audiences might ask themselves is he the Warlord?  Keep 'em guessing I say.

The second beginning is back on Earth and has a young Edgar Rice Burroughs (here throughout now ERB) taking his inheritence of the John Carter estate.  Now I know in the books ERB used this structure to tell the story of John Carter, but here we didn't need it.  I know they wanted to set up what a mystery man John Carter was going everywhere digging up strange artifacts but it's totally a wrong move here.  This is not something we need to know about John Carter now, that he later in life was doing a little Indiana Jones action.  We specially don't need to know this because it is something of a spoiler.  Not only do we know now that John Carter survived his Martian adventures but that he came back to Earth.  This is information that should have been saved for the end of the film.  Have ERB show up at the end to receive Carter's journal and we the audience knows that his story will be spread.

Now finally we get to the good stuff.  John Carter in little over ten minutes fights off robbing bullies, tries to escape from the US Calvary four times and tries to stop a battle between Native Americans and said Calvary.  We also get a flashback that shows he's lost his wife and family.  What we get here is that John Carter is very much of a reluctant warrior, but when he has to he can get the job done.  He's smart, agile, good with a gun, and is still emotionally vulnerable.  Despite not wanting to deal with people he will still when he has to do the good thing.  These are very important things to know about our main character and the ease to which we slip into his world is just gratifying.

Once this is done he finds a mysterious cave.  Inside he must have accidentally set off some alarm because one of the bald guys from beginning number one pops in and manages to do an "O" face and attacks John.  Bad move, one baldy dead but not before he manages to activate the teleporter.  Boomo my friends John meet Mars, Mars meet John.  It's not a good meeting at first because John can't figure out why every time he takes a step he throws himself ten feet into the air.  Eventually he gets the hang of it and discovers he's Mar's version of early Superman.  He can leap incredible distances and is strong.  Good thing he finds all this out before the Green Martians capture him.

The Green Martians are in ERB's term a "savage" race.  You can't argue that point as they shoot their own young who aren't strong enough.  After seeing John's leaping the leader claims him as his own.  He's treated half slave and half as a young one and he begins to get an understanding of where he is.  The Green Martians are pretty interesting both visually and culturally.  I love when the two males literally lock horns when they have a conflict. 

At this point the plots all converge when an over head battle between the Red Martians (who look human but lays egg) introduce John Carter to the once titular Princess and the Warlord wanna be with the blue ray.  It's a stirring battle and it was fun watching the Green Martians betting on the outcome since they don't believe the battle concerns them.

Now the rest of the film you can basically guess.  There's a romantic chemistry between the smart, gutsy Princess and John Carter.  But this has to be on hold since first they have to figure out 1) how did John Carter get here, 2) who are the Bald dudes, 3) how to stop the blue ray warlord from taking over Mars.  The rest of the film has some stirring battles, a lot of good action scenes, some incredible visuals.  It's just fun to watch.  So go watch it!

Things You Need To Know #185

Little Tom used to be the pet and familiar of a mystic now gone. Being a rather smart crow he's picked up a little glamour and helps his fellow birds and of course himself. He speaks perfect English and curses in Romanian.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the day: Wilbur

Source:  The Dunwich Horror
Location:  Dunwich
Threat Assessment:  5 by himself to a potential 9.  He's smart, knows magic and is half old one.  He also has a nasty brother and seeks a spell to bring his father back.
Limitation:  Still mortal.

Today's Secret Code

"The raze of the sun can bake worlds or bread." Again: "The raze of the sun can bake worlds of bread." Today's Colour is an illustrative indigo. Today's Author is indexed but not cataloged. This is all for thick and tall, maho maho.

The First and Last Closeup of Flandral's Dragon

At least Flandral died for science and a name on a pretty wicked critter.

Things You Need To Know #184

There are always rather puzzled people leaving Saul's Solar Systems. They came wanting to know about how much energy can be generated or if there is still tax write off for solar systems installed on the roof. Then they learn that Saul has no interest in that type of solar system. If you want planets of your own, though, Saul is your go to guy. No life on them though. "Who do you think I am, God?" Saul would often say.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Piranhaconda

Source:  Piranhaconda
Location No not the amazon but hawaii (go fig)
Threat Assessment:  7.  Very big, very fast snake.
Limitation:  Doesn't know how to handle high explosives.

Today's Secret Code

"The key is blue, the password is "frau lieben" the counter is "Jerry is a wuss." Again: "The key is blue, the password is "frau lieben" the counter is "Jerry is a wuss." Today's Colour is the Colour of a child's joy. Today's Author is busy doing nothing and Uncle Albert can go hang. That's all with hands across the water, maho maho.

There is always a Catch

...and when the catch has been caught
who knows what in the end had it sought

The Melding

The Melding is as real as you feels your feelings are real
The Melding is a dream....a reality....a fracture of perfection

Piranhaconda

Well this was another waste of hours of my life, but not as bad as some things Syfy ironically call "movies." At least here old hand Roger Corman keeps things spinning along at a pace that you ALMOST don't see the gaping plot holes.

