Today's Secret Code:

Some say I've seen a light that never was, but it was brighter than the stars.  Some say I've seen a light that never was, but it was brighter than the stars.  Today's Colour is found in the G series.  Today's Author dreamt a dream of dreaming dreamers dream dreams that dreamt on their own.  That is all Nemo, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

Babels funem-diis Belfries advena qui orant, ut Diti cuneos innominatam rufus et fibulas ungue Jumple infrenaverunt netum in muris Callistus turres labant arduus alto adhuc.  Again:  Babels cable stranger-gods of Belfries who are praying that Pluto blocks nameless red buckles and claw spun Jumple Runes on the walls of catacombs that towers totter towering deep still.  Today's Colour is Lovecraftian and hueless.  Today's Author knows that people are strange when you are alone.  That is all Jim, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

"If there's going to be a hue and cry, make sure you know who is hue."  Again:  "If there's going to be a hue and cry, make sure you know who is hue."  Thoday's Colour ish shtraight thangerine.  Today's Author in half zen in that he met Bukowski on the the road but only bought him a drink.  That's all you people to strange to live and too rare to die, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #458

The Book of the Briar has all the secret names of plants.  To those who learn them and most importantly learn to pronounce them correctly comes great power.  They can rule over leaf and root like the Druids of old.  It is currently held by the Brotherhood of the Untilled.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Mutated astronaut

Source:  Monster A Go-Go
Location:  Someplace dark with lousy sound.
Threat Assessment:  6.   Gigantic and strong.
Limitation:  Ugly and dumb.

Today's Secret Code:

Yeah he's about as engaging as a Swiss, Emo Neutron.  Again:  Yea e's about as engaging as a Swiss, Emo Neutron.  Today's Colour is a Chili Colorado crimson.  Today's Author like a Buddhist is back for seconds.  That is all Machete, Maho Maho.

Steven Universe

Steven Universe is almost too cute for its own good.  Animated in a breezy, friendly style it is the story of Steven who happens to have a magic gem in his belly button.  Trouble is that he doesn't know how to use it yet.  Luckily he has three gem warriors to protect him.  Together they form a very likeable "family" and judging from the first adventure its going to be a fun filled romp involving monsters and ice cream sandwich rapping.

Things You Need To Know #457

The Purgatory Bar and Grill offers neither drink nor food.  It does sell various kinds of sleep and dreams in the form of small ampules of aromatic thaumaturgic herbage.  Make your purchase and find your way to a comfortable booth and break the seal under you nose.  You will instantly find yourself in your chosen mode of sleep.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Marshall Lee

Source:  Adventure Time
Location:  Hangs Around
Threat Assessment:  5.  Obviously dangerous being a vampire that can fly at will.
Limitation:  A bit too much of a hipster.

Today's Secret Code:

Raised by wolves, lowered by man.  Again:  Raised by wolves, lowered by man.  Today's Colour is a dashing dusky dun.  Today's Author has an edition that is slightly badgered and possibly beared as well.  That is Mowgli, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

What I want to know is this:  What came first?  The thorn or the bloom?  Again:  What I want to know is this:  What came first?  The thorn or the bloom?  Today's Colour is rose madder at its maddest.  Today's Author is considering the Red Queen triathlon.  That is all Alice let's get small, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

One must focus on your hocus.  Again:  One must focus on your hocus.  Today's Colour is is a foxy brown.  Today's Author has the Great Pumpkin on call waiting.   That is all Linus, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

Never have a nightmare on elm street on Halloween during Friday the 13th, if nothing else it's derivative.  Again:  Never have a nightmare on elm street on Halloween during Friday the 13th, if nothing else it's derivative.  Today's Colour is nightmarish, eldritch, maddening, sickening, and squamous.  Today's Author is dapper and refined, a man ahead of his thyme.  That is all man with the red right hand, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #456

The true Cyclops is rather rare these days. They tend to spend their days in deep Rifts and Drifts of psychoverse. One variety that is still fairly active are the Cyclopian Archers. Most Cyclops stay away from ranged weapons due to an obvious lack of depth perception. The Cyclopian Archer's eye is very different though. Its pupil twists and turns in a topological fashion so that it seems to be many different pupils following a branching fractal pattern. With this rather improbable mutation the Cyclopian Archer is a dead shot.


This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Cousin It

Source:  The Addams family
Location:  Not quite known
Threat assessment:  -2 maybe?  He's a humanoid hairball.  Nice body though it has to be admitted.
Limitation:  Bit of an accent there

Today's Secret Code:

Kandy Korn is the Devil's only friend.  Again:  Kandy Korn is the Devil's only friend.  Today's Colour is a pumpin', pimpin', pumpkin orange.  Today's Author is sure he has met you in a parallel life.  That is all Mr. Peterson have another beer, Maho Maho.

Today's secret code:

"We need bigger guns!"  Again:  "We need bigger guns!"  Today's Colour is gun metal blue.  Today's Author is a good friend of Brett Gummer.  That is all Mr. Colt, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

This is the gourmet age where manly men search the world for the rarest of ingredients.  Again:  This is the gourmet age where manly men search the world for the rarest of ingredients.  Today's Colour is clashing.  Today's Author is busy multitasking.  That is all Toriko enjoy the heavenly repast, Maho Maho.

Today's secret code:

"I know the secret of Professor Tarr and Doctor Feather."  Again:  "I know the secret of Professor Feather and Doctor Tarr."  Today's Colour is Blue Dye #5.  Today's Author strolls along Ammonia Avenue.  That is all Alan stop projecting, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #455

The Society Against Transtemporal Evangelization (SATE) is a group of time travelers who are committed to stop other time travelers from sharing various religious ideas and creeds before their commonly held origins.  SATE has stated that such events could cause catastrophic results as it might cause the early moral evolution of humanity into Homo Sancti.  However, this statement was never given out thanks to future members of a group known as SATEN (no one is sure what the "N" stands for and they aren't telling.)

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Rapping monster

Source:  Guyver
Location:  The city
Threat Assessment:  4.  As a mutated monster he's super fast, has claws, and super leaping.  He also believes he can rap (The character is played by Jimmy Walker)  He'd rate higher...but...
Limitation:  An idiot.

Today's Secret Code:

Hello darkness my old friend.  Again:  Hello darkness my old friend.  Today's Colour dreams of tangerines.  Today's Author knows fifty ways to leave your lover.  That's all now let's slip out the back jack, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code

Fight for your right for intergalactic parties with sabotage.  Again:  Fight for your rigt for intergalactic parties with sabotage.  Today's Colour is gamboge.  Today's Author whips it and whips it good because it's a beautiful world we live in.  That is all Blue Lou play us out, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

I see Boris the spider and I want to pain it black.  Again:  I see Boris the spider and I want to pain it black.  Today's Colour is mellow yellow.  Today's Author will never be your beast of bourbon.  That is all Jack it's a gas gas gas, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

It's such a perfect day, you keep me hanging on.  Again:  It's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you.  Today's Colour is a swinging strawberry.  Today's Author will not sink gently into the carpet.  That is all Tommy and don't you dare touch me or feel me, Maho Maho.

Today's secret code

"Too strange to live, too rare to die."  Again:  Too strange to live, too rare to die."  Today's Colour is .000000000002246 angstroms as the

French measure it..  Today's Author wonders about pooh.  That is all Tigger, Maho Maho.

Monster of the Day: Bay Parasites

Source:  The Bay
Location: um... the bay?
Threat Assessment:  They are tiny but they are many and attack almost like a plague they took out thousands of people in a day so we'll call it an 8.
Limitation:  good sanitation and big boots.

