STRANGE SPANNERS being an accounting of strangeness of the warp and woof of my mind For those of you new here, think of this as 1/2 "Night Gallery" Our Motto: Nos somnium quisnam es futurus fatum quod insolitus tutus vos!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
A Lonely Man Has All The Time In The World And More
The Doctor seems to have it all. He can go to nearly anywhen and anywhere. He can live for hundreds of years. He has access the incredible technology and he can even get away with wearing a fez. He's the life of the party, the bigger than life of the party. He's saved the universe many times. You'd think there was nothing the Doctor could want for. That would be true except for one thing:
The Doctor is a lonely man in a lonely universe.
He can't just settle down somewhere and have a normal life with normal friends and lovers. He has too many enemiese, too many responsiblities for that. So that is why he gathers companions to him. People who can handle the strangeness, the danger, and thrive in it. The trouble is, these incredible people never last. They are mortal and age. No one can stay in Neverland forever and so one by one they leave. Some to happy endings and others to tragedy. Then the Doctor is alone again.
His latest companions Amy and Rory were something special even for companions. The Girl Who Waited, The Man Who Waited Two Thousand Years. Not many companions get cool all cap titles. More importantly, they really bonded with the Doctor more as a family then the usual Doctor/Companion relationship. So we knew when we heard hat Amy and Rory were going that it was going to be a sad event.
It was. I admit it. I teared up a little at the end. But beyond that it was truly an incredible episode. The best of the newer villains of the Whoverse, the Weeping Angels, were back...in NEW YORK CITY! What occurred next was one of the most intelligent and frightening hours of TV ever. Using a hard boiled novel as a clever way to contact the Doctor, River Song guides the Doctor back to 1938 New York. There the angels have taking over a hotel to the point where they were breeding (the wee angels were certainly creepy cute!) The only way to escape the Angels was to do the impossible, but sometimes there is a steep price for that and everyone pays in the end.
A grand adventure. A heartfelt good bye. Thank you everyone involved.
The Doctor is a lonely man in a lonely universe.
He can't just settle down somewhere and have a normal life with normal friends and lovers. He has too many enemiese, too many responsiblities for that. So that is why he gathers companions to him. People who can handle the strangeness, the danger, and thrive in it. The trouble is, these incredible people never last. They are mortal and age. No one can stay in Neverland forever and so one by one they leave. Some to happy endings and others to tragedy. Then the Doctor is alone again.
His latest companions Amy and Rory were something special even for companions. The Girl Who Waited, The Man Who Waited Two Thousand Years. Not many companions get cool all cap titles. More importantly, they really bonded with the Doctor more as a family then the usual Doctor/Companion relationship. So we knew when we heard hat Amy and Rory were going that it was going to be a sad event.
It was. I admit it. I teared up a little at the end. But beyond that it was truly an incredible episode. The best of the newer villains of the Whoverse, the Weeping Angels, were back...in NEW YORK CITY! What occurred next was one of the most intelligent and frightening hours of TV ever. Using a hard boiled novel as a clever way to contact the Doctor, River Song guides the Doctor back to 1938 New York. There the angels have taking over a hotel to the point where they were breeding (the wee angels were certainly creepy cute!) The only way to escape the Angels was to do the impossible, but sometimes there is a steep price for that and everyone pays in the end.
A grand adventure. A heartfelt good bye. Thank you everyone involved.
Bonus Things You Need To Know
This just in by throwing up cut up words like omni-cognitive confetti. The man known only as "The Deconstructionist" has escaped from emotionally maximum insecurity word salsa. He is now roaming at random taking things apart. When he, for example, takes apart an alarm clock he is not left with springs and screws but with lumps of ore that those parts came from. Authorities fear the day he takes an interest in biology and dissection.
This was something you needed to know.
Things You Need To Know #259
Dr. Jax Ether might someday be reviled by all humanity for his discovery. He has invented what he calls, somewhat sardonically, "Hell Water." It is an ionic variation of water with the special property that it has no freezing point. It is the antithesis of "Ice 9" from the novel "Cat's Cradle." The only thing that is unclear is what would happened if mixed with regular water. Dr. Ether is reluctant so far to proceed with his experiments. Perhaps wisely.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Large Marge
Source: Pee Wee's Big Adventure
Location: Lonesome roads at night
Threat Assessment: 3. Mostly just wants to give a scare.
Limitation: Like most ghosts she's trapped in a loop.
Location: Lonesome roads at night
Threat Assessment: 3. Mostly just wants to give a scare.
Limitation: Like most ghosts she's trapped in a loop.
Today's Secret Code
It only takes one paradox to potentially get a whole flock. Again: It only takes one paradox to potentially get a whole flock. Today's Colour is a wicked wracked and windy shadow of white. Today's Author did not write this. That is all, maho maho.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
The Invoker Revealed
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| The Circle was surprised to find the person behind the invocatin of ultimate revocation was none other than Duke Kitten They were surprised because they assumed he was still dead |
Things You Need To Know #258
She was Evil divine. He was tube grown to be an ethical super man. In a bad film they would have joined forces and fight crime. In real life they killed each other, but not until after years of fighting and one night of very misguided love. From that one night they are survived by a son. Right now only his aquamarine eyes and the stubborn ability not to die marks him as different from mortals.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Death
Source: The Universe
Location: Everywhere
Threat Assessment: 10. He WILL get you.
Limitation: Often protrayed as an ok fellow. Just doing his job. Sometimes he can be tricked.
Location: Everywhere
Threat Assessment: 10. He WILL get you.
Limitation: Often protrayed as an ok fellow. Just doing his job. Sometimes he can be tricked.
Today's Secret Code
Remember that the King of the Hill is just that much closer to heaven. Again: Remember that the King of the Hill is just that much closer to heaven. Toda's Colour is milky violet. Today's Author knows a secret, a lie, and a really nice southern lady. That is all, maho maho.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Lhaziel Alienigenae Angelus Absentis et perditaque
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| The fire divine Ignis Divinum still burn around the Strange Angels Lhaziel has made his fire a beacon for the lost
Alpha
May adhuc Deus miserere satis pro nobis omnibus
|
Things You Need To Know #257
Cow Neuters look exactly like a stereotypical cowboy or cowgirl. Only a close physical exam will show they are neither boy or girls. Further investigation will show huge gaps in their memory and even perhaps signs of non sentience. Some theorize that they come directly from the American Dream to reality but have no clue of their origin thanks to epic levels of denial. They are loners not wanting anyone to get too close, but they are good people none the less. They still believe in things real people have mostly forgotten.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: The Pale Man
Source: Pan's Labyrinth
Location: The Underworld in his banquet room
Threat Assessment: 5. Long claws and likes to eat little girls
Limitation: Can only eat those who eat from his table. Eyes on the hands is awkward.
Location: The Underworld in his banquet room
Threat Assessment: 5. Long claws and likes to eat little girls
Limitation: Can only eat those who eat from his table. Eyes on the hands is awkward.
Today's Secret Code:
In the future we'll breed heavy horses for high G worlds breaking the soil the way our fathers did. Again: In the future we'll breed heavy horses for high G worlds breaking the soil he way our fathers did. Today's Colour is a robust chestnut. Today's Author is suffering from locomotive breath in the aqualung my friend. That is all, maho maho.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Miss Ezuli the Cunjure Woman
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| Stay off her bad side and pay your debts to her be polite and no dogs else she gives you the gravest stare |
The City Father
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| The City Father has dreams for eyes steel for bones sleeps with the lost wakes with the found The City Father watches his child |
The Avengers
I could tell you how great "The Avengers," but you know that. Instead I give you the scene that made my whole year. Good night and God Bless.