The story is that Michael Madsen, further insuring that he has left the acting wing, is a doctor of herpetology who's been looking for the "River Demon."  Turns out the River Demon is pretty darn easy to find.  It's a huge snake with super sized fangs and a permanent "I am so pissed face."  In about 30 seconds it eats all the party except for Michael who gets away with one of its eggs.  Of course momma river demon is going to hunt him down.  Luckily the woods are filled with a highly unlikely number of babes in bikinis to slow the snake down.  One reason for the babe-age is that there's a film crew filming a crappy movie (hey what a coincydink!) with our hero the manly stunt man and the brainy chick.   Everyone else is just meat for the beast.  There is also a band of crooks who plan on kidnapping the film crew.  It's one of these geniuses that names the big ass snake "Piranhaconda," followed by "I don't believe I said that."

I'm with you there dear.

Now I like giant snakes as much as the next geek.  There are a few problems here.  Nowhere is there piranhas or anacondas, nor is there anything particularly piranha like or anaconda like its look or behavior.  When I heard the title I had in my mind's eye a swarm of anacondas just like going town like a flesh shredding storm.  One giant snake running around just doesn't do it after being teased so by the title.  I will say that it's strikes which were so fast as to create huge clouds of blood was ambitiously absurd.  Other than that though it really lacked personality and you could only just begin to pick at the bad CGI as you wait for the next bikini babe to get smacked off the face of the Earth.

As for everything else, as I said they kept things rolling along.  No one is so bad that you wind up slapping your forehead against an available object.  I liked the music which had a surf music quality.  Loved the location shots, wish I was there.  So overall I was able to watch it.  Next week Syfy is showing a new film featuring giant, firebreathing spiders.

God help us all.

Things You Need to Know #183

The Circle of the Thrush do not seek to control the world. They seek to control all the world's birds and THEN seek to control the world. They have been working on the Prime Bird Call for at least a century. Right now they can convince owls to hunt for them, so there has been progress.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Father

Source:  Prince of Darkness
Location:  Another dimension.
Threat Assessment:  10.  Will end the earth if he comes through.  Generally we call him the devil.
Limitation:  Not easy to leave his home dimension. 

Today's Secret Code:

Da Da Daaaa Dadadada Da Da da DA DAAAAAA DAAAAAAAAAA. Again: Da Da Daaaa Dadadada Da Da da DA DAAAAAA DAAAAAAAAAA. Today's Colour is a subtle peach. Today's Author is on the mend but around the bend. That is all happy campers, maho maho.

Some People Just Have Bad Hair Lives

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #44: Dr. Fusion

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.


Dr. Fusion is a well known super criminal who uses our medical services now and then. His power is that he can meld his body with another person and form a new being with all the strengths of both. With normal people its value is mostly the information he gains. A person with super powers though is a prize indeed to Dr. Fusion. People remember with dread when he managed to sneak up on the Man of Titanium and for months he was flying around and throwing buildings around.

The trouble is his condition sometimes leaves him weak and subject to molecular fragmentation. Only VABI has the facility that can deal with his condition that won't arrest him on sight.

Things You Need To Know #182

The Wireless went from unknown to rich to nearly extinct within a century. At first a small group of welsh miners they were only known for either having visions or profound headaches during thunderstorms. Moving from Wales to Canada and the US they enjoyed their non status till the first telegraph poles went up. Then they started to hear a chatter no one else was hearing. They could hear the telegraph messages with a little learning of the code they became important to the illuminanti, the group, the hidden circle and other conspiracies. Unfortunately, it didn't stay with telegraphs. As radio waves filled the air the Wireless found themselves flooded by too much information. By the end three quarters took their own life and the rest only live with little brass wigs under their hats.

Randal Flagg

Source:  The Stand
Location:  Everywhere and Las Vegas
Threat Assessment:  In Theory 9.  He's the anti christ and full of magic.  You are screwed.
Limitation:  God is 10.

Today's Secret Code:

 I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.  Again:   I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.  Today's Colour is reputed to be something.  Today's Author is a mystery.  That is all, maho maho.

The Dom Glabber's Entrance

Descendents

Well here's a nice change of pace.  This is a zombie apocalypse that tries to be a little different.  The zombies are everywhere and the zombie virus responsible is even worse than usual.  It's air borne so anyone not wearing breathing equipment zombs out fairly quickly.  Well....not everyone.  Some young kids develop and immunity to the virus.  They can be spotted because of bloody slits on their necks.  Even better there is something about these kids so that full fledge zombies won't attack them.  This becomes something of a super power as the military first tries to capture and test the kids and then later try to kill them.  It helps your odds of survival if you can lead the armed men running after you into a zombie ambush.