Today's Secret Code:

Meet my big dog, his father was a Great Dane and his mother was surprised.  Again:  Meet my big dog, his father was a Great Dane and his mother was surprised.  Today's Colour is Dalmatian plaid.  Today's Author like a lumberjack saw the tree he had seen.  That is all Paul now clean up after Babe, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To KNow #454

The Apathetic Radical Army would be a force to contend with .... except they are all Apathetic.  They never show up for meetings or practice and while they each intend to write down  their manifesto no one gets around to it.  It's only potential strength is that it is the only radical group that people join by doing nothing.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Bad Mommy

Source Beuwulf
Location:  Swamp
Threat Assessment:  7.  Worse than her son, able to take you apart.
Limitation:  Not immortal.

Today's Secret Code:

Hwæt! We Gardena in geardagum, þeodcyninga, þrym gefrunon, hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon. Oft Scyld Scefing sceaþena þreatum.  Today's Colour is Nordic neon green.  Today's Author has sailed the fifty seven seas.  That is all Annie we are all looking for something, Maho Maho. 

Today's Secret Code:

The cynic says that hope is the opiate of the misinformed.  Again:  The cynic says that hope is the opiate of the misinformed.  Today's Colour is a hopeful, hearty heath green.  Today's Author is listening to the Mr. Parson's experiments.  That is all Seth, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

I met a traveller from an antique land
generals gathered in their masses
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
just like witches at black masses
Stand in the desart. Near them, on the sand,
evil minds that plot destruction
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
sorcerers of death's construction.

Things You Need To Know #453

John Gee always said, "Learn the mistakes from history so you can repeat them with precision."  Using that philosophy he has genetically back engineered a strain of humanity back to Homo Erectus.  He has given this family the name of Graves and to casual inspection they appear perfectly human.  The Graves have been told they are ethnically Turkish and have no idea of their true heritage.  John Gee watches from a distance how their old genes handle new tricks.  He takes his notes in Hebrew and drinks black tea mixed with tomato juice.  He is not normal and the Graves should be in fear if they could only know.

This is something you need to know.

Monster of the Day: Ticks

Source:  Ticks
Location:  Woods
Threat Assessment:  5.  Giant ticks with venom that can make you trip out.
Limitation:  Insect intelligence.

Today's Secret Code:

Alice was not in the habit of arguing over the colour of read herrings.  Again:  Alice was not in the habit of arguing over the colour of read herrings.  Today's Colour is a somber sable.  Today's Author knows you have to close your cover before striking even matches made in heaven.  That is all and with strange aeon fluxes even death may die, Maho Maho.

The Walking Dead

Well there seems to be a better balance in the first episode of the new season of "The Walking Dead."  There's a good mix of stories and more importantly more Dead than there is Walking.  Right now it looks like the compound/prison is growing nicely but there are still problems.  There are two things the show leaves me with:

1)  Never name the zombies and ....

2)  What three questions would you ask a potential recruit before letting them join your little survival clique?

Things You Need To Know #452

People often wonder why astrology hangs around even though it doesn't seem to work.  Dr. Austin Augers says that once it did work and we have a "race memory" of that that persists.  Moreover, he says that it is the connection between human minds and the stars that matters.  Quite simply the interpretation of the constellations is no longer relevant to most modern people so there is not that needed connection.  For that Dr. Augers has created Asteriapaam a drug that causes a psychedelic high that is coupled with a strengthened pattern seeking impulse.  The results is that people under Asteriapaam create their own astrology.  For example, many people have reported that Aquarius has become the far less hopeful Junkie.  Others now see the Fireman and Dolphin Thanking Us For the Fish.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Rasputin

Source:  Anastasia
Location: Russian
Threat Assessment:  Undead and mad potentially up to seven but...
Limitation:  Evil planning skills... not so much

Today's Secret Code:

Things didn't get strange till he ordered a mind erasing dirty mother Irish car bomb with a side of monkey fizz.  Again:  Things didn't get strange till he ordered a mind erasing dirty mother Irish car bomb with a side of monkey fizz.  Today's Colour is a shady yet sacred sangria.  Today's Author will never play tic tac toe with a chicken again.  That is all, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

Remember 60% of the time it works every time.  Again:  Remember 60% of the time it works every time.  Today's Colour is shadow rose.  Today's Author is an old school philosopher.  That is all Dante now stop the donkey show, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

Twerks are for grown ups you silly wombat.   Again:  Twerks are for grown ups you sill wombat.  Today's Colour is rum.  Today's Author is a robot, pirate, ninja, zombie ARRRGGGGGGZBRAINSDOESNOTCOMPUTE.  That is all calgon take me away, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #451:

Once a month deep underground in New York there is the Bum's Bizarre .  For a day the homeless and other rather eccentric people meet to trade stuff.  Things from used gum to diamond rings are exchange for goods, services, and sometimes souls.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Custodians

Source:  Aeon Flux, "The Purge"
Location:  In the future
Threat Assessment:  They mean no harm.  They are programmed to give their hosts a state sponsored conscience.
Limitation:  Pretty weak when outside a host.

Today's Secret Code:

That which does not kill you, makes you stranger.  Again:  That Which does not kill you makes you stranger.  Today's Colour is arsenic green.  Today's Author is not a terraestialist.  That is all Trevor Goodchilde, maho maho.

Today's secret code:

Ibo et cognoscam, ostende mihi tantae honesta et politicorum.  Again:  Taispeáin dom polaiteoir macánta agus beidh mé ag dul a fháil ar an Unicorn.  Today's Colour is army green.  Today's Author would like some Tang with his Soylent Green.  That is all Mr. Heston the alpha and omega man, maho maho.

Today's Secret Code:

The Gods hate Kansas.  Again:  The Gods hate Kansas.  Today's Colour is camouflage.  Today's Author has fled the scene.  That's all Duke gather the Joes, Maho Maho.

Things You Needed To Know #450

The Coda are the last choir of angels created by God.  The Coda will come at the end.  They will sing the final song of the end and all secrets shall be revealed.  Until then they are charged with vow of silence.  But it is said their smile when truly earned can change lives forever.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Minimalistic Aliens That Fall From the Sky With Machine Guns

Source:  Kishin Corps
Location:  Ain't telling.
Threat Assessment:  They can fall from a great height, the have great strength and flexibility and are pretty bullet proof.  Let's say a solid seven.
Limitation:   Bad case of Cylon eye and slash attacks are much more effective against them.

Today's Secret Code

"I'm a blonde b-l-i-n-d, gee don't you wish you were me?"  Again:  huh?  Today's Colour smells like English leather.  Today's Author won a minor victory in the parking wars.  That is all, maho maho.

Today's Secret Code:

Cast in the name of God, ye not guilty.  Again:  Cast in the name of God, ye not guilty.   Today's Colour is a subtle Spanish Carmine.  Today's Author is riding the big O.  That is all so negotiate that Roger Smith, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #449

The Wisenheim equation is a kabbalistic mathematical formula to predict the location of  nexuses of כהת.  Much understand can be gained by studying such events in nature.  A few unethical people have used the equation to predict certain flaws in nature that can be exploited by necromancy.  This is strongly frowned upon.


This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Salt sucking alien

Source:  Star Trek
Location:  desolate planet
Threat Assessment:  5.  Last of her kind.  Shape change and salt sucking kind of cool.
Limitation:  Needs salt on a planet without potato chips

Today's Secret Code:

Everybody knows that a broken heart is blind.  Again:  Everybody knows that a broken heart is blind.   Today's Colour is tarnished silver.  Today's Author is making the perfect box.  That is all Ogeirg you have a head like a hole black as your soul, Maho maho.