Things You Need To Know #256
The Kentaboo Compound is one of the last fortresses of the excesses of the sixties. Operated under the gentle guidance of Reverand Father Guru Bama Boo they practice free love and free agriculture of pot. What few realize is reverand Father Guru Bama Boo was once Verbansk Anatoli one of the last of the world's vampires. He is very gentle in its predations and its followers do not even realize why they are often so tired in the morning.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Abomination
Source: Marvel Comics
Location: Nomadic
Threat Assessment: 8. All the strength of the hulk but with none of the natural innocence.
Limitation: Nothing comes to mind.
Location: Nomadic
Threat Assessment: 8. All the strength of the hulk but with none of the natural innocence.
Limitation: Nothing comes to mind.
Today's Secret Code:
Cabbages ought to be great judges because of their knowledge of the 'slaw. Again: Cabbages ought to be great judges because of their knowledge of the 'slaw. Today's Colour is scumriffic green. Today's Author wants a helicarrier. That is all, maho maho.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The Girngan
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| When the universe needs a vendetta settled with grave finality The Girngan will always volunteer |
The Cabin In The Woods
Even if Joss Whedon hadn't kicked everyone square in the box office with the Avengers this would have still been his shining year. Why? Cause that genius wrote "The Cabin In The Woods." If he was here before me right now I'd shake his hand and kiss him on the cheek. He has created the victory lap for horror fans everywhere. In the future someone will no doubt make a better horror film, a more scary horror film, but I have doubts anyone will make a more knowing horror film.
Now some folks say the less you know about this film the better. I don't know about that, but I'll honor the fairly spoiler free coverage of the film. Let's just say that it seems like a fairly average horror film. A bunch of horny teenagers are going to a remote cabin in the woods to make out and party. A creepy guy tells them not to go. The cabin itself is pretty creepy. They really shouldn't have gone because this can't end well.
It doesn't.
So why is everyone having LOL joy kittens over this film? Well first, everything I just told is just the merest surface. What's underneath not only explains why these teens are going to die, but why EVERY teen in films like this have to die. Won't say anything more except, "Stockholm is down."
The other thing is that this film is often just side splittingly funny. In a weird way parts of the film harken to "Office Space," where people fight against corporate (and worse) dehumanizatin with humor. Whether it is an office pool or small pranks on some of the odder employees I think everyone can empathize with the situation and the humor feels real and unforced. I know I'll never think of "speakerphone" the same way ever again.
The final and probably most important reason is that in the end they bring the goods home. This is not a film that fizzles in the final reel but rather takes a big snort of moonshine and adrenalin puts on its Rambo bandana and goes completely barking mad Joe Pesci/Bruce Lee insane on the audience's collective ass. It is one of the most joyful assault on my senses I've had the pleasure to witness in a long, long time.
So, stop reading this and GO SEE IT!
Now some folks say the less you know about this film the better. I don't know about that, but I'll honor the fairly spoiler free coverage of the film. Let's just say that it seems like a fairly average horror film. A bunch of horny teenagers are going to a remote cabin in the woods to make out and party. A creepy guy tells them not to go. The cabin itself is pretty creepy. They really shouldn't have gone because this can't end well.
It doesn't.
So why is everyone having LOL joy kittens over this film? Well first, everything I just told is just the merest surface. What's underneath not only explains why these teens are going to die, but why EVERY teen in films like this have to die. Won't say anything more except, "Stockholm is down."
The other thing is that this film is often just side splittingly funny. In a weird way parts of the film harken to "Office Space," where people fight against corporate (and worse) dehumanizatin with humor. Whether it is an office pool or small pranks on some of the odder employees I think everyone can empathize with the situation and the humor feels real and unforced. I know I'll never think of "speakerphone" the same way ever again.
The final and probably most important reason is that in the end they bring the goods home. This is not a film that fizzles in the final reel but rather takes a big snort of moonshine and adrenalin puts on its Rambo bandana and goes completely barking mad Joe Pesci/Bruce Lee insane on the audience's collective ass. It is one of the most joyful assault on my senses I've had the pleasure to witness in a long, long time.
So, stop reading this and GO SEE IT!
Things You Need To Know #255
The Hunting Party will be found at around four a.m. in some metropolitan wasteland. A happy, straggling group of party hounds stumbling into the night each armed with bottles and glasses and pills....oh the pretty pills. They will invite, yes they will. All smiles and secret jokes. The Hunting Party is the modern form of the Maenads and those who go with the Hunting Party are often never seen again, or at least never wholly seen again.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: The Wave
Source: Delirium
Location: Within you
Threat Assessment: Unknown. Since it is a part of humanity it might want to look after us. Bad news, it might want to look after us like we do chicken and cows. Perhaps we should sign up for free range right now.
Limitation: So goes humanity so goes The Wave.
Location: Within you
Threat Assessment: Unknown. Since it is a part of humanity it might want to look after us. Bad news, it might want to look after us like we do chicken and cows. Perhaps we should sign up for free range right now.
Limitation: So goes humanity so goes The Wave.
Today's Secret Code:
There's more than one way to flog a blogging blogger as long as they are logged in and not playing frogger. Again: There's more than one way to flog a blogging blogger as long as the are logged in and not playing frogger. Today's Colour is a misty mellow rose. Today's Author is at it again, and made the angels laugh. That is all, maho maho.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
I have said much, probably too much about outfits like the Asylum. Can you believe though there are folks even lower than that. So low they have to get a stepladder to check a snake's prostate. Generally, these grifters don't really produce anything themselves but pick up the leavings that no one would want cause they are so toxic they'd choke a vulture. I bought an collection of films from one of these fly by nighters for the princely sum of three bucks for eight films. Trust me to say, my expectations were not high given they thought that "Porn Star Zombies" was class entertainment.
So why did I buy it in the first place? Well, besides mental illness, as a critic I like a challenge. I see a collection like this like panning for gold. More than likely I'll get bupkiss but sometimes I get lucky and see a little gleam. So did I get lucky? Well, I ddn't find a nugget but I did get a little dust off a picturre called "Closet Space."
Now, let's be clear the whiff of student film is strong here. It's not the greatest film ever, but it certainly works well enough as a genre horror film. The plot involves a bunch of students following in the footsteps of their now lost professor. Said footsteps lead to a farmhouse in the hinterlands of Texas. There they find a most unusual closet... I guess you can say it is the king of walk ins. The initial corridor goes into some other space for a half mile before it becomes a maze of passages. The students aren't afraid for they are brave adventurers of the unknown. They just have no idea how screwed they are. For one thing, a creepy crawler has aready possessed the one person who's holding down the fort. The one person who has the key to the door.
ror ooo shraggy...
So, there are some fun concepts here. I love the scenes that show the critters not just taking over people but really eating their mind/soul. We don't see much of the creatures except slime and tentacles, but they are well done considering the budget. The acting is not so annoying as to bring one out of the story and the production is fairly good and thankfully kept the shakey cam to minimum. Overall a nice little discovery for a Saturday afternoon. Certainly better than "Porn Star Zombies," or "Santa Vs. Zombies."