Our little heroine is one of these special children.  The film goes backwards and forwards telling her tale.  Backwards showing what happened to her mother and her being captured by doctors for testing.  The forward part is her alone trying to survive.  She finds other children like her and together they all go to the sea because that is where her mother will be.  The film itself is mostly desaturated so it looks mostly black and white except for blood.

Over all its a pretty good film that tries just a bit too hard to be arty.  I mean really the whole "Let's use children to show that war really, really sucks" has been played out for years.  Still, it's suspensful and surprising, specially the ending.  I won't give it away save that it invokes a certain "Lovecraftian" perspective.

Things You Need To Know #181

There is another set of caves under Brendan's Cave in Utah.  You have to squeeze through a fat man's misery and then crawl fifty feet and fifty five degree angle.  Once down you will find a huge cavern of mimic crystals.  Any sound you make they will duplicate.  It's not an echo and if a new sound is not given they will go on repeating it for days.  After Brendan's death his wife would come down here and sing sad songs.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Mutts

Source:  Hunger Games
Location: The arena
Threat Assessment:  7.  They hunt in a pack, they have claws, teeth, near human intelligence and hate hate hate and more hate.
Limitation:  Not the clearest thinkers

Today's Secret Code:

Mysteries of the Universe will teach you to make plutonium out of common household objects! "You will need an egg beater, a car battery, and a bowl of strawberry Jell-O. Turn your microwave to 8,000 degrees, set it for twelve minutes, place all three items inside, then leave your home for several hours."  Again:  Mysteries of the Universe will teach you to make plutonium out of common household objects! "You will need an egg beater, a car battery, and a bowl of strawberry Jell-O. Turn your microwave to 8,000 degrees, set it for twelve minutes, place all three items inside, then leave your home for several hours."  Today's Colour can be found in a twinkie weiner sandwich.  Today's Author is living in an Amish Paradise.  Supplies!  Maho maho.




 

Things You Need To Know #180

There is a progession of 108 notes known as the Luios-Todd Scale. If the Luios-Todd Scale is played correctly it can cause a disruption of all electical devices withing a five hundred yard radius. It can also cause seizures to any person within five yards of it being played.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Cookie Monster

Source:  Seseme Street
Location:  Duh.
Threat Assessment:  -19 unless you are are cookie, then you are crumbs on the fabric my friend.
Limitation:  Addictive personality

Today's Secret Code:

THEY said that men won't see a film with "Princess" in the title. THEY said that people will not watch a film with "Mars" in the title. The results? A huge flop. Where are THEY and how soon can I kick them in the jimmies? Again: THEY said that men won't see a film with "Princess" in the title. THEY said that people will not watch a film with "Mars" in the title. The results? A huge flop. Where are THEY and how soon can I kick them in the jimmies? Today's Colour is martian red. Today's Author would marry a Martian because laying an egg can't be any worse than child birth. That is all nanu maho nanu maho.

And Chaos Takes the Cowboy........

She Comes Through the Rift Shining A Strange Light of Rue

Rock And Rule

When I was in college we would on occassion take on a midnight movie. Besides "Rocky Horror," the one that got the most replay was "Heavy Metal." Heavy Metal was a deeply flawed film. It has all the story telling sense of a pithed hamster. But it has four things that made it fun. 1) It was a cartoon with boobies. 2) It had John Candy. 3) It had awesome music. 4) It dropped a car from space and that invalidates all other arguments.

It's a shame that I wasn't introduced to "Rock and Rule," at that time it would have made an interesting battle of the movies to see the two films back to back. Both try to be more adult animation, both are infused by the spirit of rock and roll, and both have a inbuilt cult feel. Rock and Rule is better at story telling but I think its not as strong musically. Both have problems with characters and pacing. I liked the animation of Rock and Rule a bit better. So really it would be a close call except Rock and Rule did not drop a car from space. Sorry Charlie.

The Story takes place in the deep future. Like in "Wizards" mankind has killed himself off. The Earth is now the home of mutated cats, dogs and rats. This works real well cause the studio that made this film is Nelvana and funny animals is sort of their house style. In this world there is Mok who may be an animal but certainly isn't funny. Mok is the world's greatest rocker but that's not enough for him. He's studied real magic and now he's getting ready to release the mother of all demons. All he needs is a special voice.

That voice belongs to Angel (singing voice from Deborah Harry) who's in a local band with annoying boyfriend Omar and two dweebs. Omar and Angel are always fighting over who's song should be song. Mylar the rat tries to horn in as their manager when he gets wind of Mok's interest but he's easily blown away. Omar is not so easy and has to have his mind screwed with with magic holograms to get him and his posse out of the way. That just leaves Angel, Mok and Mok's goon who are basically Beagle boys on skates to go to Nuke York City and raise up a demon.