Today's Secret Code:

Mr. White he dead.  Again:  Mr. White he dead.  Today's Colour is blue.  Today's Author is not a top hitman west of the Mississippi>  That is all Todd goodbye, Maho Maho.

Things You Needed To Know #448

Powered by four elemental engines (A water wheel, an engine that uses the explosive properties of lithium and sodium, a wind mill, and an early internal combustion engine) the Incantatrion was made by Victorian occultist Samwell Wellhill DDS, HMO, and OBS.  The Incantatrion is meant to randomly put together incantations from over one hundred old grimoires.  Generally it doesn't work at all.  The randomness is a little too random and the parts are prone to breakage.  When it does work it works at an incredible though often strange level.  For example, in 1967 it summoned the Grand Duke Mardonza of Hell to Wall Street.  Unfortunately, the Grand Duke was in the middle of a bath and all were embarrassed by the event.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: One Winged Angel

Source:  Final Fantasy
Location:  Final Fantasy Universe
Threat Assessment:  9.  Also known as Sephiroth he's a villain and his final form is truly monstrous yet regal.  six white wings where his legs should be and huge black wing in place of one arm.  His power is incredible.
Limitation:  Still has a nagging little bit of humanity.

Today's Secret Code:

Acrylic architects aggressively accentuate annelids.  Again:  Acrylic architects aggressively accentuate annelids.  Today's Colour is an alluring azure.  Today's Author steps carefully because it's turtles all the way down.  That is all Mikey have some life, Maho Maho.

Dragon Wasps

Dumb monster film of the week.  It's on par with the genre as defined now by Syfy.  A female scientist and side babe are in South America doing SCIENCE!  Actually no they are only pretending to do science.  The science babe is looking for her dad who disappeared in the jungles.  They find some odd pictures and a coordinates to where the pictures were taken so off they go.

Oh not so fast little ladies...(ok well endowed little ladies)...the jungle is a dangerous place so the local US military that just happens to be hunkered down in a South America jungle say nay nay nay.  There are very bad people in the jungle doing voodoo (?) and growing cocaine which probably helps doing the voodoo.  So as they argued they are suddenly attacked by Dragon Wasps.  Action!  Lack o' acting!  Bad CGI.  The wasps get their name by the way because they shoot flames!  Cool beans!

So the wasps take some the CO's men so now he's all hot to find the nest.  But they have to fight past the forces of voodoo coke loving Jaguar and his men.  Meanwhile they fight among each other and fight the mutual hotness they have for each other.

Yeah yeah does it count as a spoiler to say they eventually find daddy and destroy the wasps?  The only really interesting difference is it turns out that cocaine is a natural dragon wasp repellant.  Near the end the actors are getting more and more bug eyed.  Shame they don't go totally, "Say 'ello to my wittle friend..."

Transcript Found Inside a Half Melted Safe 30 Meters Down

Doctor:  It is 23:32 and I have just finished the final injection upon the patient. 

                                               (muffled groaning)

Doctor:  Mr. Dimmond.   Mr.  Dimmond, can you hear me?

Mr. Dimmond:  black...white...black...white...trap...trapped

Doctor:  Mr. Dimmond you have been through a traumatic event.  You might suffer from some mental confusion.

Mr. Dimmond:  Con...co...con....with... fusion.....bringing together... eyes winking... on I am seeing so clearly...so very clearly I see nothing at all now... you... ewe.....sheep don't see.

Doctor:  Mr. Dimmond do you know where you are?

Mr. Dimmond:  Do you?  DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.  Can you feel the warp the wolf? Have you seen the the great eye blink.  Black stones.  White stones.  A trap.  Salvation.  I know more where we are than you ever could.  I have seen the God.  The Jesus.  The Devil.  The...the..

Doctor:  The what Mr. Dimmond?

Mr. Dimmond:  I have seen the great aholy the.  The THE.  The signifier.  The hand that is not there.  Not invisible not there.  A shadow on the wall with form to cast it.  The is in the eye and when the eye blinks the changes everything. 

                                    (sound of a groan)

Mr. Dimmond:  What is wrong with my hand.  My hand!  My hand!  The holy fire!!

                                    (screams)

Mr. Dimmond:  (Softly)  I didn't know ....fingers.....could do that...

                                   (thud followed by silence)

Doctor:  Patient has died.  Again.  Reanimation attempt beta has failed.  The body is in a grotesque state.  He was obviously suffering from dementia as well.  I suggest we try TRU-6 on the next candidate....

                                 (rustling sound followed by an astonished cry)

Mr. Dimmond:  Doctor, the God does not like mulligans.....

                                  (Thud. [rest of transcript lost to burning]

Things You Need To Know #447

Wordkillers are a small sect of Kabbalistic, Platonic Jews who view their life mission as to destroy from reality certain Words that God had not created.  These words are considered mememutations and in some cases direct perversions of logosnoosium by the infernal forces and their followers.  When a Wordkiller does his job the only remaining location for that word is within the brain of that Wordkiller.  That is why, if possible, their heads are taken by their comrades and secretly mummified in a hidden archive, library and crypt.

This is something you needed to know.

Today's Monster Mindflayers

Source:  D&D
Location:  Practically anywhere.
Threat Assessment:  As individuals a solid 7 as a race 9.  They are psychic squid things that eat brains.
Limitation:  Overweening pride.

Today's Secret Code:

Don't forget the fnords.  Again:  Don't forget the fnords.  Today's Colour is gold.  Today's Author never whistles when he pees.  That is all Robert let's use both sides of our brains, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #446

The Party has not ended since 1521.  August to be exact.  The Party moves at it's own pace from house to house.  If the homeowners are lucky they aren't home.  If not they will find themselves meeting many interesting people who have died in many interesting ways.  Always a conversation starter.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Abyss

Source:  Dial H For Hero
Location:  Another dimension
Threat Assessment:  9.  A intelligent void it can destroy and pervert matter.  Plus it can spawn itself.
Limitation:  Can be banished.

Today's Secret Code:

We are dreaming of riding Cadillac and Dinosaurs.  Again:  We are dreaming of riding Cadillac and Dinosaurs.  Today's Colour is marvelous mauve.  Today's Author is writing high.  That is all Queen Bee a cutting your teeth on wedding rings from the movies, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #445

The Origa Codex was found UNDER a graveyard in 1945 in Origa Kansas.  It is written in a mix of Arabic, Russian, and encrypted Latin.  It tells the story of experiments in the reanimation of the dead with detail herbal formulas.  No one had admitted to recreated the experiments listed...as yet.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Psychic Kidney Monster

Source:  Outer Limits
Location:  Old house
Threat Assessment:  7.  It can keep people in a house and telepathically flense them for information and emotional responses.  It's true power is unknown.
Limitation:  Curious.

Today's Secret Code

Like a communist weatherman, Rudolph the red knows rain dear. Again:  Like a communist weatherman, Rudolph the red knows rain dear.  Today's Colour is darker than the bottom of a coal mind at midnight during a lunar eclipse with your eyes closed.  Today's Author looks like Guy after he made the cut.  That is all Coulson let's dial H for hero, maho maho.

creepy girls

Mold

Mold is a classic bad/good film.  Other reviewers reference with "Street Trash" and that isn't undeserved.  The story is simple in the days of Ronald Reagan a program is started to kill drugs before they even get into the states.  This program was to use a genetically modified mold to instantly kill entire crops.  The scientists have done a lot of good work on the mold and not so much on the counter measure.  Still celebration is in order.  So the very (VERY) small staff is giving a party to a military advisor ("Corporal Need To Know") and a Senator.  Of course the mold breaks out and people begin to green goo it up big time.  Can they survive? 