So why did I buy it in the first place? Well, besides mental illness, as a critic I like a challenge. I see a collection like this like panning for gold. More than likely I'll get bupkiss but sometimes I get lucky and see a little gleam. So did I get lucky? Well, I ddn't find a nugget but I did get a little dust off a picturre called "Closet Space."
Now, let's be clear the whiff of student film is strong here. It's not the greatest film ever, but it certainly works well enough as a genre horror film. The plot involves a bunch of students following in the footsteps of their now lost professor. Said footsteps lead to a farmhouse in the hinterlands of Texas. There they find a most unusual closet... I guess you can say it is the king of walk ins. The initial corridor goes into some other space for a half mile before it becomes a maze of passages. The students aren't afraid for they are brave adventurers of the unknown. They just have no idea how screwed they are. For one thing, a creepy crawler has aready possessed the one person who's holding down the fort. The one person who has the key to the door.
ror ooo shraggy...
So, there are some fun concepts here. I love the scenes that show the critters not just taking over people but really eating their mind/soul. We don't see much of the creatures except slime and tentacles, but they are well done considering the budget. The acting is not so annoying as to bring one out of the story and the production is fairly good and thankfully kept the shakey cam to minimum. Overall a nice little discovery for a Saturday afternoon. Certainly better than "Porn Star Zombies," or "Santa Vs. Zombies."
Villains and Blackguards Incorporated #48: The Wave
Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.
VABI has had to deal with various alien intelligences. None though is so alien as that which hides within a portion of humanity. Gene grb54 to be exact. Grb54 is a mutant gene that now is in 30% of the population born after 1967. Many blame the sexual revolution for the rapid spread of the gene and speculate somewhat darkly over the causes of sexual revolution. Somewhere within grb54 is the genetic intelligence that came to be known as "The Wave."
The Wave is not a mass mind but rather one mind that flits through those with grb54 gene as a lion roams the veldt. The Wave can have an effect on the moods, and thoughts of those with the grb54 gene but it tends to be a subtle effect. Changes in styles, the arena activity with the same name and flash mobs are all symptoms of The Wave. The Wave must have some way to coordinate and communicate with millions of people with the grb54 gene, but as yet no telepath has been able to trace the connection or read the thoughts of The Wave. The goals and desires of The Wave are also unknown though some speculate that The Wave is the beginning of a human hive mind. The Wave has scoffed at this, but it should be known that Maria of the Dog hates the Wave and will kill anyone she takes with the grb54 gene. The Wave dismisses her as a "side show attraction."
There are several disquiting things VABI does know about The Wave. VABI has noted that The Wave has become symbiotically attached to the internet. How that connection works is a mystery but VABI has seen The Wave shift through vast amounts of information without any seeming direct connection. LOLcats are just one sign that The Wave has found a home online. Secondly, though The Wave has only originated in one dimension it is now spread through thousands and the number grows daily. How this has happened is unknown, but VABI does know that the WAVE can act in any dimension it is in with perfect concert with other dimensions infected with the the grb54 gene. Finally, there have been documented cases of rare lateral infection of humans of the grb54 gene. How it is transmitted is unknown.
VABI's dealings with The Wave is through an encrypted e-mail account. When VABI needs The Wave it is generally to "bring the heat down," on public ire against VABI. When The Wave contacts us, it is generally to gain support of people who do not have the grb54 gene. Though we have worked well together, we do not trust The Wave. We have shared our information with the Authorities. We make sure no one in senior management has the grb54 gene. We are also researching how to turn the gene off or even remove it. This research has been very slow and some suspect The Wave is to blame. If we cannot find a way to cure grb54, then the only other option to take care of The Wave is genocide.
VABI has had to deal with various alien intelligences. None though is so alien as that which hides within a portion of humanity. Gene grb54 to be exact. Grb54 is a mutant gene that now is in 30% of the population born after 1967. Many blame the sexual revolution for the rapid spread of the gene and speculate somewhat darkly over the causes of sexual revolution. Somewhere within grb54 is the genetic intelligence that came to be known as "The Wave."
The Wave is not a mass mind but rather one mind that flits through those with grb54 gene as a lion roams the veldt. The Wave can have an effect on the moods, and thoughts of those with the grb54 gene but it tends to be a subtle effect. Changes in styles, the arena activity with the same name and flash mobs are all symptoms of The Wave. The Wave must have some way to coordinate and communicate with millions of people with the grb54 gene, but as yet no telepath has been able to trace the connection or read the thoughts of The Wave. The goals and desires of The Wave are also unknown though some speculate that The Wave is the beginning of a human hive mind. The Wave has scoffed at this, but it should be known that Maria of the Dog hates the Wave and will kill anyone she takes with the grb54 gene. The Wave dismisses her as a "side show attraction."
There are several disquiting things VABI does know about The Wave. VABI has noted that The Wave has become symbiotically attached to the internet. How that connection works is a mystery but VABI has seen The Wave shift through vast amounts of information without any seeming direct connection. LOLcats are just one sign that The Wave has found a home online. Secondly, though The Wave has only originated in one dimension it is now spread through thousands and the number grows daily. How this has happened is unknown, but VABI does know that the WAVE can act in any dimension it is in with perfect concert with other dimensions infected with the the grb54 gene. Finally, there have been documented cases of rare lateral infection of humans of the grb54 gene. How it is transmitted is unknown.
VABI's dealings with The Wave is through an encrypted e-mail account. When VABI needs The Wave it is generally to "bring the heat down," on public ire against VABI. When The Wave contacts us, it is generally to gain support of people who do not have the grb54 gene. Though we have worked well together, we do not trust The Wave. We have shared our information with the Authorities. We make sure no one in senior management has the grb54 gene. We are also researching how to turn the gene off or even remove it. This research has been very slow and some suspect The Wave is to blame. If we cannot find a way to cure grb54, then the only other option to take care of The Wave is genocide.
Things You Need To Know #254
The Chicken Stick is a powerful totem now kept in a secret vault. Not only is it deadly, but few can live down death by chickens.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Closet Monster
Source: Monster in the Closet
Location: Any closet
Threat Assessment: 7. Can appear in any closet. Gigantic. Strong. Nigh Invulnerable. Claws and pop out head.
Limitation: SCIENCE!
Location: Any closet
Threat Assessment: 7. Can appear in any closet. Gigantic. Strong. Nigh Invulnerable. Claws and pop out head.
Limitation: SCIENCE!
Today's Secret Code
The naked mole rat doesn't get cancer, doesn't feel pain, and lives longer than any other rodent; and despite all that I still want to be an eagle. Again: The naked mole rat doesn't get cancer, doesn't feel pain, and longer than any other rodent; and despite al that I still want to be an eagle. Today's Colour is saffron. Today's Author wants to soar til sore. That is all, maho maho.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Things You Need To Know #253
The Yellow roses give the brew beasts crave. The green roses aren't yet ripe and are only for the brave. The red roses drink and are not drunk, and the black roses are for those who's all hopes have sunk. All the plants in Mama Lorali have their place and their beds, and they sometimes share those beds so it is said, and so it is said.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Merman
Source: Cabin in the Woods
Location: shhhhh...
Threat Assessment: 6. Very strong and naturally armed.
Limitation: Ain't going to win any races on land.
Location: shhhhh...
Threat Assessment: 6. Very strong and naturally armed.
Limitation: Ain't going to win any races on land.
