Friday, October 7, 2011

Transformers 3: the Dork Side of the Moon

Right. I have not liked the first two transformer films, so guess what? The streak is unbroken hooray! So the plot is for some reason an transformer ship was sent to earth and crashed on the moon. This led to the space program. So I guess we knew about them before the first film, and yet somehow let them hide in our space museum in the second film. Yeah, right. Anyway, whimp-boy-hero can't find a job even after saving the earth which leads to utter boredom. Finally, everyone gets up to speed on this films macguffin from the moon and its a big ol' fight.


Right, first problem is the problem I've had all along is design. It becomes almost ironic in this film when a guy is showing off his car collection, he points out the incredibly smooth lines and how this one car is more art than artifact. Meanwhile, we have clunky robots with more parts sticking out of them than a porcupine orgy. They are ugy, they have been ugly, and there's just no reason for it other than to hire another 60 CGI artists to wiggly bit #5.

Second problem is lebeef, lieboof, lilbeet, whateverthehell his name is. He is the most annoying major star of any film that I can recall. If his career had a face I'd punch it. This time he's even worse as he whines about how he's saved the world and no one will give him a job... boo hoo. Really, we've had little girls that could kick his butt and he's the hero of this thing?

Third, is everything else. The director brings several new definitions to the word "Hack." The writing makes about as much sense as NyQuil fueled Biden speech. They just mercilessly hack away at the original cartoon without understanding one thing that made it special at that time. It's one thing to build and add on to characters, it's another thing just to name rape them.

So, maybe you liked this film dear readers. I don't hold it against you. Lot folks seemed to like it judging from box office. Different strokes for different folks, and different scenes for different genes. I just can't stand these films. For some reason they grate more than films that I know are far worse in quality. Maybe it's because if just a little tweak and a different director it could have been something far more rewarding.

There's always hope for a reboot someday.

1 comment:

  1. Chop it to helll and back there Lazarus! I can agree on alot of your points, and yet I can still enjoy on the base level of action and more action--it's all about belief suspension my friend.