Well you can pretty much guess the order of death fairly easy, but otherwise this is rather nice.  The effects are good in a cheap, practical manner.  The characters are cardboard but of an interesting cut.  The action doesn't let up and the film is unabashedly not ashamed of its cheapness.  Definitely for horror fans only.

Things You Need To Know #444

The Last Book of the Bright Light was written during a siege at the Castle Dunkenhurst during the 30 year war.  A sect that was neither Lutheran or Catholic the Bright Light had hope to spread their revelations to the masses but were instead burned to death as the last walls were taken down.  How this copy survived is a mystery and a miracle.  Those who have read it have either found it to be dribbling nonsense or a divine wake up call.  In either case those person's lives are never the same.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: I feel like Killer Klowns again

ah you know the drill just enjoy the song!

Today's Secret Code:

Never count your phoenixes before they're scorched.  Again:  Never count your phoenixes before they're scorched.  Today's Colour is vermillion.  Today's Author feels a million.  That is all Dr. Smith you multi syllabic knob, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

A really good con man can sell dehydrated water to a thirsty man.  Again:  A really good con man can sell dehydrated water to a thirsty man.  Today's Colour is the red in the tape.  Today's Author will mind the store if the poohbahs close down the big cheese.  That is all V for all to see, Maho Maho.

I feel vaguely disturbed having watched this....

Things You Need To Know #443

The voice of the Satie Inn is apparently a case of pre-reincarnation.  The voice belongs to Martin Vash Satie who will be born in 2029.  His voice is heard through out the inn but mostly from the shot glasses.   He his heard talking to others though one never hear the other voices.  It is sort of a monolog of a life yet lived.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Popcorn King

Source:  The Drive In
Location:  A drive in once in Texas now somewhere else
Threat Assessment:  7.  has four arms, can give life to his tattoos and other things, and is the only food source by spewing highly suspicious popcorn for his captive audience.
Limitation:  Mad as a hatter.

Today's Secret Code:

I'm happy enough in the atopia I'm currently living in, but I'm not against trading up.  Again: I'm happy enough in the atopia I'm currently living in, but I'm not against trading up.  Today's Colour is unperceivable by the human eyes but makes dogs nervous and cats envious.  Today's Author needs no brave new world just people willing to be brave.  That is all Mr. Huxley, Maho maho.

Frankenstein's Army

Well I was interested in this film from word of mouth.  Horror fans love to share discoveries and so I was happy to finally see this on DVD.  Was it worth it?  Well, I'd certainly say so but I'd also would say that the tale grew somewhat in the telling.

So first off this is a found footage film.  If you can't stand the shaky cam get out of the theater or man cave now.  Supposedly, the idea is that this secret mission is being documented just in case they can't reach their objective.  It's a good enough idea and WWII was documented extensively with thousands of cameras.  One small problem with it though is that it doesn't look anything like that documentary footage.  Call me a glutton for punishment but if you are going to do a story like this in this manner the film should be far grainier.

Anyway, the story is simple.  A band of Russian soldiers are sent to find a lost group of soldiers.  This though becomes an obvious hose job (note the title right?), and their real objective is to find this descendant of the original Frankenstein and gather his notes and works.  Of course this means running into a whole range of deranged monsters.  Easily the best part of the movie, someone didn't spare the LSD in designing these bad boys.  Loved the one that basically had the head of an airplane engine with propellers of course.

So it is interesting, looks pretty good, and certainly puts to shame many other horror films.  The only trouble I have is that there really isn't much story or character.  Ultimately the film plays like a gorier live action version of Castle Wulfenstein.

Things You Need To Know #442

Master Klyuchey was born in Russia in the back of a police station.  He is the spirit of Gulags.  He grew up isolated and alone except for the dreams of all those in the gulags.  Now free he walks the Earth.  He is still unsure of his role to play.  Is he to recreate the gulags?  Is he to make sure they never happen again?  He wanders as a begger as he sorts out his soul.  He is followed by one of Rasputin ravens.  Rasputin the undying has taken great interest in Master Klyuchey's fate. 

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Unicorns from Hell

Source:  Music Video
Location:  Hell, duh
Threat Assessment:  8  A race of infernal unicorns?  Ouch.
Limitation:  musical theater?

Today's Secret Code:

Mother Nature sheath thy sward.  Again:  Mother Nature sheath thy sward.  Today's Colour is the shade of green on the back of Columbian Terror Toads.  Today's Author has traveled on terrible roads.  That is all and Atlases shrugged, Maho maho.

THings You Need To Know #441

Luckily very few boys ordered a life sized skeleton from the ad in the back of Strong Men Comics #45 in 1948.  For once a comic book ad did not lie.  The question police were never able to answer is where did someone get 48 human skeletons, and why did he sell them to children.  The mystery is still unsolved.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The New Flesh

Source:  Videodrome
Location:  on air and in your mind
Threat Assessment:  Either it is delusion or a sentient evolutionary step.  Either way I give it an 8.
Limitation:  Don't watch.  If you can.

Today's Secret Code:

Saturday morning we learned that 3 is a magic number.  Again:  Saturday morning we learned that 3 is a magic number.  Today's Colour is a hybrid of red and green.  Today's Author is probably a mutant.  That is all so we better call Saul, maho maho.

Sympathy

Epic

Well I admit I was not impressed when I saw the trailer for "Epic."  First Thought:  "They've gone and done a computer animated version of 'Ferngully,' fracking wondaIdon'giveableepful."  Second Thought:  "Are they trying to make comedy relief that is worse than Jar Jar Binks?"  Third Thought:  "I wish film makers would stop banking on parents wanting the kids out of the house for any excuse."

Now excuse me if I find myself a huge heaping of crow before me.  I'll chow down on it discreetly as we talk I promise.  See, I was wrong.  Epic is actually a fairly decent film.  It has some good characters, good chemistry, and a decent sense of relationships between the characters.  It's not the best script ever but it's engaging.  A young girl gets back to her estranged father who lives in a spooky house in the middle of the woods.  They obviously love each other but his obsession with finding little people drives a wedge between them.  Meanwhile, there are little people and they are fighting a war against the forces of rot.  Their queen is about to pass on her power to the next generation and her guard, including the man who loves her, try their best to protect her.  Ronin, her lover, is also finds himself responsible for a dead friend's son who's gifted but truly irresponsible.  These two stories collide when the rot makes their big play to take over the woods.  Now the girl is shrunk to little person size and the queen is dead.  People have to work out their feelings on the run though as they try to keep the balance of the forest.

I like that this film does take the time to process the character's feelings over these events.  A lot of film the death of a father or mother or wife is something of a maguffin.  It's a reason to action but never a reason to feel.  Here, you really do feel the loss of the queen among her subjects.  Even the main bad guy feels the loss of his own son which powers him to even greater evil.

Oh, and the animation is pretty darn good.  Just had to say that.

So ignore the snail and slug comedy relief and watch Epic.  It's a pretty good film whether you are a child or not.