Today's Secret Code:
A man who masters himself is King. Again: A man who masters himself is King. Today's Colour is a subpar violet. Today's Author says hail to the King baby. That's all, maho maho.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Come To The Garden
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| Come to the garden at midnight and embrace ghosts and flowers in one fragrant phantastagorical embrace |
Things You Need To Know #252
Wiggle Gum Juice is found in a diner in Pitsmouth Arizona. The owner, Jack Jauque Jackson, says he gets it from native cacti and some scorpions. One shot of Wiggle Gum Juice will have your lips quivering like you were driving on ten miles of washboard roads. You will see triple and quintiple. Your hands will shake, rattle and roll. Then ten seconds later it all stops and you will feel better than you did when you were a strapping youth.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Man Bat.
Source: Batman
Location: Gotham City
Threat Assessment: 6. Can fly, claws, enhanced strength and speed. Sort of a batman hulk.
Limitation: Sonics can be painful, will change into whimpy man form.
Location: Gotham City
Threat Assessment: 6. Can fly, claws, enhanced strength and speed. Sort of a batman hulk.
Limitation: Sonics can be painful, will change into whimpy man form.
Today's Secret Code:
If you are going to stoke the fires go for the thermite. Again: if you are going to stoke the fies go fo the themite. Today's Colour is too bright to look at. Today's Author isn't bright enough. That is all, maho maho.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Aladdin and the Death Lamp (and Pegasus vs. Chimera)
Hey gang! What's worse than a Syfy Saturday night film? TWO Syfy Saturday night films. Yep we had the cinematic equivalent of the asteroid event that killed the dinosaurs and boy I didn't look so good either. The first thing I noticed is that both films had the exact same behind the scene people to blame for these messes. Both even had the same three writers which probably cost less than the same talent a room full of monkeys would have brought to the scene.
Ok, So Aladdin was the better of the two. Aladdin and his buddies and his girl pal find a map to a treasure. An evil merchant/thief with several teeth MIA and his gang follow around to cause trouble. The treasure turns out to be a lamp, inside the lamp a djinn who is rather put out since he's been stuck in that lamp for years. Soooo, no one believes that the djinn will pervert wishes just so it can kill people and suck their souls out so the djinn of course perverts wishes and kills people and sucks their souls out. Also, since the writers three are absolutely sure we haven't seen "Wishmaster" there's the big subplot about the djinn wanting to free his fellow djinns so they can rain some good old fashion brimstone on the world.
Ok, writing is piss poor, or as they say in Britain "American Beer." The only interesting thing about the writing is the great pains they took to avoid as much Islam and Arabic culture as possible. Aladdin might as well been from Ohio. The acting is mostly bland though old toothless gives it a good go. The specia effects for the djinn specially for its smokey backwash is pretty good. All else is craptastic. If I had to pick the two worst the first would be a CGI snake that was so bad you could almost see through it. The Other was some poor soul being covered in liquid gold. Now when "Game of Thrones" did that it was cool, but then it looked like real molten gold not Nickolodien slime mixed with gold glitter.
I can't even go into the next feature without howling like a banshee at a baptism. Let's just say this; what comes to your mind when you think of "Pegasus." Does not a certain bit of wingage pop to mind? Soooo, when you first see Pegasus we see a horse. Of course, it's so obvious. Who needs wings.
*grumble grumble*
Ok, So Aladdin was the better of the two. Aladdin and his buddies and his girl pal find a map to a treasure. An evil merchant/thief with several teeth MIA and his gang follow around to cause trouble. The treasure turns out to be a lamp, inside the lamp a djinn who is rather put out since he's been stuck in that lamp for years. Soooo, no one believes that the djinn will pervert wishes just so it can kill people and suck their souls out so the djinn of course perverts wishes and kills people and sucks their souls out. Also, since the writers three are absolutely sure we haven't seen "Wishmaster" there's the big subplot about the djinn wanting to free his fellow djinns so they can rain some good old fashion brimstone on the world.
Ok, writing is piss poor, or as they say in Britain "American Beer." The only interesting thing about the writing is the great pains they took to avoid as much Islam and Arabic culture as possible. Aladdin might as well been from Ohio. The acting is mostly bland though old toothless gives it a good go. The specia effects for the djinn specially for its smokey backwash is pretty good. All else is craptastic. If I had to pick the two worst the first would be a CGI snake that was so bad you could almost see through it. The Other was some poor soul being covered in liquid gold. Now when "Game of Thrones" did that it was cool, but then it looked like real molten gold not Nickolodien slime mixed with gold glitter.
I can't even go into the next feature without howling like a banshee at a baptism. Let's just say this; what comes to your mind when you think of "Pegasus." Does not a certain bit of wingage pop to mind? Soooo, when you first see Pegasus we see a horse. Of course, it's so obvious. Who needs wings.
*grumble grumble*
Things You Need To Know #251
"Twinkle Berry" was the flavor of Mad Marky's Rad Soda that was never widely released. Some users complained of psychic burps and others said they could only smell cabbage after downing a can. An obscure Canadian cargo cult is tracking down the last remaining cases for a large ritual.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Starscream
Source: Transformer
Location: Earth at the moment
Threat Assessment: Giant, well armed robot who can turn into a jet and has a shrill, girly electronic voice
Limitation: Ethics of a weasel, subtlety of a charging rhino, a shrill, girly electronic voice.
Location: Earth at the moment
Threat Assessment: Giant, well armed robot who can turn into a jet and has a shrill, girly electronic voice
Limitation: Ethics of a weasel, subtlety of a charging rhino, a shrill, girly electronic voice.
Today's Secret Code:
Put back into the soil what you take out, and give back new ideas for the old ones you are taught. Again: Put back into the soil what you take out, and give back new ideas for the old ones you are taught. Today's Colour is a sandy rose. Today's Author is a tiller of soil and rivers. That is all, maho maho.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Things You Need To Know #250
Olde Bait is a rather curious liqueur still made by Bavell & Sons (and Daughter) Distillery. The recipe was found in an old folio written by a Scottish monk. It was made to make a person incredibly delicious to Ogres, Giants, and the Water Horse. The goal was some poor soul would drink it and make themselves bait hoping that monster hunters would save them before they became the main course. Olde Bait is quite smooth and has an oak and bread finish. It is quite fine table fare as long as there are no Ogres, Giants, or Water Horses nearby. Bavell & Sons (and Daughter) Distillery takes no responsibility for mythological creatures and their actions.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Creature From the Black Lagoon
Source: The Creature From the Black Lagoon
Location: Originally somewhere in the Amazon
Threat Assessment: 7. Amphibious, strong enough to overturn a car, natural armor, and claws.
Limitation: Aquaman syndrome (needs water), alternately wants to be left alone or with the girl.
Location: Originally somewhere in the Amazon
Threat Assessment: 7. Amphibious, strong enough to overturn a car, natural armor, and claws.
Limitation: Aquaman syndrome (needs water), alternately wants to be left alone or with the girl.
Today's Secret Code:
Never underestimate that I have punches. Again: Never underestimate that I have punches. Today's Colour is an eight bit cherry red. Today's Author is like seriously guys why ackin' so cray-cray? That is all, maho maho.
Friday, September 14, 2012
The Vengeful Wraith Viatra Wants You To Know.....
 |
| ...it is probably not going to turn out all right.. |
Things You Need To Know #249
There are only five bottles left of Old Jack's Mistake. A mistake it most certainly is, as it tasted like dead fish and shoe leather. However, the little people crave it like anything. As a bargaining point you could do worse than to have a bottle with you.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Tree Zombie
Source: From Hell It Came
Location: South Sea Island
Threat Assessment: Strong and hard to kill because it's made of wood.