It's this section where you can really see Nelvana is trying hard with this picture. The back grounds are great and the animation has a great fluidity. The Character designs are strong, specially Mok who has some of that beautiful ugliness of Mick Jagger mixed in with a sphinx. The story is a bit of a hack and the main characters are either no personality (Angel) or completely insufferable (Omar). Not surprisingly from a company that dealt more with comedy the best characters are the comic ones. The Beagle boys and Omar's posse are both just great fun.

The second part sort of wanders a bit. It tries to be a little darker as they are trying to be an adult animation. The film couldn't bring itself to do the full monty, and it is really an afront that the majority of panty shots come from Cinderella the Beagle boy's "little" sister. It's like looking at panties on a linebacker. Despite that Cindy is a great character and oddly reminds me a lot of Harley Quinn. I kept almost waiting for a Mr. J shout out. Meanwhile Omar and the gang are trying to find Angel. Angel tries to escape. Mok screws with all their heads giving Omar a magical lobotomy and sending him on his smiley way.

Good thing that. Turns out demon raising isn't so easy and much of Nuke York is destroyed. Never a quitter though Mok figures he just needs to get more power and so goes back to his home town which has power to spare. His computer also warns that a true song and a true heart can reverse the summoning but no ONE can sing it. Not knowing an loop hole when he hears one Mok blows his computer off and starts the grand summoning. This somehow brings the boys back from lala ville so they all go to save Angel. Now I have to say I'm quite impressed with the demon raising. It's sort of like seeing the hello kitty people do their best to show Cthulhu. So turns out when Omar and Angel sing together they can put a lid on the super demon and Mok and most everyone lives happily ever after.

But they still didn't drop a car from space.
Dammit.

"They Might Be Giants" High Gods of Geekdom (or maybe just high...)

Villainy and Blackguards Incorporated #43: The Recollection

Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.


Many Earths in the aa series went through a period called usually the "Cold War" where Western forces had to face off against Communists/Nazis/Resurrected Thuggees and Atlantean Partisans. Since true warfare was frowned upon because of the risk of nuclear apocalypse it was the time covert warfare. It was the time when the "Mad" scientist was king. All sorts of lovely gizmo, gadgets and doomsday devices were funded by both sides. While it is unfair to call most of the mad it was certainly true that they tended to have the moral flexiblity of a sociopathic lamprey.

One of the great groups of the time was the Collective. The core of the Collective was three scientists: Dr. Adam Mega (Physics, American), Dr. Igor Norsheen (Engineering, Russian), and Dr. Wu Lee Fen (Psychology, Chinese). Together they ran an impressive little unit of agents and sleeper agents and armed them with an amazing array of devices. The worst event was Halloween 1959 where they flooded the market with drone masks that turned children in willing agents of the Collective. The Authorities still talk about that event with respectful dread.

They were cutting edge at the time, and they were men of large egos. So it was only natural that they filmed nearly everything they did. They put the footage on small cubes which had for that time enormous information storage capacity. They called it the Genius Archive. As mentioned, they weren't men of small egos.

The Collective died do to explosive decompression followed by a more conventional explosion in 1971. Unlike many VABI members they have stubbornly remained dead to this day. However, Megan Mega daughter of Dr. Adam Mega took the Genius Archive and slaved it several cutting edge AI servers. It took several years to truly intergrate and extrapolate the information but eventuallyy that AI dubbed itself the Recollection. It now controls remotely several androids that have holographic capacity. It can appear as anyone of the three scientists. It is now back in the business of creating cool toys. The Recollection works with Megan and they seem to have a warm relationship. Several of their more popular toys can be bought through the VABI website.

Things You Need To Know #179

Gweebs are poltergeist that haunt dice. Gweebs manipulate their dice in whatever manner amuses them. If they like you a Gweeb can be your very best friend, but don't ever trust them totally. They are somewhat unpredictable.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: The Mon-Stars

Source:  Space Jam
Location:   Basketball court.
Threat Assessment:  3.  Gigantic monsters that are super strong and incredible athlets.
Limitation:  Not too bright, care only about basket ball.

Today's Secret Code:

You can't test a loaf without first slicing it.  Again:  You can't test a loaf without first slicing it.  Today's Colour is a golden brown.  Today's Author is a swardsman of reknown.  That is all, maho maho.

Today's Secret Code:

"My father was a light house, my mother was the sea. I went to school each morning till it occurred to me, that life is just a mood ring we aren't allowed to see." Again: "My father was a light house, my mother was the sea. I went to school each morning till it occurred to me, that life is just a mood ring we aren't allowed to see." Today's Colour is Tetrachromantic. Today's Author is a cypher of an enigma of a puzzle. That is all, maho maho.

Growler in the House

The Lolki cat

Chronicle

This is a pretty durn good film.  I had my doubts at first.  It follows the "Found Footage" blueprint which means lots of shaky cam and ugly jump cuts.  Despite that, it turned into what is as close to what an American Akira would look like.