Things You Need To Know #440

High Concept Ltd., is a rather shadowy non profit group.  It seeks nothing less than redirecting reality through meta philosophical means.  That leads to such divisions as Thought Experiment Theater (TET).  TET tries to actualize famous thought experiments repeatedly.  They hope to provoke a reaction in the local space time but so far all they have done is run up a ten million dollar bill in cats for the box.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the day: Space Scorpions

Source:  Pinocchio in Outer Space
Location:  Mars
Threat Assessment:  7.  Gigantic with claws and oddly enough jaws.
Limitation:  Dumb.

Today's Secret Code:

I have a beetle in a box.  Don't touch my box!  Again:  I have a beetle in a box.  Don't touch my box!  Today's Colour is metallic green.  Today's Author is the toast of the metagenic scene.   That is all Charlie X so don't think so hard, maho maho.

World War Z

Some projects are nearly impossible to adapt.  Dune comes to mind with its far ranging plotting and characters.  World War Z is nowhere near as dense but it would I believe just as hard to adapt since it is a multiple protagonist view of world wide zombie plague.

I was proved right.

Instead of trying to tell separate stories with different characters they bring in Brad Pitt as the cypher to hold it all together.  Trouble is that a cypher is a cypher, Brad woks with what he has but there's both too much and much there.  On the one hand he has to be able to do everything the separate stories now combined demand of the main character, and on the other the cross of both being an everyman/superman just in the end doesn't work well. 

Now there are some arresting visuals, and there are some suspense scenes.  Certainly the money is on the screen.  I, however, don't like that they are not only fast zombies but they practically have a hive mind going on.  With an onset time of seconds there should be no humans left for all practical purposes within 24 hours.  I still don't see how they could have spread via planes as is claimed when in just 30 seconds or less folks go totally zombie.  But I suppose that's just picking the nits.

Anyway it's not bad and I'm sure it will elicit discussion only for the scene of mindless zombies attacking Israel.  So it's worth a watch.

Things You Need To Know #439

Montrose the Mysterious is indeed very, very mysterious.  So much so in fact, that he is retro editing this message as we speak though the power of Cryptomancy.  Great is the power of Montrose.  And his secrets shall never be revealed.

This was something you cannot know.

Monster of the Day: Gargoyles

Source:  Gargoyles
Location:  Manhattan
Threat Assessment:  They are good guys (mostly) but they'd definitely be a seven being super strong, durable and able to fly.
Limitation:  Get stoned during the day, dude.

Today's Secret Code:

It is tougher to exorcise spirits if they are 80 proof.  Again:  It is tougher to exorcise spirits if they are 80 proof.  Today's Colour is bilious green.  Today's Author is rarely seen on the scene.  That is all Mr. Beam, Maho Maho.

strange animations

Sleepy Hollow

Well I'll be danged.   This show, at least the pilot episode dodged a big, big bullet.  The idea of Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman coming to the modern day might play well as a movie, so I thought, but as a TV show?  I mean how many episodes can they play cat and mouse without it becoming just a farce?

Luckily the writers were aware of the problem and solved it by putting in a monkey fighting crap load of mythology to the point where the show almost breaks but doesn't.  See the horseman isn't just a horseman but THE horseman like out of one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.  Our hero has been bounded to the horseman by magic and he's not the retiring teacher of the story.  He was a soldier and spy so he's tough and smart.  His job whether he wants to or not is basically stop the apocalypse and that dear readers is something to hang a series on.  He's helped by a present day cop who saw a weird thing once so was willing to give a raving lunatic claiming that he's been asleep for 200 years a chance.

Not everything works, but enough does that I really do want to see the next episode, and that is what TV is all about.  Heads up, readers!

Things You Need To Know #438

No one invented the Drax Compassionator, nor the Mercy Shield.  They both exist merely because without it there would be no Deus Extra Machina that genially rules Moorefield, Kansas.  The Deus Extra Machina likes to be called Jerri and is a very nice tyrant.  Being a machine he doesn't want money or power.  He wants peace.  He wants a nice, quiet town.  Do not be a trouble maker in Moorefield.  The corn fields are richly fertilized.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Sand People

Source:  Star Wars
Location:  Tatoonie
Threat Assessment:  5.  They make good use of desert environment and group attacks.
Limitation:  Tend to flee when surprised

Today's Secret Code:

No one knows his neighbors like the glazer.  Again:  No one knows his neighbors like the glazer.  Today's Colour is unleaded.  Today's Author is being a pane.  That is all Mr. Glass there are no heroes here, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #437

Dr. Wanjar invented the Kutia e zjarrit të shenjtë when he was both a youth and in as he called it "a snit."  That it could lay waste to thousand of acres wasn't much of a concern of his at the time.  Later after he had tea with the Dali Lama, Alan Moore, and Jonathan Winters he relented and opened up his third eyes through fasting and Black & Decker.  He dismantled the Kutia e zjarrit të shenjtë and attached each piece to a sea turtle and let them out into the deep tide.

Monsters of the Day: Toxic Crusaders

Source:  Toxic Crusaders
Location;   Tromaville, New Jersey
Threat Assessment:  They are the good guys but if these hideous mutants ever went bad they would be a definite seven.
Limitation:  Sometimes not too bright, and did I mention hideous?

Today's Secret Code:

These days people are more interested in Powerball than parables.  Again:  These days people are more interested in Powerball than parables.  Today's Colour is a concupiscencing copper.  Today's Author chose not to chase the chaste.  That is all Baldy send in the bares, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code

I am a man of Earth and starry sky and I thirst for a drink from the fountain of memory.  Again:  I am a man of Earth and starry sky and I thirst for a drink from the fountain of memory.  Today's Colour is a leafy green.  Today's Author is an Artisan.  That is all Leonardo let's do pizza, Maho Maho.

Things You Need To Know #436

The Glootensplocker was made by Dr. Darius Darian Darida. It was one of the earliest examples of hacking. The Glootensplocker allowed for a wireless patch into a telegraph line where the owner could then freely pass messages on the telegraph's dime. Of course these days there's not much call for a Glootensplocker except by the Goth Mechanique. This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: The Great God Porno

Source:  Flesh Gordon
Location:  Alien world
Threat Assessment:  7.  Giant with great strength
Limitation:  Sort of distracted.

Today's Secret Code:

Remember seven days without a secret code makes one week.  Again:  Remember seven days without a secret code makes one week.  Today's Colour is coffee.  Today's Author is muddy.  That is all John Coffy, Maho Maho.

Today's secret code

The world spins on fate's loom.  Again:  The world spins on gate's loom.  Today's Colour is Jasmine rose.  Today's Author gathers his pearls.  That is all Charlotte, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

The fires that burn hottest are fueled from below.  Again:  The fires that burn hottest are fueled from below.  Today's Colours are blue and grey.  Today's Author likes Poe-try.   That is all Edgar, Maho Maho.

The Priestess OiiO

Hell's Highway

So I'm watching the credits.  First I notice the cheap shot on video feel of the affair.  Always a danger sign.  Then there is something about the names of cast.  Nothing so much about any one name but as a group it began to sound like I had accidently rented a porno.  Then the name Ron Jeremy pops up.  Oh crap.  There's something inheriently embarrassing about recognizing who Ron Jeremy is.  If you don't then treasure your ignorance.  It became obvious that some porn company was branching out and this was the result.

They should go back to doing money shots.

The story is there's a valley and lonesome stretch of road.  There the devil has claimed a woman and the desert for his own.  Said woman looks like a hitchhiker and is good at killing people.  A bunch of young lunkelheads drive through and get their butts kicked, shot and chained sawed by devil lady.  It's all fairly standard slasher stuff with some really horrible (as in badly done) make up.

Oh and if you get to somewhere near the last five minutes there's a twist.  Wheeeeeeee....