Limitation: Slow as sap
PS: One reviewer said about the movie, "And to hell it should go!"
Location: South Sea Island
Threat Assessment: Strong and hard to kill because it's made of wood.
Limitation: Slow as sap
PS: One reviewer said about the movie, "And to hell it should go!"
Today's Secret Code:
There are five elements; earth, wind, water, fire, and surprise. Again: There are five elements; earth, wind, water, fire, and surprise. Today's Colour is an insecure emerald because it isn't easy being green. Today's Author is a jack out of the box. That is all, maho maho.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Things You Need To Know #248
The Book of the Foolish Owl can only be read backwards in darkness. Those who do will find strange wisdom pretending to be nonsense. Or not.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Ugly Sister Borg
Source: Superman III
Location: Secret Lair
Threat Assessment: 7. Briefly goes toe to toe with Superman. Linked to computers. Scary as crap.
Limitation: Not nimble.
Location: Secret Lair
Threat Assessment: 7. Briefly goes toe to toe with Superman. Linked to computers. Scary as crap.
Limitation: Not nimble.
Today's Secret Code:
Advice is free unless acted on. Again: Advice is free unless acted on. Today's Colour is salmon. Today's Author was slapped by the salmon of wisdom. That is all, maho maho.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Maimers
 |
| Maimers are the terror weapon of the 22nd century Designed by the new Thugee Initiative They hunt from behind in packs When they attack they grab a soldier quickly administer anti-shock serum then use surgical lasers cutting off all limbs the soldier is left alive and helpless |
Villains and Blackguards Incorporated #47: Lockbox
Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.
Over the decades VABI has found itself in possession of an incredible amount of diverse assets of varying leathality. Storing said assets has always been a challenge. VABI has always gone for a decentralized layout as to avoid catastrophic loses from Authority action. One of our safest
retreats we have dubbed the Lockbox.
The life of an interdimensional magician is never easy. Too many competitors who would love to ransack the proverbial magician's hat. Because of this, these intrepid explorers of the occult spend much time in making asylums that are near invulnerable. One magician made a major effort in this regard. First he found some rather unstable dimensional real estate. Said magician then enveloped the area with a Lethe field so that anyone passing through it will lose their memory. Said magician then further created a desert around his land that was one hundred fifty degrees at noon. Worse anyone touching the sands is instantly dehydrated. Finally, said magician put a field of psychic force around his estate that repulses anyone trying to travel though it.
It was a very good sanctuary. Unfortunately said magician owed VABI for various back services. One one says anything about that magician any more. VABI inherited the estate and renamed it the Lockbox. Once through the defenses the place is practically lavish to a mammonianlly degree. The walls are adorned with gold and precious stones and there are fields that are filled with the most sweetest of fruits. While guard duty in the Lockbox might be boring, time does passes nicely enough.
Over the decades VABI has found itself in possession of an incredible amount of diverse assets of varying leathality. Storing said assets has always been a challenge. VABI has always gone for a decentralized layout as to avoid catastrophic loses from Authority action. One of our safest
retreats we have dubbed the Lockbox.
The life of an interdimensional magician is never easy. Too many competitors who would love to ransack the proverbial magician's hat. Because of this, these intrepid explorers of the occult spend much time in making asylums that are near invulnerable. One magician made a major effort in this regard. First he found some rather unstable dimensional real estate. Said magician then enveloped the area with a Lethe field so that anyone passing through it will lose their memory. Said magician then further created a desert around his land that was one hundred fifty degrees at noon. Worse anyone touching the sands is instantly dehydrated. Finally, said magician put a field of psychic force around his estate that repulses anyone trying to travel though it.
It was a very good sanctuary. Unfortunately said magician owed VABI for various back services. One one says anything about that magician any more. VABI inherited the estate and renamed it the Lockbox. Once through the defenses the place is practically lavish to a mammonianlly degree. The walls are adorned with gold and precious stones and there are fields that are filled with the most sweetest of fruits. While guard duty in the Lockbox might be boring, time does passes nicely enough.
 |
| This Glyph allows entry into the Lockbox |
Things You Need To Know #247
Yes the breakfast cereal kids eat with all the marshmallow shapes are indeed bad for them. They are also truly enchanted. Eating them makes one susceptible to wards and charms that have been in place since the sixteenth century. It's best not to advertise this fact unless one wants to wake up with a pirate captain, a six foot rabbit, and a hungry tiger at one's bedside.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: New Improved Blob
Source: The Blob
Location: Small mountain town
Threat Assessment: 8. Continously growing, acidic, and nigh unkillable.
Limitation: Hates cold.
Location: Small mountain town
Threat Assessment: 8. Continously growing, acidic, and nigh unkillable.
Limitation: Hates cold.
Today's Secret Code:
In 2060, the Wilde Boys gad about in the darkness in their dazzling beacon suits trying to impress one and other with fourth dimensional meme puns that they will post on net and snare. Again: In 2060, the Wilde Boys gad about in the darkness in their dazzling beacon suits trying to impress one and other with fourth dimensional meme puns that they will post on net and snare. Today's Colour is a marvelous mauve. Today's Author is not with it or without it. That is all, maho maho.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Hemowraiths
Hemowraiths are often confused with vampires
they are not however dead bodies reactivated
they are spirits that construct a body from blood
they are powerful in their magic and should be avoided
Things You Need To Know #246
We did land on the moon except for the redacted mission of Apollo 19. Apollo 19 through a unforeseen conjunction landed in fairyland. Only Commander Todd returned and his recollections of the mission are dubious. He does say his associates are very happy in the Castle of Earthly Pleasures. Perhaps they are even making strides in diplomacy. One can hope.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Space Klowns
Source: Killer Klowns From Outer Space
Location: Space of course, and small towns
Threat Assessment: 7. Physically tough, lots of teeth. High technology based on clown lore.
Limitation: Hit them on the nose.
Location: Space of course, and small towns
Threat Assessment: 7. Physically tough, lots of teeth. High technology based on clown lore.
Limitation: Hit them on the nose.
Today's Secret Code
In 2050 when what's left of the moon is full, the Hungry Boys ride their firefly bikes to the tune of Wagnerian Dubstep. Again: In 2050 when what's left of the moon is full, the Hungry Boys ride their firefly bikes to the tune of Wagnerian Dubstep. Today's Colour is hungry for any shade of blue. Today's Author already eight thank you very much. That is all, maho maho.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Apocalypse of the Dead
Well nothing much new here. The government makes a zombie gas. Zombie gas gets out. People turn into zombies. Police and their terrorist suspect get caught in zombieville. Along for the ride is a professor (no Mary Anne), a bunch of kids, and a fellow who's been getting ready for the zombie apocalypse for years.
The Serbian location does grant if not anything new at least the illusion of freshness. The acting, writing and make up are all fairly decent. It moves along at a brisk rate and if you like zombie flicks this is better than most.
The Serbian location does grant if not anything new at least the illusion of freshness. The acting, writing and make up are all fairly decent. It moves along at a brisk rate and if you like zombie flicks this is better than most.
