Finally the Human Centipede

Ok, I'm not proud.  I sat down and watched "The Human Centipede."  In high school kids would pass around a purity test.  Your answers were rated how pure you were. I've just slipped down another notch, and you never go back up.

The plot?  Please.  Mad German decides to grab three people and link them together mouth to butt.  Bad things happen.  That.  Is. The. Plot.

So, then does it work?  Honestly, and sadly, I've seen worse.  In fact, it was actually rather bland given the over the top expectations.  Some might say that the director, Tom Six, was trying for a Croenbergian restraint.  If that was intent, he missed it.  A couple of pointers for Mr. Six.

One:  Character, character, character.  As in we'd like some.  Yes the mad Doctor has dehumanized his patients to the point where he called  them A, B, and C.  That doesn't mean, we the audience don't want to know SOMETHING about these people, even if it is only one.  In fact, it might have been cool to let us know only one character and then have the others speak german and other languages without translation.  But in any case, considering that half the cast is going to spend half the film with their ..um.. mouths full we really do need a little something before the madness begins to hold our interest in these characters.  I may be cheap but I at least demand dinner before the motel Mr. Six.

Two:  Don't cheat.  Restraint is one thing, but Croenberg knows that at some point you got to whip those bandages off.  You promised us a freak show, we need at least one shot of the human centipede in full gorey glory.

Three:  A gross idea is fun, but it is not a movie.  You got maybe 20 minutes here of good film and then filler.  Unfortunately, most of that filler is the ending.  Tom Six, you need an ending.  You need something a bit more than you got here.  You need a LOT more. 

Sadly, these tidbits of helpful information might not fall on deaf ears.  It is said, that Mr. Six (who does have a cool name I'll give him that!) is planning a second film with a 12 person "centipede."  Sort of his version of the "full monty."  I do hope he has other ideas, otherwise we'll see "Pretty Centipede," "Demolition Centipede," and of course "Planet of the Centipede."

So now you know, and knowledge is power!