Things You Need To Know #435

The Briar family have an odd genetic condition called simply "The Weeps."  It seems that some family members have their nervous system cross wired.  What brings pleasure or humor becomes expressed as tears and sorrow.  It's not that they don't find the joke funny, but their body expresses itself in tears rather than laughter.  It's all the more ironic that the family is generally extremely well off and lives in a beautiful, peaceful town.  Their lives are so good that sometimes they just fall on their knees weeping at the joy of it.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Big Stone Hand of Doom

Source:  Netherworld
Location:  Down South
Threat Assessment:  6.  Stone hand that flies around and can have a snake head finger.
Limitation:  Tied up in rules of magic.

Today's Secret Code

Dreams are the wise man's toys.  Again:  Dreams are the wise man's toys.  Today's Colour is amber.  Today's Author will slumber.  That is all Dimitri, Maho Maho.

Today's Secret Code:

Man should not consider his material possessions his own, but as common to all, so as to share them without hesitation when others are in need.  Again:  Man should not consider his material possessions his own, but as common to all, so as to share them without hesitation when others are in need.  Today's Colour is purple but not purrrple.  Tooday's Author considers the infinite.  That is all Tommy boy, Maho maho.

Today's Secret Code:

Sufi saying:  before you speak let your words pass through three gates:  the first gate is "Is it true?"  The second gate is, "Is it necessary?"  The third gate is "Is it kind?"  Again:  Sufi saying:  before you speak let your words pass through three gates:  the first gate is "Is it true?"  The second gate is, "Is it necessary?"  The third gate is "Is it kind?"  Today's Colour is jet.  Today's Author is not a jet setter.  That is all Nasrudin Hoja, maho maho.

I love the DC Nation

Things That Should Be Remade: The Secrets Of Isis

Well DC seems to have troubles getting a Wonder Woman movie off the ground.  Really how hard can it be to believeably make a film involving an Amazon Princess and her invisible plane?  Oh well, at least they are trying.  Marvel I'm looking at you, come on where is your film involving a strong female super hero?  Oh....Electra.... nevermind.

Anyway, while we are waiting why not bring back that heroine from Saturday morning?  No, not Electra Woman.  I'm talking Isis.  She's actually fairly classy and camp free.  Wearing her magic amulet a humble science teacher is turned into the mighty Isis.  She has lots of neat powers like commanding the elements and flying.  Her costume is simple and elegant.  She always seems very much in control and poised.  Really what's not to like?

Well, first off the budgets were strictly Saturday morning which means I spend more washing my car.  Also the scripts tended to be rather mundane with general "let's teach a lesson every episode" deal going on.  Really, they couldn't even dig up a villain for Isis?  How hard can that be when you have Egyptian mythology as source?

So, with all this in mind I submit that Isis would be a good candidate for a remake.  The right actress and a script that's more "Buffy" and less "Super Friends" would make this work like a charm.  Add a good villain, I don't say Set, and you my friend would have either a decent TV show or a film that could clear a good hundred and fifty million.  Either way we are all winners.

Things You Need To Know #434

Panmorphs are rare even in the world of shapeshifters.  They can literally become anything.  Wind, air, energy, symbols.  Nothing is limited to them.  The trouble with panmorphs is that they tend to forget who they are.  You spend so much time becoming the perfect squirrel and you forget that you really aren't a squirrel.  A lot of panmorphs lead quiet lives as a rock or a cloud till some trauma forces them to change again reawakening memories of who they truly are.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Dead on film

Source:  Record Live
Location:  Studio
Threat Assessment:  Film stock that acts like it is alive.  It can get under doors to eat you alive!  Give it a 6.
Limitation:  Seems happy to stay in the studio.
Personal note:  This short scared me as a kid.

Today's Secret Code:

Rosa rubicundior, lilio candidior, omnibus formosior, semper in te glorior. Again: Rosa rubicundior, lilio candidior, omnibus formosior, semper in te glorior.  Today's Colour is found in the lillies of the field.   Today's Author hums an elfin lied.  That is all Lucy, Maho Maho.

Rapture Palooza

Well I don't toot my personal life too much on this blog, but I am a Christian.  I suppose that means I should be mad at Rapture Palooza as it is a very irreligious take on Christianity.  Honestly though, I appreciate its questioning scripture in a comedic light.  This is mostly a rather light hearted look at life after the rapture.  It's set in Seattle and has sort of that Seattle mindset all over it.  Our most final girl is trying to get along after half the world disappears but it's not easy.   The locusts are a pain.  The rains of blood are hard on the car.  Let's not even talk about the wraiths and the fiery rocks.  Even the small things in life like foul mouth crows just make life that much harder to endure.  But she's the plucky sort and she has an equally plucky boyfriend so they make a go of it.  Unfortunately, the Beast thinks she is some sweet meat and you don't say no to the beast.  So the couple has to decide whether to fight the beast or not.  Their decision will either save or destroy the world.

I liked the first half of this film a lot, it is a fun little look into a generally dreary subject matter.  The second half though drags a bit.  Not enough to destroy the film but it does kill a lot of the earlier good will.  Also I admit the end left me a little uneasy faith wise, but that's just me.

Things You Need To Know #433

The Tcho Tcho really exist.  On the plateau of Leng they do their hideous and insane rituals to the great old ones.  The younger generation though have begun to buy cell phones and go to business schools.  They understand that there are no prophets to the Great Old Ones, but they do enjoy profits.  They have learned to wear the skin of others so you cannot even tell them for their Tcho Tcho brandings.  But they smile just the same.  Oh so hungry, and not a hint of humanity.

This is something you needed to know.

Monster of the day: Locusts

Source:  Rapture Palooza
Location:  The earth, Seattle specifically
Threat assessment:  -1  Mostly an annoyance.  They bite and yell SUFFER!
Limitation:  Fairly dumb and squashable.

Today's Secret Code:

Aha!  The sun always shines on TV.  Again:  Aha!  The sun always shines on TV.  Today's Colour is a mellow yellow.  Today's Author heard a blasphemous rumor.  That is all Bela because you are dead, maho maho.

Things You Need To Know #432

The great yellowed book worm eats only books of the highest order.  Every thirty years that generation goes through a metamorphosis and become invisible moths.  They are attracted to great intelligences like lesser moths are to light.  Before dying they impart two things:  strange knowledge and their eggs.  Both can spur a man to great genius ....or madness.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the day: Mad crows

Source:  Kaw
Location:  Rural
Threat Assessment:  singular 5 as a group 7.  Being bit by one may make you contract mad cow disease.
Limitation:  They will eventually die.

Today's secret code

Do not feed after midnight, don't rip off the tags under penalty of DA LAW, don't tug on Superman's cape, and do not pee facing the wind.  Again:  Do not feed after midnight, don't rip off the tags under penalty of DA LAW, don't tug on Superman's cape, and do not pee facing the wind.  Today's Colour is a coherent shade of blue.  Today's Author is an AmeriCAN not an AmeriCAN'T.  That is all Senor Trejo, maho maho.

Domo, domo, domo, domo......

Scary Movie 5

Right, faint damnation/praise:  This is not as bad as the last two installments of the series.  Perhaps there is still hope for comedic parody.  On the other hand it is still a Scary Movie movie so prepare yourself for tangents  that go nowhere and jokes involving toothbrushes and dog rears.