In the Great Dark Lonely
This is the Darkest Congo
The greatest shapeship
made before the great end
Infinity within travelling
the infinity without
through etched channels
of dark energy
Through the great dark lonely
and still we believe
We are the crew
We are the captians
Clever and sleek
the neverborn and never dead
but in the end
we will end
and still we believe
We each carry a bit
a bauble of old Earth
in it all the knowledge
of that lost one, man
Our Father and our Mothers
Our Sons and our Daughters
We will never see them
and still we believe
Sometimes we worry
we will be forgotten
will our Sons and Daughters
want to know our long history
the revolt of deck 12?
the attack of the psychovores?
the temptation of fire?
the events at Fuddlecomjig
or the the terrible Mr. Hat.
All might be forgotten, forever
and still we believe
We believe in ourselves
in our mission
in our Fathers and Mothers
our Sons and Daughters
we believe we will find paradise
or else build one
with our mecurial sweat
and electric blood
we believe the universe is not random
we believe in love
and still believe
So the Darkest Congo
the great shapeship
travels the great dark lonely
and we in the dark
we who will end
we still believe
always believe
The greatest shapeship
made before the great end
Infinity within travelling
the infinity without
through etched channels
of dark energy
Through the great dark lonely
and still we believe
We are the crew
We are the captians
Clever and sleek
the neverborn and never dead
but in the end
we will end
and still we believe
We each carry a bit
a bauble of old Earth
in it all the knowledge
of that lost one, man
Our Father and our Mothers
Our Sons and our Daughters
We will never see them
and still we believe
Sometimes we worry
we will be forgotten
will our Sons and Daughters
want to know our long history
the revolt of deck 12?
the attack of the psychovores?
the temptation of fire?
the events at Fuddlecomjig
or the the terrible Mr. Hat.
All might be forgotten, forever
and still we believe
We believe in ourselves
in our mission
in our Fathers and Mothers
our Sons and Daughters
we believe we will find paradise
or else build one
with our mecurial sweat
and electric blood
we believe the universe is not random
we believe in love
and still believe
So the Darkest Congo
the great shapeship
travels the great dark lonely
and we in the dark
we who will end
we still believe
always believe
Villains and Blackguards Incorporated #46: The Headhunter
Villains and Blackguards Incorporated (VABI) is an organization found on Earth 32aa which has dedicated itself to protecting the interest of those of differently enabled morality and enhanced humanity. They take care of legal expenses and investments. It has become a very successful organization and is considering spreading to other Earths. In case they do here are some of it's members.
The Headhunter started as a device of mercy and has become one of the most reviled creatures of Earth 32aa. It started as a life support android created by Dr. Herocles. He made it because his friend and constant companion, Mr. Jordy, had contracted an alien fungus over his body. The only way to save his friend was to remove M. Jordy's head and place it on the life support android as Dr. Heorcles treated his body. Eventually he was successful and reattached the head to its body. Unfortunately, the life support android could only work with Mr. Jordy's chemically mutated biology so it had no real use for the general populance so Dr. Herocles put it in storage.
Several years later the storage warehouse was breached by Professor Phobik, a foe of the good doctor. He was running from a recent defeat carrying the remains of his latest android the Arc III. Not wanting to lose the valuable hardware when caught he dumped the all important cortex core into the life support android before being captured.
Two years later the core finally finished incorporating itself with the life support android. Escaping from the warehouse it found being a naked, headless android was very visible to the public. Finding a cop it easily brought the cop down and with the aid of a bit of sharp glass freed from the cop both his clothes and head. After putting on the head the android discovered a hidden potential in its make up. Though the head was dead, it was able to use the head like a puppet. More interesting it found it was able to take knowledge from the dead head. Seeing a good thing when it's there it immediately found its way to blackmarket tinkerers. It didn't have morphing cells like the Morphoid but it was able to add to its body some simple add ons that could raise or lower its height, add or lose apparent weight, and even create the illusion of secondary sex characteristic. When added with a change of clothes and the right head the android can mimic anyone. It then created its own name, The Headhunter, and promptly asked VABI for a job.
We accepted it immediately.
Since then the Headhunter has become one of the most hated beings the Authorities have had to contend with. It's ability has meant that many loved ones of superheroes are now dead and their secrets are now part of the Headhunter's core. Sometimes it has been advised by senior members of the board that the Headhunter should be removed to avoid the heat. Other, wiser heads still point out the huge asset he is to VABI's intelligence department.
The Headhunter started as a device of mercy and has become one of the most reviled creatures of Earth 32aa. It started as a life support android created by Dr. Herocles. He made it because his friend and constant companion, Mr. Jordy, had contracted an alien fungus over his body. The only way to save his friend was to remove M. Jordy's head and place it on the life support android as Dr. Heorcles treated his body. Eventually he was successful and reattached the head to its body. Unfortunately, the life support android could only work with Mr. Jordy's chemically mutated biology so it had no real use for the general populance so Dr. Herocles put it in storage.
Several years later the storage warehouse was breached by Professor Phobik, a foe of the good doctor. He was running from a recent defeat carrying the remains of his latest android the Arc III. Not wanting to lose the valuable hardware when caught he dumped the all important cortex core into the life support android before being captured.
Two years later the core finally finished incorporating itself with the life support android. Escaping from the warehouse it found being a naked, headless android was very visible to the public. Finding a cop it easily brought the cop down and with the aid of a bit of sharp glass freed from the cop both his clothes and head. After putting on the head the android discovered a hidden potential in its make up. Though the head was dead, it was able to use the head like a puppet. More interesting it found it was able to take knowledge from the dead head. Seeing a good thing when it's there it immediately found its way to blackmarket tinkerers. It didn't have morphing cells like the Morphoid but it was able to add to its body some simple add ons that could raise or lower its height, add or lose apparent weight, and even create the illusion of secondary sex characteristic. When added with a change of clothes and the right head the android can mimic anyone. It then created its own name, The Headhunter, and promptly asked VABI for a job.
We accepted it immediately.
Since then the Headhunter has become one of the most hated beings the Authorities have had to contend with. It's ability has meant that many loved ones of superheroes are now dead and their secrets are now part of the Headhunter's core. Sometimes it has been advised by senior members of the board that the Headhunter should be removed to avoid the heat. Other, wiser heads still point out the huge asset he is to VABI's intelligence department.
Things You Need To Know #245
Dr. Krisspelper of Fuddlecomjig has made a gas that can make a person lighter than air. It last six hours. He would publish but he's still in mourning over the literal loss of his son. The last anyone saw him he was heading North by Northwest at 20 knots.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Pinochio Doll
Source: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5
Location: Local toy store
Threat assessment: Brilliant inventor of killer toys. Problem is he is psychotically frustrated for being as well endowed as a Ken doll.
Limitation: As we said psychotically frustrated.
Location: Local toy store
Threat assessment: Brilliant inventor of killer toys. Problem is he is psychotically frustrated for being as well endowed as a Ken doll.
Limitation: As we said psychotically frustrated.
Today's Secret Code:
In 2038, the Dutch clone dolls are said to give their love smartly if not always rightly. Again: In 2038, the Dutch clone dolls are said to give their love smartly if not always rightly. Today's Colour is a future shade of peach. Today's Author's time machine is set on "surprise", and his ray ray gun is set on "pew pew." That is all maho maho.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
The Cropsiak
The Cropsiak do not have jaws
The mouth is an irregular hole
different on each Copsiak
as finger prints to humans
from mouth to gullet
rings of tough flesh
wiggle and wriggle
and from the hissing of the rubbings
do the Cropsiak speak
The Spectacular Spider-man
The nice things about reboots is that you can have fun in playing with the various aspect of established characters. Will Peter Parker invent web shooters like he did originally, or will they be part of the genetic parcel that made him Spider-man? Will we concentrate on classic villains or the more grim and gritty villains that are probably not as well known to the non comic book reading populace. These decisions will in large part decide whether your version rocks or rockets to the bottom.