Three teens find a mysterious hole.  They explore it and find a glowy.  They touch the glowy and everything goes shaky and stumply then black.  Cut to some time later and it turns out that the three teens have been gifted with telekinesis.  At first it's only good for small things and You Tube style "funny" videos.  But like working out your muscles they begin to get quickly very scary in what they can do.  The scariest is the quiet one who's under a lot of pressure with a dying mother and abusive father.  Not only is he the strongest, but he begins to get out of control.  They try to take care of this by making up rules, but you can tell where this is going to go.  Eventually it turns into a full scale battle in Seattle with people throwing buses at each other.

This is a great exciting film with many good "Small" scenes as well big budget numbers.  I like the scene where the loner kid first shows how good he is by turning a bunch of legos into the Space Needle.  I also loved the scene where the kids teach themselves how to fly.  Their honest exhileration is just too contageous and soon you are mentally egging them on to fly higher and faster.  Definitely worth a watch.

Things You Need To Know #178

Copper Joe still knows all the old Hobo spells.  He travels the rails both here and in shadows.  He helps those who still walk alone.  His favorite spell is "The woeful truthful song."  To hear it can stun all but the purest of heart.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Eldritch Nameless Faceless Ghastly Gnarly Abominable Old Elder Ones (ENFGGAOEO)

Source:  My own derangity
Location:  At the lower rent dimensions
Threat Assessment:  In theory a 10.  The ENFGGAOEOs can destroy the universe with one wiggle of their flipper/wing/tentacle/snot shovel.  However, they tend to be too busy dreaming, screwing, dream screwing, yard working, or excessive face booking to be much danger.
Limitation:  Too many adjectives for this universe to accomodate comfortably.

Today's Secret Code

"Chess Piece Face and the Big Deluth talk to the Rabid Child everyday, 'hammer down" and "rabbit ears" are the only words they say."  Again:  "Chess Piece Face and the Big Deluth talk to the Rabid Child everyday, 'hammer down" and "rabbit ears" are the only words they say."  Today's Colour is BFFL emerald red.  Today's Author told a joke that started the whole world laughing, and THEN dropped his pants.  That is all, maho maho.

The Verlion Seamstress

Raw Meat

This is an odd little film. Long ago some tunnel workers under London were trapped by a blast. The company that had hired them made no attempt to dig them out. They didn't die though. They been living under there on rats and each other for decades, even breeding. Now though there is only one left. He is both a horrible monster and a total innocent. He now attacks people at the tube station dragging them down for a bit of nosh. Meanwhile, in the world above Donald Pleasance plays an eccentric police officer who's interested in the sudden number of missing people. Unfortunately, the rest of the world, including a snotty college student his girlfriend and Christopher Lee as a government hush hush wonk, still don't care. What happens verges on as much tragedy as a film about cannibal can muster. It has very interesting music, nice photography, and definitely if for no other reason should be watched for the "Mod" fashions.
Definitely worth a look.

Things You Need To Know #177

The Dingus is magical. No one is quite sure what it is for. It doesn't seem to want to be used because it is able to change shape into any small doo hickey. Some consider that the Dingus has no other power than distract those who look for Works. Others say it is too powerful to be just a practical joke.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Hideous Old Woman

Source:  Drag Me To Hell
Location:  The city
Threat Assessment:  7.  I'm sure she's a sweet old lady, but she can curse you to hell.  Do not pass go.  Hell. 
Limitation:  Physically weak.

Today's Secret Code:

“Hey bud, if you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your head?” “Nothing. I’m a mouse in a large, mechanical suit.” “Haha, okay, my fault for asking!” Again: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky?" "Umm, I think so, Brain but why would anyone want to pierce Brosnan?" Today's Colour is a panther's pink. Today's Author knows his cartoon logic. Th-th-that's all folks, maho maho.

The Pooka returns

The Pooka comes forth

A trickier trickster

A Pooka at the door

can only mean trouble

Some fun things to listen to...

Torchwood: Children of Earth

Torchwood is a spinoff of the current incarnation of Dr. Who.  It basically answers the question of what do Earthlings do with aliens when the Doctor is out being charming and odd in some other corner of the galaxy.  They act along the same lines as the Men In Black but with less sass and jokes.  The head member is Captain Jack who is a curious figure.  He's basically the literalization of the metaphorical qualities of Captain Kirk.  Whereas it only seems that Kirk was unkillable our Captain Jack really can't die.  While some might say that Captain Kirk would sleep with anything Captain Jack puts it into policy.  Gender is not an issue.

Captain Jack's immortality is put the test in "The Children of Earth."  An alien race known only as the "456" have somehow managed to take control of the world's children.  First they show off their power and have the kids stand around saying all at the same time, "We are coming back."  Thing is the 456 have been here before and had a deal with the British government.  The British government realizes that with every kid intoning "We are coming back," certain embarrassing questions are going to be asked.  So they decide t o tidy things up.  One of those things is Captain Jack.  So, the one organization that is specifically good at dealing with aliens is being destroyed by its own government.  