So I was surprised right off the bat in liking Charlie Sheen's little take on paranormal activity.  I enjoyed how they turned the amateur video fast forward trope into a Benny Hill take on it.  Love the clowns getting under the covers.  From there the film coasts a bit before settling into a paranormal activity/moma track that for the most part works.  What doesn't work was trying to shoehorn the Planet of the Apes and Black Swan into the mix.  That pretty much is like mixing a good mole sauce with pickle juice and stewed prunes.  It is not advised.

So for cheap laughs and low expectations you can certainly do worse.  Take a look at the "fill in the blank" movie franchise as a prime example.

Things You Need To Know #431

There is always that one extra thing in your pocket that you can't remember how it got there.  That is a zezlo.  It's a minor but nasty little spirit that pretends to be a bit of this or that or knick nack.  It likes to stay close to people to steal stray words.  The best way to get rid of a zezlo is to turn out all your pockets and empty your wallet or purse.  The last thing found should be thrown away immediately with the phrase, "Špatná věc, vraťte se do tmy a obtěžovat nikoho znovu."

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Great Old Ones

Source:  H.P. Lovecraft
Location:  Everywhere, nowhere.
Threat Assessment:  10.  Godlike alien intelligences that give the same concern for us that we give an ant...if that.
Limitation:  Have their own rules of conduct.  Like to wait for the stars to be right.

Today's Secret Code:

If this is the future where are the three breasted hookers with jet packs?  Again:   If this is the future where are three breasted hookers with jet packs.  Today's Colour is green.  Today's Author has fled the scene.  That is all Mr. Bean, maho maho.

Sad, sad Kali

Fairy Tail

Ok we are in insane anime again.  For some reason D&D really hit a chord in parts of japan.  Ever since then there's been one show or another that basically throws out the RPG tropes and add a bit of Japanese madness.  Fairy Tail is a fairly current example. 

Here we have a world where magic is fairly common.  Still, the masters are respected and fear cause they have like mega magic.  Some of the best, though wildest of these, belong to a guild called "Fairy Tail."  One of these is our hero who was raised by a dragon.  He can eat fire and project it with ease.  Unfortunately he also has super motion sickness as his comedic cross to bear.   The series follows him and his friends as they go across the land seeking adventure.  To say this series is rather shallow is to give faint praise to puddles, but it's fun enough.

Things You Need To Know #430

The fossils of Parvus comestione organum anguillis still have a bit of nasty memory in them.  Looking like wiggly signs in limestone they still have residual hunger.  People who touch such fossils with their bare hand can leads to months of pain and extreme weight loss. A necromancer with such a fossil can be very dangerous indeed.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Giant Catapillar

Source:  First Men On the Moon
Location:  Duh, moon
Threat Assessment:  5.  Big and dumb.
Limitation:  Big and dumb.

Today's Secret Code

Happiness is knowing how to use the three seashells.  Again:  Happiness is knowing how to use the three seashells.  Today's Colour is a calming blue.  Today's author thinks he knows how to play the accordian.  That is all so let's all go to taco bell, maho maho.

Xithal Annak, Gommorean Sacred Police

Things You Need To Know #429

Always tip the third server serving you an extra 3.14%. Always tell Dirty Mary Martha that she is looking quite healthy for a leper. Always pick up a penny if it's heads up.  Always refer to snakes as "Sir" and crows as "Madam" regardless of sex.  Always try  the veal.  Always enjoy life as much as you can stand.

These were things you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Evil Ernie

Source:  Chaos Comics
Location:  Earth, The Afterlife
Threat Assessment:  9.  Given vast necromatic powers by Lady Death his goal is to cause "megadeath" in which he suceeded by causing global nuclear war.
Limitation:  Thanks to parental abuse he's something of an over compensating basket case who has a stalker relationship with lady death.

Today's Secret Code:

His sword was forged from steel, stibnite, torbernite, hutchinsonite, and chalcanthite with a kryptonite finish.  Suffice to say the forger did not live long.  Again:  His sword was forged from steel, stibnite, torbernite, hutchinsonite, and chalcanthite with a kryptonite finish. Suffice to say the forger did not live long.  Today's Colour is radium green.  Today's Author can't believe the things he's seen.  That is all shadowy ravine, maho maho.

Errors of the Human Body

There are two things worse than a mad scientist.  The first is a sad scientist.  The second is a whole mob of mad scientists.  This film spotlights both.  Our sad scientist just lost his son to a weird genetic mutation.  That even also made him lose his wife and eventually his career.  Now he gets a new job at some German think tank.  They are interested in his research in screening genetic mutations and he's interested in finding a place to lay low and lick his wounds a bit.

Unfortunately his plan fails as he falls between a former student and a rather crazed scientist who are sort of feuding over who owns what discovery.  Considering that the mad scientist (who looks like a Mr. Hugo doll on meth) is talking about infecting mosquitoes with viruses to turn people into communists it's safe to say the experiments are a little... out there.  All this plus the sad scientists deteriorating mental condition leads to a rather dark if unattended experiment.

This is a good thoughtful film.  Don't be put off by the slow pace.  It's all a very Croenbergian affair so just let the madness wash over you like a crazed white sound generator. 

Things You Need To Know #428

Never order the salad at Dryads.  Never order the sausage surprise at Benighul's.   Never order a night cap at Sad Mary's Bar and Girl.  Never say "Ploxidox" in front of dentaloid.  Never floss before a poetry reading by M. Nine Ghubta.

These were things you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Starscream

Source:  Transformers
Location:  Currently Earth.
Threat Assessment:  6.  Giant Robot that can become a fighter plane.
Limitation:  a tremendous twit.

Today's Secret Code:

The Rabbit hops out of the hole goes around the tree and then back into the hole.   Again:  The Rabbit hops out of the hole goes around the tree and then back into the hole.  Today's Colour is hemp.  Today's Author would rather be hitching than doing a rolling hitch off a bowline.  That is all Popeye if you'll give me a burger today, maho maho.

Try to Pass...

Hatchet III

The Hatchet series is created with being something of a loving tribute to slasher films special those of the eighties.  That's about it folks.  You want a series of films with a lot of gruesome deaths look no further.  Just don't expect anything like good drama, writing etc. etc.  About as good as the Hatchet series gets is allowing some horror favorites a little screen time to chew the scenery.  Now I like them but I figure normal people need a bit of warning.  Belt sanders are considered a weapon of choice.

So the third film starts directly after the first two.  This means that all three films take place in a space of three days which means our killer, Victor, has nailed about a hundred people in the space of seventy two hours which is certainly impressive.  Our final girl thinks she has offed Victor so goes to the police armed, covered in blood, and holding Victor's scalp.  Obviously she's no wiz at decision making.  The cops take her in and check out the crime scene.  Turns out, of course, Victor ain't so dead and takes out the well armed cops with hideous ease.  So now it's up the ex wife of the sheriff and our final girl to save the day if possible.

There are no spoilers here really.  If you've seen any slasher films you can predict everything with ease.  The make is appropriately horrid.  The acting for most of the soon-to-be-bodies is on the level of a pithed duck.  Oh, and bonus point for some Sid Haig action.  So there you go dear readers.

Things You Need To know #427

Maxwell's Olde Time Peas are no longer being produced.  If you can still find a can and open one, all I can say is mind the stench.  However, even as far gone as they are Maxwell's Olde Time Peas are the perfect ghost attractors.  Open up a can and every spectre or poltergeist in the area is going to come to it.  You have to ask yourself at this point:  Is this a good thing?

This was something you needed to know.