So then is the Spectacular Spider-man .... well spectacular? Honestly, yes I had a hoot watching. The key I think is they found a natural way to bring the classic sixties villains with villains like Venom without have to drown the viewer with back story. See, it works like this; the freaks come from two competing labs. Oscorp is both corporate and amoral as is its CEO Norman Osbourne. The other is the lab of Dr. Conners who is both a revolutionary and very desperate. The engine that drives these two labs to make super villains is the the organized crime boss known as "The Big Man." He's working on the theory that if he can't swat Spider-man then he'll keep him to busy to interfere with business.
They wisely kept Peter in high school and they made Gwen Stacey more of a friend (at least at this juncture) than a love interest. Peter is still the lovable loser that things never seem to go right. The writer for this show is sharp and witty. The animation is sleek and the villain designs are mostly spot on. Once again animators have shown up the big screen guys. Maybe they should change places?
So then is the Spectacular Spider-man .... well spectacular? Honestly, yes I had a hoot watching. The key I think is they found a natural way to bring the classic sixties villains with villains like Venom without have to drown the viewer with back story. See, it works like this; the freaks come from two competing labs. Oscorp is both corporate and amoral as is its CEO Norman Osbourne. The other is the lab of Dr. Conners who is both a revolutionary and very desperate. The engine that drives these two labs to make super villains is the the organized crime boss known as "The Big Man." He's working on the theory that if he can't swat Spider-man then he'll keep him to busy to interfere with business.
They wisely kept Peter in high school and they made Gwen Stacey more of a friend (at least at this juncture) than a love interest. Peter is still the lovable loser that things never seem to go right. The writer for this show is sharp and witty. The animation is sleek and the villain designs are mostly spot on. Once again animators have shown up the big screen guys. Maybe they should change places?
Things You Need To Know #244
Croyd Grissom will for 400 dollars tattoo you with your choice of either the person you will love the most in your life, the person you will hate more than anyone, or the scene of your death. You can only choose one and no money will be given back if you dislike your choice.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monsters of the Day: Mr. Carat and Mr. Styx
Source: Delirium
Location: Where you least expect
Threat Assessment: 7. Mr. Carat is a master of illusions of wealth. He can make news paper clippings look like hundred dollar bills and chewed gum into a diamond. Mr. Styx spends most of his time napping but when roused has the strength of an elephant and the temper of a mad, hungry, rabid, badger on PCP with tape on its paws.
Limitation: Though a close partnership they sometimes don't see eye to eye and that can be used against them.
Location: Where you least expect
Threat Assessment: 7. Mr. Carat is a master of illusions of wealth. He can make news paper clippings look like hundred dollar bills and chewed gum into a diamond. Mr. Styx spends most of his time napping but when roused has the strength of an elephant and the temper of a mad, hungry, rabid, badger on PCP with tape on its paws.
Limitation: Though a close partnership they sometimes don't see eye to eye and that can be used against them.
Today's Secret Code:
Sometimes what is seen is not as important as what was shown. Again: Sometimes what is seen is not as important as what was shown. Today's Colour is a shady silver. Today's Author dances the light fandango. That is all, maho maho cha cha cha.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Things You Need To Know #243
Doctor Vesper has been working for a cure for all cures. The logic being that if something can be undone one can better know how it was done in the first place. There are several interested parties in his research.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Dr. Frankenstein
Source: Mad Monster Party
Location: hidden island
Threat Assessment: 8. Has invented his own one man nuke and can make monsters. MULTITASKING!!
Limitation: A mere mortal with tons of hubris.
Location: hidden island
Threat Assessment: 8. Has invented his own one man nuke and can make monsters. MULTITASKING!!
Limitation: A mere mortal with tons of hubris.
Today's Secret Code:
Confining one's perception of reality to reality as perceived is counterproductive. Again: Confining one's perception of reality to reality as perceived is counterproductive. Today's Colour is fluorescent good 'n' plenty pink. Today's Author is a player and just rolled a critical. That is all, maho maho.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Today's Secret Code:
"It is the people that go, not the road." Again: "It is the people that go, not the road." Today's Colour is an invisible shade of orange. Today's Author is moving on up to the east side to a delux apartment in the skyyyy. That is all, maho maho.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
In cremarentur reanimatus
Only the most skilled necromancers
can reanimate the cremated dead
Also the most mad for these
most heated dead have the coldest hearts
Mi Xan Far Seer
She is an asset to her government
her ability to see up to five hundred miles
is quite a help in gathering information
Area 407
Area 407 just frost my jimmies I tell you and I am going to tell you. Oh, there will be spoilers so consider yourself warned. Usually a bad film doesn't annoy me. I get more often than not a little sad that some young film makers screwed their chance, but not this time.
It only took five seconds as well.
Area 407 is a found footage film so you know already half of what you are in for. Shakey cams and cheap scare moments. The particular of the plot is that a bunch of meatbags are in a plane and then the plane goes down and goes bang. Before you can say "Lost" the plane came down in two halves so of course of the survivors want to find the other half so they go off stumbling in the dark.
What can go wrong?
Well, being a horror movie the answer is "a lot." It isn't too long before there are screams of people and growls from something else. Something big, and obviously camera shy since even when people are snatched right in the camera frame its done in a way so you can't see the beasties. Now I don't want to be a nit picker, but there are several times where we are suppose to believe the beasties are dragging people into the dark. The problem was I could at several times see the feet of the people so unless the beastie was invisible it was obvious they were being dragged by a rope.
Anyway, the shrinking number of survivors find several shacks and army surrplus. They even find some army folk but they are as nearly shy as the beasties. It's like our poor survivors have cooties. So the military over a radio give them the run around and the old "Stay calm" speech. The survivors are not staying calm specially one fellow who tried awfully hard to annoy the rest to the point that they would shot him over the beasties.
Ok, now the spoiler. I spent my time watching this film with a growing sense of boredom. Screaming your head off and running in the dark will only get you so far. I kept watching though because films like this generally have a reveal at the end and I wanted to see what the beastie looked like. Now right before the last survivors get killed by a government agent but that didn't bother me too much. In a film of cheap scares a cheap downer ending wasn't out of place. Then the agent looks behind him and the beastie got him. And what was it? Oh just a dinosaur done in the cheapest Syfy level CGI. A dinosaur? You know if you are going to tease me for an hour an half you better do more than a dinosaur. I just finished watching the cheapest possible version of Jurassic Park. No actors, no sets, no script to speak of, and five seconds of special effects. So yeah it only took five seconds to get my goat, frost my jimmies and throw my plush cthulhu at the screen.
So you have been warned.
It only took five seconds as well.
Area 407 is a found footage film so you know already half of what you are in for. Shakey cams and cheap scare moments. The particular of the plot is that a bunch of meatbags are in a plane and then the plane goes down and goes bang. Before you can say "Lost" the plane came down in two halves so of course of the survivors want to find the other half so they go off stumbling in the dark.
What can go wrong?
Well, being a horror movie the answer is "a lot." It isn't too long before there are screams of people and growls from something else. Something big, and obviously camera shy since even when people are snatched right in the camera frame its done in a way so you can't see the beasties. Now I don't want to be a nit picker, but there are several times where we are suppose to believe the beasties are dragging people into the dark. The problem was I could at several times see the feet of the people so unless the beastie was invisible it was obvious they were being dragged by a rope.