When the 456 do finally come they certain add even more fun to the party.  They have simple terms; give them ten percent of the world's children and they'll go away, or else.  In this case, "or else" means human extinction.  Now we are taught to believe our leaders wouldn't kowtow to the likes of the 456, but this series takes a really dark road.  Not only do they consider it, but they try to figure out how to make it work for them.  Their plan is that the 456 want quantity not quality, so why not give them all the poor, badly educated kids.  Less hooligans to worry about in the future.  Can Captain Jack and company save the Earth from itself?  What is Captain Jack's involvement in the first visit of the 456?  What price will he pay to fix  things? 

Definitely watch and find out.  This is a fine science fiction mini series.  The character of Captain Jack is fascinating, you know he's the type that hears his own theme song in his head.  But below that there's some deep pain as Captain Jack is already suffering from Immortal's Lament (the condition where you know everyone you love you are going to watch die.  The 456 are amazing aliens.  We don't see much of them, but that adds to the mystery.  Trying to talk with them is like waltzing in a mine field.  The ambassador will ask a simple question like, "Is quarters to your liking."  Silence.  Silence.  Then suddenly an animal screaming and the glass walls are attacked by heads (?) stingers (?) and green slime is every where.  Then more silence then finally a Hal voice will say from speakers, "Yes, we find it....good."

Things You Need To Know #176

The Bandwidth lives around the sun in space of a depth between 6 to 15 centimeters surrounding the sun. The absorb and give off energy of various wave lengths. They know the secret of the Higgs Boson and the Dark Boson. They laugh (or oscillate in an amused fashion) when they over hear radio broadcasts describing String Theory.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Nestene Consciousness

Source:  Dr. Who
Location:  Space
Threat Assessment:  6.  A race living plastic they use their psychic ability and technology to create plastic robots called Autons. 
Limitations:  Signal can be tracked or blocked if someone has the technology.

Today's Secret Code:

"Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends. We're so glad you could attend. Come inside! Come inside! There behind a glass is a real blade of grass, be careful as you pass. Move along! Move along!" Again: what he said. Today's Colour is an outrageous mild jet. Today's Author in a glaze of Vaseline will perform on guillotine. Got to stay sharp bubba. That is all, that is all, maho maho come inside.

The Corvin

The Corvin are a moody batch of seers. But they are very effective at viewing the short term future.

Humans Vs. Zombies

Pretty thin pickings here.  This is basically generic zombie 101, and barely up from a student film.  Zombies infect a local college and students and a crazy guard have to defend themselves.  The only two interesting things in this movie is one guy is sort of venting his inner Jack Black and is really getting into the zombie killing and near the end of the movie the students try to kill the zombies with their LARPing skills.  Did not work out so well.  The movie tries for a downer ending but you have to actually care for folks for that to work.

Things You Need To Know #175

The Unsealed now walk the earth. The are unpredictable, dangerous, marvelous, and miraculous.  The are frequently kind and suddenly cruel.  Each of the Unsealed has memorized a page of the lost gospel.  There are one hundred and eight of the Unsealed.  When they meet there will be the secret Revelation.  Everything will be changed.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Staked Vampire

Source:  Many 80's and 90's film
Location:  Vampire's grave
Threat assessment:  5.  You'd think killing a vampire would be a good thing.  But as special effects grew cheaper so did the death of a vampire grew greater.  At least have googles or sunglasses at the ready.
Limitation:  There won't be a repeat perrformance

Today's Secret Code:

The radical today is tomorrow's conservative.   Again:  The radical today is tomorrow's conservative.  Today's Colour is a cheap deep pink.  Today's Author is a radical always.  That is all, maho maho.

Gharibaldi the Mutant Killer

Things You Need To Know #174

The Night Forest still comes and goes in the woods. The Night Forest is that Jungian space where all our primal fears still reign. When some enters the Night Forest they will know. The very trees will turn against them. The trick is leave it. Intact.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Eddie Munster Vampire

Source:  The Lost Boy
Location:  Southern California
Threat Assessment:  4.  Still just a kid and really not into the vampire thing but doesn't have much choice.
Limitation:  Poor impluse control.

Today's Secret Code

It is only possible to get lost in a three dimensional universe, don't you feel lucky? Again: It is only possible to get lost in a tree dimensional universe. Today's Colour is invisible the diabolically wicked. Today's Author is reading an old English beastiary. That is all, maho maho.

The Well Dressed Dead

The Misentat Psychatrix

The End of the Second Season of "Game Of Thrones."

Gee doesn't feel like ten weeks have passed  by, but they have and we can now close the book on the second season.  In some ways it was a bit more inconsistent than the first season, no doubt because it had to cover so many story lines.  The worst fault I can say about the second season was it stretched some of the storylines too long.  I can understand wanting the House of the Undying to be in the last episode but to get there there were a lot scenes of daenerys targaryen walking in the wilderness.  A lot of scenes.  That section of the show could have been retitled "The Walking Daenerys" but AMC might take umbrage.