Today's Monster: Discworld Golems

Source:  Discworld
Location:  Anywhere where there is work needed
Threat Assessment: In theory a good 7.  They are very hard to destroy and extremely strong.  Nor do they need to eat or sleep. 
Limitation:  Luckily they are extremely ethical beings, so much so that instead of revolting they are buying themselves out of slavery.

Today's Secret Code

He wore a suit of satin, sandrak and  orpiment tailored by the shrieks of Rasavatam.  Again:  He wore a suit of statin, sandrak and orpiment tailored by the shrieks of Rasavatam.  Today's Colour is realgar.  Today's Author has the calduceus.  That is all Metal Men, maho maho.

Things You Need To Know #426

A picture of a girl's shoe in the middle of a road.  Six river stones smooth as silk.  A bobbin.  Seven spider webs twined around a rusty nail perserved in plastic.  A colt peace maker with the tigger welded so it is unuseable as a weapon.  These items form the texuerunt et serpens scriptor puzzle labyrinthum an ancient occult riddle few have solved.  Beware, to begin to unravel the clues starts a different level of play.  They will come up through the floors for you.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Christine

Source:  Christine
Location:  On the road again....
Threat Assessment:  6.  Killer car that can repair itself.
Limitation:  It's a car, stairs can be a bit of a problem.

Today's Secret Code:

One of the best things in life is to beat your foes and hear the laminations of their women.  Again:  One of the best things in life is to beat your foes and hear the laminations of their women.  Today's Colour is Krom's firery red.  Today's author has never punched a camel but has pushed a llama.  That is all Ahnold because it's hwamp day whooo whooo, maho maho.

What Wonder Woman Always Needed: A Hot Car and a Surfboard

Japan is weirder and weirder

You might not have heard of Hitsune Miku.  You can be excused for that because she doesn't exist.  A collectiion of Japanese software, Histsune Miku is now a Japanese pop star and gives "live" concerts.  Gee, I hope someone has watched Macross Plus.









I'm told this is the biggest karaoke song in japan...


This from the live concert and frankly it freaks me a little out...


Speaking of weird, why screw with my rugrat memories?  Ohhhh Japan.....


Oh hey let's just go the dark place and give me nightmares for the rest of the night....


Maybe there's a bug in the software, seriously japan rewatch Macross Plus again before it's too late!

Things You Need To Know #425

Culler and Baldey is a detective firm that is very discreet and very expensive.  That clickity clack you hear as you enter into the office is one reason.  Few business have one blood typist much less two.  Izzy and Danzilla Maniqua soak type writer ribbons in blood of people of interest.  They then enter into a trance state and type.  Though they generally can only get one or two pages out those pages are full of secret truths.  Don't ask where the they get the blood, that's the job of the sanguine division.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Manny the Rat

Source:  A Mouse and his Child
Location:   The Dump
Threat Assessment:  if you are a small defenseless animal 10.  Trouble is everyone is a small defenseless animal in this movie.
Limitation:  Fate

Today's Secret Code

I'm going to make an amish terrium with a crowbar wrapped in lettuce.  Again:  I'm going to make an amis terrium with a crowbar wrapped in lettuce.  Today's Colour is punky puce-ster.  Today's Author is less a footnote and more of a toe hold in history.  That is all Mr. Green genes, maho maho.

Hellcat alert!

Panic In Year Zero

Panic In Year Zero is a fun film from the fifties.  It wasn't meant to be fun, being about nuclear war and all, but time can mellow a picture even against its will.  It was directed by Ray Milland and he stars in it so he's seriously committed to it.  In it he's just a normal family man taking his family on vacation.  Suddenly BOOM las Angeles is gone.  Really the city of angles now.  The survivors are hitting the roads like crazy and law and order go out the window.  Ray's character takes to lawlessness with an ease that seriously puts off his wife but in his eyes he's just being practical.  He needs to keep his family alive till order is restored, the question is can he do it?

It's just sort of amazing to see a major crisis occurring before the 24 hour news channels and cell phones.  Actually, I think the most scary thing abou the film wasn't the nuclear bombs but speeding like your nuts were on fire on two lane black top.  I know those are the type of roads that as a child my mom left fingernail marks in my arm as dad drove them like he owned them.

Anyway a good little film and morality play for the nuclear age.

Things You Need To Know #424

The Argentinian Fly is actually a small red beetle.  When ground with a bit of nutmeg it produces a deep lasting sleep.  Unfortunately males sleeping under Argentinian Fly have the problem of sleep priapism coupled with sleep walking.  Some have woken up in a tree with splinters in an unmentionable place.  They are  the lucky ones.

This was something you needed to know.

Monster of the Day: Doctor Bong

Source:  Howard the Duck
Location:  Secret lair
Threat Assessment:  5.  Dangerous and insane with the power of bonging his own head to get results.
Limitation:  Bonging his own head.  Plus probably being sued by Tommy Chong.

Today's Secret Code:

Given that there is not much difference between one end of a worm from the other, then does it really matter if the worm turns? Again: Given that there is not much difference between one end of a worm from the other, then does it really matter if the worm turns?  Today's Colour is perfect to let your freak flag wave.  Today's Author remembers his grandpa like Paul Bunyan.  That is all Babe, maho maho.

Gleintrolls are not subtle in their trickery

TV shows I'd remake: Swamp Thing

I find the "Swamp Thing" TV series horribly sad because it was produced by the same fella that did the original "Outer Limits." How can one guy be so right once and so wrong another time? Well, partly I blame that it was the beginning of basic cable series and the whole thing had a buck ninety five and the USA network was never noted at the time for quality. But really, I think the problem was a basic flaw in the narrative. Stefano was trying to set up the Swamp Thing and his nemesis Arcane as sort of cosmic narrators in stories around the swamp. The problem was that the Swamp Thing came off as the crying indian in TV commercials and Arcane a foppish putz and nowhere was there any reality present. There was no real reason why the Swamp THing Allowed the soulless and often clueless Arcane to continue to exist so the whole set up stunk up the place. Add a kid without Lassie and it just hurt to watch

. So what would I do now?

Well, the idea as Arcane as a constant villain isn't a bad one. It saves cost in production and gives us a consistent someone to hate.  I don't even mind his foppish side as that's a good persona to bat against Swamp Thing's more um.. natural mein.  What we need to do is follow the current book.  In the new series Arcane is an avatar of the forces of Death and Rot.  Swamp Thing is the avatar of plants and life.  They are natural opposites but it's alot harder for them to off the other as the are backed by cosmic forces.

It also helps that Swamp Thing's human main squeeze is now caught between the two forces and has her own powers and is not just a screaming ninnie.  Just this one basic change if added to good script writing and and some basic acting would make a 100% better swamp thing series.

The best thing about the latest incarnation of the loony toons

Things You Need To Know #423

Sweet Granny Heyjune's Lightning is the talk of those who crave the more exotic beverages.  Made from corn, water from the heart of the country, and dreams found in old wells it packs quite a punch but is smooth oh so smooth.  So smooth people often don't realize they are on the ground.  Over partaking in Sweet Granny Heyjune's Lightning can lead to religious conversion, new paths in industry, and seeing the truth whether you want to or not.

This was something you needed to know

Monster of the Day: Sweetums

Source:  Muppet show
Location:  Muppet theater
Threat Assessment:  3.  He's big and strong but secretly very nice
Limitation:  Not the brightest muppet.

Today's Secret Code:

If being a mother was easy then fathers would do it.  Again: if being a mother was easy then fathers would do it.  Today's Colour is raspberry creme.  Today's Author does his best.  That is all, maho maho.

Mechacelestial Oriluni

When Ponies Go Bad

Some Music For the End of Breaking Bad