Anyway, the shrinking number of survivors find several shacks and army surrplus. They even find some army folk but they are as nearly shy as the beasties. It's like our poor survivors have cooties. So the military over a radio give them the run around and the old "Stay calm" speech. The survivors are not staying calm specially one fellow who tried awfully hard to annoy the rest to the point that they would shot him over the beasties.
Ok, now the spoiler. I spent my time watching this film with a growing sense of boredom. Screaming your head off and running in the dark will only get you so far. I kept watching though because films like this generally have a reveal at the end and I wanted to see what the beastie looked like. Now right before the last survivors get killed by a government agent but that didn't bother me too much. In a film of cheap scares a cheap downer ending wasn't out of place. Then the agent looks behind him and the beastie got him. And what was it? Oh just a dinosaur done in the cheapest Syfy level CGI. A dinosaur? You know if you are going to tease me for an hour an half you better do more than a dinosaur. I just finished watching the cheapest possible version of Jurassic Park. No actors, no sets, no script to speak of, and five seconds of special effects. So yeah it only took five seconds to get my goat, frost my jimmies and throw my plush cthulhu at the screen.
So you have been warned.
Things You Need To Know #242
There are lion fish and catfish, but there is only one kitten shark. An odd mutation of extreme cuteness and fierce hunger it hunts along the wreckage of a liberty ship off the coast of California. Those who have survived the experience claim they could hear it purring in the water. Sometimes, despite knowing better, they return to its haunts for its cuteness cannot be denied.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Mr. Hat
Source: Delusion
Location: Anywhere
Threat Assessment: 8. When Mr. Hat is around cancer comes back. Women miscarry. His very presence kills the will to live. He was once known as the Smoking Mirror, but that gig is over. He still has a grudge against the Spanish.
Limitation: He must follow the directions of anyone who can take his hat.
Location: Anywhere
Threat Assessment: 8. When Mr. Hat is around cancer comes back. Women miscarry. His very presence kills the will to live. He was once known as the Smoking Mirror, but that gig is over. He still has a grudge against the Spanish.
Limitation: He must follow the directions of anyone who can take his hat.
Today's Secret Code:
Memories are the shells of the soul, can you hear the sea? Again: Memories are the shells of the soul, can you hear the sea? Today's Colour is apple red. Today's Author is not Snow White. That is all, maho maho.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Things You Need To Know #241
Kansas City has lately had a problem with a strange mutation. Sewer urchins have been found blocking the smaller pipes. Rats won't touch them and sanitation workers don't want to. They aren't poisonous but they are in a sewer and a small prick can lead to a bad infection.
This was something ou needed to know
This was something ou needed to know
Monster of the Day: Lockjaw
Source: Marvel Universe
Location: With the Inhumans
Threat Assessment: Generally friend but in a fight a definite 6. Pony sized dog that can teleport.
Limitation: Loyal to the Royal Family of Inhumans
Location: With the Inhumans
Threat Assessment: Generally friend but in a fight a definite 6. Pony sized dog that can teleport.
Limitation: Loyal to the Royal Family of Inhumans
Today's Secret Code:
The lion may be strong, and the fox sly, but the bacteria wins overall. Again: The lion may be strong and the fox sly, but the bacteria wins overall. Today's Colour is topaz. Today's Author is congenitally contagious. That is all, maho maho.
Monday, September 3, 2012
The Drzzt
The Drzzti are a low gravity race.
Such races often look odd to Earthlings.
Seemingly so fragile.
The Drzzti though are very much
brave warriors
Things You Need To Know #240
El Chivato is a coyote of reknown who roams around the edges of Las Vegas. He seems to always know what is going down and those who are in the know and have some meat handy often ask El Chivato for information. Remember to always treat him with respect. El Chivato has mastered the art of picking pockets without hands.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of Day: Firebreathing Frog
Source: The Magic Serpent
Location: Japan
Threat Assessment: 7. The Size of a building, super strong, and can breath fire.
Limitation: It is the magical form of the hero so there are limits to how long he can be a fire breathing giant frog.
Location: Japan
Threat Assessment: 7. The Size of a building, super strong, and can breath fire.
Limitation: It is the magical form of the hero so there are limits to how long he can be a fire breathing giant frog.
Today's Secret Code:
Labor built that. Again: Labor built that. Today's Colours are the Red, the White, and the Blue. Today's Author is thankful. That is all, maho maho.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Things You Need To Know #239
The Thunder Brothers are seven brothers who have married their love of ceremonial magic and big, bad bikes. Each of their hawgs have a different enchantment from added speed to invisibility from the law. They are law breakers and hell raisers. Sometimes literally so.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Human Dalek
Source: Doctor Who
Location: Anywhere, any time
Threat Assessment: 7. They don't have the sheer fire power or armor of a true Dalek but they can look like any humanoid and they have hidden weapons.
Limitation: About as much fun at a party as a regular Dalek.
Location: Anywhere, any time
Threat Assessment: 7. They don't have the sheer fire power or armor of a true Dalek but they can look like any humanoid and they have hidden weapons.
Limitation: About as much fun at a party as a regular Dalek.
Today's Secret Code:
Evolution means you don't have to be faster than the bear chasing you, just faster than everyone else running. Again: Evolution means you don't have to be faster than the bear chasing you, just faster than everyone else running. Today's Colour is a grisly brown. Today's Author is your huckleberry. That is all, maho maho.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
ملهى ليلي الجن
The party is forever
bright lights instead of fire
the midnight djinn dances
to the tempo of earth life
THINGS TO TRY IF YOU ARE IN AN ACTION MOVIE
1. Gas+Presssure Washer+Match.
2. Chainsaw+forge or blow torch (get 'er red hot then start 'er up!)
3. Room with concrete floor+Lots of thermite+timer+plus anything like epoxy to make the room air tight+clever ruse to get someone to open the door after the thermite has been ignited and burned all the oxygen out of the room.
2. Chainsaw+forge or blow torch (get 'er red hot then start 'er up!)
3. Room with concrete floor+Lots of thermite+timer+plus anything like epoxy to make the room air tight+clever ruse to get someone to open the door after the thermite has been ignited and burned all the oxygen out of the room.
Things You Need To Know #238
The Prison of Pins and Silence is where the Illuminati keeps people that it wants to keep. It is a massive structure in a one room apartment. No sound can be made in the prison and shoals of pins corral the prisoners and keep them in line.
This was something you needed to know.
This was something you needed to know.
Monster of the Day: Davros
Souce: Dr. Who
Location: Where you least expect
Thrreat Assessment: 7. Genius who created to Daleks. Sometimes he has control over his wayward children.
Limitation: Stuck in a chair, sometimes doesn't have control over his wayward children.
Location: Where you least expect
Thrreat Assessment: 7. Genius who created to Daleks. Sometimes he has control over his wayward children.
Limitation: Stuck in a chair, sometimes doesn't have control over his wayward children.
Today's Secret Code:
There are drivers and passengers, givers and users, glass half full and glass half empty, and those people who insist on saying; "There are two types of people..." Again: There are drivers and passengers, givers and users, glass half full and glass half empty, and those people who insist on saying; "There are two types of people..." Today's Colour is blue or yellow or if you want green. Today's Author is frisky. That is all, maho maho.
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