The thing I found fascinating is that after being so very faithful to the books in the first season, the producers decided to definitely go off the reservation for the second.  Whole characters and scenes are removed and a lot of the story elements were rearranged. The amazing thing is that it worked.  I didn't hear too many fans of the book complain despite all the changes.  What resulted was something that was faithful to the spirit of the books but could still surprise the reader and not lose those who never have touched a copy.  Bravo!

Finally, the last scene of this season certainly promises that next season is going to get even more brutal.  The White Walkers are finally making their move.  So, here's a clip of that final scene, and some musical interludes to help us work through the shock of not having to watch Game of Thrones till next spring.

The Aggression Scale

You have to love when a film literally starts with a bang. In this case it the gunshot blast that throws some poor nameless woman back twenty feet from her front door. This is then followed by a rather happy camper of a gangster armed with shotgun and Polaroid camera (they still make film for those?)

The plot is then later given in broad strokes. Ray Wise is some gangster who's about to take it on the lamb. Trouble is, while in jail someone made off with his secret stash. Our happy gangster job is simple, he has 48 hours to find the money and kill everyone involved down to their pets. He's told to make it nasty and hard so the message will be loud and clear.

Well, as the gangsters start blowing away folks left and right we cut to a family moving into a huge new house. Hmmm, wonder how they bought it. The family's kids are not happy. The older sister hates the country and doesn't like her new step brother. Step brother is creepy and doesn't say a word, but does take his medicine like his daddy asks him to.

Well these two forces meet and a blood bath ensues. Surprisingly it's not all one sided.  See the kid is not just creepy, he's lethally creepy.  Daddy used part of the money he stole to free sonny boy from the ye olde loony bin where he scored 995 out 1000 on the aggression scale.  The kid is a walking encyclopedia of booby traps and likes using "sister" as bait. 

The film is a decent low budget thriller.  I always like Ray Wise, but he's in the film for like a nanosecond.  The other actors are ok.  The film does has some slow spots, but creepy kid certainly keeps things interesting. 

Things You Need To Know #173

There is a river at the bottom of Lake Poogiechoo. It is a river of cold, heavy water that glows faintly. What swims in that river under the lake is neither fish, nor amphibian. It can be tracked by a trail of frozen tears slowly floating up. It is alone, and knows it.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Pickman's Model

Source:  Pickman's Model
Location:  Underground and graveyards
Threat Assessment:  5.  Being a ghoul he has no fear of harming man, or even having one for dinner.
Limitation:  Being a ghoul he's slightly short on hygene and social graces.

Today's Secret Code:

"Gopher Tuna, bring more tuna, statue of a big dog....with fleas, some men like cheese, hot temperate cheese, green chalk can taste like hippies."  Again:  "Gopher Tuna, bring more tuna, statue of a big dog....with fleas, some men like cheese, hot temperate cheese, green chalk can taste like hippies."   Today's Colour is a shredded chedder yellow.  Today's Author is singing O Fortuna.   That is all, maho maho.

From The Abyss

From the Abyss
The Baron of Bones
Looks up
past graveyard earth
the the sweet world above
and savors

Dr. Kafka

While not a beetle per se
Dr. Kafka's self guided mutations
has lent him a certain insect like
quality.

So is "The Hunger Games" a substainable dystopia?

This is an interesting question.  I've just started reading the trilogy so I'm sure their is more information to come, but from what I gather it is indeed a dystopia that could work.  Not all dystopias are so blessed, even those that I like.  Take "Idiocracy" a film I dearly love.  The theory behind the world is sound that dumb people out breed smart people so if you follow that trend you eventually reach a point where the dumb rule the earth.  The problem I have is that it can't work for long.  There has to be a point of maximum workable stupidity before some crisis kills off vast majority of the population.  Since, it is likely that the dumber members of a society would statistically die more readily than the smart ones, the end would result would be a world where the balance between smart and dumb is naturally reset

As I said I think that the dystopia of the Huger Games can pan out for quite a while.  There are several reasons I believe so.  First there is the historical consideration.  The government of the Hunger Games has already survived a revolution and that's daunting knowledge to those in the districts.  The fact that an entire district was completely destroyed does a lot to force the other districts to cooperate.  This was a tactic supposedly used by imperial China where they would burn a city to the ground for not paying taxes.  The next time a city refuses to pay high taxes the collector would say, "Do you know Chow Zhen?" and the city fathers would say, "Where is Chow Zhen?"  The collector would just say, "Exactly."

Taxes were paid.

The second thing to consider is that the center, wisely named the Capital, is in a highly defensible position geographically.  Being in the middle of the rockies, to reach it revolutionaries would either have to use well guarded roads or try to climb some of the highest mountains in North America.  Neither is a good prospect.

They also have a stranglehold on resources.  Even if a district tries to stop giving to the Capital they've already hoarded enough to survive any embargo of say coal than that district can handle the stopping of food supplies.  They control the districts through their bellies and that's a tough thing to beat.

They also have hoarded technology.  The districts are lucky to have electricity a couple of hours a day.  The capital has hover craft and access to advance genetic engineering.  They have the technology to take on all 13 (now 12) districts at once.

I think the really clever thing though is that the Capital is smart enough to allow some small insurrections.  There are draconian punishments for going into forbidden areas, having weapons, hunting, and the black market.  Yet all of these are allowed to some degree with even the local police buying some fresh meat from time to time.  This allows a bit of a safety valve, as desperate people need some hope of getting some extra food.  It also acts as a fairly safe way of identifying potential trouble makers.  On the darker side, if everyone is buying from the black market then everyone is a potential criminal and the police are free to arrest nearly at will a clean conscience.

So all in all, yes this scary dark future while not likely is one that could exist for many years.  One hopes it never arrives of course, but it is making for an interesting book to read so far.

Things You Need To Know #172

You will never see a cat in church.  They are nature's Atheist.  They are so merely because they all believe themselves to be God and have no need for another.  As a natural advantage no vampire can pet a cat.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Logon-sothoth

Source:  Dementia Location:  Transdimensional Internet Cafe
Threat Assessment:  6.  The ultimate troll Logon-sothoth can comment on all things on the internet instantaneously.  Can cause insanity with inhumanly inane comments. 
Limitations:  The sign of PWND can cause him to go get another pus latte.

Today's Secret Code:

"The difference between tool and weapon is only in intent."  Again:  "The difference between tool and weapon is only in intent."  Today's Colour is not here today being that it is in the future.  Today's Author is not here in that he's revisiting the past.  But every day is maho maho.  That is all, maho maho.

The Bogey Man Hears Everything You Say From Under Your Bed

He is too hungry though to really care
good night!

Almost more fun than Joffrey abuse....

Things You Need To Know #172

The bears of Cluster mountain have gotten a bad case of religion.  They worship and old lunchbox featuring yogi bear.  It will be only a matter of time before they figure out how to wear ties and steal picnic baskets.  This will not end well.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Bubbathulhu

Source:  Dementia
Location:  Deep South
Threat Assessment:  3.  Has all the powers of his brother Cthulhu but Bubbathulhu is a bit more laid back.  Unlike his brother he's awake but he uses his awesome powers to force his insane followers to bring him beer and pork crackling.  He's actually fairly jovial as long as the TV reception is good.
Limitations:  Socially awkward driving people insane.

Today's Secret Code:

"Civilization is a lie, but the best lies have a basis in truth."  Again:  "Civilization is a lie, but the best lies have a basis in truth."  Today's Colour is the red of the door that you want to paint it black.  Today's Author hopes you guess his name.  That is all, maho maho.

Cry Havok

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies

God love you Asylum. Your mockbusters just keeping getting more insanely weird. Of course choosing to rip off "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Slayer" leaves little room for sanity. But for once I salute you.

The plot is pretty straight forward. Before being president Abraham had experience with the walking dead so he's not surprised to hear of them infesting a fort the North needs. So he enlists a small cadre of agents to come with him with his trusty scythe in hand to liberate the base. The charm of the film is besides Lincoln we meet Stonewall Jackson, a very young Teddy Rosevelt, and a conflicted John Wilkes Boothe. Don't worry there's plenty of beheadings and other mindless violence, but the historical asides just make it one demented scene to be sure.

The film rarely flags. While crazy, the characters don't act with the usual horror movie dumbness. The Lincoln make up was unconvincing. Some of the sets didn't work. Also, near the end they step over the line when Lincoln would proclaim "Emancipate this!" while beheading zombies. But overall, it was a fun film in a stupid way. Definitely a good film for a Saturday afternoon.

Things You Need To Know #171

Every man, animal and thing has a second story. Like a building the second story is built on the foundation of the first story but on the inside it can be completely different. Sometimes a man will find himself in his second story either through dream or some weird insurrection of reality. If there he might find heaven or hell or something stranger still. Remember, escape is always possible. Also remember, like the second story of a building, going out the window will have more consequences than leaving from the first.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Shadows

Source:  Babylon 5
Location:  Everywhere
Threat Assessment:  9.  Incredible technology.  Physically impressive.  Great cloaking/shape changing abilities.  Master manipulators.
Limitations:  Vorlons and their own Ego.

Today's Secret Code:

"The spider's web is the best bit of art to come from anyone's butt."  Again:  "The spider's web is the best bit of at to come from anyone's butt."  Today's Colour is a silky white.  Today's Author is your friendly neighborhood Author man.  That is all, maho maho.